Our House Season 5 Episode 14 - Our Double Date

Our House Season 5, Episode 14

Our Double Date

Danielle walks into the house.

Danielle: Oh, Teri, you owe me one. Big time.

Teri: For what am I indebted to you over now?

Danielle: Okay, first off, incredible news: that hunky pharmacist I work with broke up with his girlfriend! She was cheating on him!

Cindy: That’s good news?

Danielle: He told me this a few days ago. Apparently it happened last month, but he was too sad to talk about it. All fine with me, I don’t like talking about feelings at work anyway.

Ralph: When does the good news start?

Danielle: Well, today, I told him about you, Teri, and I said what a lovely lady you are. Y’know, typical sugarcoating. He’s very interested in going on a date with you. I got his number for you.

Teri: Am I so pathetic and lonely that my friends have to set up dates for me now?

Betty: You’re not getting any younger, honey. Clock’s ticking on that uterus!

Teri: Why must you speak?

Ralph: It’s not Teri’s uterus to control, anyway. That’s what Cindy and Jerry say.

Cindy: So I went to the March for Life? Is there a problem with utilizing my First Amendment rights?

Ralph: No, I just think you’re an idiot.

Karl: How does it always wrap around to an argument about abortion?

Ralph: If they weren’t so obsessed with controlling people’s bodies, it wouldn't come up.

Cindy: If he wasn’t so obsessed with policing other peoples’ thoughts, it woul-

Karl: Okay, enough of that.

Danielle: Correct, enough. I wasn’t done telling Teri about her future husband.

Teri: I really don’t know if I’m ready to throw myself back out there.

Ralph: Come on, you got divorced almost a year ago!

Teri: It was an annulment! Saying I got divorced after one day makes me sound pathetic.

Ralph: You’re right, it’s not embarrassing at all to say you got married by accident.

Tammi: If it’s good enough for Britney, it’s good enough for you.

Teri: At least someone married me, Ralph.

Velma: Technically, if it’s annulled, it’s never considered to have happened at all. So it’s a tie!

Teri: Don’t sound so happy about it.

Danielle: So -

Teri: Yes, if it will shut you up about it, I will call him. I could stand to get out of the house for a while, anyway.

Danielle: Woohoo! We did it! She’s wading into the dating pool again.

Betty: Just in case this works, and I have full confidence it will because I believe in you, but have you considered freezing your eggs?

Teri: Mother!

Ralph: Would that be okay with you guys, Cindy? Or does that viol-

Cindy: I’m going to punch you.

Ralph: That doesn’t sound very pro-li-

Mitchell: Wow, she’s got mean left hook. She could’ve been in the WWE.

Three days later…

Danielle: Tomorrow’s the big day! You excited? Nervous?

Teri: I don’t think I want to do this.

Danielle: No! You can’t bail on him, his self esteem is already so low after the breakup. He’s such a nice guy, give him a shot.

Teri: I don’t even remember what his name is. Did you ever even tell me?

Danielle: It’s Damon.

Teri: Damon? Okay, didn’t remember that at all.

Velma: Why don’t you want to go now?

Teri: I was sort of forced into it to begin with, you know?

Danielle: I did not force you. I strongly suggested you go on the date. There’s a difference. There’s nuance there.

Teri: I felt pressured, for sure. Now I don’t feel comfortable.

Karl: What did he do? Did he send an inappropriate sext? I don’t want to see it, but if he did, I will go beat him up.

Frank: I think that’s a job for Cindy after what we’ve learned recently.

Teri: He did nothing wrong. I just don’t feel comfortable going on a date right now. I’m not in the right headspace for it. My last breakup was tough.

Betty: Honey, can I say something, honestly?

Teri: You just want me to get pregnant because you want a grandchild not birthed by a high school student.

Tammi: You know, I’d say we worked out pretty well. Well, I did. Zeke’s a mixed bag.

Mitchell: Zeke is never around, he’s with his girlfriend. I’d say Zeke is doing the best out of all of us.

Velma: Oh, would you?

Mitchell: You bully me!

Betty: I going to say it anyway. I want you to be happy and not wallow in self pity over a relationship that failed two years ago.

Teri: Two years?

Betty: January 2021. That was -

Teri: When you put it like that, it really hits you.

Betty: Get out there and give this guy a chance. I promise you, whether it works or not, you will be grateful you got back out there.

Cindy: I’m going to throw an idea out there, okay?

Ralph: You never hesitate to any other time.

Cindy: You want another punch? My right arm is rested, tested and ready.

Ralph: I will be quiet now, but I will not be silenced forever.

Cindy: Teri, what if we do a double date? Jerry and I need to get out for a while, too, and our presence will give you a bit of familiarity that can ease you back into things.

Teri: I must be honest, I really did think that going on double dates with my sister was a thing of the past. More specifically, I thought it was a thing I’d left behind in middle school.

Frank: You mean when Cindy got knocked up?

Betty: I don’t think you have any room to talk there, so shut it up.

Teri: You know what? At the risk of making a fool of myself, I'm going to give in to familial pressure and go on this date. And, Cindy, you are coming with.

Cindy: Hear that, Jerry? We’ve been asked on a date!

Jerry: I can hardly contain my excitement.

The next night…

Teri: All right, everyone! I am ready for my date.

Mitchell: You don’t; have to announce it to the whole house. I thought you were alerting us to something major happening.

Velma: What Mitchell is trying to say is he thought you were ringing the dinner bell and he’s gutted to hear you were not.

Betty: It will be ready when it’s ready. Is that so difficult to accept?

Teri: Sounds like you guys have a great night ahead of you. I’m going to get going, see you later.

Betty: Are you forgetting something?

Ralph: Something that often thumps the Bible?

Teri: Oh, is she in the bathroom again? How tiny is her bladder?

Jerry: She drinks a lot.

Teri: Well, I would too if I were married to you, but that’s no excuse to hold up my night. She signed up for this herself.

Cindy: I’m coming, I’m coming! Sorry for the minute delay, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Teri: Eh, I’ll see. Gonna take a while.

Jerry: On that note, we need to go. Can’t keep Damon Wayans waiting any longer.

Frank: Is Teri actually going on a dat-

Betty: Idiot.

Tammi: One of these days I’ll teach you what humor is, honey.

At dinner…

Cindy: Teri, where is he?

Teri: I don’t know.

Cindy: Do you not know what he looks like?

Teri: Just from a little profile picture on Facebook.

Cindy: You’re on a date with a man who you’ve never even seen before?

Teri: I was forced to do this.

Cindy: Okay, pull uphill Facebook account.

Jerry: What is happening?

Cindy: We’re trying to find a picture of Teri’s date so we know what he looks like. Is that difficult to understand?

Jerry: I just can't believe she doesn’t know what he looks like.

Teri: It was sort of a blind date, don’t be a dick about it.

Jerry: Can’t you just shout his name out instead of standing here looking like a couple of space cadets on your phones?

Teri: I don’t want to look crazy.

Jerry: Why change now?

Cindy: I see no pictures of him on his Facebook page, just a group picture. And why is his profile picture Janelle James from Abbott Elementary? By the way way, don’t believe that show, most principals care deeply about their schools. I certainly do.

Teri: See, I told you. It’s not my fault I don’t know what the man looks like.

Jerry: Danielle never showed you a picture of him?

Teri: No.

Jerry: I’d say this is a great start to the date.

Cindy: Would we look insane if we went up to ever man sitting by himself and asked if he’s Damon?

Teri: Slightly, yeah.

Jerry: How about you text him and ask him to wave?

Teri: That’s a good idea.

Jerry: I’m full of those.

Cindy: Is that him?

Teri: Who?

Cindy: The man waving…

Teri: Oh. I guess it’s him. I don’t know.

Cindy: He’s very, uh, very pretty.

Jerry: Pretty?

Cindy: Handsome. Attractive. Hot. Those work better?

Teri: They are all accurate.

Cindy: How about we head over there? See it up close.

Teri: On my way!

Man: Teri? That you?

Teri: I’m assuming you’re Damon?

Man: Yeah, that’d be me. Very nice to meet you.

Teri: I’ve heard a lot about you from Danielle. Never saw a picture of you, though.

Damon: Who are these folks with you?

Teri: Oh, I’m being rude! This is my sister Cindy and her husband, Jerry. They’re the couple mentioned might do a double date with us.

Damon: Ah, okay. Nice to meet you both.

Cindy: The pleasure is ours. No one’s taken her out in years.

Jerry: Years!

Teri: Instantly regretting this.

Cindy: I think we’re embarrassing her.

Jerry: Okay, we’ll move on from her failed relationships. Damon, whaddaya do for a living?

Damon: I’m a pharmacist.

Jerry: Oh, right. I forgot you work with Danielle. I’m retired US Army.

Damon: Once an Army man, always an Army man.

Jerry: That’s the Marines, but I get what you were going for.

Cindy: I’m a school principal. I shape the minds of our youth.

Jerry: Technically you're just the boss of the people who do that.

Cindy: People often say that it’s the principal who is the real heart of a school.

Damon: My aunt used to be a teacher, I have such respect for anyone who dedicates their time to providing children with an education.

Teri: Not that I seem to be allowed to share, but I work in retail. I’m an assistant to the manager.

Jerry: Like Dwight Schrute.

Teri: No, not like Dwight Schrute. I’m good at my job.

Jerry: If you insist.

Cindy: What kind of music do you like?

Teri: Sounds like you’re interrogating him.

Cindy: I just want to get to know him!

Jerry: Oh look, the waitress is here! You go first, Damon.

Thirty minutes later…

Teri: Damon, do you like to travel?

Jerry: You look like a traveling man. Ever been to Jamaica?

Cindy: I love Jamaica. It’s probably my favorite place to go on vacation. Plus, it gave us Bob Marley.

Jerry (singing, off-key): No woman, no cry

Teri: Okay, Damon. The three of us have to step away, we’ll be right back.

Cindy: Do we?

Teri: Yes.

Teri, Cindy and Jerry walk out to the lobby.

Jerry: I thought everything was going well. Don’t you like him?

Cindy: We’ll run back in and tell him you’re not feeling well and need to go home to rest if you’re not feeling this.

Teri: I don’t know how I could possibly decide one way or another, no one’s letting me speak. I feel like I tagged along on a date with a throuple.

Jerry: A throuple?

Cindy: A new communist term, ignore it.

Teri: This doesnt’ feel like my date because you two won’t shut up! Let me talk to him for a change, please.

Cindy: I didn’t mean to ruin your date. I’m just trying to lighten the mood, get you comfortable.

Teri: I appreciate your eagerness to keep the conversation flowing, I just don’t want it to flow right past me.

Cindy: We will dial back our discussions. Right, Jerry?

Jerry: I guess. He seems like a cool guy, though, I’ve been enjoying the discussion very much.

Teri: Maybe I can set the two of you up on a date, in that case.

Jerry: No, that won’t be necessary. I have enough friends.

Teri: Do you?

Back at the table…

Teri: Okay, we’re ba-

Jerry: Dude… you okay?

Damon: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to cry.

Teri: Crying is the sign of an emotionally healthy person.

Damon: You all seem lovely, although some of you are more talkative than others.

Teri: Not my fault.

Damon: I just think I’ve jumped into this too soon. I was in a relationship for three years, we just split three weeks ago. I need time to work on myself and figure out what went wrong in my relationship.

Teri: Oh… that’s perfectly understandable. I broke up with my ex two years ago and barely was able to go on this date.

Damon: I’m glad you understand. I feel like I’m cheating on her, even though she dumped me. Even worse, I feel like I’m cheating on her with three people.

Jerry: Just to be clear, I’m not dating you.

Cindy: Does this mean no dessert?

Later that night…

Danielle: How did it go? I need all the details!

Betty: When’s the baby due?

Ralph: Mom? Really?

Betty: I’m just asking a question!

Ralph: A gross question.

Teri: It was a disaster. Firstly, Cindy and Jerry wouldn’t shut the hell up.

Tammi: What? Mom?

Cindy: I’m a people person, what can I say?

Teri: So that was the first half-hour. Then he started crying -

Ralph: Oof.

Teri: Yeah, oof. He wasn’t over his breakup and couldn’t continue seeing me. He felt like he was cheating on me.

Danielle: In hindsight, the breakup was very recent.

Teri: He said he was ready to propose to her.

Danielle: I saw the ring, too. She was a fool for not sticking around long enough to get that.

Karl: Well, honey, not every date is going to go well. It’s not on you.

Teri: I know. Weirdly enough, this was just what I needed to realize I really do have to get back out there. From now on, though, I will be going solo on these dates

Cindy: Aww. I enjoyed jumping back into the dating world.

Steven: Ew, I don’t want to think about you on a date.

Cindy: I was very good at dating back in the day.

Ralph: In high school, that is.

Teri: We could all tell tonight, Cindy.

Danielle: Let’s not lose the plot here. I fixed Teri. You’re welcome. Betty, you’re going to get that grandkid because of me.

Teri: Danielle, the date you set up for me went so disastrously, anyone normal would write off dating forever. You’re just lucky I’m nowhere near “normal.”

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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