Our House Season 5 Episode 13 - Our Oldies Dance

Our House Season 5, Episode 13

Our Oldies Dance

Betty is on her phone behind the counter at the shop.

Mitchell: Betty, can we get a price check up here?

Jerry: Betty!

Mitchell: Are we getting the silent treatment?

Jerry: No, I think she’s just deaf.

Karl: Honey!

Betty: What? Is something wrong?

Jerry: So she is still with us! I was beginning to doubt.

Mitchell: I need a price check for our valued customer.

Betty: It’s ten ninety-nine.

Mitchell: How do you know?

Betty: Because eight other people have also asked for price checks on the same item because the person who unboxed them forgot to put price tags on them.

Mitchell: Oh.

Jerry: What idiot did that?

Mitchell: I think I may know.

Jerry: Well, I was right. It was certainly done by an idiot.

Betty: Hey, Karl, can you come over here?

Karl: Uh, sure. I think Mitchell can handle our one customer on his own.

Jerry: You sure?

Karl: I have faith.

Betty: Okay, look at this. Doesn’t it look fun?

Karl: It looks… interesting. Are you asking me if I want to go.

Betty: I’m telling you I do.

Karl: Well, then I suppose we’ll be going.

Jerry: Going to what?

Betty: The restaurant Ralph used to work at is hosting an “oldies dance” next weekend.

Jerry: Ralph used to work at a restaurant of a retirement home? Don’t recall that.

Betty: It’s not a dance for “oldies.” Otherwise, I wouldn’t be eligible.

Jerry: No comment.

Betty: They just play music from the 50s and the 60s. We went to one years back before Ralph went on medical leave.

Jerry: Is that the place Ralph often talks about hating with a burning passion?

Betty: That’s the place!

Jerry: Not to sound like some bleeding heart, but, uh, how’s it going to make Ralph feel if you go to this?

Betty: So he had a miserable time working there, I had a miserable time when he fired me at a job once and I haven’t held a grudge. He didn’t even get fired or anything from this job. He’ll make do.

Jerry: All right, well in that case, I… still don’t want to go because I hate dancing. But you have fun!

Karl: Hey, Mitchell, where’d that customer go?

Mitchell: She said she had to “think about it.”

Jerry: I warned you!

Karl: I guess I overestimated him. Won’t do it again.

Mitchell: Aww, man.

Later that night, at home…

Cindy: So, how was everyone’s day?

Mitchell: I got in trouble today.

Velma: I’m sure it was earned.

Mitchell: I messed up a sale.

Velma: How’d you do that?

Mitchell: It was Betty’s fault, I was distracted.

Betty: You really want to blame your boss?

Velma: He’s trying to get fired, don’t give him what he wants.

Mitchell: Why would I want to get fired from my dream job?

Velma: Your dream job is unemployed!

Mitchell: You tell lies about me.

Teri: So you enjoy working?

Mitchell: With my family? Of course I do!

Teri: Bullshi-

Betty: I had a wonderful and thrilling day. I found out Fulton’s is bringing back its oldies dances, and I can’t wait to go. I can’t even tell you the last time I went to a dance!

Ralph: Fulton’s? Why would you want to go to that hellhole?

Betty: It is not a hellhole!

Ralph: I worked there for ten years. Yes, it is a hellhole.

Betty: How do you figure that?

Ralph: Well, it’s run down, for starters. That kitchen was barely passing inspection. And I think it only passed because the owner was paying the inspector off.

Betty: That doesn’t have any impact on the dance floor or the entertainment. That’s what I care about.

Ralph: I can’t knock the dance floor. It’s pretty standard-issue. Knowing the restaurant, though, there are probably a few loose floorboards.

Betty: So, with Ralph clearly endorsing it, I have to ask who else wants to go.

Cindy: Isn’t that the dance I went to and got so drunk I couldn’t stand by the end of the night?

Jerry: That happens almost any time we leave the house.

Cindy: That’s not even funny.

Jerry: No, it’s not, it’s a pretty unfortunate truth.

Cindy: Why are you saying this about me?

Tammi: Mom, you are known to have a few too many when we go to restaurants.

Teri: It’s true, you’re a drunk. But the most manageable kind, a social drunk. We can work with that!

Betty: So, will you be coming with, Cindy?

Cindy: I just got told I’m a drunk, a social drunk. I think maybe this isn’t the best idea for me.

Betty: We’ll just keep you away from the White Russians!

Teri: That’s the best part of going, no?

Betty: So you’ll be going?

Teri: God, no. I can have a White Russian at home, without all the added annoyance.

Betty: Annoyance? We always had so much fun!

Teri: You did. The rest of us, well, we sort of just got drunk to mask how lame we found it to be.

Betty: Is this true?

Karl: Don’t ignore her, you know she’s going to keep badgering you about this one.

Tammi: Okay, I have to admit, it’s not my ideal form of fun. It’s not terrible, but it’s sort of cheesy and outdated. It’s all very…

Steven: Boomer?

Tammi: Yeah, exactly.

Betty: I think you will find that us boomers you like to mock have a lot to offer. We can let loose like nobody’s business. We did Woodstock!

Teri: Yeah, that’s the problem. The oldies dance at Fulton’s feels like Woodstock on downers. It’s all the era-appropriate music from Woodstock, but everyone there looks like they’re afraid they’ll break a hip. It’s not very fun.

Betty: You’re the ones who are no fun. I did not raise you all to judge things without a chance. The joy in it is having fun with the people you love, dancing and partying.

Teri: We went years ago. It was horrible.

Steven: This sounds like a dance that my school had a few years ago. Ours was 60s themed and it was also not any fun, because the teachers yelled at you if you danced too close.

Tammi: They were just dogging their jobs, thank god for them for actually caring about preventing teen pregnancy.

Teri: Is that an angle we want to be taking? In this family?

Tammi: What is that-?

Teri: You know what I mean.

Betty: So no one else wants to go to the dance?

Danielle: I will go! I’m also a boomer, and I need too get out of this house.

Teri: Because you’re so happy here that it hurts?

Danielle: Yeah, we’ll go with that.

Velma: I will also go.

Danielle: Of course. Copycat.

Velma: I just want to get some time away from Mitchell. We all know he won’t go to an event in which the main goal is performing a physical activity.

Mitchell: Just for that, I’m gonna go.

Velma: Yeah, I’ll see you there, I’m sure.

Mitchell: You will.

Betty: So Danielle’s going, and Velma and Mitchell are going apparently out of pure spite. Anyone else?

Teri: Mom, just feel grateful you were able to bamboozle three people into going.

Frank: I have to be h-

Betty: You can’t come.

Frank: I was just going to say that I don’t recall ever going.

Betty: And you won’t ever go. I’m happy with this group I’ve cobbled together, all of the rest of you can miss out on the fun. It’s your choice.

Cindy: Well, then, does anyone else have any stories to share? Mom’s ranting about the oldies dance took up the entirety of dinner, but you can feel free to chat while we clean up.

The next weekend…

Betty: We’re about to go to the dance!

Cindy: You have fun! Try not to drink too much!

Danielle: You’re not coming with, we shouldn’t have a problem with that.

Cindy: Look at Danielle talking smack. Don’t see that every day.

Danielle: Just a bit of light-hearted ribbing.

Betty: This is everyone’s last call!

Teri: Mom, just go. No one else is changing their mind.

Betty: All right, we’re going!

Danielle: Isn’t Mit-

Velma: Don’t ask.

Danielle: Damn! I owe you five bucks.

Velma: I told you not to doubt how well I knew my own husband.

Danielle: I didn’t think he would even make up an excuse not to come to something fun.

Teri: He sure didn’t do that today. This was like getting out of jury duty.

Velma: Don’t make excuses for him.

Karl: The car is running, girls.

Velma: I think we’re all ready to go.

Betty: One las-

Teri: Go!

Betty: Going!

One hour later…

Betty: This is not an oldies dance!

Velma: How do you figure? We’re old, and we’ve been dancing.

Betty: They are playing music from the ‘90s and the 2000s. This is not “old,” music, this is the music I yelled at my grandchildren for listening to when I wanted to hear Elvis!

Danielle: I’m pretty sure I heard them play a song by Olivia Rodrigo. I don’t think she's legally old enough to attend this dance.

Velma: She is, if accompanied by a parent or legal guardian.

Danielle: Fair enough, she’s an oldie then.

Velma: Look at that, Betty! She Bop, that’s from the ‘80s!

Betty: Madonna’s not much of an oldie, either.

Velma: This is by Cyndi Lauper.

Betty: Oh, what’s the difference? Either way, this dance is nothing like it used to be!

Velma: I feel like I heard you say that this dance is about spending time with your family and having fun dancing and not about what music is playing or what era it’s celebrating.

Betty: Stop using my words against me. I’m getting a drink.

Danielle: Uh-oh. It’s starting!

Betty: What is starting?

Danielle: Your anger drinking.

Betty: I don’t anger drink.

Karl: Just when you don’t get your way.

Betty: I don’t need all of you to try to make my night even worse, I’m going to the bar.

Velma: Okay, but then you better get that butt back here and get it moving back to the dance floor!

Danielle: Yeah, I’m going to put in a request with the DJ for I Want It That Way, you won’t want to miss me dancing to it!

Velma: I think she will want to.

Ten minutes later, at the bar…

Anita: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!

Betty: Like this can’t get any worse…

Anita: Since when do you come here?

Betty: I think I have the right to go to a dance if I want to, no?

Anita: You have the right, but that doesn't mean I want to see you.

Betty: Look, tonight’s not going as I was hoping, I don’t need your smug, sanctimonious self here to make me feel even worse.

Anita: Why, what’s wrong with you? Someone pour water on you and you started to melt?

Betty: This is not an oldies dance. This is a ‘90s dive bar.

Anita: Isn’t it wonderful? These dances used to be so outdated, that’s why I told the owner, Betsy, who is a friend of mine, that she needed to make sure it was updated when she decided to bring it back.

Betty: They’re playing music that was first released only a few years ago at an “oldies” dance!

Anita: Have you seen how quickly the music industry chews artists up and spits them back out? Music from a few years ago is old.

Betty: I should’ve known this was your doing. You even manage to ruin everything outside of the neighborhood, that’s a gift.

Meanwhile, back at the table, Velma gets a phone call.

Velma: Hello?

Teri: We would like to know -

Velma: How it’s going? Terrible. Betty’s having a meltdown because the music is too current.

Teri: Sounds fun to me! No, we want to know where you left the remote. We can’t find it anywhere.

Velma: You called for that?

Karl: What does she want?

Velma: The remote’s been misplaced. Anyone know where it is?

Danielle: Let me talk to Cindy.

Velma: It’s Teri on the phone.

Danielle: Yeah, tell me to give Cindy the phone.

Velma: Okay, sure. I don’t know where the remote is, so not like I was going to be any help there, anyway. Teri, put Cindy on.

Teri: Teri, put Cindy on please.

Velma: Sure.

Teri: Here she is.

Cindy: What’s going on?

Danielle: Is there any way you could come here to the dance? Betty is very upset -

Cindy: No, god no! Mom’s in a mood and you want me to come down there and experience it firsthand?

Danielle: The dance is not going as planned, I feel if some of her actual family would show up, things may turn around.

Cindy: How is it not going as “planned”? She didn’t even plan it.

Danielle: So, it was supposed to be old music. She was excited to hear old music, because apparently she doesn’t know how to operate Spotify. Imagine her horror when she finds out that they’ve revised their definite of “oldies” music to music from the ‘90s and 2000s. It has ruined her night.

Cindy: How about you bring her home and we have Teri teach her what Spotify is?

Danielle: Come on, jus-

Betty: I should know you into tomorrow!

Anita: And I should have you kicked out of here!

Betty: I’d like to see you try.

Anita: Remember, you asked for this.

Cindy: What is that commotion I hear in the background?

Danielle: Unfortunately, not the Locomotion. Otherwise, none of this would be happening.

Cindy: What is my mother doing?

Danielle: Anita is here apparently. Draw your conclusions from that.

Cindy: This is so embarrassing, and I’m not even there.

Betty: Can you believe this?

Karl: Honey, how much have you had to drink in the past ten minutes?

Betty: One drink!

Karl: That’s all it takes to start a bar fight now?

Betty: I didn’t hit her, I threatened her.

Karl: That’s not a great defense.

Betty: Never said it was.

Velma: Who are those men walking towards us?

Betty: Ignore them, they’ll go away.

Velma: You sure?

Betty: Maybe let’s ahead out to the dance floor.

Thirty minutes later…

Betty: Thrown out for “causing a scene,” are you kidding me? It’s a bar! Who doesn’t yell at a bar?

Danielle: I can’t believe I had to leave before I heard my Backstreet Boys song.

Velma: I didn’t realize you were such a Backstreet Boys fan.

Danielle: Just ask Teri! I’m always glad when Backstreet’s back!

Betty: Those very scary security guards don’t realize that they did me a favor. I got to escape that horrible music they were playing without the guilt of leaving myself and knowing I chose to waste the money we spent on a ticket.

Karl: So you’d say getting kicked out of a restaurant was a success?

Betty: In a way.

Karl: Dear god…

Betty walks into the front door.

Betty: Is that Elvis I hear playing?

Jerry: Thank you, thank you very much.

Cindy: We heard your dance didn’t go the way you wanted, so we threw this together.

Steven: Alysa told me what happened with her mom. Apparently Anita was texting her like crazy, it sounds hilarious.

Karl: It wasn’t.

Teri: I just want you all to know, I have nothing to do with this. I still hate dancing and hate all of this ‘50s and ‘60s boomer nonsense.

Cindy: She’s the one who thought of it.

Betty: This is much nicer than that nonsense back at Fulton’s, thank you. Best of all, no Anita. No offense, Alysa.

Alysa: None taken. She’s very annoying.

Betty: So who wants the first dance?

Ralph: Well, clearly Teri.

Teri: Leave me out of this. I did my part.

Betty: Ah, always so chipper. She knows how to make a moment special.

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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