Karl: Would you look at that weather? That’s intense out there.
Teri: Good thing we have no place to go today.
Cindy: Did you guys not know a hurricane was about to hit?
Teri: I knew! I just didn’t believe it. We never. Get hit by hurricanes.
Betty: Well, it’ happening now. This is just the start, the real storm doesn’t begin until tomorrow, and it’s going to be raining non-stop for the next four days!
Ralph: The governor -
Betty: Don’t remind me of who that is.
Ralph: declared a state of emergency, we won’t be leaving this house for a long while.
Zeke: I guess it’s good we came over here when we did, then.
Amelia: I would have liked to ride this out at home, but -
Betty: Nope! Too dangerous. No one is going anywhere!
Teri: Mom’s holding people hostage now.
Betty: Hey, we’ve got plenty of room, plenty of blankets, plenty of food -
Jerry: Plenty of wine.
Teri: Yes, there are a lot of people whining in this house.
Tammi: What are we going to do locked up in this house for lord knows how long?
Velma: Well, on Monday, you and I will be able to work. Not sure what they’re all going to do.
Mitchell: I’m going to sleep.
Velma: Shocking.
Betty: I have an idea!
Teri: This should be scary.
Betty: Big Brother ended last night.
Ralph: Thank god. One hundred days of having to hear you talk about these idiots, pure torture.
Betty: We should play our own game of Big Brother! All thirteen of us -
Amelia: There are fourteen of us.
Betty: All thirteen of us in the family
Danielle: Does that include me?
Betty: Yes!
Amelia: I’m hurt.
Betty: You’re our Julie Chen. Someone’s gotta take the votes.
Amelia: Aww, that’s sweet.
Teri: What are all thirteen of us going to do?
Betty: We’re going to compete in competitions and run through twelve thrilling weeks of gameplay while we shelter in place!
Frank: I’ve seen Big Brother sporadically. How are we going to do any competitions like on TV?
Betty: It won’t be like on TV, our competitions can be board games, video games, air hockey, stuff like that.
Teri: Fine, I’m in. It can’t be any worse than sitting around listening to Frank telling stories about his school like during the snow storm.
Frank: You find out the wildest stuff on these kids’ computers! So many memes!
Betty: What the hell is a meme?
Tammi: Steven?
Steven: We don’t have the time for me to explain this.
Karl: So when are we starting with this?
Betty: As soon as possible! Gonna be fun! I’ll go grab some games and all that. You guys brainstorm other little competitions we can use for Head of Household and Veto competitions.
Mitchell: I need someone to explain to me how this all works.
Teri: Oh, god, this’ll be a while…
One hour later…
Betty: Okay, so you got it?
Mitchell: I think so?
Betty: Okay, time for the first HOH competition! Amelia, take it away!
Amelia: Bellwoods, welcome to week one of Bellwood Big Brother!
Jerry: That’s not my last name, this is rigged.
Teri: Shut it, Jerry.
Amelia: Your first HOH competition will be a balancing contest! All of you, when I say so, will stand before us holding one of your legs up behind the other. The last to put their leg back down will be the first HOH, which, in case you forgot, is the person who will nominate you for eviction!
Mitchell: What happens if we get evicted, again?
Amelia: You have to go to the basement?
Mitchell: For how long?
Betty: Until this is over. Probably three days or so?
Mitchell: It’s going to get crowded down there.
Teri: It’s crowded up here, stop whining.
Ten minutes later…
Steven: Ah, man, my leg’s hurting. I can’t do this anymore.
Amelia: Congratulations, Danielle! You are the new Head of Household! You have ten minutes to decided your nominations before we draw players for the veto competition, which will be a game of Yahtzee.
Danielle: I already know my nominations!
Teri: Really? We haven’t even had time to form alliances or anything?
Danielle: I know who I want out.
Frank: I have a bad feeling about this.
Amelia: Okay, Danielle. Please stand up and make your nominations.
Danielle: I want you to know, I have nothing but love for bot-
Teri: Danielle, that’s final six talk. It’s week one, pretend you don’t know us.
Danielle: Mitchell, Velma, I’m nominating you.
Velma: Traitor!
Teri: Save that for week two at least, Velma.
Velma: Frank’s right there!
Danielle: Frank almost won HOH! I can’t risk him coming for me!
Velma: Idiot! You are all idiots!
Betty: This is already more interesting than the last season of the real Big Brother.
Twenty minutes later…
Velma: You knew I was a Yahtzee champion, and you still betrayed me and nominated me. Suck it! The veto is mine, and I’m using it!
Amelia: Danielle, your nomination has been vetoed, which means you have to make a replacement nominee. Go ahead.
Danielle: I always say you should trust the plan, this was the plan all along… Frank, I’m nominating you.
Amelia: Nominees, you have five minutes to talk with your fellow houseguests and try to sway their votes.
Frank: It’s not fair that Betty made up all these rules and now she gets to play.
Betty: Them’s the breaks!
Teri: Get campaigning, people! Come on, do you want to win the grand prize of one twenty-five dollar Visa gift card or not?
Frank: One-on-ones, I guess? Who can I talk to first?
Velma: Let’s chat!
Mitchell: Excuse me?
Velma: Look, man, I’ve clearly got no allies, I’m gonna wheel and deal.
Mitchell: I’m your husband!
Velma: Ugh, don’t remind me.
Karl: I think this might have been a bad idea. This will make us argue.
Ralph: Yeah, because this house was so naturally harmonious beforehand.
Three hours later…
Amelia: By a vote of eight to zero, Frank, you are evicted from your house.
Teri: Finally!
Betty: How did he last three evictions?
Frank: I’m going to guess you’re not giving me hugs on the way out?
Teri: In the words of Dionne Warwick, walk on by!
Frank: Wait… eight to zero? Tammi?
Tammi: You were nominated against my dad!
Jerry: Thank you, honey, I appreciate the support.
Frank: We’ll talk later.
Tammi: Maybe in a few days. I’m not getting evicted before this is done, I’m winning. Unlike you, my social game is strong!
Amelia: Frank, please collect your belongings and make you’re way downstairs.
Frank: My belongings? How did you expect me to get those together?
Cindy: Mitchell got his things together before he got voted out!
Frank: He grabbed a shirt and a bag of pot!
Velma: That’s all he needs!
Tammi: We’ll throw your stuff downstairs for you, honey!
Two hours later…
Ralph: Everything about that sucked.
Teri: Whose idea was it to make us stand on platforms in the rain? I know it wasn’t mom, she doesn’t even let us outside during a storm!
Amelia: All my idea! This is Big Brother!
Teri: This is Dollar Store Big Brother, we didn’t need to attempt to copy any of their competitions!
Danielle: Hey, I won, I’m happy with it!
Teri: In the words of Olivia Rodrigo… good for you!
One hour later…
Danielle: Steven has vetoed one of my nominations, so I have to make a replacement nominee, and that is… Velma.
Velma: Me? You’re joking.
Cindy: She’s not joking.
Teri: It’s over, kid.
Velma: This is outrageous.
Danielle: Velma, you are too strong of a competitor and I can’t help but to take this shot now that I have it.
Velma: You will pay.
Danielle: We’ll see.
Teri: Man, this is getting good!
Five minutes later…
Amelia: By a vote of seven to zero, Velma, you are evicted from your house.
Velma: Screw all y’all. Can I at least collect my things?
Amelia: They will be collected for you.
Velma: This is horrible.
Teri: Enjoy your time with Mitchell!
Velma: Screw you!
The next day…
Jerry: That HOH competition was not fair.
Betty: What was unfair about it?
Jerry: It was a baking competition!
Betty: Not my fault that you never help in the kitchen!
Jerry: The ent-
Cindy: Honey, don’t talk your way back onto the block.
Amelia: Yes, Betty you have five minutes to decided on your nominees!
Betty: Karl, Teri, get over here. I need your brains.
Teri: Steven’s a threat, he’s gotta go.
Betty: Steven? He’s so cute!
Karl: He nominated Teri!
Betty: That’s true. All right, who next to him?
Teri: We have to make sure he goes, because the other side will flip the vote from the intended target like in the Mitchell/Frank vote. It has to be Tammi.
Betty: You think they’d keep her over him?
Teri: They don’t have the numbers to keep him if he’s next to her.
Betty: All right, I’ll lock that in.
Teri: Good! Us and Ralph will be a majority now.
One hour later…
Amelia: Congratulations, Ralph, you have won the Power of Veto! You must now decide where to change Betty’s nominations or leave them the same. You ha-
Ralph: I don’t need any time. I’m keeping them the same.
Tammi: You’re not getting any of my green bean casserole at Thanksgiving!
Ralph: Oh my god, today keeps getting better!
Amelia: Nominees, you have fifteen minutes to meet with your fellow houseguests, get some belongings together, and prepare your speeches.
Tammi: I can’t campaign against my own child!
Steven: Well, I guess that gives me an advantage, no?
Tammi: You’re campaigning against your mother?
Steven: I just want to stay, I don’t want you to go. It’s one of us.
Tammi: I can’t believe this. Why did I agree to this?
Karl: This game is a little bit evil.
Teri: I know, isn’t it great?
Five hours later…
Teri: All right, Jerry, I love you, but you evicted Danielle and she was my strongest ally. Cindy, I can’t believe mom nominated you, but I respect the commitment to nominating a showmance together. I have to keep nominations the same.
Cindy: I knew that was coming, but it still stings.
Betty: Danielle is your number one ally?
Teri: I said strongest.
Betty: Am I not strong?
Teri: Dad…
Karl: I’m not getting involved. Can we vote?
Amelia: They have fifteen minutes!
Karl: I think our minds are made up.
Cindy: I don’t know who is going, but that really stings if it’s me!
Jerry: It’s obviously me. You’re the pawn.
Cindy: Pawns get evicted! Mitchell got evicted!
Jerry: Yeah, but… he’s annoying.
Teri: That is so true. Never send me down there with him!
Two hours later…
Ralph: Mom, Teri, I’m sorry, but I can’t use this veto. There’s no good outcome here and I don’t want dad to land on the block. Not that I care that much about this game, but at least he’s sane.
Teri: I can’t believe my ass is on the block because I lost table tennis to Tammi!
Tammi: Hey, don’t diss it! I have years of experience and it came in handy!
Teri: Speaking of handy, you think any of those dummies down there have taken this time to fix that broken light in the basement?
Cindy: I don’t even think they’re still alive down there. Do they have food?
Betty: Oh my god, I knew we were forgetting something!
Karl: Is anyone going to campaign?
Teri: Oh, right! Mom’s nuts, vote her out!
Betty: Counterpoint, I’m very funny. And charming.
Ten minutes later…
Amelia: By a vote of two to one, Teri, you are evicted from your house.
Teri: I’m leaving in silence, because it’s what you deserve.
Karl: I’m sorry, I didn’t want to sleep on the couch for the rest of my life!
Teri: Great excuse!
Thirty minutes later…
Cindy: That’s five cards, read ‘em and weep!
Amelia: That sure is five cards, congratulations, Cindy, you are the new HOH!
Betty: I didn’t underwent the rules.
Cindy: It’s Apples to Apples, what’s to understand?
Betty: I’m just upset, okay? Really upset. And disappointed.
Cindy: Well, I’m nominating you and Ralph, so prepare to get even more disappointed.
One hour later…
Amelia: By a vote -
Ralph: I already know.
Amelia: Of one to one, we have a tie.
Ralph: Ooh, I don’t know!
Amelia: Cindy, as Head of Household, you will now cast the tie-breaking vote.
Cindy: We are in the home stretch of this game, and I feel like one of you is guaranteed to win if you’re sitting in the final two. Mom, I’m so sorry, I have to evict you.
Betty: Your own mother? You take out your mom?
Cindy: I know! I’m s-
Betty: Who voted to keep me?
Karl: It was always me, sweetheart.
Betty: Give them hell.
Ralph: What did I do?
Betty: You should have laid down and died for me!
Ralph: That’s a concerning mindset.
Three hours later…
Amelia: Cindy, as Veto winner, you are now allowed to veto one of Karl’s nominations.
Cindy: With all due respect to my daughter, I’ll be using the veto on myself.
Amelia: Ralph, that means you have been automatically nominated for eviction.
Ralph: Of course it does!
Amelia: Karl, as HOH, you do not get a vote. Houseguests, you may make your last minute please to Cindy before we return for a vote in five minutes.
Ralph: Just give me enough time to get a change of clothes and a book together for overnight..
The next day…
Amelia: It all comes down to this! Karl won part one of our HOH competition, and Cindy won part two. You will now be answering trivia questions about the six members of our jury.
Cindy: I’m screwed, I don’t like these people.
Karl: Two days of this is all it took?
Cindy: Most of them were on thin ice to begin with, if I’m being honest.
Ten minutes later…
Amelia: Karl, congratulations! You must now decide who you are brining to the final two!
Cindy: Dad… I’m your kid!
Karl: Don’t guilt trip me, you evicted your mother.
Cindy: Is it me?
Karl: I haven’t decided.
Cindy: It’s me.
Karl: It’s not you, not for sure.
Cindy: It’s me.
Five minutes later…
Amelia: Please welcome back our jury! Steven, Danielle, Jerry, Teri, Betty, Ralph, and… Cindy!
Teri: Cindy? Wow! I now believe in karma!
Cindy: Oh, don’t get me started on karma! You stabbed everyone in the ba-
Amelia: No arguing! Let’s allow our final two to give their final speeches on why they should win the grand prize. Tammi, you’re first.
Tammi: Hi, family! Welcome back upstairs! I want to say, I played an honest game, I tried to stick with my little alliance, which ended up dominating the second half of the season after some real struggles at the start. I was a big part of that domination, I won challenges and I was able to strategize with my team on who were the biggest threats on the other side. I am a story of survival and strength in the face of adversity, and I believe I played the best game.
Amelia: Karl. you’re up!
Karl: With all due respect to Tammi, I would like to say that hitching your wagon to a dominant alliance is not as impressive as surviving multiple weeks with your alliance out of power without even getting a single nomination. I was never on the block, because even people I wasn’t aligned with saw me as someone they could trust. I used my reputation to my advantage, and I won strategically when I had to. Even when my closest allies were evicted, I kept my head up and let it pass like water off a duck’s back. I may not have won the most competitions, I may not have had the most alliances, but I worked my butt off to get here, and I did exactly what I needed to ensure I would be here. I deserve this victory.
Amelia: All right! Jurors, it’s time to write down the name of the houseguest you believe should win.
Five minutes later…
Amelia: Cindy has cast her vote for… Karl. Ralph has cast his vote for… Karl. Betty has cast her vote for… Karl. Teri has cast her vote for… congratulations, Karl, you have won Bellwood Big Brother!
Karl: Thank you all, this has made it all worth it!
Teri: My god, we can finally get out of this house! I can’t stand you people!
Cindy: Teri… we live here. Together.
Velma: And the storm is still going strong.
Teri: Ah, dammit.
Betty: We can do another season to pass the time.
Teri: No!
Cindy: Yeah, uh… no.
