Patty Lynn and Martin are in their living room watching TV.
Patty Lynn: You know, no matter how this runoff turns out, I’m just going to be glad for it to be over in a few weeks. I can’t take these attack ads against Marietta any longer
Martin: You don’t sound nearly as optimistic about this as you once did. The polls have gotten better, keep your head up.
Patty Lynn: I’ve just come to accept reality. It’s going to be hard to narrow an eight-point gap with such little time left.
Kathleen: It can be done if we bribe enough people.
Patty Lynn: Marietta just barely escaped jail time for one financial crime relating to her campaign, let’s not commit an even worse one.
Martin: The key here is to stay positive. She can still win, and she will win, because it- is that who I think it is on there?
Patty Lynn: If you are referring to the Vice President, then yes, it’s who you think.
Kathleen: Turn this up! This campaign’s finally getting good!
Dede: I speak to you today as a proud part-time resident of this city, which is something Mayor Landfield could not sincerely claim to have been when she first sought her job four years ago. She’s the DC mayor, part of the swamp.
Martin: Does Egerton not realize that he’s letting the Vice President of the swamp speak at his event?
Patty Lynn: I’d guess that his idiot wife set up this campaign event. Only a moron would would campaign with Republicans in this city if they were interested in winning.
Dede: She doesn’t have your political interests at heart, she is still working to advance the radical Hagelin/Wilson agenda. Their failed policies lost them the presidency, lost them this state’s Senate seat, but you have your mayor still following their orders. Of course, she doesn’t spend all her time listening to her DC handlers. She also takes time off to campaign finance law, do keg stands in the park and party with world leaders at bars. While her failed policies ravage our city, she lines her own pockets and parties. We need a man who puts this city first, ahead of national politics and a personal agenda. That man is Kent Egerton. He’s spent his entire campaign demonstrating class, compassion and concern for the issues facing the city, and he has the plans to turn things around. I’m proud to endorse him, even prouder to call him my friend and will be proudest to call him our mayor.
Patty Lynn: What a load of crap.
Kathleen: Can I turn The View on now?
Patty Lynn: I suppose nothing could possibly churn my stomach more than having Duchovny speak at 10 AM. Go ahead, turn it on.
Meanwhile, at the mayor’s office…
Tammy: So. We see how Egerton’s campaign is forging ahead.
Amy: By running as a Republican? I see no chance that backfires.
Henrietta: Are we allowed to be talking about this on city property?
Amy: What does it matter? It’s not like we’re going to win. We’ve almost got both feet out the door already.
Marietta: Bringing Dede in is an odd move, I must say. What voting black does she appeal to, women allergic to water whose sisters were killed by houses falling on them?
Tammy: He’s just trying to make us feel threatened, show he has broad support.
Marietta: Yeah, well I’ve got Stevie Wonder on my side.
Amy: Has Stevie reached out this election cycle? Maybe we could use him in an ad!
Marietta: Well, uh, no, but I doubt his mind’s changed that much on me in four years.
Amy: Why not? Third of the city’s changed their mind on you since then, apparently.
Marietta: Okay, that was mean.
Amy: Truth hurts.
Tammy: So how do we want to respond to this Ducovney endorsement?
Henrietta: What if we get the superior Duchovny, David, to run an ad for us? Maybe he can even get Gillian Anderson.
Tammy: That is a terrible idea.
Henrietta: We’re all going down with the ship anyway, the band might as well be playing good music on the way out.
Tammy: I was thinking we have Kate do an ad for us. She’s v-
Marietta: Ah, yes, the best way to respond to accusations of being a DC stooge is to prove that I definitively am one.
Tammy: I see nothing wrong with being close with our leaders in Washington.
Amy: And the decision to let this woman run your campaign… it was made with the intention of winning?
Tammy: Kate Hagelin is one of the greatest leaders I have ever known.
Amy: I think she’s swell, too. The voting public doesn’t seem to love her too much.
Henrietta: Have we tried asking Olivia Rodrigo? We sure talk about her enough, surely she can sense that.
Amy: What politician is going to rely on a teenage girl to get their message out.
Marietta: Uh, she’s twenty now.
Amy: Frightens me that you know that. Absolutely chills me to the bone.
Marietta: So do we just not put out any ads in the last few weeks? We ask Jesus to take the wheel?
Amy: What about an ad with you and your dad? You ran something similar last time and I thought it was very well done. He’s a beloved city figure.
Marietta: My mom will get so jealous.
Amy: Throw her in it, too.
Marietta: Should we really remind voters of the family dynasty?
Amy: Remind them that it was your family that they entrusted this city with, not his. It can’t fail. Well, it can, but it can’t hurt.
Marietta: That’s the best idea I’ve heard, let’s try that.
Henrietta: I think the Oli-
Marietta: That can be our backup plan.
Tammy: You’d go with Olivia Rodrigo over Kate?
Marietta: I’d go with Debbie Gibson over Kate. At least I’ve never been accused of being too cozy with the music industry.
Amy: Is it fair to say Debbie Gibson is in the “music industry” anymore?
Marietta: Can we get back to work, please?
Amy: Our actual work or our campaign work?
Marietta: Either is fine.
Tammy: We work so hard, I can’t understand why no one wants to vote for four more years of us.
Marietta: You’ve used that joke before, it wasn’t funny then, either.
Tammy: You’re just cranky because of the election, that was hilarious.
Henrietta: Have you reached out to John Jackson for an endorsement?
Marietta: I think he wants to stay out of it.
Henrietta: He has all that political weight and doesn’t use it?
Amy: He’s never been one to rock the boat. He prefers to keep a steady hand. He didnt’ even endorse me in 2019.
Tammy: Well that, I’d guess, is because you’re a massive bitch.
Marietta: I’m gonna miss this so much.
Four days later…
Marissa: Marietta, turn the TV on!
Tammy: Matter of fact, I would like to watch The View. Thank you for giving me permission, Marissa!
Henrietta: Congrats on the re-election, by the way!
Marissa: Thank you, you’re all so sweet. Now, TV. Huge news, you gotta see it.
Marietta: Did someone die? Is it the President?
Marissa: No, this is… well, you’ll see.
On the TV…
Velma: Again, we have just received reports that mayoral candidate Kent Egerton has been arrested today as part of a longstanding state police investigation into prostitution in the city. Mr. Egerton was caught allegedly soliciting the services of a prostitute in the city early this morning. We have reached out to his campaign and have yet to hear back.
Marietta: Holy sh-
Kathleen: So, we keeping this office design for the next four years? I was thinking we could rearrange the furniture, make it better for feng shui.
Marietta: Is this real life?
Marissa: I ran down from my office the second I heard it. This is just incredible!
Tammy: Well, we’re probably about to witness the dissolution of a marriage, but this is indeed really great news for us.
Henrietta: What kind of idiot is buying hookers while they’re running for mayor? I mean… what the hell, man?
Amy: The kind of idiot who isn’t getting any at home.
Henrietta: He couldn't have waited? He just blew it, and for what, two minutes of pleasure?
Amy: Two minutes? Is tha-
Marietta: No! We are not having this discussion here today. No sex talk.
Amy: I forgot, this is a touchy topic for you. Well, not “touchy,” no touching going on in some time.
Marietta: You’re fired. Pack your things and go.
Henrietta: I just can’t wrap my head around this!
Amy: She’s not really firing me, darling.
Henrietta: I mean this Egerton arrest. Why risk it?
Tammy: Ah, she acts so mature that sometimes I forget how young and inexperienced she is. This is her first big sex scandal!
Amy: Don’t worry, honey, they just keep getting funnier with each passing one.
Tammy: I don’t know, it’ll be hard to top the hilarity of this one. Usually it’s just a politician sleeping with an employee, this time… he paid for it. What a loser!
Marietta: It’s like LL Cool J said… don’t call it a comeback.
Amy: Don’t say “come” right now. Poor Kent never got to.
Tammy: You are filthy!
Amy: Come on, Tammy! This is the best thing that’s ever happened to any of us, let me joke about it!
Tammy: This is the best thing to ever happen to you?
Amy: The pure joy brought to me by the downfall of my political enemies is powerful enough to extent my life by ten years.
Marissa: You are a hate-filled little troll.
Amy: Thank you. I use my powers for good now, at least.
Marietta: She hates with heart.
Moira: Hey! Have you guys hea-
Marietta: Yep! Trying to process it all as we speak.
Moira: Dammit, Marissa, you always beat me to the news!
Marissa: That’s because you wear this impractical high heels, while I wear fashionable flats.
Moira: Anyway… you guys think this will be enough to win?
Tammy: Enough to win? I think she’ll blow him out so badly -
Amy: Horrendous phrasing.
Tammy: This is going to be enough to thrust -
Amy: Knock it off.
Tammy: Her into the national spotlight. This will be major news. She’s gonna win by enough, the Democrats are going to want to run her for president.
Marietta: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s just beat the hooker guy first.
Amy: Are we still running that nice little ad we did with your family?
Marietta: We had to teach my mom lines. We didn’t endure the struggle for no reason.
Tammy: Not to sound too much like a Republican, but I think it’s a very good idea to emphasize family values right now when our opponent enjoys the company of ladies of the evening.
Amy: Then I guess we’ll get that ad on the air.
Tammy: How do we address the arrest? All this talk about it, and I have no idea how best to capitalize on it.
Marissa: I think you should send Henrietta out to address it. She is uniquely well-positioned to tackle the issue.
Moira: I feel like I’m out of the loop here. Did I miss something?
Marietta: This scandal has broken Henrietta’s brain. Poor thing isn’t used to seeing real scandals up close.
Tammy: She doesn’t even know real scandal. I worked with a guy in Congress accused of murdering one of his interns, who was stealing from his office. Buying hookers is like shoplifting gum in comparison.
Amy: To answer your question, we’re just going to let him self-implode. Nothing we can say will ever measure up to the damage he’ll do just by addressing this himself.
Tammy: I’m always good with less work.
Amy: Don’t you ever let anyone tell you you were a bad choice for campaign manager. You are terrific!
Tammy: Thank you! I think?
Later that night…
Patty Lynn: How thrilling was today’s news?
Marietta: We popped champagne at the office.
Martin: I always told you to believe in miracles. This is why!
Sarah: I feel bad for his dumb wife, she never asked for any of this. And we’re celebrating her public embarrassment.
Kathleen: I’d say that she obviously knew, but considering her IQ, I guess I could buy that she was left entirely in the dark on this one. I do pity her a bit.
Patty Lynn: Wow, she does have a heart! Buried deep, deep in there.
Martin: What does it feel like to know you’re getting another four years after all these obstacles thrown at you?
Marietta: I’m not counting any of my chickens before they hatch. This race has been way too wild for any assumptions.
Patty Lynn: I always knew people would see through Egerton. He was all talk, no action. Tough words, no solutions. A fresh face with no experience. There was no reason for anyone to genuinely back him.
Sarah: They weren’t going to see through him before this scandal. He was polling at 55%.
Marietta: I must say, it does suck to work so hard just to only win on a technicality. However, I’ll take that over losing.
Martin: You’d never be in this position if you didn’t run the campaign you did. If you threw in the towel when they said it was impossible, you’d have lost in the primary. You kept him under fifty, and kept New Orleans from being stuck with him.
Sarah: Have you considered how funny it would have been to have to go through four years with him?
Kathleen: Could still happen! No one’s considering that buying prostitutes could help him out in this city!
Martin: You talk down about this city so much for someone that spent the majority of her life living in Arkansas.
Kathleen: What is wrong with Arkansas?
Martin: We don’t need to get into that right now.
Patty Lynn: Honey, today is a day to celebrate. I made a nice dinner, how about you tay and enjoy it with us?
Marietta: Against my better judgment, I’ll accept. Not in the mood for cooking tonight, anyway, just for partying.
Kathleen: oh, look at the TV! Martin, turn it up!
Martin: What’s so special on there?
Kathleen: Hooker man is on!
Martin: John Lee Hooker? Is he not deceased?
Kathleen: Kent Egerton!
Martin: Oh, right. Him…
Kent: Hello, New Orleans. I want to address today’s events and state unequivocally that these charges against me are false. They are nothing more than an orchestrated political attack against me to undermine my standing in this election. The mayor should be ashamed of these underhanded tactics, and I’ll fight tooth and nail to clear my name. I mean, soliciting a prostitute? Does anyone actually buy that?
Kathleen: Maybe we wouldn’t if they didn’t catch you doing it on camera!
Kent: We are all sadly used to dirty attacks on the character of politicians, and this is no different. I intend to continue fighting for this city as I move forward with my mayoral run, because I refuse allow lies to force me to back down from a challenge. I will be canceling all of my campaign events for today and tomorrow before I head back out on the trail on Thursday, because I remain the frontrunner in this race, and I know this city will have my back. In the meantime, it’s important to make it clear that my family is sticking by my side, we are all in this together and we are stronger than ever.
Sarah: Is Kent trying to tell us he’s a fan of High School Musical?
Kathleen: I don’t know, were there any hookers in that?
Kent: I’m going to turn this press conference over to my wife and campaign manager, Tressa.
Kathleen: As if this conference weren’t dumb enough so as it is.
Tressa: Yeah, uh, hi, everyone. I’m Tressa Egerton, and I think you should all know, none of what my husband said is true.
Kent: Tressa!
Marietta: Oh, this is beautiful.
Tressa: Kent, I’m not the sharpest out there, but it’s very obvious even to me that you’re guilty. We all know it’s true, you’re a horrible liar.
Kent: She’s in an emotional sta-
Tressa: This is probably the most embarrassing thing I will ever go through, and I won’t allow you to continue putting me through it. I will be filing for divorce. Thank you, everyone, this press conference is over.
Kent: Tressa! You can’t do this!
Marietta: I can’t believe I got to watch that unfold on live television.
Kathleen: I hope someone has that recorded.
Two weeks later, at Marietta’s victory party…
Amy: You excited for the big night?
Marietta: I’m excited that for the first time in my entire career, this is so locked-up that I didn’t even have to bother campaigning today. We got to relax, arrive early for the party, and enjoy the last-minute polls showing me leading by thirty points.
Patty Lynn: Finally, this city came to their senses and realized they already have the best.
Sarah: All because one guy couldn’t keep it in his pants.
Henrietta: Then his wife divorced him on TV. That was brutal.
Marietta: God, it’s brutal out here.
Tammy: This has been maybe the weirdest campaign I’ve ever worked on, and I once ran against a cast member from Barney Miller.
Amy: Which cast member?
Tammy: I don’t know, didn’t watch the show or pay attention to the primary, I knew I was solid.
Amy: Our campaign manager, everybody.
Eliza: Have you guys heard anything about the city council races?
Marietta: That’s the best part! Reggie Barrack has tied himself so tightly to Egerton, he is expected to lose re-election today.
Eliza: Wow!
Moira: We’re all very happy. That man is an absolute pain in the a-
Milton: I think this party is missing a few people!
Marietta: You made it!
Ellie: Are you kidding? We wouldn’t miss getting to see you wipe the floor with this rich prostitute-buying Foghorn Leghorn soundalike for the world!
Kate: I heard through the grapevine that I wasn’t quite good enough for your campaign this year.
Marietta: And where did you hear that, Gladys Knight?
Kate: A little birdie.
Ellie: And that birdie’s name was Tammy.
Milton: I have to say, Egerton self-imploded in truly impressive fashion, and I’m a bit bitter about it. You’re clearly on track to beat my record-holding vote total in the city.
Marietta: Well, it’s like the Goo Goo Dolls say, everything’s made to be broken, including records.
Milton: I’d never question to knowledge of the Goo Goo Dolls.
Ellie: I’ll be honest, Marietta, this is not where I was expecting us to be the last time I saw you. I thought i’d be having to console a loser.
Marietta: Everyone, raise your hand if you thought on the day of the primary the i’d be getting re-elected.
Patty Lynn: I always had faith!
Milton: You don’t count. You think we walk on water.
Marietta: I’m glad we’re all being pleasantly surprised today, then. Much better than what Egerton’s going through right now.
Tammy: Although, again, that is so funny.
Kate: This is personal for me, too. He sent Ducovney out to rail against me. And he lost!
Sarah: Again, because of the prostitution.
Kate: If people really hated me as much as he acted like they do, they would be willing to oversee the prostitution.
Ellie: You realize he wasn’t running against you, correct?
Marietta: Ah, Kate. Some may call you selfish, but I think it’s iconic that you made my re-election campaign about you. I always appreciate a good laugh.
Tammy: So what are we thinking tonight? Forty percent margin?
Amy: It would be nice if she beat him by a larger margin than she beat me by after all this.
Marietta: Oh, yeah! I forgot I beat you by so much.
Amy: I never have.
Milton: Considering his wife has endorsed you, I’d say it’ll be an easy feat.
Marietta: Well, we’ll find out soon enough.
Three hours later…
Eliza: The crowd is warmed up, I think they’re tired of me. One of them threw a shoe at me.
Marietta: Well, this is New Orleans, after all.
Eliza: They want you.
Marietta: They just called the election? Should I give prostitute man a little bit of time to concede?
Amy: The people demand Marietta. Go give it to them.
Marietta: I gotta say, girls -
Milton: I’m here, too!
Marietta: Girls and Milton. And dad.
Martin: Thank you for remembering me, honey.
Marietta: I never expected things to end this way. Frankly, I thought me and Tammy were going to be in prison.
Tammy: So did I!
Marietta: And yet, here we are. I couldn’t have gotten through all this without you. You kept me fighting.
Elena: can you go fight out there before the crowd rips my wife in half?
Ellie: Yeah, you’re really giving these people blue balls. The only one who deserves that fate is Kent Egerton!
Tammy: May I suggest a celebratory keg stand in advance?
Marietta: Pass.
Maria: Remember where we were four years ago?
Tammy: You mean when you popped a kid out and Marietta disappeared and I couldn’t find her anywhere?
Marietta: That was a crazy night.
Maria: Well, today we actually get to experienced the celebration in person. Don’t let it get away.
Marietta: Okay, I guess it’s time to go address my adoring fans slash below Kent Egerton haters. Amy, you have my speech?
Amy: Didn’t Henrietta write that?
Henrietta: What?
Amy: Kidding! Here you go!
Milton: Pro tip. Read it quick before you got out and speak. I almost read an Arby’s receipt when I gave my victory speech because I mixed the two up.
Marietta: Four more years of this. What a blessing.
Patty Lynn: Oh my god! I just realized something!
Marietta: What? Do I have spinach in my teeth?
Patty Lynn: Is this our last election night party together?
Milton: Um… I’m a senator!
Patty Lynn: Okay. Our last happy party together.
Milton: That was rude.
Patty Lynn: You accused me of not being realistic in regards to you kids, here I am being realistic.
Marietta: Guys, I gotta go. Amy, great speech.
Amy: You read that already?
Marietta: Skimmed it. I gotta go.
Tammy: Hey.
Marietta: Oh my god, I’m convinced you’re all trying to delay me now.
Tammy: Congratulations, Mayor Landfield. I’m glad I didn’t screw things up for you. I’m sorry I almost did.
Marietta: Ah, we all live and learn. See you guys on the flip side!
Marietta walks out onto the stage to deliver her victory speech.
What did you think of the season finale of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the midseason premiere of Raymond Island next week!
