Marietta is sitting in her office.
Henrietta: You have a visitor.
Marietta: Oh, god. That’s never good.
Henrietta: This one’s pretty good.
Marietta: Someone good is visiting me at nine in the morning? Forgive me, but I’m not sure I buy that.
Henrietta: Just trust me.
Kyle: Mom! How are you?
Marietta: Wow, Henrietta was right!
Kyle: Right about what?
Marietta: She said that I had a good visitor here to see me. You see, most of the time, I get visited by very annoying people, especially when it’s early in the morning.
Kyle: Anything annoys you when you’re groggy.
Marietta: Not my boy!
Kyle: I’m glad to hear that, although you may change your mind on that when I ask you this.
Marietta: There are very few things you could ask me that would actively upset me more than what most of the doofuses that come through that door ask me without a second thought.
Kyle: Maria and I wanted to know if you’d be able to watch Katharine while we went out of town next weekend.
Marietta: You think I’d find that annoying? I love spending time with my granddaughter. Unfortunately -
Kyle: Do you have a work thing? There’s always a work thing.
Marietta: No, I have tickets to go to a concert. Amy told me I need to “loosen up” and “enjoy myself” if I want to get through this campaign, which is both very bossy and very correct. I can watch her after the concert, though. Maybe your grandparents could watch her on Saturday?
Kyle: I’m sure grandma would love that, she’s always saying she wants to see Katharine. Do you think she’s up for it, though?
Marietta: She’s far more active than I am, she’ll be fine. What about Christine, though? You forget about her?
Kyle: She’s coming with. It’s a lot easier to ask someone to care for a toddler than an infant. Plus, Maria’s aunt has never met her and she’s like to.
Marietta: I could’ve handled Christine, I’m not afraid of a screaming baby. Not after what you put me through when you were a baby.
Kyle: You just said you had a concert to go to. Were you going to take Christine with?
Marietta: I took you to a Rolling Stones concert at that age.
Kyle: This is why Christine is going with us to Virginia.
Marietta: Oh, so this is a trip to Virginia?
Kyle: Is there something wrong with that?
Marietta: No, I’m just glad I was able to convince you not to move there.
Kyle: So, you’re going to watch Katharine on Sunday? Will you be picking her up at grandma’s on Saturday night or on Sunday morning?
Marietta: Sunday morning.
Kyle: I’ll let grandma know that.
Marietta: I’m sure she’ll give me hell for encroaching on her time with Katharine. She’s the substitute, though, not me.
Kyle: Yes, mom. You were the top choice, never forget that. Now, I think I need to go talk to grandma.
Marietta: You sure you have to leave already? You want to rush off to see a nut and leave me with in the company of a bunch of other nuts?
Tammy: Hey! I heard that!
Kyle: I think you can handle them.
Marietta: I’ll see you son, okay?
Kyle: Of course. If you have any of those terrible meetings you were telling me about earlier, good luck with them.
Marietta: Thank you, I’ll need it.
Later that morning…
Patty Lynn: Kyle! What brings you around here so early? Do you want some coffee?
Kathleen: Your grandmother made enough coffee this morning to hydrate a small army.
Martin: You know, caffeinated coffee is not hydrating and can actually have adv-
Kathleen: It was a joke, Martin. Are you also going to dissect whether there is genuinely enough coffee in the pot to supply to the entire cast of Saving Private Ryan?
Patty Lynn: I’m sorry for their foolishness, it’s not usually like this. Well, they usually don’t start this early, at least.
Kathleen: That, and you’re usually the one annoying me.
Patty Lynn: You live in my house. Remember?
Kathleen: Martin would never throw me out.
Martin: You wanna bet?
Patty Lynn: So, darling, what brings you here today? Hopefully you weren’t seeking a peaceful, sane refuge.
Kyle: No, this is definitely not where I’d come for that.
Kathleen: Boom, roasted!
Martin: I’m sorry, we got The Office on DVD for Christmas. She’s been quoting it recently.
Kyle: Well, that’s fine. I’ve been in this family a long time, I know to expect quirky behavior. Speaking of family, I have to ask if you could watch Katharine for Maria and me next weekend.
Patty Lynn: Of course we will! Where are you two going? Some romantic getaway?
Kyle: Virginia, to visit her aunt.
Patty Lynn: That aunt?
Kyle: What aunt do you think I’m talking about?
Patty Lynn: The one who tried to convince you to move to Virginia and abandon us.
Kyle: Well, that… is not what happened. It is that aunt, though.
Patty Lynn: Give her a piece of my mind.
Kyle: I think I’ll have to pass on that.
Patty Lynn: Just come back to us, okay?
Kyle: We are certainly planning it. Barring any tragedy or weather delays, we’ll be back Monday morning.
Patty Lynn: Okay, then you have fun and enjoy your trip. We’ll take excellent care of Katharine while you’re away.
Kyle: One more thing… we only need you to watch her on Saturday. Mom is going to pick her up on Sunday. She can’t watch her on Saturday because she’ll be at a concert.
Patty Lynn: She’s going to take away my Katharine time? Rob me of the time I get with my great grand baby?
Martin: She’s Marietta’s actual grandmother.
Kathleen: Is the time you spend with Sarah not enough grandchild time for you?
Patty Lynn: Look, Kathleen, I’m sorry we’re not all absentee grandmas.
Kathleen: You try to push my buttons, I swear.
Kyle: Maybe mom will stay here for a while when she picks her up. You guys are always together anyway.
Patty Lynn: You know, it wasn’t always like that. And you know why? She was too busy living in Virginia.
Kyle: I’m aware that my mother was a US Senator.
Patty Lynn: I cling to the ones I love because I’m afraid they’ll run away from me. They always do.
Kathleen: Impossible to understand why.
Kyle: I don’t know quite how we got on this subject, but you have no need to worry about any of us running away from you.
Patty Lynn: I’m just trying to tell you why I so desperately want this extra time with Katharine. I never know when someone’s going to get yanked away from me.
Kyle: You have all of Saturday to spend with her, and any other time besides Sunday that you want to see her. She’s not going anywhere.
Patty Lynn: Okay. We're going to make Saturday count.
Kyle: All right, you do that.
The next weekend, there is a knock at the door.
Patty Lynn: I bet that’s them! Oh, I’m so excited!
Kathleen: You act like you’ve never spent time with a toddler before.
Patty Lynn: I’m just glad I get to spend the day with her. There’s a lot I want to do with her.
Kathleen: She’s three years old. You are fully at her mercy. She’s the captain now.
Martin: I am so glad you didn’t do the Captain Phillips voice.
Kathleen: I’m with the items, Martin. I know what’s “problematic.” Not taking any chances.
Patty Lynn opens the door.
Maria: I’m so sorry we’re late!
Patty Lynn: Late? You said your plane leaves at -
Kyle: She makes us get there there hours early. I think she just likes eating at Emeril’s.
Maria: Bam!
Kyle: You should audition for SNL. A gifted impressionist.
Patty Lynn: I’m scared to ask this, but I will anyway. Where is Katharine?
Maria: Picking weeds. She gets distracted by the flowery ones.
Patty Lynn: Better get her in here, I can’t hardly wait.
Kathleen (singing): Anticipation! Is makin’ me late, is keepin’ me waitin’!
Patty Lynn: Was the singing necessary?
Kathleen: Yes.
Katharine: Gamma! Gampa!
Patty Lynn: Is that really what she’s going to call us? Did the Republicans really need to steal grandma and grandpa from us?
Maria: If you mean my parents, no, they are nana and pop-pop. She just can’t pronounce “grandma” and “grandpa” perfectly yet. You’ll get there! Kids are dumb, man.
Kathleen: You don’t seem your chipper self this morning, Maria!
Maria: I had two hours of sleep last night. This is far more exhausting than anyone ever warned me it was.
Kathleen: What, marrying into this family?
Maria: No, I was warned sufficiently about that. Having children, on the other hand…
Martin: Don’t worry, we’re going to take one of your children off your hands for one weekend. That will solve everything.
Maria: Good luck with her, and thanks for this.
Patty Lynn: Any time!
Katharine: Bluey! Bluey!
Patty Lynn: Yes, I am a Democrat, what’s it to you?
Katharine: Bluey!
Patty Lynn: Kids, why does she keep saying that word?
Kyle: It’s a cartoon on Disney+ about a blue dog, she’s obsessed with it.
Patty Lynn: Disney+?
Kyle: It’s a streaming service.
Maria: Call Sarah up and ask her to help you with it if she doesn’t let up. But she probably will. We’re running later, see you all later.
Patty Lynn: Have fun! Come back soon! You aren’t allowed to stay.
Kyle: We know. Bye, guys.
Patty Lynn closes the door as Kyle and Maria leave.
Patty Lynn: All right, kiddo! You want to play a game?
Katharine: Bluey!
Kathleen: I think she wants Bluey. Just a hunch.
Patty Lynn: I don’t know what Bluey is!
Kathleen: A cartoon on Disney+. Don’t you listen?
Martin: What if we watch Star Wars? Kids love Star Wars.
Kathleen: You just want to watch it because you think Princess Leia is hot.
Martin: Not true! Yoda is the real sex symbol in that film.
Patty Lynn: We’re playing a game!
Kathleen: Okay. What game? She doesn’t look like she’d be any good at Clue if you ask me.
Patty Lynn: I bought a fun one for today. Don’t Break the Ice.
Kathleen: That doesn’t sound like it has Bluey in it.
Patty Lynn: Why does everyone keep talking about Bluey? No one talk about it anymore, we are done with it. Bluey is dead!
Katharine: You killed Bluey?
Katharine starts crying.
Patty Lynn: Oh god, I’m sorry! Bluey is fine!
Kathleen: Nice going, you just killed what I can only assume is this generation’s version of Barney.
Martin: In that case, she did the world a favor. That big purple dinosaur was evil.
Patty Lynn: Okay, kiddo, how about a deal? We’ll play this game while grandpa MArtin sets things up so you can watch Bluey?
Katharine: What game?
Patty Lynn: See this? Doesn’t this look fun?
Kathleen: No?
Patty Lynn: Was I talking to you?
Kathleen: Last I checked, this was still America.
Katharine: Let’s play!
Patty Lynn: See? She wants to play. She’s excited. She loves me. She’s going to want to come back every week.
Kathleen: You are getting ahead of yourself, slow down.
Patty Lynn: I am proceeding at the proper pace.
Martin: How am I going to get Bluey on? I don’t know what Disney+ is.
Patty Lynn: I’m sure Sarah isn’t busy.
Martin: Just what a teenager wants to do on a Saturday, go to grandma and grandpa’s house on a Saturday to set up Disney+.
Patty Lynn: There are worse ways to spend a Saturday.
Thirty minutes later…
Katharine: Bluey! Bluey! I want Bluey!
Kathleen: I forgot how annoying small children were.
Patty Lynn: Is this why you live nowhere near any of your children?
Kathleen: It is a contributing factor.
Martin: Katie, I am trying my best.
Sarah: It would help if we knew where the remote was.
Patty Lynn: Just find it! I’d give a kidney just for you to find it so I can put that damn blue dog show on.
Milton: Blue dog show? They made a show about rural Democrats that sabotage every key piece of legislation?
Kathleen: Hey, rural Democrats are cool. We aren’t all pains in the ass.
Milton: I do need them to win elections, you all do serve a purpose.
Sarah: Less arguing about nonsense, more helping us search. Please! Katharine’s screeching is making me want to jump off a bridge.
Katharine: Where is Bluey?
Patty Lynn: What can I put on to distract this child?
Sarah: What if, hear me out… give her some bourbon.
Kathleen: We’re the ones who need the bourbon!
Sarah: Just give her enough to knock her out.
Patty Lynn: I’m going to ask something I never thought I’d ask my grandchildren, but it must be said.
Sarah: This should be good.
Patty Lynn: Do not have children.
Kathleen: I think knocking her out cold is a great idea. Maybe she’ll dream about Blobby -
Patty Lynn: Bluey!
Kathleen: and think we let her watch it.
Martin: The remote! It was in Kathleen’s robe pocket.
Kathleen: I’ve been framed.
Patty Lynn: We are so close to Bluey!
The next morning, Martin answers the door.
Marietta: Dad! Good morning!
Martin: Shh! They’re sleeping.
Marietta: They? It’s nine in the morning.
Martin: Long day yesterday. They ended up falling asleep on the couch together around midnight. They're sort of inseparable now, Kathleen and I started calling the duo "Kate Lynn."
Marietta: So did you have fun?
Martin: Well, it started with a minor meltdown because she couldn’t see Bluey.
Marietta: Mom or Katharine?
Martin: Katharine, but it is smart of you to ask for clarification.
Marietta: How long did that last?
Martin: Took like an hour to find the remote and set it up, she was distracted for about half that playing some game. Things did turn around once she saw Bluey, though. Then, we had Olivia Rodrigo karaoke -
Marietta: I hope you used the censored version.
Martin: We did not.
Marietta: Did you at least skip Good 4 U?
Martin: Of course not, that is a bop, as Sarah would say.
Marietta: So what came after teaching my granddaughter fun new swears?
Martin: There was another game, then a little more Bluey while we made dinner, then she. got tired of Bluey -
Marietta: Blasphemy!
Martin: Then it was time for what felt like ten, but was probably only three, hours of Encanto. Then they had a princess fashion show and a tea party. It was a good day.
Marietta: By any chance, did they fall asleep in their dress up outfits?
Martin: I think your mother is still wearing a feather boa. It’s a strangulation hazard.
Marietta: I’m glad they had fun, I know she was excited.
Martin: Did you have fun at your concert?
Marietta: Yes. I have a headache now, though.
Martin: Too much to drink?
Marietta: No, too much headbanging.
Martin: Who did you go see?
Marietta: Barry Manilow.
Martin: Fitting that your mom looks like she works at the Copa. I guess I should wake them up.
Marietta: No, let them sleep. I’ll stick around a while. We can spend the day together, I have nothing else going on.
Martin: Get ready for Bluey!
Marietta: Can hardly wait.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
