Patty Lynn: Don’t you worry, we will watch Sarah for you, she won’t get into any trouble!
Sarah: I still don’t understand why I need to be watched. I’m an adult!
Kathleen: You haven’t begun acting like one.
Sarah: That’s not true.
Marietta: Yeah, it’s not true. She has the mouth of an adult! She sure seems to think she runs the place!
Sarah: Are you just going to make fun of me before you leave for a week?
Marietta: It seems like fun to me!
Sarah: You’re the mayor, I think you should worry more about who you put in charge of the city.
Marietta: The city won’t burn down if I’m out of town for a week. Just in case, though, I have Amy. Moira and Marissa will probably also try to work their ways in there. The city will be just fine. You, on the other hand, need supervision.
Martin: She’ll have it in spades! It’s going to be like prison!
Marietta: Good! Now, I gotta get out of here, Tammy’s waiting for me at the airport. If you need anything, give me a call, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I can’t wait for our girls’ week on Cape Cod!
Kathleen: Tell Kate and Ellie we said hi and that we’re mad at them for not inviting us.
Marietta: You and mom always go on trips without us, we figured we could do one without the whole family.
Patty Lynn: Oh, so it was your idea to leave us behind?
Sarah: Ooh, big mistake admitting that!
Marietta: Tammy’s not even taking Mitch, it’s not a big deal. Can I go now?
Patty Lynn: Not until you promise to go on vacation with the whole family soon.
Marietta: I promise…
Patty Lynn: All right, go and have your fun. Don’t forget about us!
Marietta: I’ll be gone a week.
Kathleen: To be fair, she does start to forget about some of you when we’re gone a week.
Marietta: Which of us? Tammy?
Kathleen: We’ll say that.
Patty Lynn: I say ONE time that I only have one child, she never lets me live it down…
Marietta: Please tell me it was Milton.
Kathleen: We’ll say that.
Four hours later…
Marietta: Tammy, why is it snowing out?
Tammy: Do I look like Mother Nature? I don’t know!
Marietta: I asked a question, Tamara.
Tammy: That’s not my name and you know that damn well!
Marietta: Tammy Ethel Yarborough, that’s your name.
Tammy: Don’t say “Ethel” like that, it’s a beautiful name!
Marietta: If you’re Lucy Ricardo’s friend, sure.
Tammy: This is why I don’t tell people my middle name.
Marietta: It’s available on Wikipedia.
Tammy: You’re driving me nuts.
Marietta: Why is it snowing?
Tammy: I don’t know! Let me read my book!
Marietta: I knew I should’ve brought Amy along.
Tammy: Don’t even go there.
Marietta; She wouldn’t brush my concerns aside.
Tammy: Because you’re both southerners. You aren’t used to snow. I’m from New York, it’s second-nature to me.
Marietta: Where are we, then?
Tammy: I don’t know! I’m not flying the plane!
Pilot: This is your captain speaking.
Marietta: You summoned him!
Tammy: I fear I am more powerful than I ever suspected.
Pilot: Unexpected weather conditions have made flying too dangerous. We will be making an emergency landing at the nearest airport in Elmira, New York.
Marietta: You’re the New York expert. Where the hell’s that?
Tammy: Not in Massachusetts, that’s where.
Marietta: Did you not get enough sleep last night? What’s with the ‘tude?
Tammy: I hate planes. Now we have to land in the middle of nowhere!
Marietta: The middle of your home state!
Tammy: Yeah, some secluded hellhole in my home state! I just want to get to meet our friends in Cape Cod so we can relax!
Marietta: I didn’t make it snow, Tammy. Don’t take it out on me!
Tammy: I know you didn’t. I’m just exhausted. Now we have to find some place to stay, or at least some place top wait out this snowstorm.
Marietta: We’ll be okay. We can sleep at the airport if it takes all night.
Tammy: We’re finding a hotel.
Marietta: That works, too.
Tammy: I’m going to take a nap until this plane lands. I feel like I’m going to need it.
Marietta: Ah! Turbulence!
Tammy: Don’t mess with me like that.
Marietta: Like what?
Tammy: Lying about turbulence! I’m in a fragile state so as it is.
Marietta: I won’t do it again.
Tammy: Promise?
Marietta: Promise.
Tammy: Thank you.
Marietta: Turbulence!
Tammy: You…
One hour later…
Tammy: Okay, so the lady at the desk said that flights for today are fully canceled, they aren’t leaving at all.
Marietta: You know, I’m starting to think maybe a trip to Cape Cod in mid-November may’ve been a bad idea.
Tammy: Ellie said it’s the optimal time!
Marietta: She drinks. Far too much.
Tammy: It’s a problem.
Marietta: So we have to find a hotel, right?
Tammy: Yeah, well all the hotels in Elmira are booked up. They said that there should be rooms available in Watkins Glen.
Marietta: Where is that?
Tammy: It’s a half-hour drive up north.
Marietta: Can we do that in the snow?
Tammy: We’ll have to, unless you want to sleep on the floor.
Marietta: What if we Uber?
Tammy: You really want to subject someone else to us?
Marietta: Good point. That wouldn’t be fair at all.
Tammy: Let’s hurry and go rent a car before they’re all gone. We’re not going to be Steve Martin in Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
Marietta: All we’ll need to do is catch an Amtrak and we will sort of be him.
Tammy: Let’s avoid that. We want to get there this week, not next.
Marietta: Then ask Mother Nature to stop the snow.
One hour later…
Tammy: Oh my god, finally we get out of here. I feel like we were just in hell!
Marietta: We were.
Tammy: Airports are basically hell on earth, you’re right.
Marietta’s phone rings.
Tammy: Who is that? Whoever it is, they probably think we’re dead.
Marietta: I wish we were dead.
Tammy: Don’t say that!
Marietta: It’s Ellie.
Tammy: Okay, now I do sort of wish we were dead. She’s gonna flip!
Marietta: I’m answering. Be on your best behavior.
Tammy: No promises, it’s been a long day.
Marietta answers the phone.
Ellie: What’s going on? I heard about a storm over New York? Kate said there were flights canceled when she was at the airport.
Marietta: I’m not sure what the problem is, everything’s normal here. Tammy and I emergency landed in the middle of New York and it took us an hour to get a car rental and we now have to drive out into the snow to find a hotel to stay in overnight. That’s how it was all supposed to go, no?
Ellie: So it’s going about as badly as it could, good to hear.
Marietta: We’re trying to get there as soon as possible, I promise.
Ellie: I should let Kate know. She’s sort of still at the airport waiting for the two of you.
Marietta: She didn’t catch on by now?
Ellie: She’s very loyal, she’s like an Akita.
Marietta: I feel bad.
Ellie: Don’t, it’s not great here anyway. It’s raining.
Tammy: You have our condolences, that sounds truly apocalyptic.
Ellie: Don’t get sassy, Tammy!
Tammy: You don’t know what real bad weather is like, Ellie! Rain is nothing!
Ellie: I live in Massachusetts, I work in DC. Snow and I are familiar with one another. I’ll see you guys soon, it won’t last.
Tammy: Oh my god!
Ellie: What? I don’t think I said anything too b-
Tammy: This car!
Ellie: What’s wrong?
Marietta: Sorry, Ellie, I have to pick Tammy up off the ground.
Tammy: It’s the size of a roller skate! What’s the manufacturer on this thing, Hot Wheels?
Ellie: Freakin’ Democrats!
Tammy: You know that’s you, right?
Ellie: I was being facetious, Tammy.
Tammy: Don’t do that!
Marietta: Oh, I’m getting another call!
Ellie: That better be Kate, that way you can tell her what’s and I don’t have to! She always overreacts.
Tammy: And you never do?
Ellie: No.
Marietta: It is Kate!
Tammy: Can you put her on speakerphone so you can help me cram our luggage into this miniature car? I can’t do this myself, you’re the Tetris queen.
Marietta: All right, fine.
Ellie: Am I being hung up on?
Marietta: See you soon!
Ellie: That’s a y-
Twenty minutes later…
Marietta: Kate, I really have to go. We’re leaving the parking garage now.
Kate: Just now? Weren’t you -
Marietta: Someone had to pee.
Tammy: By “someone,” she means her!
Kate: Is that why you put me on with Tammy? You told me you had t-
Marietta: That’s not important. What’s important is that we have to get to shelter, and I can’t do thrust while we’re on the phone. See you soon!
Tammy: Is that how you hang up on people now?
Marietta: Sure is!
Kate: Bye, I guess!
Marietta: Oh, man, that was a hassle.
Tammy: You did’t hang up yet.
Marietta: Sorry, Kate! It’s been a long day!
Thirty minutes later…
Marietta: “Now entering Schuyler County” where is that?
Tammy: We’re in the right place!
Marietta: Thank god, I feel lost. It’s bad out here!
Tammy: They don’t cancel flights for a light dusting!
Marietta: Where are we even going again?
Tammy: Just follow the GPS.
Marietta: What if we just sleep in the car? I’m tired.
Tammy: You should’ve let me drive.
Marietta: That wouldn’t have been any better.
Tammy: At least I know where we are!
Marietta: I know where we are. Schuyler County!
Tammy: Work! Work! Angelica!
Marietta: Are you malfunctioning?
Tammy: Work! Work! Eliza!
Marietta: What the hell are you doing?
Tammy: It’s from Hamilton!
Marietta: I never saw it.
Tammy: Yes you did, when we were at your parents’ place for Christmas a few years ago!
Marietta: The I forgot about it. Either way, why are you singing it?
Tammy: It’s the Schuyler Sisters! We’re in Schuyler County! In a way, we’re kind of Schuyler Sisters of our own.
Marietta: Sure.
Tammy: I will never be satisfied, but at least I’m not helpless like you are.
Marietta: I think that’s a reference, I don’t know. Either way, I’m keeping my eyes on the road and just praying we can get the hell off the road and in a cozy bed.
Tammy: Marietta, it’s six PM.
Marietta: It’s been a long day. You’re said the same.
Tammy: I know, I’m just not going to crawl straight into bed. I have convictions. I can’t sleep before nine, my moral compass won’t allow it.
Marietta: It’s getting weird in here.
Tammy: It’s been.
One hour later…
Marietta: Thank god, hotel number three marked the spot!
Tammy: This has been traumatic. I’ll never smile again when I see snow.
Marietta: I don’t know why you ever liked it.
Tammy: I was younger and more naive. It won’t happen again.
Marietta: Are we leaving our luggage in the car or what? We just need a change of clothes for one night.
Tammy: I don’t care. I just want to go up to the room and watch TV. Maybe Hamilton, since we are in -
Marietta: Knock it off.
Tammy: I’ll just listen to it on Spiffy.
Marietta: Spiffy?
Tammy: The music app.
Marietta: Spotify.
Tammy: That’s not a word.
Marietta: Ugh.
Marietta’s phone rings and she answers.
Marietta: What?
Amy: What’s with that tone?
Patty Lynn: Are you dead? Is she dead?
Marietta: My god, what’s going on?
Patty Lynn: She’s dead, isn’t she?
Kathleen: You literally hear her voice. She is not dead!
Patty Lynn: A miracle!
Marietta: Amy, why is my family there?
Amy: They were worried and came to see me. They interrupted my evening tea.
Patty Lynn: You’re the acting mayor, I turned to the person with authority! I’m very concerned about my child, that’s normal!
Kathleen: Nothing about this is normal.
Tammy: There was a snowstorm, we -
Patty Lynn: Oh my god!
Tammy: Why is she so loud?
Kathleen: Right? I thought I was the only one who noticed!
Marietta: Anyway, we had an emergency landing and we’re somewhere in New York -
Tammy: Watkins Glen!
Marietta: We’re hoping to fly into Boston tomorrow.
Patty Lynn: Why didn’t you call me? I was so worried!
Marietta: It’s been a stressful day.
Kathleen: Not only for you!
Marietta: How is Sarah?
Kathleen: She’s mocking your mother, so it’s been great.
Patty Lynn: She’s a work in progress, but I love her to bits either way!
Marietta: That’s what I say about Tammy!
Tammy: Sticks and stones!
Marietta: I’m getting ready for bed, we have a long day ahead of us again. It’s been so nice talking with you and letting you know we’re alive. Talk soon!
The next morning…
Tammy: Marietta…
Marietta: What?
Tammy: How the hell were you still asleep? You went to bed so early!
Marietta: I’ve just been relaxing, and trying to avoid seeing the verdict on whether we’re going to be able to fly today.
Tammy: We’re all good! Our flight’s at eleven!
Marietta: Oh my god! We have to get out of here!
Tammy: Yeah, hence me waking you up.
Marietta: I was a bitch last night, sorry about that.
Tammy: So was I. We really need this vacation.
Marietta: Thank god we’re finally escaping the cold and getting to the tropical paradise of Cape Cod.
Tammy: What the hell was going through our minds?
Marietta: We’re never letting Ellie pick our vacation spot ever again.
Tammy: Who goes on vacation in their own home state, anyway? Freak!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
