Frances and the crew are in the studio.
DeAnna: Hey! We gotta talk!
Frances: Do you guys hear anything?
DeAnna: Very professional.
Marcia: Oh, lovely. This song and dance again.
Beverly: DeAnna, what is this about? We have actual work to do, unlike you, apparently.
Marcia: Does she even have an actual show? We all seem to just take her at her word that she does, no one’s ever really seen it to confirm.
DeAnna: My show is the #2 cooking show in the country.
Frances: After mine!
DeAnna: Got her attention! Good!
Frances: Dammit!
DeAnna: Rumors swirling today. Huge ones.
Frances: Rumors as huge as Fleetwood Mac's?
DeAnna: They are saying that Dana is ordering huge budget cuts around the whole network. Every show’s going to have to lay people off. She also wants more creative control. The network is definitely taking a different direction than when Charlie was in charge.
Marcia: Was that an intentional Charles in Charge reference?
DeAnna: Not intentional, but I guess my mind is just more clever than I thought it was.
Frances: Puke.
Beverly: You seem very at ease about these layoffs.
Frances: Are you that heartless that you don’t even care about your own staff being laid off?
DeAnna: No, I just don’t see the need for panic right now. I know my persuasive skills are very strong, Dana’s not going to make me cut my staff. You guys are probably screwed, though. Might have to let Jane go.
Frances: You leave Jane out of this!
Marcia: Yeah! She may have an IQ lower than that of a goldfish, and she may not know any responsibilities of her job besides bringing us coffee, but she is an invaluable member of this team!
DeAnna: I know that, your adoration for her is very clear. It’s Dana who you need to convince of that. Will you be able to?
Frances: Dana probably isn’t even doing any of this, you just made this up to get a rise out of us.
DeAnna: Would I subject myself to a visit from you for no reason?
Frances: Yes! You do it like once or twice a week.
DeAnna: Not this time. Our network is in real trouble now, and I’m just trying to give you advanced warning before Dana remakes it all in her image.
Frances: Forgive me for thinking you don’t have our best interests at heart, I don’t know what you’ve ever done to make me think differently.
Beverly: All right, this has been a very productive conversation. Now, I think we should go get to filming as we all fret about our future employment.
Four hours later…
Frances: So who was that phone call from? You and Earl planning a hot date?
Beverly: Not quite. I do have a date with Dana on Monday, though.
Frances: Oh, god. Was DeAnna not lying?
Beverly: I don’t know how correct Dana was, but Dana never requests office meetings, so there may well have been an inkling of truth to it.
Jane: What did DeAnna say?
Marcia: Maybe if you were ever on time, you would know.
Frances: It’s no big deal, really. DeAnna just says that Dana is planning to make staffing cuts across the network, including you.
Jane: That sounds like a big deal to me!
Marcia: Not quite as dumb as she looks, I guess.
Jane: Why would Dana fire me?
Frances: I don’t know, Jane. We need you around here.
Marcia: Who would we laugh at if not for you?
Beverly: You.
Marcia: Exactly! Jane is an essential worker!
Frances: We could be overreacting. Maybe Dana just wants to have a friendly lunch with Bev.
Beverly: Do I give off lesbian vibes? I worry I’m giving Dana the wrong idea.
Marcia: Oh my god, your are an idiot. You sound like Jane!
Jane: What’s wrong with that?
Beverly: So it’s not a date, then. It’s just two business colleagues going out for a lunch together for no reason other than to get to know each other better. No mass firings!
Frances: There’s the spirit! It’s almost certainly wrong, but it’s good to have the spirit!
Beverly: I just wish I didn’t have to wait until Monday to find out what she wants. I’m going to spend my whole weekend worrying that she’s going to cut our staff or our budget.
Marcia: Just self-medicate all weekend. It’s what I do.
Beverly: What do you do that for?
Marcia: TV production is very stressful.
Beverly: As an actual TV producer, I am aware.
Marcia: You don’t have to deal with Jane like I do. And thank god I do, she’s such an integral part of this team.
Jane: Thank you!
Frances: Bev, don’t worry too much about it. Stressing and ruining your days off won’t solve anything. Whatever Dana has planned is going to happen whether you dwell on it or not.
Beverly: This is smart advice, a shame my anxiety won’t allow me to listen to it.
Frances: Ah, well, it’s only two days ruined after all.
Later that night…
Greg: So, honey, how was work? Still getting used to being back on the job?
Frances: I bake food all day while a camera films me, it’s not very difficult to return to that. Especially after only a few weeks away. I’ve gone on vacations longer than that.
Greg: Glad you had a good day, then. I think?
Frances: Oh, no! It was terrible!
Louise: I had a g-
Frances: DeAnna told us that Dana is cutting staff and we’re all panicked about layoffs and budget cuts.
Louise: No, I wasn’t talking.
Lauren: Mom, she was talking first.
Louise: Well, I had a story to tell!
Jimmy: So about DeAnna… you sure you can buy what she’s selling?
Louise: I don’t know. She’s a pain in the ass, but why lie about this? Dana did ask for a meeting with Beverly, so clearly she has something to share with her.
Jimmy: How much could your show really cost to produce? You yourself admitted that the entire show is just a camera filming you baking. That has to be cheap.
Frances: I don’t come cheap!
Jimmy: Do you think Dana might ask you to take a pay cut?
Frances: She better not even dream of it.
Greg: I’m sure, whatever is going on there, it’ll all work out. It always does in the end. You didn’t even know if you were going to re-sign your contract last time until the very end of negotiations.
Frances: I would feel so awful if our staff got cut. Especially if it were Jane. DeAnna seems to think she’s one of the ones in jeopardy.
Lauren: Well, what does she actually do? I’ve been on the set multiple times and have yet to figure that one out.
Frances: She brings us our coffee and boosts our morale. Much more important job than it sounds.
Greg; I’m sure Dana will also see her importance and keep her on the staff.
Frances: I wouldn’t be so sure. Dana only sees dollar signs.
Louise: Okay, she got her story out. Can I tell mine now?
Frances: Anyone interested? Show of hands.
Louise: This is unfair!
Frances: All right 0-3 decision, you lose.
Louise: I was at work and I’m pretty sure I saw -
Frances: You lost. This is an unauthorized story!
Louise: Matthew McConaughey. I saw Matthew McConaughey.
Frances: That was at least very short and to the point. I appreciate it.
Jimmy: All right, all right, all right.
Lauren: Was he naked and playing the bongos?
Louise: He was sadly clothed.
Jimmy: Sadly?
Louise: Work is boring, I need something to spice it up. Don’t take it too personal.
Frances: So we’ve moved on from my problem?
Louise: How does it feel?
Monday, in Dana’s office…
Beverly: You have a very nice office here.
Dana: Thank you, I had the Property Brothers design it.
Beverly: I love this little swinging pendulum on your desk, I always wanted one of those.
Dana: Ah, take it. It was free.
Beverly: Free?
Dana: Yeah, Steve Spielberg gave it to me in our White Elephant gift exchange last Christmas.
Beverly: Is that the “Steve Spielberg” of ET fame?
Dana: Yeah, he likes his friends to just call him “Steve.”
Beverly: You’re giving me a gift you got from Steven Spielberg? Are you buttering me up before you drop the bad news?
Dana: Who gave you the idea that bad news was coming?
Beverly: Dana… this is the first time I’ve ever seen your office. This is not a place people come to for fun.
Dana: I have plenty of fun here. This is where I play my Candy Crush.
Beverly: I don’t know what that is.
Dana: It doesn't matter. You seem a bit on edge today, so I’ll just get straight to business so you can calm down.
Beverly: Are you sure this will calm me down?
Dana: If you are panicked over me giving you bad news, then it should. I have no bad news to share.
Beverly: That damn DeAnna!
Dana: Isn’t she incredibly annoying?
Beverly: Are you just realizing that?
Dana: The more I spend time with her, the more apparent it becomes. I just had a meeting with her, what a horrible experience.
Beverly: We’ve had to deal with her for three years now. Never gets easier, especially with Frances around.
Dana: I’m just glad that, in spite of her extreme unlikability, the viewers still tune in. The investment this network made in her is at least not a loss. But enough of that, you don’t want to talk about DeAnna. Nobody does.
Beverly: Moment of truth time. Lay it on me.
Dana: It’s been over a month since we lost Charlie, and I know what a terrible shock that was and how devastated we all were. However, some of Charlie’s management tactics were not designed for long-term success.
Beverly: Oh no. Are you shutting the network down? Was he doing that badly?
Dana: I said it wasn’t bad news!
Beverly: It’s not bad news for you, you call Steven Spielberg “Steve,” you’re set upon int his town! This all goes south, you probably get a promotion!
Dana: I promise you, I am sticking with this job. Where else do I have access to all this great food?
Beverly: You eat food? I’ve never seen it happen.
Dana: What I’m trying to say here is that Charlie let all of the shows basically do their own things and never gave network notes. It gave the impression that our network doesn’t care about the quality of our programming. I’m going to change that.
Beverly: Uh-huh.
Dana: You’re mad.
Beverly: You haven’t said anything yet.
Dana: I’m going to take a more hands-on approach to production. I’ll start attending occasional tapings, give you notes on episodes, take part in the editing process, all that. I’m trying to put my own polish on our network.
Beverly: You want creative control?
Dana: Basically, yeah.
Beverly: We make a show about cooking instructions. It’s not Game of Thrones.
Dana: You’re right, it’s not, but I think we can do better for our viewers.
Beverly: Oh. You aren’t satisfied with our show?
Dana: No, it’s not that! I just want to help out.
Beverly: What’s wrong with our show?
Dana: Nothing!
Beverly: Then what is your problem?
Dana: Okay, you want the real answer?
Beverly: Yes, Dana. I really do.
Dana: Production is slower than it could be. There are more efficient ways to make the show.
Beverly: So I’m the problem? You thought I’d be happy with this?
Dana: I’m just trying to cut costs and speed production along without firing anyone.
Beverly: At least you’re doing us a favor!
Dana: I am doing you a favor, if you’re able to believe it. I know you don’t want anyone fired, so I just want to hurry the show along so it takes less time to film. You and the dummy made five shows in one day during the strike, you mean to tell me you can’t do a few shows in one day with the full crew? This is a problem we’re addressing with every show on the lot, not just yours.
Beverly: Al right, fine. You make the changes you need, we’ll make it work.
Dana: I won’t do anything to ruin your show. You have my word.
Beverly: They say person is only as good as their word. Guess it’s time to figure out how good you are.
The next day…
Beverly: All right, girls. Big day today.
Jane: Am I fired?
Marcia: It wouldn't be a “big” day if you were, you don’t actually do anything on this show.
Beverly: Inexplicably, you are not fired.
Jane: Yes!
Beverly: We have a special guest coming to supervise today’s show.
Frances: No!
Beverly: Our boss, our network head, Dan Maximoff.
Frances: No! Why?
Beverly: She’s trying to increase efficiency on our set, she wants us to film multiple episodes per day.
Marcia: We barely get one done!
Beverly: Apparently, Dana is a master time manager. She’s going to keep us clipping along at a breezy pace so we can get two filmed in the time it takes to do one.
Marcia: I’d like to see her try. She doesn’t know what kind of mess we are.
Dana: I think I’m aware.
Marcia: Oh, there she is!
Dana: I’m very excited for today’s supervision.
Frances: Yeah, so are we.
Beverly: We’ll get started, I guess. I got you a chair.
Dana: Wow, it has my name on it.
Jane: I don’t have a chair.
Marcia: They’re probably afraid you wouldn’t know how to use it.
Dana: Marcia, I think you should be kinder to Jane in order to foster a more positive and loving environment.
Marcia: I’ll tell you where to stick that.
Dana: That is also not appropriate behavior.
Beverly: Marcia… can it.
Marcia: Fine, I’ll tame myself.
Frances: Should I get in the kitchen?
Beverly: That’s where we film, yeah.
Frances: All right, uh. We starting now?
Beverly: Is that okay, Dana?
Dana: That would be great!
Beverly: All right, cameras rolling.
Dana: Wow, we’re making great time!
Frances: Hello, I’m Frances and welcome to my kitchen!
Dana: Stop!
Beverly: What now?
Dana: Do we need that catchphrase? Every episode starts with the title card.
Frances: It’s been in the show since the first episode.
Dana: Isn’t it time to shake things up?
Frances: No.
Dana: Okay, if it’s that important, it cans tay.
Frances: Good.
Beverly: Cameras rolling again.
Dana: Wait.
Beverly: Oh my god! What now?
Dana: We have multiple ovens on the set, maybe we don’t film both episodes back-to-back but rather start one, prepare all of the dishes from that episodes in the oven, and then film for the other while those are in the oven.
Beverly: It’s not a bad idea, but it couldn’t have waited until we weren’t filming?
Dana: It was a pressing matter.
Beverly: Yup. Very pressing.
Frances: I’d say this is going great!
Marcia: We will take all these changes to heart, I’m sure.
Dana: I’m glad you’re all taking this so well!
Frances: Beverly looks like she’s about to burst an artery, but that’s okay. It’s all in the name of efficiency!
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode in two weeks!
