Bake Your Heart Out Season 1, Episode 5
Last Christmas
One year ago…
Sam: Diane, what is going on?
Diane: It’s the Christmas show, Diane. This happens every year, it’s nothing new.
Sam: Why are they decorating the studio like it’s the North Pole?
Diane: You know they go all out everyyear.
Sam: There’s an inflatable Santa Claus i the middle of the baking tent. How is that even safe?
Diane: I think a better question is where the heck Leslie is. We’re never here before her.
Frances: She went to Home Depot. She said she’ll be back soon.
Sam: What for?
Frances: More decorations.
Sam: My god, we’re gonna blow a fuse.
Diane: Come on Sam, get in the holiday spirit.
Sam: It’s September and it’s 85 degrees outside.
Diane: Don’t ruin the fun!
Leslie: I’m back everybody. My ears were ringing so I could sense that you were talking about me. I’m sure it was Sam cursing me.
Diane: It was!
Leslie: I know you hate when we have to pretend it’s Christmas even though it’s September, but just be happy we don’t film outside and make you wear an ugly Christmas sweater.
Diane: You’d have to fire her. There’s no way she’d do it.
Sam: Damn right.
Garry: Sam, just let us all have this fun. Our viewers love the Christmas specials.
Sam: Garry, what on God’s green earth are you wearing?
Garry: It’s my Christmas sweater!
Sam: Why is it lighting up?
Garry: It’s my Christmas Vacation Griswold Family Christmas shirt, complete with actual Christmas lights! I saw it online and I just had to buy it.
Sam: You should not have. Do you have to plug yourself in or what?
Garry: No, it’s completely battery-operated.
Sam: Seems like it’s gonna be really easy to clean!
Garry: Don’t rain on my parade.
Frances: I think you look great, Garry.
Sam: You only say that because you’re in love with him.
Frances: You need to stop saying that!
Sam: Or what? Your husband’s going to hear?
Frances: That was a low blow.
Sam: Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la la.
Frances: Why are you being so rude today?
Diane: She’s just upset because she spent her last Christmas alone and she’s taking it out on the entire holiday.
Frances: Sam! Why didn’t you call me? We could have gone caroling together!
Sam: I’d rather jump off a bridge.
Diane: Hey!
Sam: Oh my god, I’m sorry! I forgot about -
Diane: My husband driving off of a bridge. I know, it’s very easy to forget.
Sam: It was. bad choice of words, I’m really sorry.
Frances: Back to my heartfelt and sincere offer. Sam, you can spend Christmas with me if you want. I just go caroling with my brother and sister-in-law. If you don’t want to go caroling, we could just have a little party at my house.
Leslie: I’d come too, it’s not like I have anywhere better to go!
Garry: Carly and I could both come with. We didn’t go anywhere on Christmas last year.
Sam: Guys, it is September. Just because we’re filming a Christmas episode right now doesn’t mean it’s Christmas. Let’s stop acting like it is.
Frances: You’re a mean one, Mrs. Grinch.
Sam: I’m not a Grinch! Now can we please stop acting as if it really is Christmas time?
Leslie: Ta da! I have finished decorating my Twelve Days of Christmas tree. Now for the crew to finish putting up the lights and we’re in business!
Sam: Why are you putting so many lights up? You’ll have to take them all down by next week.
Leslie: Because I want to give our viewers a festive Christmas episode, because it’s airing at Christmas time. Every year it gets bigger and bigger and I think our viewers appreciate that.
Sam: I don’t! Don’t you remember what you told me?
Leslie: What?
Sam: Last Christmas, I told you that I understand how you’d want to do a Christmas episode, but I asked if you could scale things down a little bit because it’s become painful for me for things to be so Christmassy when I’m alone for the holidays now since Nicolle is in New York now and my mom died. We all used to come together to celebrate and that was the first Christmas where I couldn’t and now Christmas just makes me sad.
Leslie: Sam, I am so sorry. I completely forgot you said that to me. I just thought you were antagonizing us because that’s what you like to do.
Sam: It’s fine. I do antagonize you guys a lot.
Leslie: No, it’s not fine. Sam, we can do away with Christmas episodes. This can be the last one.
Sam: You don’t need to do that. Just, tone it down a little.
Leslie: No, it’s fine. If it hurts you, we won’t do it anymore. You have my word.
Garry (whispering): She really is the Grinch. She stole Christmas!
Leslie: I heard that, Garry. Do I need to cancel this Christmas, too?
Garry: No.
Leslie: Good.
Three months later…
Leslie: I’m so glad we’re all here together on this day. I know Diane had to go home to her family to celebrate, but the fact that this group of outcasts - and Garry - have all gathered together to celebrate this joyous holiday, it really warms my heart. Over the past few years, we’ve all been able to grow Bake Your Heart Out into a phenomenon. A massive hit that so many have welcomed into their homes. Particularly in this winter season, it’s seen as a great comfort for many as they prepare for the holidays. Our sister Sam hasn’t been able to feel quite as warm and fuzzy about the holidays as the rest of us have. Sam, I thank you for showing up today and celebrating with us. It means a lot for us to know that you’re here instead of at home alone.
Sam: Jeez, Leslie. I didn’t die. Now, can we party? It’s Christmas!
Leslie: It is a holiday after all. We’re here to have fun. Let’s party!
Frances: So are we really not going caroling?
Sam: You know what, Frances? We can go caroling. Not now, because it’s 2:30, but when it’s dark out.
Frances: Holy crap. Did Sam just agree to do something she doesn’t want to do out of pure selflessness?
Sam: Maybe the Christmas spirit is finally returning to me.
Frances: I appreciate it. You know how much I love to go caroling and you’re willing to do it for em.
Sam: Don’t get too used to it. I still won’t wear one of those ugly Christmas sweaters like Garry wears.
Garry: They’re wonderful.
Carly: Honey, no.
Garry: You don’t like them?
Carly: They’re a little much. You’ve accidentally thrown ten batteries into the washer in the past month alone.
Sam: What an idiot. Sorry, trying to be better.
Leslie: Shall we exchange gifts?
Sam: Can we eat first? Your oven’s been going off since I got here a half hour ago.
Leslie: Oh my god, no! I forgot about the turkey!
Sam: Yay, another bone dry turkey.
Leslie: I’ve never made a dry turkey before! And you’ve never eaten one of mine before.
Sam: No, but I’ve had one of Diane’s. I went to her family Thanksgiving this year. She made the turkey and it was the driest thing I’ve ever eaten.
Frances: I’ve been to Diane’s for dinner. I can believe you. She made chicken and it was as flavorful as cardboard.
Leslie: Diane isn’t here to defend herself, let’s lay off her terrible cooking for now.
Frances: Yeah, I guess we should. It’ll give us more time to appreciate my homemade pasties and cherry pie.
Sam: We get it Frances. You’re from Michigan.
Frances: Uh oh, looks like the Christmas spirit’s leaving Sam. Better feed her!
Garry: I made green bean casserole, and corn casserole, and mashed potatoes, and for dessert I made a figgy pudding and pumpkin pies.
Sam: And who asked? Nobody. Sorry again, I’m just really hungry.
Leslie: It’s not even 3 o’clock. Why are you so hungry?
Sam: Frances told me you guys were all making a huge feast and said I shouldn’t eat.
Leslie: Frances…
Frances: In my defense, I’m very excited about the food I made.
Leslie: Oh Frances. If it wasn’t Christmas I’d reprimand you for getting between Sam and food, but that would go against the spirit of the holiday. So let’s just eat.
Frances: I thought we could wait until Jimmy and Louise got here, but that’s fine.
Leslie: Frances…
Frances: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
Leslie: Frances, they called you yesterday and told you their flight had to land in Colorado and that they might not make it in time.
Frances: No, they’re going to be here. They have to be.
Leslie: Can we eat in the meantime?
Frances: If it makes everyone happy, I guess.
One hour later, everyone finishes eating.
Leslie: Alright everybody, it’s now time for one of the most magical parts of the Christmas holiday - gift giving! All of the presents are stacked in front of the tree.
Sam: That’s not where we put them.
Leslie: I snuck off during dinner. You guys just threw your presents on the bench in the foyer and I needed everything to be perfect.
Frances: You’re too sweet!
Garry: Not sweet enough to comment on my festive sweather, though.
Leslie: It’s wonderful, Garry. That’s Buddy the Elf, right?
Garry: You know it!
Carly: Leslie, stop encouraging this.
Sam gets a call on her cell phone and quickly answers.
Sam: What’s up?
Diane: Sam! Are you still at Frances’s?
Sam: No, we decided to do it at Leslie’s instead. Frances didn’t have the time to decorate properly or some crap like that so Leslie stepped in because, well…
Diane: Are you kidding me? I’m already on the way to Santa Clarita and you’re in Thousand Oaks?
Sam: Why are you going to Frances’s in the first place?
Diane: My family got in a huge argument about politics, it was a disaster. I had to get out of there.
Sam: Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a dumb argument about the President!
Diane: Well my brother-in-law said something and I couldn’t not say something.
Sam: You couldn’t just let it fly by on Christmas?
Diane: You know me. Of course I couldn’t.
Sam: I know. I’ll see you in about an hour.
40 minutes later, there’s a knock at the door.
Sam: I’ll get it, it’s probably just Diane.
Sam opens the door.
Frances: Jimmy! See Leslie, I told you he’d be here!
Louise: What, don’t I get a shoutout?
Lauren (Frances’s niece): Yeah, what about me?
Frances (in tears): Oh my god, Lauren! I didn’t know you were coming!
Jimmy: I made sure to keep it a secret. We didn’t know if she was coming for sure.
Lauren: Aunt Frances, I hope you don’t mind that we had to sneak into your house to shower without you being there. We’ve been driving since yesterday.
Frances: No, of course I don’t mind. I’m just glad I get to see my family on Christmas! How’s Michigan?
Jimmy: Still as heavenly as ever. I’m glad we moved back. Aside from the fact that we don’t get to see you as much as we used to, that is.
Frances: I know. But we’re together now and that’s the magic of Christmas.
Sam: I’m sorry, I have to go.
Leslie: Guys, I should go to her.
Garry: Go. Frances is busy catching up anyway. Our game of hot potato can wait.
Leslie follows Sam to the spare bedroom, where she is crying.
Leslie: Sam, what’s wrong?
Sam: Seeing Frances with her family like that just reminded me of what Christmas used to be like when I had a family to celebrate Christmas with. It’s hard. My mom and dad and aunt and uncle have all died now and I never had siblings or cousins. So I’m all alone now. Even my wife is in another state and couldn’t be bothered to come back for Christmas.
Leslie: Sam, I’m sorry. I thought this would be good for you but if it’s not, you can go home.
Sam: No, I’m glad to be here. I just had a temporary moment of weakness. Now I’d like to go back out to the party. I’m fine.
Leslie: Alright, let’s go.
Sam and Leslie walk out to the living room.
Diane: Sam! Where the hell were you and who are all these people and why do two of them sound like they’re always about to say “dontcha know”?
Frances: They’re my family, Diane.
Diane: Oh! That’s right. Jimmy and his wife… Lorraine?
Louise: It’s Louise.
Diane: Sorry for the rudeness, it’s been an exhausting day.
Frances: It’s fine. Sam’s being nice-ish today so someone had to take her place.
Leslie: You’ve all joined us just in time to watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!
Diane: You know, that sounds great. Anything to get my mind off of my terrible, annoying family.
Sam: I’m fine with it, too. We never get to anything so wholesome.
Garry: Sam’s okay with doing something nice. The world truly is ending.
One hour later, they finish watching Rudolph.
Frances: Guys, it’s getting dark out. Is it time for caroling?
Sam: She has practiced an almost unbelievably impressive degree of restraint. I think she’s earned it.
Leslie: Alright guys, let’s go. Frances, what are we singing?
Frances: I brought sheet music in anticipation of this very event. Only five copies of each song so some of us will have to share.
Diane: Does anyone already want to back out of this?
Frances: It’s going to be so fun! Just give it a chance!
Diane: I’m sure it will be fun. Maybe more for me than for you, because you guys are going to be the ones that have to listen to me sing.
Frances: You can’t be that bad. No worse than Lauren, for sure.
Lauren: Hey! I was in the Northwest Michigan College A Capella Club!
Frances: Honey… I don’t think they actually vet people for that. It’s not like Traverse City has given us a ton of famous singers.
Lauren: You really think I’m a terrible singer?
Frances: Not everyone can have a voice as gorgeous as your father and I.
Jimmy: Frances…
Frances: Why does everyone keep saying my name like that?
Jimmy: We are not good singers.
Sam: Oooh… burn!
Leslie: Alright, enough of this. Let’s go caroling guys!
30 minutes into caroling, Leslie gets a call.
Leslie: Gotta take this guys, you go up to the next house and torture them with a Sleigh Ride.
Leslie picks up the phone.
Leslie: It’s Christmas, what’s wrong, Paul?
Paul: Nothing’s wrong.
Leslie: Then why are you calling? I’ll say it again, it’s Christmas. You never call me.
Paul: I’m at my family Christmas party and quite a few people came up to me to compliment the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas episode. They loved it, Leslie!
Leslie: I’m always heartened to hear of fans, Paul.
Paul: That’s not why I’m calling, though. I haven’t seen you in a few weeks and I forgot to call you after the episode aired and give you the huge news. The Christmas episode drew ratings that were through the roof! The beat the other networks buy a margin we’ve never beat them by before with regular entertainment programming. This thing was massive. The highest-rated episode of any show this TV season!
Leslie: That’s incredible!
Paul: It is. I thought I’d give you that little gift today since I didn’t get you anything else.
Leslie: Yeah you did, you sent me a fruitcake!
Paul: Oh, that must’ve been my assistant. I’d never send something so disgusting.
Leslie: Hey! Don’t knock it, it was the pefect thing to regift to Garry. He loves the stuff.
Paul: Anyway, I hope you’re already brainstorming ideas for next year’s special.
Leslie: About that…
Paul: What is it?
Leslie: We’re not doing a Christmas episode next year.
Paul: WHAT?
Leslie: Yeah, it makes Diane uncomfortable and in turn that makes me uncomfortable.
Paul: Change her mind. We need ratings like this again, Leslie.
Leslie: I’ll tell her, but I won’t pressure her.
Paul: You are such a goody two-shoes.
Leslie: Sometimes.
Paul: Bye Leslie, merry Christmas.
Leslie: Merry Christmas to you as well, Paul.
Leslie hangs up the phone and catches up with the group.
Sam: You were gone for a while. You missed a guy throwing a fruitcake out his door at us!
Leslie: Speaking of fruitcake… Paul called me. He wants us to do an even more extravagant Christmas episode next year. I told him no, no matter how high the ratings are.
Sam: Call him back right now, tell him yes.
Leslie: Are you sure? Don’t say that just to save me from getting crap from him. I created his number one show, he won’t touch me.
Sam: No, that’s not why. Screw Paul. Call him because I think we should do a Christmas show. Spending these last few hours with this crazy group has made me realize that this is a family, too. We may fight, most of us aren’t blood related, most of us probably tried to get out of this. But now that we’re together, I want nothing more at the holidays than this. I felt happy on Christmas for the first time in some time. I may complain about everyone her, and I may complain about Christmas, but it’s all for show. We need to keep doing the Christmas shows.
Leslie: Thank you for sharing that, you are so brave.
Sam: No, I’m not.
Leslie: I’ll go call Paul. He should be happy.
In the present day, on the day of filming the 2019 Christmas episode…
Sam: The baking cabin is so full of Christmas decorations! Where are the bakers even going to stand? Where are we going to stand?
Leslie: You approved it all, you big Christmas-loving softie.
What did you think of the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas special? Let us know in the comments and make sure to join us when the show returns in January 2020!
