Gretchen sits down for breakfast at home.
Christina: Mom, are you gonna let them build an AI data center in Smithfield?
Gretchen: I’m not sure I’ve given it much thought, dear.
Christina: You’d better. It’s terrible for this state and the environment.
Anthony: And god knows, we don’t have much environment to give up. The whole state’s about four square miles.
Christina: So you’re against it, too?
Anthony: I haven’t given it much of any thought, either. I just wanted to crack a joke about how small Rhode Island is. Someone has to pick up the slack now that our dear Lucinda is gone.
Gretchen: I don’t mean to sound ignorant, but how does it impact the environment? I’ve not been keeping up with any arguments in favor or against the proposal, because I don’t think it’ll come to the governor’s desk for approval while I’m in office.
Christina: The greenhouse gas emissions are horrendous, it uses millions of gallons of clean water, it makes the surrounding area hotter, and it uses valuable land that could be used more efficiently, like for affordable housing or factories or warehouses or shopping centers, or literally anything else, because AI is stupid.
Gretchen: But tell me how you really feel!
Christina: It’s contaminating the drinking water, too. It’s just brown sludge now. That’s if the tap even dispenses any water at all. Some are drying up completely.
Gretchen: That certainly feels like a major mark against it, I’d say.
Christina: You think?
Gretchen: I would say, knowing what I know now, I can’t imagine I’d allow it to be built if the proposal came to my desk. I can’t speak for next governor, who may or may not be an ally of mine, but that’s how I feel about it. So rest easy for now.
Christina: It’s hard to rest easy knowing the damage AI is doing to our world.
Gretchen: Has anyone ever told you how delightfully chipper you are in the morning?
Christina: I don’t mean to be a downer, but I thought it was important to point it out to the person I know who has a lot of influence in this state.
Gretchen: Carol’s gonna be our next lieutenant governor, I’ll bring it up with her!
Anthony: Oh, don’t ruin her day, too.
Two days later, Gretchen is at the reopening of a bridge when she receives a call.
Gretchen: Carol, I gotta take this.
Carol: Be quick, don’t want to miss this very exciting event!
Gretchen: Is Massachusetts sleeping?
Carol: Sarita!
Sarita: Sorry, sorry. It’s just… we’re waiting around to cut a ribbon on a bridge. It’s so boring.
Esther: I find it thrilling.
Carol: You would.
Gretchen picks up her phone.
Gretchen: Eddie! Something wrong? You don’t usually call me during the day.
Eddie: Gretchen, why were you burning an American flag and stomping on it?
Gretchen: Huh?
Eddie: I just saw a video online of you burning a flag and then stomping on it.
Gretchen: That did not happen.
Eddie: I saw it, so explain that.
Gretchen: Was it, like, a TikTok? Or an SNL spoof?
Eddie: No, it was you! Granted, I didn’t have my glasses on, but it was clearly you.
Gretchen: I would never do that.
Eddie: Well, in the video, you were screaming about how much you hate America and saying you’re banning the 4th of July in Rhode Island.
Gretchen: I can’t ban a holiday!
Eddie: Then why’d you say you would?
Carol: What’s going one? You seem distressed.
Gretchen: My brother’s saying he saw some video of me burning the flag and screaming about hating America and banning the 4th of July.
Carol: I told you to stay home when you’re drunk!
Gretchen: It’s not a real video!
Carol: Did he fall for AI of his own sister?
Gretchen: Eddie! Carol says it’s AI!
Eddie: I guess it could be. It’s getting a little too advanced for my liking, though.
Gretchen: Imagine how I feel! If you fell for it, my own flesh and blood, imagine how many other idiots fell for it! They think I hate America!
Esther: You hate America?
Gretchen: Please tell me no one got that on camera.
Sarita: Everything is on camera, governor.
Gretchen: Let’s hope no one takes that out of context.
Carol: They will.
Eddie: I’m glad to know my sister’s not going around acting like she’s having a breakdown. I was very worried about you.
Gretchen: Have no fear, it’s just losers using AI to start trouble. Well, maybe have some fear. This AI is clearly a problem.
Eddie: Tell me about it!I couldn’t even tell that a video of my own sister was a fake. I’m hopeless when it comes to anything else.
Gretchen: Well, I’ll talk to you later. We gotta get to this bridge thing and then figure out how widespread this video’s gotten.
Eddie: It had a couple thousand comments from what I saw.
Gretchen: Very encouraging, thank you Eddie.
Eddie: Any time!
Gretchen hangs up.
Carol: So, you’re the victim of an AI hoax, huh? I guess, congrats on being relevant enough for them to come for you.
Gretchen: You should be more worried than you are. Your campaign for lieutenant governor hinges on my popularity!
Carol: I don’t think I agree with that!
Gretchen: Carol, you’ve worked with me for practically my entire career. Your only job in politics has been being my right-hand woman. If voters think I hate America and burn flags, they’re gonna take it out on you. They can’t take it out on me, I’m not running again!
Sarita: You know, flag burning is protected by the constitution, as ruled by the Supreme Court in Te-
Gretchen: Oh, they’ll overturn that, just so they can send me to jail. Don’t you worry.
Carol: I don’t know what you want us to do about this, Gretchen. We can’t stop AI, it’s everywhere. Thankfully, most of it is obvious. And god, is it ugly.
Sarita: So much of it has a horrible yellow filter, it’s just disgusting.
Gretchen: I don’t know what I want, but I want to dial back on AI as much as I can in Rhode Island. We have to legislate against it.
Sarita: That won’t be easy. The AI lobby has bought and paid for so many politicians in this state. They’re practically funding Jeanne’s campaign themselves.
Gretchen: That would make sense. The only people foolish enough to donate to her have to be people from out of state who want something from her.
Samantha: I think we’re too hard on Jeanne.
Gretchen: Jesus, where did you come from?
Samantha: I was here the whole time. I was just over talking to the media.
Gretchen: You were stealing my media attention?
Samantha: It’s the least I could do after you led me on with that endorsement! I was so sure you were backing me, I even printed a bunch of lawn signs that said “endorsed by Governor Raymond” on them. Tons of wasted money. Thanks a lot!
Gretchen: You know, I don’t want to be mean, but I have to point out that I wasn’t the one who made you print those. You chose to do that, because you assumed I’d back you. I wouldn’t be upset if you won, I just think Carrie Lione is the sort of leader we need here. She brings a new generation of viewpoints.
Samantha: So I’m too old?
Gretchen: Why do you seem more upset about this endorsement every time I talk to you?
Samantha: Because I’ve seen my own internal polling! It’s bad, Gretchen!
Gretchen: Tell me you’re at least ahead of Jeanne.
Samantha: Eh…
Gretchen: I am sorry to hear that.
Samantha: You know, Carol, an endorsement from the future lieutenant governor sure wouldn’t hurt any…
Carol: Oh, uh… I’d love to talk the logistics of that, but we have a ribbon to go cut! Sorry!
Samantha: But that’s not for another ten mi-
Carol: They’re calling us to go! Can’t keep ‘em waiting!
The next day, at the office…
Carol: Gretchen, I have good news and bad news. What do you want first?
Gretchen: Is the good news good enough to make me forget the bad news?
Carol: Is it ever?
Gretchen: Let’s start with the good news.
Carol: New poll just came out, I’m leading the field for lieutenant governor by five points!
Gretchen: Is that good?
Carol: I thought it was good.
Sarita: She hasn’t run any ads, she doesn’t exactly have high name ID. It’s pretty good.
Gretchen: Then, good for you. Happy to hear it.
Carol: I feel like the Providence Oysters being so bad is the only reason I’m beating their general manager. If they were good, that goodwill would carry Jeremiah to victory. Then again, if they were any good, he wouldn’t be trying to move on to politics a season and a half in.
Gretchen: A win’s a win! You’re not any less of a lieutenant governor just because the competition was weak.
Carol: I guess that’s correct.
Gretchen: Besides, Collinsworth dropped out as soon as you jumped in. Seems like the other candidates see you as a threat.
Carol: Well, she was polling in single digits. I don’t know if I had much to do with that development.
Gretchen: All right, so the good news was about you. I assume the bad news is about me. Let’s hear it.
Carol: It’s not really about “you,” per se. It’s not anything you did.
Gretchen: Oh no. What’s AI Gretchen doing now?
Carol: I don’t know if there’s been anything new besides what Eddie told you about. I do know, though, that a lot of people in this state have fallen for that video. The media has reached out about it, a lot of people want apologies or even demand your resignation.
Gretchen: Well, that isn’t happening.
Carol: Of course not. You didn’t do anything!
Gretchen: Exactly! So what’s the game plan here?
Carol: We’re going to do a media interview explaining that it’s AI and discussing the dangers of AI. We’re also going to start an AI oversight task force, to warn Rhode Islanders about AI scams. Not just the videos that make the powerful and influential look bad, but also scams that seek to con Rhode Islanders out of money. The rise of AI has just made those scam phone calls and scam websites so much worse. Not only is it easier than ever to pull off a scam now because you have AI doing the work for you, it’s also getting harder to spot what is and isn’t AI.
Gretchen: That would be great. I wish we could just ban it completely, but the logistics of that would be a nightmare.
Carol: We’ll do whatever were can within reason, though.
Sarita: You know, I generally think you guys are out-of-touch boomers who are afraid of new technology, but you’re on the money here. AI is out of control, and I’m sick of seeing it. Can’t even go online anymore without being exposed to it. It’s disgusting.
Gretchen: Christina was complaining to me about a plan to build an AI data center in Rhode Island. I didn’t know much at all about the plan, but can we stop it?
Carol: I’ll see what we can do. It would be great if we could legislate against it.
Gretchen: Thankfully, I’ve got my best people on it: you two!
Sarita: I have to remind you of something, and please don’t shoot the messenger here: if we go the route of legislation, it has to go through Jeanne.
Gretchen: That’s an unfortunate snag. She’s not a huge fan of mine at the moment.
Sarita: She’s also, as I said before, bankrolled by AI companies. She’s not going to help us pass regulations, her donors will rebel.
Gretchen: She owes me one.
Carol: Would this qualify as a favor?
Gretchen: All that we agreed on is that she “owed me one.” Could be one favor, could be one free piece of legislation passed. I’m not letting her stop me, not after I saved her job. And if she does try to stop me, I will get her canned as leader of the senate Democrats. I was elected to get shit done, not to get blocked by a tyrant.
Carol: Wouldn’t it be sort of tyrannical if you forced her out just because she won’t let you pass a bill?
Gretchen: No. She knows I hold her future in my hands.
Sarita: Will she care if you take her out as majority leader? She won’t be a senator in seven months, anyway. But if she stabs her donors in the back, she ensures she won’t be governor, either.
Carol: That’s a good point.
Gretchen: I’m not worried. Most people don’t want AI data centers in their back yard. They don’t want AI taking their jobs. They don’t want the entire internet filled with AI nonsense! If Jeanne won’t give in to me, we’ll take it to the people. Let them speak up and demand change on AI. She needs them on her side, she’ll give in then.
Carol: I suppose.
Gretchen: It’s gonna work! I promise.
Later that day…
Gretchen: Christina! I wanted to talk to you about AI.
Christina: Oh no, did you fall for an AI picture like uncle Eddie?
Gretchen: No! This is about the data centers.
Christina: Oh! What about them? Because you were pretty noncommittal before.
Gretchen: Because I didn’t know enough about them. Now I do, and I don’t like them. They don’t belong in Rhode Island. In fact, no AI belongs in Rhode Island. At least, a good 95% of it doesn’t. It’s toxic, it’s just slop.
Christina: I agree. It’s making us dumber and more gullible and less secure. People can’t even trust their own eyes anymore.
Anthony: Aww, I love seeing you two bonding. What are you talking about?
Christina: How much AI sucks.
Toby: I love AI!
Gretchen: What?
Toby: I love generating funny pictures, I love those AI fruit TikTok’s, and I love to use ChatGPT to help me with m- nothing. I don’t use ChatGPT.
Gretchen: Are you using ChatGPT to cheat on your homework?
Toby: Not now.
Gretchen: Are you using it when school is in session?
Toby: Only a few times. Do you know how long War and Peace is?
Gretchen: Oh my god. It’s even more evil than I thought!
Toby: Everyone else is doing it!
Gretchen: My god, the kids really aren’t gonna be all right.
Toby: I’m smart!
Gretchen: Then you should be wise enough to know not to cheat on your homework!
Christina: Kids are lazy, mom. I would never cheat. I don’t believe in AI, as you know.
Anthony: Well, you did cheat that one t-
Christina: No, I did not!
Anthony: That’s not what the teacher said.
Christina: She just hated me! Besides, that was old-fashioned cheating. It was more ethical.
Gretchen: Anyway, I’m going all-in on anti-AI measures. Rhode Island is going to be the leader in the movement to STOP AI from changing our way of life. We’re going to enshrine in our state constitution that AI data centers are banned from being built in the state. We’re also establishing AI oversight task force to look out for AI-related scams targeting Rhode Islanders. And on the education side, we’re banning ChatGPT and all AI chatbots from all school computers statewide and we’re investing in a state-of-the-art AI detector, with the hopes of it being entirely accurate, so we can mandate punishments like detention or even suspension for those cheating using AI. We’re also banning AI in all advertising, and on all government computers. It’s all part of my all-inclusive anti-AI bill that Carol and Massachusetts are working diligently on. Mary and Carrie have already agreed to introduce it in their respective chambers. We’re tackling this problem head-on.
Christina: I’m really impressed. I do have to ask, though, whether this is at all inspired by that AI video of you on Facebook that everyone’s mad about.
Gretchen: A little, yeah. But only because that really opened my eyes to how dangerous it all is. I plan to explain it all in my interview on the local news tomorrow.
Anthony: You’re gonna be on the news tomorrow?
Gretchen: Look how excited he got. It’s adorable how much he cheers me on!
The next day, in Jeanne’s office…
Jeanne: What brings you here, governor? Another thinly-veiled threat?
Gretchen: You know me so well!
Jeanne: Unfortunately.
Gretchen: Carrie is introducing a piece of legislation regarding regulation of AI. It’s a passion project of mine, and I was able to get her and my sister to agree to work with my team to write it and introduce it on the floor. You don’t have to vote for it. You just have to bring it up for a vote. I just need a simple majority.
Jeanne: I think there are a lot of benefits to AI, and I have little interest in -
Gretchen: You’re bought and paid for. I get it. So many politicians are. I’m not. And you’re going to bring this up for a vote, or the people are going to find out all your ties to AI, and how you want to build a data center in their backyard, and they’re not going to like it.
Jeanne: I have never said I wanted to build that data center!
Gretchen: If AI has taught me anything, it’s that it’s a lot easier to convince people of something entirely untrue than you could have ever imagined.
Later, on the local news…
Gretchen: You know, I was just so distraught when I saw that video of me insulting our great country, and horrified that people actually thought it was real. And that’s what made me realize just how destructive AI is for our society. It’s why I’m actually working with my sister, speaker Raymond, and senator Lione, who are introducing a few bills in the legislature, including an amendment that’ll hopefully be on the ballot this year regarding data centers! And leader Riverro has given me her full commitment that it’ll be brought up for a vote by the end of the month. I think delivering commonsense solutions for Rhode Island is the most important part of my job, and as technology evolves, it’s critical we keep up with it and keep it from harming us. So I thank my fellow state leaders for being so quick to act on this issue.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode tomorrow night!
