Gretchen is meeting with Hank and Jeanne in her office when they hears a scream.
Hank: What was that?
Gretchen: What was what?
Jeanne: It sounded like a scream.
Gretchen: I’m sure it was nothing.
Hank: What if someone’s hurt?
Gretchen: Look at you, showing care for other human beings. I must have entered the Twilight Zone.
Hank: Are you insinuating that I don’t care about others?
Gretchen: Anyway, so, the highway bill.
Hank: Are we ignoring the scream? That’s what we’re doing.
Gretchen: Go check and see what it was if you’re so concerned.
Hank: I’m just worried that there’s someone here with a gun or something.
Gretchen: I don’t want to hear that from you, you killed my gun control bill.
Gretchen’s office door swings open.
Susana: Did you guys hear that scream?
Gretchen: Not you, too…
Carol: It sounded to me like Samantha.
Gretchen: Samantha? Robots don’t scream.
Jeanne: That’s rude. She’s not a robot, she’s more a… yeah, she’s a robot.
Gretchen: She must’ve seen some of her poll numbers!
Jeanne: What do you mean?
Gretchen: Should I tell her? Nah, I shouldn’t. It’’d be too cruel to Sammy.
Hank: I’m lost.
Gretchen: Fine, I’ll tell you. Samantha is down twenty points in the latest poll - forty-seven to twenty-five.
Jeanne: That’s twenty-two points, actually.
Gretchen: Close enough.
Hank: She’s been in the race for months and is only at twenty-five percent as a sitting LG? Yikes…
Susana: Even Hank could do better than that!
Hank: Thank you!
Jeanne: Don’t think it was meant to be a compliment, bud.
Susana: ’Twas not!
Hank: Let me take it how I want.
Samantha walks into the office.
Gretchen: Does no one knock anymore?
Samantha: Are you all talking about me? Are you all calling me crazy for screaming like a banshee? Are you all calling me a loser? Are you all -
Gretchen: No one was calling you any of those things, but you are giving us a lot of ammo now.
Jeanne: We’re just talking about highways.
Samantha: I have ears, Jeanne. I know “even Hank could do better than that” is not something you’d realistically expect to hear during a conversation about highways. A conversation, by the way, that I was purposely left out of!
Gretchen: Because, knowing you, you’d purposely try to distract me and stall any attempts at progress on the bill to hurt my re-election odds. Not that you really stand much to gain from that at this point, considering, you know…
Samantha: You were talking about me.
Gretchen: You are so vain!
Samantha: Listen, Carly Simon, I am having a moment of vulnerability and I don’t want to be mocked for it.
Gretchen: Why did you interrupt our meeting then?
Samantha: I wanted to be included in it!
Hank: I don’t see the harm, Gretchen.
Gretchen: I know what this is. This is psychological warfare. You all know the only way to stop my re-election is to sabotage me and you’re helping Samantha out. You’re good.
Jeanne: We genuinely want to help you pass this bill to fund highway repairs. I promise.
Gretchen: Your word means very little -
Carol: Gretchen, come on.
Gretchen: However, I will accept your request to bring Pratt into the conversation, as I am reasonable. I’m also kind, and I want to give her some last memories before I beat her and send her out of elected office.
Jeanne: You’ve always been so generous.
Gretchen: And, Carol.
Carol: Yes?
Gretchen: Keep the doors locked from now on. For security purposes.
Samantha: So, the highway bill!
Gretchen: That’s my line!
Samantha: I’ll be taking a lot more than just your line, just you wait!
Gretchen: Dream on!
Later that day, at Gretchen’s house…
Christina: Mom, you look unreasonably chipper today.
Lucinda: She’s twirling around like she’s Cinderella. Or the town drunk.
Gretchen: Where’s your father? I want hime here when I tell you all the good news.
Anthony: Right here, dear. In the kitchen.
Gretchen: Aww, you’re making dinner!
Lucinda: No, no he’s not.
Anthony: Looking for the number for the pizza place.
Gretchen: That’s good enough. Should make Toby happy, too. He loves his pizza.
Toby: I want a cannoli, dad!
Gretchen: Okay, now he’s getting greedy.
Toby: I love cannoli!
Gretchen: I know, I’m only joking.
Christina: So, why are you happy? You’re usually not happy.
Gretchen: That was mean.
Lucinda: The girl’s right.
Gretchen: Anthony, come here. Let’s all sit in the living room and chat.
Christina: Did someone die? Someone you hate?
Lucinda: Is it Bethany?
Gretchen: I love aunt Bethany!
Lucinda: Oh, that’s right. It’s me that hates her.
Gretchen: You do not hate aunt Bethany, you just hate when she beats you at Scrabble.
Lucinda: She cheats!
Anthony: Reading the dictionary the night before you play is not cheating!
Gretchen: We’re drifting from my point now.
Anthony: Sorry, my love. Continue.
Christina: I feel nauseous.
Gretchen: I have received incredible news. I am leading Samantha Pratt my over twenty points in the latest poll. Even better is that Im nearly at fifty percent of all registered Democrats and independents. It looks like I am going to keep my job!
Lucinda: Why, though? You’re not very good at it.
Gretchen: You are so cruel.
Lucinda: It was a joke! A joke!
Christina: Grandma, we need to get you some comedy classes.
Lucinda: You just don’t understand my impeccable sense of humor.
Gretchen: I’m going to ignore your cruel “joke” and continue to bask in the glory of my impending re-election. I’m not even going to go to my room and sob about it tonight before bed.
Christina: How often do you do that?
Gretchen: Often! Shut up!
Christina: You're right, mom. You should be re-elected. You’re very normal.
Gretchen: Compared to most people in politics, I am!
Lucinda: Compared to most people in the county jail, I’m not worthy of going to hell.
Anthony: You two are ruining her special moment. I’m excited for you, honey. I know how much you love your job.
Christina: Does she though? She seems to hate it very much. She’s always complaining about Hank and Jeanne and Sam Pratt.
Gretchen: I love the job! I just hate those three obstructionist maniacs.
Christina: They’re a pretty integral part of the job, no?
Gretchen: I have my plans for them!
Lucinda: Just don’t kill them, honey. I won’t visit you in jail.
Gretchen: I’ve never wanted to commit homicide more.
Christina: I should hide the knives.
Meanwhile, at the Rhode Island State House…
Jeanne: Thank you for staying around so we could talk.
Hank: I can’t stay long, my wife might start to think we’re having an affair or something.
Jeanne: But you are having an affair…
Hank: Not with you!
Jeanne: Moving past that… I wanted to ask you for some campaign advice.
Hank: You’ve been in office for over twenty years, no one ever runs against you, how much campaign advice could you need?
Jeanne: It’s not about advice about running for my state senate seat. I am seriously considering launching a campaign against Gretchen.
Hank: You?
Jeanne: Why not me? I have experience, I have the temperament, I have the connections.
Hank: Again. You?
Jeanne: Do you disagree with my assessment?
Hank: You are experienced, and you have connections.
Jeanne: What’s wrong with my temperament?
Hank: I said nothing about your temperament.
Jeanne: That’s the concerning part.
Hank: Look, Jeanne. I like you. A lot of people here like you. I think the race is pretty crowded so as it is.
Jeanne: There are two candidates.
Hank: Is the goal here not to defeat Gretchen? I think you and Sam would only split the vote. Not to mention, she’d be furious with you.
Jeanne: She’s a big girl, she’d get over it.
Hank: Focus on the first point I made, then. Aren’t you worried you’d split the vote and make Gretchen win?
Jeanne: You saw the polls, Gretchen’s at forty-seven percent already. She’s going to win regardless without a big shakeup. I can be that shakeup.
Hank: I didn’t run in this race because the exploratory committee I formed did not pan out the way I was hoping. All the signs pointed to Pratt being a stronger challenger to Gretchen. The highest I polled in any internal poll was nine percent.
Jeanne: We’re not the same, Hank.
Hank: We’re not? Could’ve fooled me.
Jeanne: I also formed an exploratory committee.
Hank: And you didn’t tell me?
Jeanne: Anyway, I had some positive signs. I beat Samantha in one poll. She’s had gaffe after gaffe on the campaign trail. I can beat her and I can beat Gretchen.
Hank: How?
Jeanne: Gretchen’s a bad debater. Plus, I have a few other tricks up my sleeve!
Hank: One debate can’t change everything. You don’t have nearly the name recognition she has. And what tricks?
Jeanne: Stop being a Debbie Downer!
Hank: I’m not trying to be. I don’t want you to embarrass yourself. You just have to wait for years and you get a clear shot at it again.
Jeanne: I want to beat her! I want that satisfaction.
Hank: It sounds like you’ve made your mind up already.
Jeanne: Because I have! I don’t trust your advice nearly enough for it to be the sole reason I run or don’t run. I just needed someone to talk to and that was you, old pal!
Hank: I can’t endorse you. You know that, right?
Jeanne: You can if you really want!
Hank: I have no desire to deal with Samantha trying to strangle me.
Jeanne: What a snowflake.
Two days later, at Gretchen’s office…
Gretchen: Give me the bad news, Carol.
Carol: How did you guess there’s bad news?
Gretchen: I can see it in your eyes.
Carol: Jeanne’s stopped all negotiations on the highway bill. She’s not willing to go forward with it at all, and she says she won’t put it to a vote even if it passes the House.
Gretchen: Well, that’s not great.
Susana: I don’t know what she’s aiming to do, but it isn’t good.
Carol: It sounds, to me, like an attempt to derail Gretchen’s re-election campaign.
Gretchen: Jeanne? Being a sneak? Come on Carol, think rationally!
Carol: I will admit, it’s hard to believe.
Gretchen: The only question I have is why she’d want to derail me now. Why not months ago? Why start talks about the bill in the first place?
Susana: What if she’s running for governor? Maybe she saw an opening, given how low Pratt’s poll numbers are.
Gretchen: Does anyone in this state even know who she is? The lieutenant govern doesn’t do anything, but people at least see Samantha on TV at events. Does Jeanne make public appearances?
Carol: The primary isn’t for another few months, she has time to campaign and meet people. The whole state’s small enough to drive through in an hour, campaigning won’t be a problem if she has the money.
Gretchen: Who would give Jeanne money? What’s her platform? “Things Can’t Get Better?” “Progress is for Suckers?” “Make Rhode Island Regress Again?” I don’t see her lane.
Carol: Maybe she’s just trying one last attempt to boost Samantha’s campaign. She does hate you very much.
Susana: Enough to make Samantha governor? I don’t think anyone could hate Gretchen that much.
Carol: They’re friends. Not everyone hates Pratt.
Susana: Just most people.
Gretchen: I don’t want to interrupt this very important conversation about the world’s most annoying person, but how to we fix this situation? Is there any way to pass the bill without her?
Carol: I don’t think this is something you could legally enforce via executive action. Unless Jeanne stops being such a hard-ass, the bill is dead.
Susana: Who needs highways, anyway? You’re doing a fine job as governor, even with crappy roads.
Carol: The irony of a state named Rhode Island having horrible roads is not lost on me.
Susana: There you go again, talking about irony. My mother is practically Alanis Morissette.
Carol (singing, off-pitch): It’s like rai-
Gretchen: A woman threatened to strangle me and throw me into Narragansett Bay because potholes keep damaging her car and I haven’t personally re-paved every road in Rhode Island.
Carol: If you could tell her to strangle Jeanne instead for holding up the bill, that would solve a lot of our problems!
Later that day, at Gretchen’s…
Lucinda: Why do you always have to leave the TV on while we’re eating? It distracts from the conversation!
Christina: You don’t like Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives? Okay, I’ll turn on the local news…
Anthony: Perhaps, Lucinda, she doesn’t want to hear you berate her while she tries to enjoy homemade chicken cacciatore?
Lucinda: Homemade? Ha!
Toby: It is homemade, grandma. I saw dad make it.
Lucinda: You saw him reheat it after buying it at Shaw’s.
Gretchen: Just shut up and eat it, okay? I’ve had a rough day and don’t need you starting petty fights.
Lucinda: You never tell your mother to shut up!
Gretchen: All right. Shush up.
Lucinda: That’s better.
Anthony: How was your dad, honey?
Lucinda: Well, I -
Gretchen: He was talking to me! And it was awful! Jeanne is sabotaging me because she’s the devil!
Anthony: What’d she do now? Put laxatives in your coffee? Pass a bill to change the slogan to “Gretchen Raymond Thinks We’re Connecticut’s Butthole?”
Gretchen: No, she’s decided we don’t need highways in working order anymore.
Lucinda: Stick it to the Bostonians, I like it.
Christina: How do bad roads here impact the people of Bosnia and Herzegovina?
Gretchen: This is not a joking matter! She’s screwing me!
Lucinda: Well, as long as you use protection, have at it.
Gretchen: Mom! That is repulsive!
Christina: I feel ill.
Toby: What does that mean?
Lucinda: You haven’t had the talk with him yet? Gretchen!
Anthony: Mind your business or you’re living with Eddie.
Lucinda: Sorry Gretchen, no more jokes.
Christina: Hey, speaking of Jeanne, she on the news right now!
Anthony: Turn it up!
Lucinda: See, aren’y you glad I complained about Guy Fieri now?
Jeanne: People of Rhode Island, I will be a governor for you. I will be the leader you need in these turbulent times. After multiple administrations defined by incompetence and malfeasance, I will steer this state in the right direction.
Christina: The right-wing direction, that is.
Jeanne: It’s time to take back our state, and move on from the radical politicians who care more about the people that bankroll their campaigns than the people they’re supposed to serve - their constituents. Governor Raymond has gone years without improving healthcare, or roads -
Gretchen: Are you fu-
Lucinda: Shh!
Jeanne: She hasn’t done anything to make life easier for everyday Rhode Islanders. I will.
Gretchen: Turn it off, I’ve had more than enough.
Anthony: So, how’s everyone enjoying dinner?
Gretchen: Why could we not have just kept watching Guy Fieri? I don’t think he’s doing to launch a primary campaign against me!
Christina: Being the Mayor of Flavortown is a full-time job that only he can do.
The next day, at Gretchen’s office…
Susana: Are you really watching that again?
Gretchen: I’m jut trying to pick up on all the lies she managed to throw in here in the course of about five minutes. It’s remarkable, in a way.
Susana: You have a visitor.
Gretchen: I’ve got no idea who you’re talking about, but I know it’s bad. Whether it’s Hank, or Jeanne, or my mother…
Samantha: Can we talk?
Gretchen: Carol, get the gun.
Samantha: Unfortunately for you, I know you’re anti-gun and don’t have a - ah!
Susana: It’s just a prop, don’t worry.
Gretchen: Damn you!l
Susana: I’m tying to avoid a lawsuit!
Carol: I have one in my car, let me go get it.
Samantha: Can we just talk like adults?
Gretchen: Fine…
Samantha follows Gretchen into her office.
Gretchen: Why are you doing this to me? Haven’t I been punished enough?
Samantha: Are you not pissed about Jeanne?
Gretchen: Obviously! Why do you think I’m so upset about having to see you? Enough crap’s been happening to me.
Samantha: I feel betrayed by her! She’s stabbed me in the back!
Gretchen: I wonder what that feels like.
Samantha: This is not the same as what I did to you.
Gretchen ’Tis not?
Samantha: You and I were by no definition “friends.” Jeanne and I were.
Gretchen: You still stabbed me in the back and didn’t have the decency to tell me you were running!
Samantha: Do you know who Olivia Rodrigo is?
Gretchen: I’m a middle-aged mom who listens to the radio everyday on her way to work. Yes, I know who Olivia Rodrigo is.
Samantha: She has a song called Traitor and I’ve listened to it like twenty times since yesterday. Jeanne betrayed me!
Gretchen: You know, just workshop that a little bit and it could be a good debate line.
Samantha: Oh, god. The debate! Is she going to be there?
Gretchen: Well, it’s in two weeks. As long as she can qualify for it in that time, we’ll get to yell at her on the stage.
Samantha: I don’t understand why she’d doing this.
Gretchen: As someone who’s never liked her, I’ll tell you why. She’s a bitch!
Samantha: That’s not very nice!
Gretchen: Politics isn’t very nice. You’d think you would know a thing or two about that.
Samantha: I’m nice!
Gretchen: To?
Samantha: I’ve disagreed with you, but I’ve always been kind.
Gretchen: Ha! I think it’s time you get out of my office before you make me laugh so hard, I go into cardiac arrest.
Samantha: See you at the big debate, I guess.
Gretchen: We work in the same building. Unfortunately, we will see one another at some point over the next two weeks.
What did you think of the midseason premiere of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
