DATE: June 13, 1876. The Indianapolis Primates are playing a home game against the Providence Braves. The ballpark is packed, with not one of the 3,000 seats empty nor a spot for anyone else to stand in the bullpen; that is, the area in foul territory where late arrivers gather for a discounted price. Late to the game again include SAMUEL, a railway worker who cheers on the Primates as long as they are winning; ABNER, a shoemaker who only goes to the bullpen for the discount; SALLY, ABNER's wife and a cigar-maker; CHESTER, a printer who took the fall when the Primates' one loss in 1875 made the front page; RALPH, a painter who helped paint the ballpark seats but has no choice but to stand in the bullpen because he is constantly late; and WILLIAM, a factory worker and heavy drinker who makes and loses his money gambling on games.
ABNER
Pleasant day for a ballgame, eh?
WILLIAM
Beats working down at the factory.
ABNER
I just hope we win.
SAMUEL
What are you talking about, we always win!
ABNER
Some of us are Primates fans through thick and thin.
CHESTER
If you ask me, I'd say the Primates need our help.
SALLY
How so?
CHESTER
You've seen them play. They're too passive. They act like it's just a ballgame.
SALLY
Well...isn't it?
CHESTER
They're out there playing like they don't want to win! This is the National League, where integrity comes to baseball.
WILLIAM
Not if I have a say.
CHESTER
We got a second baseman who takes forever to throw the ball to first, we got a centerfielder who drops the ball five times a game, we got a pitcher who's begging for the batter to take a whack at it, we're just plain sloppy!
ABNER
And yet we win almost every game.
CHESTER
Almost every game isn't enough.
RALPH
I'd say it's close to enough.
CHESTER
Ralph, nobody feels the pain of a Primates loss more than I do.
RALPH
What are you gonna do about it?
CHESTER
I'm gonna take this into my own hands.
RALPH
You're not even a player, how do you suppose you do that?
CHESTER
Like this.
CHESTER walks as the Primates' pitcher throws the ball.
CHESTER [yelling to the batter right ahead of the pitch]
SWING!
The batter looks back at CHESTER, as he was distracted by CHESTER's timely yell.
CHESTER
Come on everyone, help me out.
The next pitch leaves the Primates' pitcher's hand.
CHESTER, SALLY, and ABNER [to the batter]
SWING!!!
The batter swings and misses, distracted again by their timely yelling.
ABNER [to the batter]
WE'RE TRYING TO HELP YOU!
WILLIAM
Batter's calling one low now. If he misses this one...I don't know what to say.
ABNER
Help us out, William.
The pitcher throws the third pitch of the at bat, which is low as the batter called.
CHESTER, SALLY, ABNER, WILLIAM, RALPH, and SAMUEL
SWING BATTER SWING!!!!!!
The batter swings and strikes out. He looks dumbfounded.
RALPH
Good grief, he's exchanging words with the umpire now.
SALLY
A strikeout, I can't believe it!
ABNER
Thanks to us.
The batter then proceeds to charge after the pitcher, which quickly turns into a brawl on the field. Both teams run to the pitcher's box to join the fight.
WILLIAM
Oh, he's mad.
SAMUEL
You don't say!
CHESTER
We should go.
RALPH
Chester, you coward. You start this, you have to stay to witness the repercussions. Look at them all go after each other like that.
CHESTER
No, I mean we should go on the field.
RALPH
What?! Why?
CHESTER
Well I mean, we are kind of responsible for this.
ABNER
True. But by the time we get there, it'll all be sorted out anyway.
WILLIAM
Even better. It will look like we're coming in out of solidarity, when really we have no intention to fight!
RALPH
If you say so...
CHESTER, ABNER, WILLIAM, SALLY, RALPH, and SAMUEL charge the pitcher's box, where the two teams continue to brawl. They immediately get shoved down by the batter.
CHESTER [on the ground]
That was a mistake.
WILLIAM [on the ground]
I think I just got fined by the umpire. I'm not even one of the players, they can't fine me five whole dollars!
SALLY [on the ground]
William, do you need money to pay?
WILLIAM [on the ground]
Well that would be most wonderful, Sally.
SALLY [on the ground]
Abner?
ABNER [on the ground]
Win a bet, William, you'll get some that way. I got my own fine to pay.