The Bullpen Christmas Special: Christmas Interrogation

Lorenzo: I swear I didn’t do it.
Interrogator #1: We just need to ask you a few questions.
Interrogator #2: Answer them honestly and you’ll be on your way.
Interrogator #1: First, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Lorenzo: God help me for sure. None of this is my fault. Also, I don’t believe I caught your names.
Interrogator #1: Whether or not we have names is irrelevant to this situation. This is a huge controversy and if true, could result in some serious repercussions against your team.
Bryan: Hold up, he’s not even on the team anymore. Why are you questioning him?
Interrogator #2: We strongly believe he is the one at fault.
Interrogator #1: That and your lovely bullpen coach refused to show up to this court meeting.
Eli: Yeah about that, why are we doing this in a bullpen of a ballpark that isn’t even ours?
Interrogator #2: We agreed on neutral grounds such that to not impose bias.
Interrogator #1: Can we get back to what matters? Mr.—
Lorenzo: Call me Lorenzo.
Interrogator #1: Where were you at the time of the crime?
Kurt: Crime?
Interrogator #2: As we’ve mentioned, using your materials for personal gain is a crime.
Interrogator #1: Yes, it’s been found that you have hidden cameras throughout your ballpark, giving you an unfair advantage over other bullpens.
Interrogator #2: It is our understanding that you know where equipment is that is prohibited for use by players.
Robert: Look, whether one of us did this or not, I really don’t understand how this is a big deal.
Eli: I have to agree with Robert, even if such an offense was done I don’t think it’s grounds for the team to face penalization.
Interrogator #1: Studies indicate that sugar increases pitching ability by almost 40%. It has a similar effect as illegal performance-enhancing drugs, and that is not tolerated in this league.
Interrogator #2: Getting back to the question, Lorenzo, there have been claims that you have an addiction to cotton candy. Is that not enough evidence to imply that just maybe, you took the cotton candy machine yourself?
Lorenzo: I was nowhere near the cotton candy machine when it was taken. It does sound like something I would do, but I didn’t.
Interrogator #1: I know what the news is going to say about this one: “Disgraced former baseball player says he would take the cotton candy machine”.
Lorenzo: No way.
Robert: You’re misunderstanding him, he said he didn’t do it.
Interrogator #2: I understand. But his words can be twisted.
Lorenzo: I don’t get this. I just want to head back to the restaurant I’m about to open and perfect my cotton candy recipes. Then I want to go home, sit back, and relax with a cup of cotton candy.
Eli: You are not helping your case at all.
Interrogator #1: We saw you take it.
Lorenzo: What?? Why are you even here then?
Interrogator #2: We have noting better to do.
Lorenzo: Please, whatever you do, don’t take this out on the team. They don’t deserve that.
Interrogator #1: Oh, you actually thought your team would be penalized over something as meaningless as this?
Kurt: I mean I personally wouldn’t have ruled it out.
Robert: Yeah me neither, some weird stuff has happened to us.
Bryan: Mostly because of us.
Interrogator #2: Unfortunately for you, Lorenzo, we do see this as a grounds for dismissal. You will no longer be allowed to play baseball.
Lorenzo: I wasn’t planning on coming back next season anyways.
Eli: Can we just go home now? It’s freezing out.
Interrogator #1: I suppose so.
Interrogator #2: Hold on.
[Interrogator #2 starts whispering to Interrogator #1]
Interrogator #1: After further review, we have decided to dismiss the case. Lorenzo, you are now allowed to play baseball again after all. Merry Christmas everyone.
[Interrogator #1 and Interrogator #2 both leave]
Bryan: I seriously can’t believe this is how I spent my Christmas morning.
Eli: It’s still only 5am, there’s time left.
Jason: Is it safe for me to come out from behind the bench now?
Kurt: I think it’s always been safe.
Robert: I’m just glad Lorenzo gets to keep his job as a baseball player. (Everyone laughs).
Jason: We should probably get out of here before the blizzard starts.
Kurt: Yeah good idea. Merry Christmas!
Everyone (at slightly different times): Merry Christmas!
[Everyone leaves].

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