Betty swings open the front door and runs into the house.
Teri: Wow, I haven’t seen mom run like that in ages!
Ralph: Is she getting chased by someone?
Steven: I hope it’s Michael Myers.
Danielle: Don’t you even joke about that!
Steven: He isn’t real, Danielle.
Danielle: They just caught that murderer from the news an hour away from us. He went to the same college one of my nephews goes to.
Tammi: I think the key detail there is that he was caught.
Danielle: What if he’s part of a cult? The new Manson Family may have just gotten started, and they could be based right here in Central Virginia.
Teri: You all make me want to drink.
Betty: For all of you wondering, I saw on the USPS Informed Delivery that we were getting a letter today from the Virginia Family Challenge!
Frank: Isn’t that the public-access game show you watch when nothing else is on?
Betty: No! It’s not public-access, it’s on our local ABC station on Saturday and Sunday evenings. Get it straight.
Ralph: Is there a reason we’re getting mail from them? Did you win an at-home viewer prize?
Betty: I submitted us to compete.
Teri: Oh, you didn’t…
Betty: Who wants to open the envelope for me? I’m too nervous.
Jerry: Nervous for what? This isn’t Jeopardy.
Betty: Someone, just open it!
Teri: I couldn’t care less about this, I’ll open it.
Betty: That’s… not really the spirit, but it’ll do.
Teri: “Dear sir or madam”
Cindy: Very personal!
Teri: “We are writing you to inform you that your request to appear on Virginia Family Challenge, dated ‘Insert Date Here,’
Ralph: High-level operation they’ve got going on here.
Teri: “…has been approved”
Betty: Approved! We’re approved!
Teri: This is the first time we have ever been approved for anything in our entire lives. Frame that letter.
Cindy: Technically, “Sir or madam” is who really was approved.
Betty: I am the “Sir or madam” who applied, therefore I am the one who was approved. They want us specifically.
Teri: If that’s what you have to tell yourself.
Betty: They’re going to want to know who will be participating. We need a six-person team.
Mitchell: They don’t ask before they approve applicants?
Betty: It’s a very lax process.
Velma: As we can tell.
Ralph: I’m still wondering why you submitted us to begin with. You think we’d be good on a game show? We’d just embarrass ourselves.
Betty: We are three-time Fall Run winners. Doing well on this show isn’t as crazy as you guys make it sound.
Jerry: Four-time Fall Run winners.
Betty: A tie is not a win, especially when it is a tie with Anita DeFleur.
Teri: You mean Steven’s future mother-in-law?
Tammi: Don’t even put the idea in his head. He hasn’t even passed his driver’s test yet.
Steven: Soon!
Tammi: Why are you reminding me of that?
Steven: You brought it up!
Betty: So, who wants to do the show?
Ralph: You mean other than you? I don’t think anyone.
Betty: You’d be dead wrong!
Frank: Would he be?
Betty: You speak for no one!
Teri: I think, to be fair to everyone here, we should put all of our names into a hat and the first five names pulled out get the honor of playing on the show.
Betty: That is an excellent idea!
Danielle: Even though I live here, I’m not really family. I don’t think it would be fair to take a spot from any of you. Don’t write my name down.
Frank: And everyone hates me, you shouldn’t mark me down, either.
Betty: Everyone, stop being silly! You’re all going in the bowl. If you live in this house, then you are family,. much to my chagrin in Frank’s case. Though, you don’t have to put his name in the bowl, he’d lose it for us.
Danielle: I’ve never been so upset to have a family before in my entire life.
Teri: Okay, first drawing…
Mitchell: This is like the anti-Powerball drawing.
Teri: Cindy!
Cindy: We’re going to have fun, I guess. As long as mom doesn’t lose it every time someone gets a question wrong.
Teri: Up next… dad!
Karl: I think it sounds like fun.
Ralph: What a shock.
Teri: Velma!
Velma: Whatever the prize is, I better get a good cut of it.
Teri: Fourth is… Tammi!
Tammi: I like games, I don’t mind this too much. As long as it doesn’t film during work.
Betty: It films when it films.
Teri: Last up… ah, dammit.
Ralph: Haha!
Mitchell: Who is it?
Velma: Use context clues. I know you can do it!
Teri: It’s me. I get to experience the joy of this.
Jerry: Congratulations!
Teri: Is this fun for you?
Jerry: A bit.
Betty: I think this is a pretty great team!
Ralph: The greatest part is that I am not on it.
Velma: I have a question. I hope it’s not too ridiculous, but I feel it needs to be asked.
Betty: I specialize in those sorts of questions.
Velma: What do we actually do on this show?
Betty: Compete in a bunch of different challenges, as a family. Some are trivia-based, others are luck-based, it’s a bunch of fun.
Ralph: Sounds like it.
Velma: So, should we watch the show and practice for the challenges?
Betty: As fun as that would be, it won’t really be of any use. They switch up challenges in every episode, so you never know what you’ll get until you’re on the show.
Teri: All I’m hearing is that I won’t have to think about this show until it films. What a joy!
Three weeks later…
Betty: Big news!
Teri: We know that filming is today, mom. You don’t have to keep reminding us.
Cindy: “Team To Whom It May Concern” is ready to win this thing!
Velma: I thought it was “Team Or Current Resident.”
Cindy: Guess we’re still workshopping.
Betty: That’s not the news. I know you all know filming’s today, the excitement in the room is palpable.
Tammi: What is the news, then?
Betty: The original host of Virginia Family Challenge, Mark Bayford, has been arrested for tax evasion!
Danielle: You sound excited. Any reason for that?
Teri: Turns out, she wanted to do this just as little as we did!
Betty: Must you be so negative? Maybe you shouldn’t do the show with us after all.
Teri: Hallelujah!
Velma: How is the show going on if the host is in jail?
Ralph: Mom probably thinks she’s going to host it herself, since they showed such interest in her with that letter.
Betty: I’m not that delusional.
Teri: Dad, tell mom the truth.
Karl: I have to go get ready, sorry.
Betty: The new host is great, so much better than Mark. They’re doing a big revamp with Lakey broadcasting legend Naomi Rosenbaum.
Tammi: I love her!
Ralph: You like someone on the news? I though the news was for liberals.
Teri: She donated to that new lady in Arizona. They like them if they’re on their side.
Ralph: Oh no, did Naomi storm the Capitol?
Tammi: I just like her style. Something wrong with that?
Teri: Since when do you care about fashion?
Tammi: Her reporting style!
Betty: Glad we got that out of the way, that little friction is not happening when we get to the show. We can’t let anything take our heads out of the game.
Teri: What sort of prizes do they give out win this show for you to be this worried about winning?
Betty: We can win a free cruise! For free!
Teri: I hate boats.
Cindy: She’s lying. She’s just trying to play mind games with you so you’ll think she’ll throw the show and therefore you won’t want her to be on the team.
Betty: The team is locked in, so we’re not going to be replacing anyone. Although Jerry, you’re coming with just in case.
Jerry: What about the store? Don’t you want someone watching it?
Betty: We’ve got Mitchell?
Jerry: You sure about that?
Betty: One day of shutting down won’t harm us too badly.
Mitchell: Wow! That was rude.
Velma: It was realistic.
Later that day, at the TV studio…
Betty: All right, guys, it’s about to start! Don’t screw this up, I want the cruise!
Teri: Maybe we should focus on beating the other family first.
Betty: There is no other family, it’s just us.
Cindy: Then what’s the point of all of this?
Velma: Yeah, there’s no fun to it if we don’t get to crush the dreams of another family.
Karl: What a great attitude to have.
Velma: I agree, thank you.
Teri: What is the point of the game, then?
Betty: Naomi will explain it, I have to focus on readying myself for the show.
Teri: You are taking this far too seriously.
Betty: I’m sorry for caring.
Out on the stage…
Naomi: Hello everyone! I am Naomi Rosenbaum, your host of the Virginia Family Challenge! We are all so thankful that you’ve chosen our show to tune into, now let’s meet our family! They’re a family from Lakey who love spending time together so much, they all live together. It’s the Bellwoods!
Betty: We are so happy to be here, Naomi!
Teri: This is truly, I’m not kidding, the highlight of our lives! I know you all agree!
Cindy: Yes, what a day!
Naomi: Why don’t you all introduce yourselves? Betty, you’re the captain, you can start.=
Betty: I am Betty, I am a small business owner from Lakey, where I work alongside my husband, son-in-law and nephew.
Naomi: Oh, that’s really sweet. Karl?
Karl: I’m Karl, I’m Betty’s husband. I’m retired but I recently got back into the workforce to help make Betty’s dream a reality.
Naomi: I don’t think anything could bring me out of retirement. Well, aside from the offer to host this show!
Cindy: I’m Cindy, I’m Betty’s daughter and a school principal.
Naomi: Oh, principal! Now that’s a job that seems like a real challenge, today should be a piece of cake in comparison.
Cindy: It’s a hard job, but it’s worth it to help shape Virginia’s youth.
Naomi: Tammi?
Tammi: I… uh… um… I Tammi. You’re Naomi!
Naomi: I am indeed.
Tammi: I’m meeting you. Yay!
Naomi: Um, is she okay? She’s not, like, having a stroke, right?
Teri: Tammi, lift your hands above your head. Stick your tongue out.
Cindy: She’s a little starstruck. She watched you on TV her entire life. You’re sort of like her third parent.
Naomi: Okay, this is a new experience for me. Is she going to be able to continue?
Tammi: Uh-huh.
Betty: No! Is it possible to sub her out?
Naomi: This is definitely a new experience! Do you have a family member here who can fill in? If not, I’m afraid we can’t continue here.
Betty: Jerry! Come on down, it’s time to play -
Naomi: Shh! You can’t say that! Bob Barker’s lawyers are always watching!
Teri: Is he still with us?
Velma: Bob Barker is immortal.
Jerry: Do I have to?
Betty: Get. Down. Here.
Jerry: Fine…
Naomi: All right, folks, this is surely new. We’re sign to take this from the top. Tammi, we’re so glad you came out here with us today, I’m sure you’ll very much enjoy the show from the audience.
Tammi: What? What’s happening? Naomi, don’t leave me!
Teri: She’s worked her way up to full sentences!
Cindy: Honey, we have to start, just go to the audience. I’m sure you can get an autograph later or something.
Betty: She is NOT going on the cruise if we win, by the way. Not after this.
Teri: You can truly feel the love in the room.
Four hours later…
Naomi: Bellwoods… this is the last task of the bonus round. Are you ready to find out what it is that Jerry will be doing?
Betty: No! Ut’s so clsue, I can taste it.
Teri: Jerry, if you screw this up… mom will kill you. She might not do it right away. She might not make it obvious. But she will do it. Your brakes will be cut. Your oatmeal will be poisoned. Don’t do it.
Jerry: I will try not to.
Naomi: Okay… moving on from the death threats. Jerry, your challenge will be… juggling!
Jerry: Well,. as you can see, I already have to juggle a menagerie of insane family members, so this should be easy enough.
Karl: If I could slam a dunk, you can do this.
Teri: Naomi, you’re sure this is a show people actually watch? 100% sure?
Naomi: I have been told so.
Teri: Just gotta check.
Naomi: all right, Jerry. You have to juggle these three balls without dropping any for third seconds.
Jerry: That’s it?
Naomi: We can make it a minute if you want.
Jerry: No, thirty seconds is good for me.
Naomi: Then, get ready… set… go!
Betty: You can do it, Jerry! Think of the cruise!
Jerry: Please no talking.
Betty: Don’t sass your mother-in-law!
Jerry: Betty!
Betty: Sorry.
Teri (singing): Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take you -
Naomi: Fifteen seconds, halfway there!
Teri (singing): Whoa, we’re halfway there, whoa, livin’ on a prayer!
Jerry: God, give me the strength.
Naomi: Thirty seconds! Bellwoods, you’ve won the Virginia Family Challenge!
Betty: My cruise! We won my cruise!
Karl: And fifteen hundred dollars!
Teri: As I said, I don’t care about cruises, so I’ll just take the money.
Cindy: Oh, like hell you will!
Naomi: Thank you for joining us on Virginia Family Challenge, goodnight!
In the car…
Betty: Tammi, what in the hell was that up there?
Tammi: Clearly, I could just tell that dad was a professional-level juggler.
Jerry: You’re all welcome, by the way!
Teri: Being a clown finally paid off.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
