Gretchen is on her couch watching TV.
Gretchen: God, isn’t this disgusting?
Anthony: I told you, you can stop watching Euphoria at any time.
Gretchen: No, not that. I mean, that too, but at least that isn’t making our state look bad.
Anthony: Huh?
Gretchen: The Real Housewives of Rhode Island.
Anthony: Oh no.
Gretchen: I gave Bravo a big tax credit to film here in the hopes we’d get some good PR now that Bake Your Heart Out left the state. Instead, they’ve made a mockery of us.
Anthony: I’m gonna be honest, expecting Bravo to make our state look good was pretty naive. Those women are… well, they’re frightening.
Gretchen: I’m frightening, too.
Anthony: I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing.
Gretchen: It’s good. A woman in charge should be intimidating. She should command respect.
Anthony: I’m not sure “respect” is how I would describe my feeling for the Real Housewives, if I’m being completely honest.
Gretchen: I’m frightening in a good way.
Anthony: I’m kinda lost, Gretch.
Gretchen: The Real Housewives of Rhode Island are the devil. Devils. Can there be more than one devil?
Anthony: Can it really be that bad?
Gretchen: They’re maniacs, Anthony. One of them has mob connections and she had an affair with a drug dealer, the other slept with a basketball coach, another is a sugar daddy, one of them ran over a woman, and worst of all, one of them was on The Bachelor! And everyone’s cheatin’!
Anthony: Hold on… one of them ran over someone? With their car?
Gretchen: She has problems with driving, she needs to eat crackers to calm her down.
Anthony: And she hit a woman?
Gretchen: Yeah, so what? She’s one of the more normal ones on the show. She’s the fan favorite!
Anthony: You know a lot about this show, considering how disgusting you think it is.
Gretchen: Oh, I binged the entire show over the weekend. This latest episode is the most horrific yet. It’s great entertainment. It’s also an abysmal depiction of our beautiful state. They went to Newport… made a complete mockery of one of our state’s most remarkable cities.
Anthony: Can you even consider it a “city?”
Gretchen: By Rhode Island standards, it’s easily a city.
Anthony: So, how do you plan on avenging our great state for this disrespect?
Gretchen: I don’t know. Maybe we start a boycott.
Christina: What are you guys talking about in here?
Anthony: Your mother’s catching up on the Real Housewives of Rhode Island.
Christina: Best show on TV!
Gretchen: No! No, it’s not!
Christina: You don’t like it?
Gretchen: Not at all!
Christina: Then why are you catching up?
Gretchen: It’s about Rhode Island! I’m Rhode Island’s governor! It’s my duty to watch it and see how my state’s being depicted!
Christina: Is it?
Anthony: I don’t think the governor of California is watching Euphoria and worrying about how bad it makes the state look.
Gretchen: I would hope not, that show is fictional. And awful!
Christina: It used to be good.
Gretchen: When?
Christina: Zendaya won two Emmys for it.
Gretchen: Good for Zendaya. Less good for the Emmy voters that had to watch the show.
Christina: We’re not debating Euphoria now. Why do you have the Real Housewives of Rhode Island so much?
Gretchen: They make our state look trashy and ridiculous!
Christina: Well…
Anthony: She wants to boycott the show.
Christina: Is this what you want your legacy to be? Fighting with the Real Housewives?
Gretchen: I want my legacy to be one of uplifting and defending our state. We deserve respect.
Christina: I think it’s a more favorable depiction than what most people think of when they hear Rhode Island now, Family Guy.
Gretchen: That’s a cartoon. This is a reality show!
Anthony: “Reality.”
Gretchen: Bake Your Heart Out was a loving portrayal of our state. This is a mockery. I won’t stand for it.
Christina: Do you not have real issues to worry about?
Gretchen: This is a real issue. We have a reputation to uphold! This show is smearing it! I should take Andy Cohen to court.
Christina: On what grounds?
Gretchen: Defamation of character.
Christina: Mom, you sound unhinged.
Anthony: She sounds like one of those Real Housewives.
Gretchen: How DARE you?
Anthony: I knew you’d like that.
Christina: One of the Housewives owns a pizza shop. I think that’s what we should get for dinner tonight.
Gretchen: I feel like I’m being mocked. I take less offense to that than my beloved state being mocked, though.
Anthony: Your mom used to mock Rhode Island all the time.
Gretchen: And I hated it, but she was allowed to do it, because she was older than the state of Rhode Island itself.
Christina: Those jokes about her being old just don’t hit the same way now that she’s gone.
Anthony: Rest in peace, Lucinda. You would’ve absolutely hated The Real Housewives of Rhode Island.
Christina: To be fair to Bravo, she didn’t like much of anything.
Later that day…
Gretchen: How’s my future lieutenant governor feeling today?
Carol: Busy. Swamped. Overworked. Tired.
Gretchen: okay, good to hear.
Carol: Did you actually pay attention to anything I just said?
Gretchen: Not really, I’m a woman on a mission from God.
Carol: Are you a Blues Brother now?
Gretchen: Glad someone got the reference. Esther’s too old -
Esther: I am not! I ran into John Belushi once in New York and we were peers.
Gretchen: and Massachusetts is too young.
Sarita: Guilty as charged.
Carol: So, what’s your mission?
Gretchen: We’re getting The Real Housewives of Rhode Island canceled.
Carol: Ha! Good one!
Sarita: They already renewed it.
Gretchen: Not when I’m through with it. We’re revoking all of its filming credits. Our tax dollars are not going into the hands of people slandering this great state.
Sarita: “Great state” is overselling it, I think. We’re lucky they even let us be a state. We’re smaller than the Dallas-Fort Worth metropolitan area, and less populous, too.
Gretchen: Don’t bring Azzi Fudd into this, you know how hurt I was that UConn lost March Madness this year.
Sarita: You’re a UConn fan? You didn’t go to UConn.
Gretchen: I live close enough to it to root for them. You don’t see anyone from Rhode Island doing well, do you?
Carol: In think we’re getting off track here.
Esther: You know, I met Paige Bueckers once, too.
Carol: Jesus Christ.
Esther: No one wants to hear the story?
Carol: No! Gretchen, continue. How do you plan to destroy the Rhode Island Housewives? And why?
Gretchen: They make our state look bad! They’re adulterers, they have mob ties, they have Bachelor Nation ties, most of them seem to be either intoxicated or drugged up or outright mental. Our state deserves to be portrayed better.
Sarita: I mean, it’s a Real Housewives show, not a Travel Channel puff piece. I don’t think the viewers are tuning in and expecting a documentary about Rhode Island. The draw is seeing rich, pampered women acting like maniacs.
Gretchen: I was conned. I never would’ve approved giving them tax credits if they’d exploit us like this!
Sarita: How did they exploit us?
Gretchen: It was supposed to make our state look good! It’s made us look ridiculous! I’m disgusted!
Carol: Can we even take away their tax credits?
Gretchen: We sure can. I think.
Sarita: I’ll look into it.
Gretchen: I’m also going to suggest a state-wide boycott of the show in a press conference I’m hosting tonight. I’m going to ask Pratt and Mary to appear with me. We need to present a united front against this wretched show.
Carol: We have to have better things to do than this.
Gretchen: This is important! This is about defending a state that deserves defending!
A bit later that day…
Mary: Hell no! I love the Real Housewives of Rhode Island! Alicia and her crackers, Ashley and her crying, Rosie and her husband that sings Frank Sinatra, not really Kelsey…
Gretchen: You know them all by name?
Mary: Yes! I watch it religiously!
Gretchen: Betrayed by my own sister. This is heartbreaking.
Mary: Can I suggest something to you?
Gretchen: Fine.
Mary: Don’t do this. You’re going to look so foolish. And those Bravo fans, they’re so mean. They will tear you apart.
Gretchen: I’m not afraid of a bunch of reality TV fans sitting on their phones sending mean tweets.
Mary: You should be! You thought Jeanne and Hank were bad, these people are relentless. They will ruin your life.
Gretchen: You worry too much.
Mary: You don’t worry enough!
In Samantha’s office…
Samantha: I don’t really think I want any part of this.
Gretchen: What? Are you still mad about the endorsement?
Samantha: No. I just, uh… I don’t really think this is a winning battle. Or a battle I care at all about.
Gretchen: This is why I didn’t en doors you! Rhode Island needs a fighter! Someone who’ll defend its honor. Someone like Carrie!
In Carrie’s office…
Carrie: I’m gonna pass, Gretchen. I’m running a statewide campaign, I don’t need to tie myself up in petty drama over a reality TV show. Plus, those ladies scare me. Isn’t one involved with the mob?
Gretchen: That was technically never proven, she probably won’t put a hit out on us.
Carrie: Still… I’m gonna have to pass.
Gretchen: All right. It was worth a try.
In Jeanne’s office…
Jeanne: I agree with you, Gretchen. Those Real Housewives do not represent Rhode Island values.
Gretchen: Thank you! Finally, someone who gets it.
Jeanne: We’re a good-natured, respectable people. Those ladies are downright demonic, I assume. I haven’t watched it.
Gretchen: Well, you still have the right idea.
Jeanne: Glad to hear. So, when’s this press conference?
Gretchen: Tomorrow.
Jeanne: I’ll be there. I’m proud to stand up for our state, and if this makes you reconsider your endorsement and view me as candidate best qualified to defend Rhode Island values, I’m open to it.
Gretchen: I appreciate the support, Jeanne.
Two days later…
Carol: Gretchen…
Gretchen: You sound dismayed.
Carol: Andy Cohen has responded to your criticism of The Real Housewives of Rhode Island.
Gretchen: Interesting.
Carol: He’s making fun of you. You got slammed by the Housewives themselves, too. This is kinda starting to take off. They’re calling you “Governor Karen.”
Gretchen: If they want to call me a Karen because I love Rhode Island, then so be it.
Carol: This is a PR headache, and you know who we have in charge of PR?
Esther: Me!
Gretchen: Oh my god, I’m getting impeached.
Sarita: I don’t think Andy Cohen shading you and Ashley from The Bachelor mocking you on her Instagram stories is gonna get you impeached. It is an unnecessary distraction from our work, though.
Gretchen: Yeah, they might not want us to appear at the next ribbon-cutting ceremony for a strip mall Chinese restaurant now.
Sarita: It’s getting media coverage. Outside of Bravo. It’s just kind of a mess.
Carol: Bravo has also announced a lawsuit over revoking tax credits for season two.
Gretchen: Okay, that’s bad.
Carol: This is why I generally advise politicians to not act on impulse.
Gretchen: It was not impulse. It was my own moral convictions.
Carol: Sure. I guess we have to discuss this suit with the attorney general.
Sarita: Of all the dumb things I’ve had to deal with working here… by far the dumbest.
The next week…
Carol: Gretchen, Andy Cohen reached out to us.
Gretchen: I’m so sick of hearing that name!
Carol: They’re willing to drop the lawsuit in exchange for a favor.
Gretchen: Oh, this’ll be good.
Carol: Andy wants you to appear on the reunion special to “soft-launch” your addition to the cast for season two.
Sarita: Oh my god! I’m gonna be on TV!
Gretchen: Ha! Good one, Carol.
Carol: Not a joke.
Gretchen: Me? A Real Housewife? What would my mother say?
Carol: Nothing positive.
Gretchen: Why would he want me on the cast? I’m not… you know… like them.
Carol: This has brought a lot of free publicity to them. And it can add some drama, because the wives all hate you for publicly bashing them as an official officer of our government. So you’ll be the villain!
Gretchen: Awesome.
Carol: Is it a yes?
Gretchen: I need a drink.
Sarita: Aww, she’s already practicing for the show!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
