Aimee is in a meeting of the Senate Republican Conference.
Greg: Everyone, we are so glad you’re all back home from the Thanksgiving break with vim and vigor.
Harry: However… we need you to shut up. We have business to get to.
Greg: I’d have gone with a bit more tact there, senator, but the point was accurate.
Senator Maurine Jordan: Can we get to it, guys? Some of us have actual work to get to today rather than using cushy leadership positions as excuses to not do any constituent work.
Senator Janie Emmer: You’re from Idaho, what constituents? Potatoes?
Maurine: And you’re from Iowa! You’re constituents are corn!
Greg: Ladies! No one lives in either of your states, and that’s the beauty of them.
Harry: Seriously, though, we should get to the point.
Greg: It’s nearly the turn of the year, and that means new elections and chances to break the Democrats’ functional supermajority.
Janie: They wouldn’t have a functional supermajority if three of our own senators weren’t always voting with them.
Lynette: I do not!
Janie: I didn’t mean you, but you’re not exactly a fitting representative of Wyoming, now that you mention it.
Maurine: The Democrats got like forty percent of the vote in her election, and she took that as Wyoming saying they wanted her to vote with the Democrats forty percent of the time.
Lynette: I’m tired of being picked on, folks.
Aimee: She was talking about me, and I think also Sharon and Olivia.
Senator Olivia Stowe: You can ask me to go against my principals and be a hardliner Republican, but I’m not going to actually do that, not ever.
Janie: No, you prefer to be a hardliner “Whatever Sharon is not doing” sort of voter.
Olivia: Grossly untrue and unfair.
Janie: I’d beg to differ.
Senator Sharon Campbell: You do always like to be different from me, because of a petty rivalry you’ve made up in your head, but that’s besides the point. The three of us are from deep blue states, why endanger ourselves by sticking our necks out to make unpopular votes? It’s not like we ever allow for a veto override or anything, we’re the only three members who actually vote based on our feelings on a bill and not on our party ID. You don’t know how much it killed me to just praise Olivia there, but I somewhat did, because it’s the God’s honest truth.
Janie: Because it’s about unity! You three going rogue makes us look like losers.
Lynette: Ha! Unity? What a joke!
Geraldine: Ladies, ladies! Knock it the “heel” off!
Lynette: Did you just say “heel?”
Geraldine: I’m from Oklahoma, it’s how we talk! And it’s besides the point!
Harry: Glad to see we’re keeping the conference in line.
Greg: Everyone, this was supposed to be no more than an electoral strategy meeting. I don’t know how it’s devolved into infighting, but let’s move away from that. How can we win in 2024?
Lynette: Have we tried acting less insane?
Janie: Just switch parties already! You know you want to!
Lynette: Oh, because I don’t support advocating for -
Greg: Enough! No one say anything unless you have a genuine interest in helping us strategize.
Geraldine: Yes, as NRSC Chair, I could always use suggestions.
Aimee: As the only person to flip a Senate seat in the last cycle -
Janie: What, are you gonna suggest we try to get the Democrats to nominate more murderers for Senate? I done’t think they’re going to oblige on that one.
Aimee: Do you always have to be a cynical asshole?
Geraldine: This is all so unnecessary, from the both of you!
Lynette: It feels pretty necessary to me on Aimee’s end. To paraphrase Chicago, because I’m something of a gay ally, she had it coming, she only has herself to blame!
Senator Kylie Sylvan: I’m sorry, did I wander into the wrong room again?
Greg: How did you even get in here, senator? The door’s locked.
Kylie: I’m just that good.
Harry: This is the Republican conference meeting.
Kylie: Okay, right, cool. I’m definitely in the wrong place.
Harry: You’re a Democrat, so, I’d say so.
Kylie: Should I get going or…?
Geraldine: Make like an egg and scramble!
Greg: So, where were we?
Lynette: Aren’t you worried she overheard all that strategizing we were doing?
Maurine: You don’t have to be a smartass about it, Chafee.
Lynette: That wasn’t the intention!
Maurine: If you expect me to believe that, you must take me for a fool.
Greg: So, 2024! Come on, guys!
Janie: We need to highlight the strong conservative bona fides of our candidates. Show that they’re all going to put the Constitution and the American way above all else and lead with a conservative hand.
Sharon: Because that worked out so well in 2022…
Janie: What’s with all the liberals in here? Was Sylvan in the right place all along?
Geraldine: Don’t say her name! She might hear it and come running back!
Olivia: You’re from Iowa, Janie. You know what happened to that other Iowa seat in 2022?
Janie: You don’t have to remind me?
Olivia: I don’t know about that. You say it’s still in your mind, and yet here you are, wanting to campaign on culture wars rather than on the actual issues voters care about.
Janie: And what would that be?
Greg: I’m also curious, but not in a a snarky way like Janie. I really want to know.
Olivia: People want us to talk about how we’re going to work to pay less at the pump, paw lower taxes, fight to defend their rights, and lower the cost of living by combatting inflation. No one wants us to run on taking away contraceptives or getting rid of gay marriage and abortion or banning RuPaul’s Drag Race! Those are loser issues for us, stop talking about them!
Janie: There’s no proof of that!
Olivia: We lost eight seats last year. Including one in freakin’ Alaska!
Greg: So Senator Stowe says we need to pivot to the center.
Olivia: At least in the messaging, yes.
Janie: Nonsense!
Maurine: Even I’m finding you annoying, Janie. Dial it back a bit.
Aimee receives a phone call.
Aimee: I’m sorry, I have to take this.
Greg: That’s fine. It’s not like anything important is happening anyway, just us answering our own question as to why everyone and their mother thinks the Senate is Safe Democrat in 2024.
Aimee steps out of the room and answers the phone.
Aimee: What’s up?
Denise: Bit of a crisis, Aimee.
Aimee: That’s nothing new.
Denise: I’m serious.
Aimee: Is it enough of a crisis that I need to learn of it in person or can you tell me over the phone and we’ll assess our path forward from there?
Denise: Delilah and I may have started a small fire in the office.
Aimee: Well, put it out!
Denise: You think I didn’t do that before giving you a ring?
Aimee: You accepted a job on my joke of a campaign, I really can’t trust your judgment, Denise!
Denise: And you won! You’re welcome!
Aimee: Thank god for attempted homicide.
Denise: Let’s not say that in public.
Aimee: I’ll tell you what, this conference meeting is an absolute bust and I wanted out anyway. I’ll tell them I had an emergency at my office and that I have to tend to it.
Denise: Okay, see you soon!
Aimee hangs up and returns to the conference room.
Janie: No, we should expel you from the Senate!
Lynette: Why? Is it a crime to love America so much?
Olivia: Would you both just shut up?
Maurine: Yeah, you’re both annoying as hell, you don’t have to try to outdo one another.
Aimee: What did I walk into?
Geraldine: Hell on earth.
Aimee: There’s an emergency in my office that I have to tend to, I’m sorry but I’ll have to skip out early.
Geraldine: No, we’re losing the only normal one!
Aimee: I know, it’s sad!
Greg: What’s going on? We could send Lynette instead!
Aimee: Some sort of fire, I’m not sure how bad it is but I need to be there.
Greg: I didn’t hear about a fire. It can’t be that ba-
Harry: Let her go, son.
Greg: You’re two years older than me.
Harry: Well, you’re not acting like that’s the case right now. Don’t beg.
In Aimee’s office…
Denise: So, it’s not that bad, right?
Aimee: How on earth did this happen?
Delilah: Candles and paper filing don’t mix. At all.
Aimee: Do I have to ask why they were mixed to begin with?
Delilah: It’s Christmas, we wanted to try out our new candles.
Aimee: Goodness.
Denise: Needless to say, we should’ve waited for that until office hours were over.
Aimee: It’s only the one part of the wall with major fire damage.
Denise: That’s why I’m not too concerned. We can get this repaired.
Delilah: Don’t forget the water damage! And the files that are lost now!
Denise: Yes, Delilah, please go ahead and point that out. Really give her reasons to be angry.
Aimee: It’s fine. I really don’t care that much, I know you’ll get it resolved. In fact, I appreciate you doing it, because it’s giving me a bit of peace. I have, like, ten minutes to relax until my meeting with Hagelin and Wilson.
Denise: Oh, that’s been postponed to the first.
Aimee: The first? In a week?
Denise: Aimee, that’s four days away.
Aimee: No!
Denise: Yes.
Aimee: Uh-oh.
Denise: I know, the year’s flying by.
Aimee: I forgot… something.
Denise: What?
Aimee: My wedding anniversary is the twenty-fifth.
Denise: My god! Aimee!
Aimee: I’ve been swamped! First it was Thanksgiving, then we had to rush back for the emergency stopgap bill, and now all these meetings and you’re burning my office down and -
Denise: Don’t blame my recklessness today for you forgetting your anniversary yesterday!
Aimee: What am I going to do?
Denise: Clearly he didn’t mention anything to you about it. He probably understands that you’re busy and isn’t holding it against you.
Aimee: I didn’t even call him yesterday. I haven’t spoken to him since Friday.
Denise: Is he not in DC?
Aimee: I left unexpectedly, only aunt Victoria came with, because she’s practically my shadow.
Delilah: Is she the old lady in the leopard print that was wandering around here earlier?
Aimee: Oh, yeah. I think Carolyn took her off my hands, thank god. I love her, but good lord. Sometimes people need space.
Denise: So about Dave.
Aimee: Right! Love him.
Denise: I’d hope so.
Aimee: I have to figure out something special for him.
Carolyn: Aimee! I need to get work done and Victoria won’t leave me a-
Victoria: Carolyn! Where’d you go?
Aimee (whispering): Tell her I’m not here!
Denise: Sorry, Carolyn, Aimee’s not in! She’s got a very packed schedule today!
Carolyn: Well, uh, let me know when she’s back in.
Denise: Drop her off with Alec, he’d love to hang with her!
Carolyn: Great idea!
Aimee walks to her office and calls her parents. Kimmy answers.
Kimmy: Yello!
Aimee: I hate when you say that.
Kimmy: Hence why I say it.
Aimee: How do you always answer the phone when I’m trying to get mom or dad?
Kimmy: Have you met mom and dad? They’re extremely old. I don’t think you should be too shocked that a twenty year old is able to beat them to the phone.
Aimee: They are not! Well…
Kimmy: What’s going on?
Cherie: Hey! Is that Aimee?
Ernesto: I think so!
Aimee: Are you all on different lines?
Cherie: It is Aimee!
Aimee: How am I related to all of you?
Kimmy: Adoption.
Aimee: Only to you. I’ve got a real genetic relation to these two, so help me God.
Cherie: So what’s up dear?
Ernesto: I just hear an echo!
Cherie: Hang up!
Ernesto: What?
Cherie: Hang up!
Ernesto: Echo!
Cherie: HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE, ERNESTO FERRERA!
Kimmy: You’re two rooms apart, if he can’t hear that…
Ernesto: I’m hanging up now. Aimee, I love you!
Aimee: I love you too, dad!
Cherie: SHE SAID SHE LOVES YOU, TOO!
Kimmy: They’re having a normal one.
Cherie: Have they gone senile since I last saw them? You know, two days ago?
Kimmy: No, they’re just learned you can use multiple lines on the phone at once. They’re still sort of figuring it out.
Cherie: Sorry about that, dear. So what are you calling about? It’s usually some sort of crisis, so I’m assuming -
Aimee: I forgot my anniversary.
Cherie: Oh no.
Kimmy (singing): Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today…
Cherie: Don’t even!
Kimmy: I’m just saying, I would…
Cherie: Thankfully, men don’t think that way! They know it’s usually what they do and they don’t hold grudges about it.
Kimmy: I was kidding! Dave’s obsessed with her. He’s probably moping about being forgotten, but he’ll get over it.
Cherie: He’ll understand.
Aimee: You know, when I think about it, he didn’t call me, either.
Cherie: Divorce him!
Aimee: Mom!
Cherie: Sorry, sorry.
Aimee: Maybe he forgot, too.
Kimmy: He’s pissed! He should be!
Aimee: You two are not comforting.
Cherie: We rarely are.
Kimmy: You know not to call us to clam you down. You call us to feed into your wildest fears
Cherie: She’s not wrong.
Aimee: Anyway, what I’m really calling about was to have you make a reservation for me tonight.
Cherie: Can you do that?
Aimee: I can’t call a local restaurant from DC, they’d think I’m insane. I want a table at La Lucia’s at 7 PM for two. And In need you guys to watch the kids.
Cherie: On it! However, I do have questions about how you’re getting to that reservation whilst in DC.
Aimee: I’m taking the first flight out of here. I need to surprise him in person to make up for this.
Cherie: Aww, that’s sweet! Young love!
Kimmy: They’re not that young. Maybe to you.
Aimee: Thanks for the pep talk, Kimmy.
Kimmy: Any time!
Later that night, at Aimee’s house…
Dave: Oh my God! Honey! You’re lucky I didn’t have the gun, I would’ve shot you!
Aimee: Are you that mad at me?
Dave: I was in the shower and I come in to see a person here when I thought my wife was across the country!
Aimee: I wish In could’ve been in that shower.
Dave: Honey, the kids are right here…
Aimee: No, I mean I feel disgusting. Airplanes are gross!
Dave: You’re not exactly blazing new trails with that statement, honey.
Aimee: I’m so sorry.
Dave: About what?
Aimee: You really forgot our anniversary? How dare you?
Dave: What?
Aimee: Yesterday was our anniversary and you have nothing to say?
Dave: Did you come across the country just to say that?
Aimee: No! I came to apologize for not remembering yesterday! I was expecting you to be mad about that!
Dave: I was trying to be understanding. Do you want me to yell?
Aimee: No. I have a romantic surprise for you! My parents are co-
Dave: Please don’t follow up “romantic surprise” with “my parents.” It’s… no bueno.
Aimee: They’re coming over to watch the kids, we’re going out for dinner so I can make it up to you for not remembering yesterday.
Dave: That’s really sweet. I love that! You really didn’t have to fly across the country to apologize, though. You mean everything to me, and part of that means that you’re understanding of someone’s mistakes.
Aimee: God, I love you. Don’t love that you seem to have also forgotten, but I love you. Now, dinner. I didn't take a cross-country flight just to miss it because we got caught up in chitchat.
Dave: Yes, my love.
What did you think of this episode of Evergreen Aimee? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
