Our House Season 2, Episode 12
Betty is sitting on the couch, watching one of her daily soap operas, when the news breaks in.
Betty: Oh, come on!
Patrick Colby-Howerton: Hello, I’m Patrick Colby-Howerton reporting for Lakey Action News with an important update. Governor Franzello is set to update the commonwealth of Virginia on the state’s response to the norellovirus epidemic. Let’s head over to the governor right now.
Governor Nanette Franzello: Hello my fellow Virginians. I know it’s a scary time out there. Our state has just confirmed our seventieth case of norellovirus. The majority of these cases are in Fairfax and Loudoun counties, and only eight counties in total have confirmed cases. Despite this, I am placing the entire state under a mandatory stay-at-home order. All schools, non-essential businesses, office buildings and more will be required to shut down starting Monday and continuing until further notice. A full list of businesses that are exempt can be found at Virginia dot gov slash stay dash home. I realize that this is at best inconvenient and at worst devastating to all Virginians. This will have negative effects on our economy and small businesses, but saving lives is what’s most important. It is my sincere hope that we can begin re-opening very soon. We’re all in this together, and if everyone stays home and avoids contact with groups of more than ten people, we can curb this outbreak very shortly. I’ll now turn this over to our Secretary of Health and Human Resources, Dr. Talia Chabot before I open things up for questions from the press.
Betty jumps off the couch and runs into the kitchen.
Betty: Did you guys hear what the governor just said on TV?
Jerry: Did I hear the anti-American communist on TV? No. I had more important things to decide, like what condiments to put in my sandwich.
Betty: Stop it, this is important. She’s putting the state under a stay-at-home order because of the norellovirus.
Jerry: It’s a classic liberal overreaction. You people are afraid of your own shadows.
Betty: That is a lie.
Karl: Please, don’t fight about this. There’s nothing anyone can do about it, we have to listen to the governor whether we like it or not.
Betty: Hear that Jerry? Karl’s the boss here, listen to him. No going to anywhere with more than ten people in it. We have to stay safe.
Jerry: There’s more than ten people here.
Betty: What? No there isn’t. I would know.
Jerry: Me, you, Cindy, Karl, Tammi, Frank
Betty: Frank doesn’t count as a person.
Jerry: Steven, Teri, Ralph, Dani
Betty: Since when do we call her Dani?
Jerry: Velma, Mitchell, Carlene and Daphne.
Carlene: Did someone call for me?
Betty: Ahh!
Carlene: I know my hair doesn’t look great but you don’t need to act like that.
Betty: Why are you here? It’s a Thursday at noon!
Carlene: I work at a retirement community, they laid most of us off right now and are operating with a minimal staff to keep the residents safe because old people are impacted the worst. I just returned to work there a few months ago and you know what they say. Last one hired, first one laid off due to a deadly pandemic.
Betty: Oh yes, the classic adage.
Carlene: Did you call for me though?
Jerry: No, I was explaining to her that there’s more than ten of us here.
Carlene: And you’re doing the for?
Jerry: The governor ordered us to all stay at home starting Monday and not congregate in groups of over ten people. I was explaining to Betty that there’s already more than ten people living in this house. None of this matters, we will be fine.
Betty: You have to listen to the doctors, it’s not hard to stay home. And if you have to go out, wear a mask! Now if you excuse me, I’m going to take a shower. Karl, we’re going shopping.
Karl: We are?
Betty: We are! We have to stock up on everything.
Karl: Okay, I guess I’ll shower too.
Two days later…
Teri: Mom, it is two o’clock on a Saturday. Where are my sister and niece and their idiot husbands?
Betty: I don’t know, I’ve been on Facebook all day, I haven’t paid any attention to them all day except for when Jerry tried to steal my donut at breakfast.
Danielle: They went golfing, then to the winery, and then to seafood restaurant. They mentioned bowling too.
Betty: They mentioned doing what?
Danielle: I know, it’s very dumb.
Teri: So they choose a pandemic to be the first time they’ve ever gone golfing?
Danielle: I think they’re doing it to try and prove that they’ll be fine if they go out and about.
Teri: Idiots. All of them.
Danielle: There’s not much we can do about it unfortunately. Until Monday, they have the right to go out and about.
Betty: Oh, we sure can. I did not spend four hours wiping down two grand worth of groceries for these four knuckleheads, including one that I gave birth to, to just get us all sick anyway because they went bowling and went to a seafood buffet.
Danielle: I didn’t say it was a buffet.
Ralph: They’re excruciatingly dumb, mom’s probably right.
Teri: What are you going to do about this, mom?
Betty: I’ll lock them all out. They can stay in the basement for two weeks, it’s nice down there.
Teri: They have keys.
Betty: You dad can change the locks.
Karl: That’s a step too far.
Betty: Karl, no it isn’t! I’m not ready to die and my daughter and her family seem destined to make it happen.
Karl: Okay, fine. I’ll do it.
Ralph: You don’t really have to do it, dad. She won’t divorce you over it or anything.
Karl: I’ve learned that attempting to resist your mother always ends badly. So I’m not trying anymore.
Ralph: If it helps you get through the day, then fine. I don’t particularly want them around either. I’m worried about the virus too.
Teri: Velma, you haven’t weighed in yet but I see you’re listening. Anything to add? This is a democracy after all.
Velma: I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I get wiping down the mail and our groceries but I don’t see any need to lock members of the family out for going out. All of us have been out in the past few days.
Carlene: Not me. Again, laid off.
Velma: Everyone but Carlene then. Are you going to make all of us self-isolate in the basement?
Betty: I guess not. I’m still angry that they did this, they’re trying to get a rise out of me and my health is on the line.
Velma: I want us all to be healthy but that’s not the way to do it.
Betty: I guess I’ll just wear gloves in the house for the next two weeks and try to be as careful.
Velma: There you go. You’re always a thinker.
Teri: No, mom, that’s ridiculous. You shouldn’t have to act like a prisoner in your own home.
Mitchell: Technically it’s our house.
Ralph: When the hell did you get up, Mitchell? It’s pretty early for you to roll out of bed.
Mitchell: I was watching TV, I wasn’t asleep or anything.
Ralph: Okay. I believe you.
Betty: I don’t know what to do. I want to be safe but I don’t want the entire family to feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why they had to go out today just to try and upset me.
Teri: Mom, don’t worry about it. I’ll deal with it. You just go back to Facebooking.
Betty: Are you sure?
Teri: Yes, I am.
Betty: Alright, I’m going out to the porch, I need some fresh air.
Teri: You sure do. There’s not gonna be much left anymore in the house!
Betty walks out to the porch.
Teri: Alright dad, get your tools. Change the locks. Ralph, Carlene, Danielle, can you help me prepare the basement?
Ralph: What are we doing down there?
Teri: The chain of fools that are out there galavanting around Henrico County are going to just have to sleep in the basement for a few weeks. We’re going to go set up some beds for them, get food together, everything they could need during the next two weeks.
Velma: But! Did you listen to anything I said?
Teri: We were all careful when we went out. They’re doing this on purpose to make my elderly, paranoid mother freak out even more about this horrible disease. They deserve to be stuck down there. Now if you excuse me, I’m calling my sister to yell at her.
Teri grabs her phone and calls Cindy.
Cindy: What’s up Teri?
Teri: What the hell is wrong with you? What are you doing at a winery right now?
Cindy: We’re actually bowling.
Teri: Even worse! Why are you out now? To make mom angry?
Cindy: We’re enjoying the last few days of freedom we have!
Teri: You’re being stupid. And you’re going to get sick and kill one of us and you don’t care. You, and your dipsh*t husband, and your daughter who should know better, and her Frank. You are all being insanely irresponsible and I’m sick of it. You’re not coming home.
Cindy: What do you mean we’re not coming home? Of course we are.
Teri: You’re staying in the basement. For two weeks, until we can make sure you're not sick.
Cindy: There aren’t even any cases in Henrico County. We’re coming in the house.
Teri: There were just two cases reported today. They updated at noon, after you left. Mom almost had a heart attack seeing it.
Cindy: I’m sorry to hear that but you’re still being crazy. This is just the flu. No one is dying except the elderly.
Teri: Our parents are elderly. You want to just sacrifice them?
Cindy: No, of course not! But the odds of them getting sick are so low.
Teri: Not low enough.
Karl: Cindy, I just got the new locks!
Cindy: Was that dad? Did you have him change the locks?
Teri: Sure did. Except the basement. That’s your new house after all. Bye bye!
Teri hangs up on Cindy. Four hours later…
Cindy: Let us in!
Betty: Did you guys change the locks?
Teri: Indeed.
Betty: I’m so proud of you guys!
Velma: This is insane.
Teri: You’re only here by marriage, shut it.
Danielle: I’d just like to say, as the closest thing to a medical professional here, that I approve of this. I asked for an extended leave of absence from the pharmacy to protect myself, I’m not about to get the norellovirus from some idiots that wanted shrimp from a buffet.
Teri: That’s the spirit!
Mitchell: I have to side with them on this one, hon.
Velma: Of course you do.
Jerry: Velma, come on. You know letting us in is the right thing to do.
Velma: I don’t think you deserve to be basement dwellers but I also don’t approve of what you did.
Frank: We’re sorry!
Betty: Are you really?
Teri: Trying to own the libs is going to cost you this time, guys. I’m not playing around with my life and especially not with my parents’ lives. You can hate me forever because of this, I’m not budging on this. You should have thought a little more.
Tammi: Can I at least see Steven one last time?
Teri: You want him locked in the basement too?
Steven: No! Don’t make me do it! I don’t want to go down there!
Tammi: I won’t do that to you Steven. But mommy loves you and she misses you. I’ll talk to you every day. Teri, let me FaceTime with him please.
Teri: Maybe. I’m really pissed at you.
Tammi: Just consider it.
Betty: Alright guys, you should go down to your shelter now. The neighbors are probably getting annoyed. You know the way down to the basement. Head into the backyard and down the cellar door.
Tammi: We know. Sorry we did this grandma.
Jerry: I’m not sorry. It was fun.
Karl: It won’t be fun when you can’t breathe.
Teri: Dad, you didn’t have to murder him like that.
Karl: He didn’t have to try murdering us like that.
Teri: Woooow. You got him there.
One week later…
Jerry: Oh my god!
Cindy: What is it honey?
Teri (through the basement door): Yeah honey, what is it?
Jerry: One of the guys I served in the Army with died today from the norellovirus.
Tammi: Dad, I’m so sorry.
Jerry: He was a good man. Loved his family and his country. He was ten years younger than me.
Betty (through the basement door): Jerry, I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you see now why I was so scared. If healthy guys that served in the army couldn’t survive it, how could I survive it?
Jerry: I get it now. I’m sorry I tried to push your buttons over it. I hope you guys can forgive us. At least forgive them, it was my idea.
Betty: You’ll all be welcomed back into the family with open arms when these two weeks. I wish I could hug you now.
Cindy: I’ll give him one for you.
Betty: Thank you Cindy.
Teri: I’m sorry for your loss, too.
Betty: I’m going to keep praying for you guys to all be safe. I worry about you every day. I wish you could get tested so I could rest easy.
Teri: I don’t think mental examinations can determine whether they have the norellovirus or not. Oh, sorry. Not the time.What did you think of the episode? Please let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return next week!
