Frances is on the set of Frances in the Kitchen when Lauren walks in.
Jane: Hey, look, it’s Lauren!
Beverly: And… she just talked during our shot and ruined it.
Frances: Is that not what makes TV magical?
Marcia: Just think, Bev, this is the girl who you wanted back so desperately last week after she missed one day of work.
Beverly: What was I thinking?
Jane: Are you talking about me?
Marcia: No, dear, we’re talking about Kathie Lee Gifford. No, of course we’re talking about you!Beverly: All good things!
Frances: So, Lauren, they’re all caught up in their own thing to notice you’re actually here, but I’m not. What are you doing here? I’ll rephrase that: Why are you subjecting yourself to this?
Lauren: Can we talk privately?
Frances: Who died? Or are you pregnant? Oh, god, I don’t know which is worse.
Lauren: I would prefer to say it in private.
Marcia: Does that include us or…?
Lauren: Fine, I’ll just say it. You’ll all find out from aunt Frances anyway, might as well bite the bullet. I just lost my job.
Frances: No! You were doing so well and you were so happy, what happened?
Marcia: Did they catch you stealing? It’s happened to me, too.
Beverly: Elaborate.
Marcia: Not on this job! I’d never steal.
Frances: Don’t worry, Bev. I’ll start locking the drawers up.
Lauren: The company is downsizing, and they had to let people go. Sadly, the last ones hired are the first to go, and the includes me.
Frances: That’s a bunch of bull! Cut the ones with the big salaries, not the little guys who need the money!
Marcia: Did you just advocate for your own firing if this company has to downsize?
Frances: I think I may have, yes.
Lauren: The thing is, I’m not mad at them for letting me go first. I get it, I would never expect them to keep me over people that’ve been there for years. I’m just upset that I finally get a good job here, I feel like I’m being productive, and it’s gone in an instant. I feel so defeated.
Frances: Look at it this way: no more night shifts!
Jane: People work at night?
Marcia: Pretty crazy, huh? Especially since someone people I know don’t even work during the day!
Lauren: I do know one thing, and it’s that I have to get myself out there and find a new job fast. I have a little bit saved, but not nearly enough cover my rent and utilities for more than month or two.
Frances: Honey, you rent from me. Don’t worry about it, I’d never be able to take money from you knowing you’re struggling. And I certainly wouldn’t ever throw you out! That would just mean you have to move in with your parents, and I can’t do that to you.
Lauren: Oh no! I just realized I have to tell them! Mom’s gonna lose it.
Frances: Your mother is very reasonab- ha! Sorry, couldn’t get that one out. Your parents will understand that this wasn’t your fault. You can’t be blamed for working for a downsizing company. Nothing you did brought this on.
Lauren: Logic has never been their strong suit. How am I going to explain any of this to a couple of emotional rollercoasters?
Frances: I’m going to have dinner at my place tonight, you’ll tell them then. If they don’t understand it, I’ll back you up.
Lauren: That’s really kind of you, I’d appreciate that greatly.
Frances: It’s no problem, I love cooking for people.
Jane: I’m in!
Marcia: Yeah, me too!
Beverly: I am not, because I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the invite did not include us.
Frances: Lauren, would you mind if they came?
Lauren: We all know how annoying they’ll be if they don’t get to come. Go ahead and let them.
Marcia: You know us too well!
Lauren: Well, I appreciate all of you being someone to bounce my thoughts off of, I won’t bug you any longer here, I know you all want to get to filming.
Marcia: Oh, that. Don’t worry, none of us want to do that. We’ve heard more than our fair share of crepe recipes, we don’t need here to go over it again.
Jane: What’s a crepe?
Frances: See, I told you it’s been long enough to do it again!
Lauren: All right, I’ll see you all tonight, you enjoy your crepes!
Beverly: Do you want me to bring anything?
Frances: Oh, you’re coming now?
Beverly: Well, it they’re invited…
Frances: Bring some booze, please, might loosen Louise up a bit.
Lauren walks off the set and is stopped by DeAnna in the parking lot.
DeAnna: Hey! You’re Frances’ niece, aren’t you?
Lauren: That’s what they tell me.
DeAnna: I’m DeAnna Clifton. We’ve met before, but -
Lauren: I’m fully aware of who you are. I don’t think I’m allowed to talk to you.
DeAnna: Don’t believe everything you hear from people. Your aunt and I get along just fine.
Lauren: Didn’t she hit you with a car?
DeAnna: For legal purposes, I hate to tell you that that's water under the bridge.
Lauren: I’m going to get going, nice to catch up with you, keep it weird.
DeAnna: Wait!
Lauren: Are you going to mug me?
DeAnna: Why would I do that to my future employee?
Lauren: Do you have me confused with someone else?
DeAnna: Look, I was about to walk into Frances’ studio to talk with her and I overheard what you were saying. My production assistant just left a few weeks ago after having a baby, and she just told me she’s not coming back. Wants to be a stay-at-home some for a while, I hear. I know you’ve been lightly involved in production on your aunt’s show, I think you’d be a great fit.
Lauren: Are you sure? Like, really sure?
DeAnna: Of course I’m sure. I see someone who needs help, I help. It’s who I am.
Lauren: Normally I’d think this over, but I really am desperate for a job, I need to make ends meet. I’ll take it.
DeAnna: Ah, that’s great! I think you’ll really enjoy it.
Lauren: I have one question, though.
DeAnna: No takesies-backsies!
Lauren: I won’t have to cook, right? I’m not very good at it.
DeAnna: No cooking required, that’ll stay my gig.
Lauren: Then I’ll definitely take the job. I appreciate it.
DeAnna: I appreciate being able to do this for you. Knowing the joy it will bring your family is payment enough for me.
Later that night, at Frances’ house…
Greg: Doorbell! Wonder who that is!
Frances: No one we actually want to see, I know that much.
Greg opens the door.
Louise: Well, it’s about time! You invite me over for dinner at the last minute and then make us stand out here waiting! It’s -
Jimmy: Lovely to see all of you.
Frances: See, Greg. I was right. No one wanted to see her!
Louise: I’m an invited guest, so clearly someone wanted to see me!
Lauren: That’d be me?
Louise: They’re letting you invite people now? They never let me invite people over when I lived here!
Frances: Yes, because I like her, and she pays me money.
Louise: Money, money, money, it’s just like ABBA says.
Frances: What’s that supposed to mean?
Louise: You like her because she pays you, you just said it.
Frances: No, I like her because she’s nice to me and doesn’t seemingly go out of her way to antagonize me.
Louise: That’s our dynamic! It’s playful!
Frances: Greg, entertain them while I finish up in the kitchen. I have to get this done before everyone else arrives, I can’t leave all of them for you to deal with alone.
Greg: I don’t even know if I can handle Louise.
Louise: Oh my god, man up, man! We lived together for years, you have nothing to be afraid of!
Greg: I was afraid of you then, too.
Lauren: Mom, just dial the abrasiveness down a bit.
Louise: Wow! This is how you all treat an invited guest?
Frances: Yes, now sit there and wait for me to bring out the crudités.
One hour later…
Beverly: Frances, this lasagna is to die for.
Marcia: Yeah, why don’t you make anything this good on the show?
Frances: I’ll keep it in mind.
Jane: I thought those cookies she made today were really good!
Marcia: Jane, those were Pepperidge Farm.
Jane: I don’t care what the name of the recipe is, she still made them.
Marcia: Is there ANY brain activity up there?
Jane: Up where?
Beverly: Give the kid a break, it’s not like they were still in the bag or anything.
Marcia: They were! I remember, because I finished the bag myself!
Beverly: Oy…
Frances: Why were you all eating bagged Pepperidge Farm when I made molasses cookies today?
Marcia: I think you answered your own question.
Jimmy: I love your molasses cookies! They’re grandma’s recipe, right?
Frances: Yes, they are. Marcia just insulted my whole family tree.
Lauren: Speaking of our family tree, I have something really important I wanted to share.
Frances: Good segue, very natural!
Lauren: I -
Louise: Are you getting married? I’m very concerned that he would propose before meeting us, but I am willing to consider supporting the nuptials if he apologizes profusely enough.
Lauren: I’m not getting married.
Jimmy: You’ll get ‘em next time, kid!
Lauren: I got fired today.
Louise: You WHAT?
Frances: Honey, explain to her how this is not your fault.
Louise: Frances knew? You told her first?
Jane: I also knew!
Louise: I feel woozy.
Lauren: I didn’t mean anything my telling them before you. I just needed people to vent to and I was worried about how you’d react. I knew they wouldn’t judge.
Louise: You think I judge you?
Jimmy: How did you lose your job?
Lauren: The company was downsizing and they had to let people go.
Louise: And they thought my daughter was expendable? They’ll be hearing from me!
Lauren: They let go of the most recent 15% of hires, that included me. They didn’t make any exceptions.
Louise: The greed in this country just makes me sick. No one even values a good employee anymore.
Lauren: It’s okay, I found a new job?
Frances: You did? News to me.
Greg: The fact that she was fired was news to all of us, at least you knew that before we did.
Frances: You have a big mouth, Greg, I knew you would’ve let it spill before Lauren was ready.
Greg: I do not!
Marcia: You do.
Jane: I’ve been told I have an abnormally large mouth. I can fit my fist in my mouth.
Marcia: That’s great, Jane. Care to show us?
Frances: Don’t do that.
Jimmy: Where is this new job that you found so quickly? I respect the hustle, we all know how long it took me to find a new job.
Frances: Several hundred years.
Lauren: I’m going to be a production assistant on Cooking with DeAnna.
Frances: Ha! Good one!
Lauren: No, I’m serious. DeAnna offered me a job and I took it.
Frances: Out! Get out of my house!
Greg: No, no, do not go. We just need to sit down and relax for a minute and cooler heads will prevail.
Frances: She’s a traitor! She’s betrayed me and my honor!
Marcia: Suddenly, I am so glad we came.
Jane: Is she talking about the DeAnna we know?
Beverly: Yes!
Jane: Wow, no wonder Frances is losing her mind, DeAnna is awful!
Frances: Even Jane can see it!
Lauren: She told me your feud was overblown.
Frances: You believed her over me? When have I ever seen a single kind word about her?
Lauren: I just wanted to find a new job, and one was set in my lap. I didn’t see any plausible reason to turn it down.
Louise: I’m proud of you! Gotta get back on your feet, life is too cruel to worry about who is employing you, just make sure you’re employed.
Frances: She is my biggest rival, she’s screwed me out of jobs, stabbed me in the back countless times. She only hired her to hurt me.
Louise: The world doesn’t revolve around you. It’s a mere coincidence.
Frances: It is not!
Louise: Is it so hard to think maybe DeAnna is just impressed with Lauren’s resume?
Frances: DeAnna doesnt’ care about that, she runs on spite. Lauren, don’t take the job. She’ll throw you out like trash once she’s done with you.
Lauren: I need to take it in order to pay you.
Frances: You won’t have to worry about paying me if you take the job.
Jimmy: What are you saying?
Frances: I’m telling her how much she hurt me and she’s still taking it. I can’t have her living here after such a betrayal.
Jimmy: You’re going too far now. You’ll let a dumb feud with DeAnna come between family? You’re letting her win!
Lauren: I didn’t mean to hur-
Frances: Fine, you can stay. But for now, you’re just a tenant. I can’t trust you. Don’t come in my house, don’t ride along with me to work, we’re not close like that anymore. This dinner is over, I’m going to bed.
Marcia: It’s six o’clo-
Beverly: Time to go before she fires us, hurry up.
That night, in bed…
Greg: That was harsh.
Frances: I’ve been in bed for over an hour, how did you know I was still awake?
Greg: Because Wheel of Fortune hasn’t even aired yet. This is not an hour where you are ever asleep.
Frances: I’m not happy with all that has gone on tonight, I just want to escape from it in my dreams.
Greg: She’s your niece, and she’s just trying to make ends meet. Jimmy’s right, this is just another attempt by DeAnna to mess with your life. Don’t let her win.
Frances: How do I accept her betrayal?
Greg: It’s not a betrayal! She’s not siding with Deanna - just accepting payment from her in exchange for employment on a television show.
Frances: Now you’re making me question myself. I don’t like that!
Greg: It’s what I do best.
Frances: Let me just lay in here in silence and contemplate.
Greg: Will do. Goodnight, my love.
Frances: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re a pain in my ass.
The next morning, on the studio lot…
DeAnna: Frances! You’ve brought me flowers!
Frances: Screw off. Where is Lauren?
Lauren: I’m right here, Ms. Conner.
Frances: Oh, Jesus, I’m your aunt Frances.
Lauren: You sure?
Frances: I’m sorry, kid. I shouldn’t have lashed out at your like that. I don’t approve of your choice of employment, but it’s none of my business. It’s not my life to live. All I want is for you to find success.
Lauren: I appreciate that, and I’m sorry for hurting you.
Frances: Keep the job, you’ve earned it. This is not going to change anything, this isn’t going to split us. I wish you luck, and I wish you success. Knock ‘em dead. Start with DeAnna.
Lauren: I’m going to try.
Frances: We’re carpooling tomorrow, by the way. It’s best for the planet.
Lauren: Wouldn’t have it any other way!
Frances: DeAnna, always great to see you! Treat her well, or I’ll break your arm.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
