Raymond Island Season 3 Episode 9 - Enemy of My Enemy

Raymond Island Season 2, Episode 9
Enemy of My Enemy

Gretchen is in the dining room when Christina walks in.

Christina: Hey, mom. You see the latest polls?

Gretchen: Why does no one ever talk to me about anything other than politics? Just once, I’d like someone to ask me if I’ve had anything good to eat lately or if I’ve seen that show on HBO Max about Julia Child. Anything but politics! Do you want to think about your job 24/7? Oh, wait. You don’t have a job.

Lucinda: Ha! Good one, Gretch!

Gretchen: Thanks, ma. I can always count on you to support me.

Lucinda: Even I know that’s a load.

Gretchen: I’m trying to be nice.

Lucinda: No, you were being sarcastic. Own up to it! I respect it when people own up to their rudeness.

Christina: Anyway, mother, have you watched the new show about Julia Child?

Gretchen: No, I forgot my HBO Max password. But I do appreciate the question, thanks for asking it!

Christina: Did you request a new password?

Gretchen: I’m a very busy woman, Christina. You know, I’m in the middle of somewhat of a tense primary battle right now.

Christina: You are an idiot.

Anthony: Christina! You never talk to your mother like that!

Christina: You weren’t here for it all! She gave me crap for asking about politics, then used politics as an excuse for not resetting her HBO Max password!

Anthony: You still don’t call your mother an idiot! You are too old to not know better!

Toby: Even I know not to call mom names!

Lucinda: Yeah, Christina. That’s MY job!

Christina: Anyway, mom, you’re up twenty points over Jeanne while Samantha is in the single digits. You’re welcome. Now, I’m going to my room because you people are all batshit insane!

Lucinda: Yeah, so is everyone that resides in your room.

Gretchen: Good one, mom.

Anthony: Gretchen, must you encourage her?

Gretchen: This is the one thing we bond over, let me have this!

The next day, in Gretchen’s office…

Carol: Have you seen the new poll, Gretchen?

Gretchen: “Hello, Gretchen.” “How’s your morning going, Gretchen?” “Why are you here on time for once, Gretchen?” “Screw you, Gretchen.”

Carol: How are you on this fine morning, Gretchen?

Gretchen: Thank you, that’s all I ask for. I’m doing well.

Susana: That’s not all you ask for.

Carol: So, Gretchen, have you seen the poll?

Gretchen: Yeah, Christina made a big deal about it last night.

Carol: You’re at forty percent.

Gretchen: Well, there are three of us in the race.

Carol: You know forty is less than fifty, right?

Gretchen: I’m not three!

Susana: No, but that’s about what Samantha is polling at!

Gretchen: People don’t like it when you do Olivia Rodrigo karaoke in the middle of a debate, who woulda known?

Carol: What I’m saying is we have a lot of work to do. You’re an incumbent governor polling well below fifty percent in a primary. We have to get you campaigning harder, get ads launched, the works.

Gretchen: What if I just pass an executive order saying that you have to vote for me or else you’re a citizen of Connecticut now?

Carol: I’m being serious!

Gretchen: Am I not allowed to ever joke?

Carol: Not while I’m trying to save your ass!

Gretchen: My ass looks great in these jeans, it does not need saving.

Carol: Why would Rhode Island not want to re-elect someone so mature and grown up?

Gretchen: It’s their loss if they send me packing. I am so cool.

Carol: Now, I know you don’t believe that.

Susana: Can we back this up? We can’t talk about our asses while at work. It’s considered sexual harassment.

Gretchen: People ruin all my fun!

Carol: So, have we decided against doing anything to boost your poll numbers?

Gretchen: It’s the morning after the poll came out. We don’t need to jump into panic mode over one poll.

Carol: If that’s how you really feel, then I’ll keep the same strategy.

Gretchen: Good, now let’s get to governing. It’s easy to get distracted by campaigning, but let’s not forget the reason we’re campaigning to begin with.

Carol: Okay, the jobs report came in today.

Gretchen: I was thinking we could go to a ribbon-cutting ceremony or something.

Susana: You’re right, Gretchen. It would definitely be Rhode Island’s loss if you lost re-nomination.

Gretchen: I’m aware.

Meanwhile, in Samantha’s office…

Hank: I keep trying to think of the reasons why you’d call me to your office. None of them are good.

Samantha: Hank…

Hank: Yes, that’s my name.

Samantha: I need help.

Hank: No comment.

Samantha: My campaign is struggling. I need something to recharge it and an endorsement from you might just do the trick.

Hank: It wouldn’t. You’re at nine percent, Sam.

Samantha: Seven percent.

Hank: That’s not better.

Samantha: I’m aware! I’m in crisis mode! This is a five-alarm fire! I’m screwed!

Hank: Do you want my advice?

Samantha: Is it mean?

Hank: Of course not!

Samantha: Then, go right ahead.

Hank: Drop out.

Samantha: That’s mean!

Hank: I’m not trying to be mean. We both know you’re too far behind to win.

Samantha: I didn’t call this meeting just to be told I’m a loser!

Hank: You’re not a loser, that’s why I want you to avoid losing.

Samantha: Huh?

Hank: This is not a race you can win. You can win the race for lieutenant governor.

Samantha: I hate that job, Hank. I have no real power.

Hank: Is power really all it’s cracked up to be?

Samantha: You can say that pretty easily, given that you actually have power.

Hank: And I’m miserable! You don’t want it that badly!

Samantha: What are you getting at here? You really want me to just slink on back to down to the  LG race?

Hank: There’s no shame in admitting your campaign is struggling.

Samantha: There is so much shame in that. I didn’t announce my campaign just for fun! I’m in it for the long haul, I don’t quit.

Hank: You quit our capitol walking club.

Samantha: You and Jeanne were so annoying! You always wanted to go walking when I have dinner!

Hank: Speaking of Jeanne, I think you should meet with her and talk about endorsing her. The two of you uniting is the only way to stop Gretchen’s re-election.

Jeanne: Jeanne stabbed me in the back. You saw the debate, you know how I feel about her.

Hank: Yes, she betrayed you.

Jeanne: You’re looking at me like I’m crazy. She did betray me!

Hank: This is a time to put our petty disagreements aside. Talk with her, talk out your issues, and we can all move forward united.

Samantha: Fine, I’ll talk with her. But this is not a promise to suspend my campaign. Only a promise to speak with her about how to proceed. Let her know I’ll meet with her.

Hank: You can ask her for a meeting yourself. I’m the Speaker of the Rhode Island House, not one of Jeanne’s campaign staffers.

Samantha: Now you want me to go in there and beg her myself to be given the gift of speaking to her? Wow, I really thought we were on the same page here.

Hank: She’s our friend Jeanne, not Medusa. There’s nothing to be scared of.

Samantha: Funny you mention Medusa. If this meeting goes poorly, I’m going to turn you to stone.

Hank: How would that work exactly?

Samantha: I will find a way!

Later that day, in Jeanne’s office…

Jeanne: Samantha, it’s nice to see you in person and not in a television attack ad. Am I still a traitor or have you forgiven me?

Samantha: Olivia Rodrigo made me stop using that song so I’d like to move on from that particular insult. But you’re still a, um, a backstabber.

Jeanne: Did you only come here to insult me?

Samantha: Actually, no.

Jeanne: That’s a pleasant and unexpected development.

Samantha: Hank forced me to come her to talk about, I guess, uh, consolidation.

Jeanne: I’m not dropping out, I’m tripling your support in the polls.

Samantha: Yes, that’s the thing. We can help each other. You can’t win if I continue with my campaign. I split the anti-Gretchen vote and you need all of that if you want any chance.

Jeanne: I don’t know if that’s true.

Samantha: Combined, we’re at twenty-eight percent of the vote and Gretchen is at forty. Alone, you’re at twenty-one. You would need to win virtually all of the undecided voters to win this race. With me out, your path is much clearer. I’m not committing to anything, but I’m putting it on the table.

Jeanne: What do you need from me to drop out?

Samantha: For starters, I need an apology. You didn’t even tell me you were running, you just did it. That was low.

Jeanne: You want me to apologize for running?

Samantha: No, you aren’t listening. I want you to apologize for not telling me you were doing it when I was already in the race and we are supposed to be friends.

Jeanne: I shouldn’t have done that, I should’ve talked to you and told you I was thinking of running. Hank told me as much and I didn’t listen. I’m sorry, Samantha.

Samantha: See, that’s all I wanted.

Jeanne: So you wouldn’t have sang on live TV if I’d done this a few weeks earlier?

Samantha: Please stop reminding me of that.

Jeanne: I make no promises

Samantha: Okay, I need you to do me one more favor.

Jeanne: I’m not singing an Ariana Grande song on TV for you. Not a two-way street.

Samantha: I’m going to run for re-election as lieutenant governor. I want you to endorse me, so we can run as a ticket.

Jeanne: I think that’s a great idea. We should set up a press conference and announce it.

Samantha: Wow, you move quick.

Jeanne: I launched a gubernatorial campaign in about three days, might as well call me The Flash!

Samantha: I’m not calling you that.

Later that night, when Gretchen returns home…

Christina: You’re in a chipper mood. Did something happen to grandma?

Lucinda: You know nothing did!

Gretchen: It’s even better than that!

Lucinda: “Even better?”

Gretchen: It’s finally setting in that I’m going to win the nomination.

Lucinda: Was there a time you, as the incumbent, didn’t think that you would?

Gretchen: Yes! You made me think that!

Lucinda: You’re a grown woman, Gretchen. If you blindly believe anything your mother tells you, that’s on you.

Anthony: You were borderline abusive about it.

Lucinda: Abuse builds confidence!

Anthony: Are you high?

Gretchen: Anyway, it’s not a big deal. I’m just happy I’m not about to be fired. It’s not major news that I’m happy. I’m happy all the time!

Christina: I don’t know if that’s true.

Toby: I saw you crying on the couch eating ice cream last week.

Gretchen: Don’t you have homework to do, Toby?

Toby: I did it already!

Gretchen: I need to talk with your teachers, they’re clearly not giving you nearly enough.

Lucinda: You’re sounding like me!

Gretchen: Ah! Way to ruin a good day, mom.

Christina: I had a good day, too, if anyone cares.

Lucinda: You don’t work, you don’t go to school, your family’s alive, you get free shelter and food… every day should be a good day for you.

Christina: That’s such an old-fashioned take, grandma.

Anthony: She’s got a point, honey.

Christina: I would expect that from mom -

Gretchen: Hey!

Christina: But not you, dad.

Anthony: What happened today to make the day special?

Christina: I’m not telling. No one respects me.

Anthony: Tell us!

Christina: You’re sure you want to hear?

Anthony: I think so?

Lucinda: For the love of god, tell us!

Gretchen: You know, the quality of my day is quickly deteriorating.

Anthony: Aww, I think that’s what your mom said on our wedding day.

Christina: I matched with a guy on Tinder!

Lucinda: That’s it? Christ…

Gretchen: Gotta be honest with you, honey. That was a letdown.

Lucinda: Hey, we all knew she wasn’t happy because she got a job offer.

Christina: You know just because your parents were crappy to you doesn’t mean you have to take it out on me!

Christina storms off to her room.

Anthony: Should I go deal with that?

Lucinda: She’s in her twenties…

Gretchen: I no longer have the energy to handle that. I think we should consider putting a padlock on her door and windows and just try slipping foot under the door crack. It would solve a lot of our problems.

The next day, at the state house…

Gretchen: Girls, is there a lot of press here today or am I imagining things?

Susana: I was thinking the same thing. There must be something going on.

Gretchen: Thanks, Sherlock.

Susana: That was mean.

Gretchen: Sorry, Christina was extremely annoying last night. Toby wasn’t great, either. Neither was my mother.

Carol: How was Toby?

Gretchen: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.

Carol: I understand annoying children, Gretchen.

Susana: I am a delight.

Carol: I just wanted to watch the finale of This Is Us last night. She accidentally tripped the power and caused it to not record. My night was ruined! I had to watch cable news.

Gretchen: I could never be desperate enough for entertainment that I’d ever turn to cable news.

Carol: Don’t know it until you try it. That Laura Ingraham is funny as hell. She’s so good at mocking right-wing talking heads.

Gretchen: I don’t think she’s joking.

Carol: Yikes.

Susana: I tried to tell you that.

Gretchen: All right, I think it’s time to get back to work. Lunch has been over.

Carol: Work. What a joy.

Gretchen: Would you rather work somewhere else?

Carol: Sometimes.

Gretchen: You can be so cruel.

Later that day…

Carol: Hey, Gretchen. So, you know how there was a ton of press outside when we got back from lunch?

Gretchen: Two hours ago? Yes, I recall.

Carol: Funny story!

Susana: Het, Gretchen! Samantha dropped out of the governor race and endorsed Jeanne!

Carol: I was trying to tell her!

Susana: Oops, sorry.

Carol: That was my story.

Gretchen: I’m trying to figure out if this is good or bad.

Carol: It’s not good!

Susana: For one, no karaoke at the next debate.

Carol: Also, unified opposition is never good for the person leading in the polls.

Gretchen: I’m still ahead of their combined polling average.

Carol: You’re also still at forty percent! Not good!

Gretchen: You are such a Debbie Downer.

Carol: We should’ve prepared for this.

Gretchen: How could I have prepared for this? I don’t have a crystal ball.

Carol: We should’ve cut some ads to get on TV when I suggested it. Now Jeanne is going to have a bunch of free press coverage that should give her some momentum.

Gretchen: Be honest. Do you think Jeanne is a stronger opponent than Samantha was? Do I have reason to be worried?

Carol: Well, she’s still in the race and Samantha is not. I think that should tell you the answer.

Gretchen: Am I in trouble?

Carol: Oh, Gretchen. When are you not?

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

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