Frances in the Kitchen Season 4 Episode 7 - Jane’s Not in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 4 Episode 7
Jane's Not in the Kitchen

Jane rolls out of bed and picks up her phone as it rings.

Jane: Hello?

Beverly: Jane, sweetheart… don’t mind my asking, but where are you?

Jane: What do you mean? You called my house, don’t you know I’m here?

Beverly: What I mean is, what are you up to?

Marcia: Obviously not work.

Jane: I overslept, I just got up.

Beverly: It’s after ten!

Marcia: We had to get our own coffee!

Beverly: It was the greatest struggle Marcia has ever faced in her life.

Marcia: Don’t mock me! Jane’s the one who didn’t show up for her job!

Jane: I’ll be there as soon as I can!

Beverly: Don’t worry about it, we can make do without you for one day. Between the time it would take for you to get ready for work and the driving time, it’ll be at least two hours. The day will be over halfway over. Just enjoy the day off.

Jane: Really? It’s no tr-

Beverly: Honey, your number one responsibility is to get us coffee. I’m not actually sure what else you do. You won’t get here until nearly one, at the earliest. Just enjoy the day off.

Jane: I don’t know what to do with a day off. I’m not used to those.

Marcia: What do you mean? You’re off most days.

Jane: No I’m not! I come to work every day!

Marcia: I didn't mean “off” in that wa- never mind.

Beverly: You shouldn’t be cutting into any private conversations, anyway.

Marcia: I’m just talking to Jane, is that a crime?

Beverly: Jane, we’re gonna let you go, okay? You have a nice day, enjoy the time off. We’ll see you tomorrow.

Marcia: As long as she remembers to set her alarm, that is.

Jane: You’re really sure I can’t come in?

Beverly: Just enjoy the day! We don’t need you to concern yourself with coming in, you have earned this respite.

Jane: This what?

Beverly: Goodbye Jane!

Beverly hangs up.

Beverly: Well that was a marathon! Not to mention confusing.

Marcia: You were dealing with Jane, were you expecting her to understand basic human behavior?

Beverly: I guess I was pretty foolish to think she’d be able to take a hint. 

Marcia: Why don’t you want her to come in? You always want me to when I’m late.

Beverly: Because the risk of her harming herself in the three Horus it takes to drive here and come far outweighs the benefit of having her here on set for an hour or two. Also, if she came in towards the end of filming, we’d just have to explain to her what we’ve filmed so far because she wouldn’t be able to follow along if she din’t get the full backstory. That takes up valuable time!

Marcia: You think she’d be unable to follow along what’s going on with a cooki- yeah, good point.

Frances: Hey, Bev, you get ahold of Jane?

Beverly: I did. Called her cell twice and her home phone once and finally got her.

Frances: So when’s she gonna get here? I kinda miss her manic energy.

Beverly: She’s not coming in today. She just woke up.

Frances: What? It’s almost noon!

Marcia: Ten twenty-eight.

Frances: Close enough.

Marcia: I don’t know if it is.

Frances: So we have to do all of Jane’s responsibilities ourselves today?

Marcia: That shouldn’t be hard. Frances, you handle staring blankly into nothing. I’ll go steal some coffee from the Days Inn. Bev, you talk during filming and ruin the take.

Frances: She does a lot more around here than you think she does!

Marcia: Such as?

Frances: I can’t think of anything right now, but I’m sure she does. Why else would she still work here if she did nothing?

Marcia: Because she’s our friend?

Frances: That’s not a reason to keep someone employed!

Marcia: Hear that, Bev? Frances says you should call up Jane and let her know she doesn’t work here anymore.

Frances: I did not say that! I just said that surely Jane has actual duties around the workplace that we’re not currently aware of. She had to be somewhat competent in order to get the job in the first place.

Marcia: Yes, but it’s more fun to pretend you want her fired.

Frances: What is the fun in that?

Marcia: It gets under your skin.

Frances: Is that what you live for?

Marcia: No, but I do enjoy it greatly.

Beverly: All right, girls, that was a nice break. 

Frances: Is it time to go back already?

Beverly: Yeah, those muffins should be done by now. We don’t want to feel Dana’s wrath over not finishing in time, do we?

Frances: I don’t know, I think it’s funny when she storms in here with something on her mind.

Beverly: Think of the last time she did that. Keep that memory in your mind. Laugh at that, but don’t make it happen again.

Frances: Okay, works for me. Back to work, ‘cause no one else can teach the housewives how to bake six different kinds of muffins.

Marcia: I fear that we are running out of topics on this show.

Frances: We? When have you ever come up with a topic for this show?

Marcia: You don’t have to be mean.

One hour later, Jane knocks on the door of Frances and Greg’s house.

Lauren: Hey, Jane! What’s up?

Jane: I’m here to see Frances.

Lauren: She’s at work, isn’t she? Did she not show up? Oh no, how am I going to break this to uncle Greg?

Jane: No, I just thought she had the day off.

Lauren: I think I need some additional context here.

Jane: So Frances isn’t here?

Lauren: No. I have to ask again, because I’m lost, is she not at work?

Jane: I didn’t go in today, I wouldn’t know.

Lauren: Oh, okay. Why did you think she had off, too?

Jane: I thought it was like an office day for Beverly. There’s no way they could do a show without me!

Lauren: Uh-huh.

Jane: Frances isn’t here, but you are. Do you want to go do something?

Lauren: Me? I was making myself some lunch, we could go somewhere after that. Do you want something to eat?

Jane: No, I just ate.

Lauren: Did you really just eat or are you afraid of eating my cooking?

Jane: Come on, your cooking isn’t that bad!

Lauren: That was very sweet of you. Come on in, we can talk while I finish my grilled cheese.

Jane: How long have you had that on the stove?

Lauren: I’m no cook, but I’m going to guess it’s been longer than it should be. I need to go check on it before I burn Frances’ kitchen down.

Jane: Don’t be silly, her kitchen is in Burbank!

Lauren: She’s got two, actually.

Jane: Then don’t be too worried about burning this one down!

One hour later…

Frances: Did no one check to see if we had the ingredients for the show today? We’re doing an Italian episode featuring fettuccine Alfredo as the main course and we don’t have heavy cream! How do you make Alfredo sauce without heavy cream?

Beverly: Hey, on the plus side, I just remembered what Jane does for her job.

Marcia: This feels like something far too important to put her in charge of.

Frances: And yet, one day without her and it’s already showing.

Marcia: She should have told us we were out to begin with, this is clearly her fault.

Beverly: Come on, you don’t believe that. You just refuse to recognize that she actually serves a purpose around here besides being your punching bag.

Marcia: Hey, that’s not true. I don’t need her as a punching bad so long as I have Frances!

Frances: Remember that I got you this job and I can make you lose it!

Beverly: So what are we going to do about AlfredoGate?

Frances: Well, I’m a rich and beloved celebrity. Bev, you need to be here for production decisions. Marcia, you don’t serve much of a purpose on set if we can’t film. So I think it’s gotta be you.

Marcia: Do I get a say in that?

Beverly: Nope, time to run to the store!

Marcia: I’ll do it, but only because I care so much about, well, me being on TV.

Frances: So selfless. You’re practically Mother Teresa.

Marcia: So it’s heavy cream you need? That it?

Beverly: I could use some grapes, too.

Marcia: What are we making with grapes in it?

Beverly: Nothing, I just want some.

Marcia: I guess that’s as good of a reason as any.

Ten minutes later…

DeAnna: Wow, ladies, did you finally get rid of the dimwit? And I don’t see Jane, either. Dana really must have given you guys a budget cut. You aren’t even filming, which makes me think maybe they pulled the pl-

Frances: Shut up. Just shut up.

DeAnna: That was a bit uncalled for.

Frances: Uncalled for is you showing up on my set uninvited yet again. What horrible reason brings you to us this time?

DeAnna: The real reason? I went outside for a stress cigarette, as I often do -

Frances: That’s nice to hear, hopefully it means your lungs will give out soon.

DeAnna: It was deathly quiet over here and I had to investigate. I also didn’t see Jane’s car, so I naturally had to come check and make sure she hadn’t tragically wandered off into traffic or something. You may not realize this, because of your own IQ deficiencies, but she’s quite dumb. There are so many accidents she could have gotten involved in to lead to her own demise.

Frances: She’s fine, she just overslept.

DeAnna: It’s almost one and she’s still sleeping? What is she, part sloth?

Frances: She woke up earlier, it just wasn’t worth it for her to drive in for only a few hours of work.

Beverly: Frances, why are you wasting time explaining all this to this bridge troll?

Frances: We can’t film anything until Marcia gets back, I have to do something to pass the time.

Beverly: Wow, you really must be bored out of your mind if you think talking to DeAnna is a valid option for spending your time.

DeAnna: I may be a troll, but I am NOT a bridge troll. I’m one of those fun, harmless little troll dolls. Everyone loves me and thinks I’m adorable.

Frances: I never took you for a comedian, but that one was good. Someone loving you? Can you imagine?

DeAnna: How does Marshall’s disappearance tie into all this?

Frances: She went to the store to get heavy cream for Alfredo sauce. Duh.

DeAnna: Don’t you have any low-level interns to do that? Or is that what you consider Marcia to be?

Frances: Why are you still here?

DeAnna: You’re the one who keeps talking my ear off.

Beverly: All right, you two are too much for me to deal with alone. I’m going to… well, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Something in my office, where I don’t have to hear you.

Frances: Please don’t leave me alone with her, she is so annoying! And she smells like a chimney!

Beverly: We can go play tic-tac-toe in my office if you’d like.

DeAnna: So I’m being excluded?

Beverly: I can call Dana and tell her you’re not being productive, if you’d like.

DeAnna: Okay, I’ll be going then. Good luck with your heavy cream adventure.

Frances: And good luck to you with your show today. I’ve tasted your cooking, I know you need all the luck you can get.

Beverly: Oh my god, I just realized we don’t have any fresh lettuce. I gotta call Marcia!

DeAnna: You guys are not on your game today. Do you even have butter?

Beverly: I don’t know, do we?

Frances: Yeah, that we have.

DeAnna: Are you really off this much because the dingbat isn’t here? Do you put her in charge of checking supplies or something?

Beverly: What? Why would we do that? No!

DeAnna: Oh my god, you do! Idiots!

Frances: Hey! She’s missing one day and we’ve run out of two key ingredients. She may be the glue that keeps us together.

DeAnna: I guess you make a point. You guys are even dumber than I previously believed.

Meanwhile, Jane and Lauren are at an amusement park.

Jane: This is so much fun! I’m glad we did this!

Lauren: We just walked into the park, we haven’t gone on a single ride.

Jane: I know, but the little spinny thing was fun to walk through.

Lauren: Did you just come here to walk through the turnstile?

Jane: No, but that’s part of the fun. Wait, a turnstile is the skinny thing you walk through, right?

Lauren: Yeah.

Jane: I wasn’t good in English, I don’t know big words.

Lauren: I am well aware.

Jane: Oh my god.

Lauren: What is it?

Jane: Is that Louise over there?

Lauren: Louise… like my mother?

Jane: What other Louise do you know, silly?

Lauren: Well, I know my mother is certainl-

Jane: Louise! Louise! That you?

Lauren: I’m sorry, ma’am, don’t mind her. She’s a simpleton.

Louise: Oh, come on, she ain’t that bad!

Lauren: Mom! What are you doing at Six Flags?

Louise: Well, Frances never takes us, so I had to take a bit of initiative myself.

Lauren: You’re supposed to be at work.

Jane: I’m so confused.

Louise: When aren’t you, sweetheart?

Lauren: Why aren’t you at work?

Louise: I am at work!

Jane: You own Six Flags?

Louise: You think I would have lived in Frances’ guest house until last October if I owned Six Flags?

Lauren: Did you leave work early for this? You barely even like rides. 

Louise: It’s employee appreciation day at my work. I didn’t want to tell you or your father because I know neither of your jobs appreciate you like mine does. In fact, what are the two of you doing here?

Lauren: I work the night shift this week.

Jane: And I overslept, os Beverly told me not to come in.

Louise: Ah, lucky her.

Lauren: I fear your answer, but do you want to spend the day at the park together?

Louise: Yeah, why not? You guys are definitely more fun than Karen from Accounting and Heidi from HR.

Lauren: Heidi? Very elegant name for an HR lady.

Louise: We’re a sophisticated company.

Jane: Can we go do the tilt-a-whirl now?

Louise: That thing makes me feel ill.

Jane: That’s the fun of it!

Louise: I’ve just now remembered why I don’t go to amusement parks.

Jane: Oh, come on, don’t be so negative! You know this is a blast! All the walking, the nausea, the long lines. I can’t think of anything better.

Louise: I got in here for free, and I still somehow want my money back.

The next day…

Beverly: She has returned!

Frances: Oh, thank god!

Jane: Is there someone standing behind me or something?

Beverly: Don’t be silly! Jane, we missed you!

Jane: I was only gone one day, and I would have come in if you wanted me to.

Frances: I don’t know how we even got through that one day.

Marcia: Let me tell you, kid, I didn’t give you nearly enough credit. I had to go to the store four times to get supplies that these bozos hadn’t realized were missing until we were already filming. We didn’t finish until after six!

Jane: Are you guys actually complementing me? Me?

Marcia: I know, I’m as shocked as you are, but you are really a valuable member of this team.

Beverly: Hopefully you had a better day yesterday that we did.

Jane: Oh, I did! Lauren and I went to Six Flags and say Louise there! We had a great day, until Louise threw up on one of the roller coasters. At least she got a fun t-shirt out of the deal. Ah, crap, I wasn’t supposed to say anything about that. They didn’t want Frances to get jealous.

Frances: You mean to tell me Lauren and Louise went to Six Flags and didn’t tell me?

I would never, aside from that one time that I tried to.

Jane: If it helps any, I tried to ask you to go, because I didn’t realize you were working. You weren’t home, though.

Frances: You don’t say.

Marcia: Man, she really is an idiot.

Beverly: Some things never change.

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!

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