Samantha walks into Gretchen’s office.
Samantha: Man, I was gone two weeks and you got this place looking quite festive, Gretch!
Gretchen: You think so?
Samantha: The state house looks like the North Pole, quite a far cry from the “holiday tree” from years gone by. You guys did a great job with it!
Gretchen: Ah, it was nothing!
Sarita: Maybe to you. That was like five days of work for me and Carol.
Gretchen: Like I said, I didn’t have to do anything!
Samantha: Well, it looks nice. Are you guys excited for Christmas?
Carol: I’m thrilled. Susana is finally coming home. Judith’s been putting her to work, she hasn’t had any chance to get home.
Samantha: Well, it is her job, after all.
Carol: She worked over Thanksgiving! Halloween!
Sarita: We worked on Halloween. Who doesn’t work on Halloween?
Gretchen: Santa. Bastard only works the one day, I’m so jealous.
Carol: Think, Gretchen. Two years from now, neither one of us is going to have to work another day.
Gretchen: Aww, that’s kinda sad to think about.
Samantha: Well, there’ll be a spot in my administration for the both of you anytime.
Gretchen: It’s cute you think you’ll win.
Samantha: I will win!
Gretchen: So, what are our plans to get in the holiday spirit?
Sarita: Well, I need a bit of a break from Christmas after all this decorating.
Gretchen: It wasn’t a real question, dear, I just had to cut the tension.
Samantha: You could have just humored me.
Gretchen: I try not to lie too much, I hate playing into this stereotypes about politicians.
Hank: Ladies, do you have a moment?
Gretchen: Oh my god, he emerges!
Carol: Matthews, you’re going to kill the holly, jolly vibe of the office. You’re like Ebenezer Scrooge.
Hank: I am not like Ebenezer Scrooge! I’m like, uh… Hermey from Rudolph. I’ve been ostracized for not fitting in quite right and now I’m depressed about it and feeling like a misfit.
Gretchen: I think you don’t “fit in” because you’re not going to be in office anymore after this month.
Hank: You don’t have to rub it in! And neither does your sister!
Gretchen: Look, it’s not her fault that you lost re-election. Someone had to be Speaker.
Hank: But them choosing her after all the grief she gave me…
Gretchen: To me, it is perfect.
Carol: Love Actually!
Gretchen: Yes, Carol, thank you for blurting out the reference.
Hank: She’s been in office for less than two years, it’s ridiculous that they picked her to lead the caucus. She knows nothing!
Gretchen: You knew nothing and you ran the caucus for, what, twelve years?
Hank: I was very informed.
Gretchen: Yes, you always did carefully research harebrained reasons why you couldn’t support whatever it is I wanted to pass at a given time.
Hank: I didn’t just come here to be bullied, you know.
Gretchen: Why did you come here, Hank?
Carol: Surely you had to know this is what you were in for, right?
Hank: I came to say my farewells. Today’s the last day of regular session for the house.
Gretchen: Oh! Wow, that came quick.
Hank: Tell me about it. I haven’t even really processed it yet.
Gretchen: Well, we didn’t always have the best of relationships -
Hank: No, we did not.
Gretchen: Hank, it’s been nice getting to know you, and it’s going to be so strange without you around here. You’ve been in politics as long as I can remember, longer than me.
Hank: It’s been nice getting to know you, too. You’ve been an excellent foil.
Gretchen: I’ll be honest, Hank, I am bummed a Republican took you out. I was always hoping it’d be another Democrat in a primary.
Hank: Well, can’t always get what we want.
Gretchen: I do have a gift for you. I figured, all you’re going through this year, you could use a nice Christmas gift. Don’t open it until Christmas!
Hank: That’s really sweet, governor.
Gretchen: I try.
Sarita: You never got me a Christmas gift!
Gretchen: You have a life, Massachusetts.
Hank: I’m going to choose to ignore that, so as to remember this last moment as one of kindness.
Gretchen: You know, Hank, I think we could’ve been pretty good friends if we weren’t so obsessed with butting heads about politics all the time.
Hank: I think so, too.
Carol: Aww, how sweet.
One week later…
Carol: Two days, Gretchen. You ready?
Gretchen: Am I ever? I go to bed on Christmas Eve, I’m still not ready.
Carol: It’s quite a time, isn’t it?
Gretchen: I think Christmas was invented solely to torture moms for having brought life into the world. It always falls on us.
Carol: This year, I’m glad it does. Susana coming home for Christmas is what’s been getting me through this last month. I miss her terribly.
Gretchen: Tell me, Carol. Are you going to leave me, too?
Carol: Gretchen, I would never. I’ve been with you even longer than I’ve been with Susana.
Gretchen: We’ve had quite a ride.
Carol: You know, you’re my best friend.
Gretchen: Are you just telling me that because it’s Christmas and that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
Carol: No, I mean it.
Gretchen: Good, because you’re my best friend, too.
Sarita: Now kiss!
Carol: Oh, god, I didn’t know you were in here.
Sarita: We’re pretty much the only people here, just us and the other workers in your office. Do we really need to be working this close to Christmas?
Gretchen: Someone’s gotta keep the state running.
Sarita: I think it would stay running just fine if we weren’t here.
Gretchen: You can go home if you want, Massachusetts.
Sarita: Ah, good. I have so many last-minute things to get done and there’s supposed to be an awful snowstorm tomorrow!
Gretchen: Hey, Massachusetts, wait!
Sarita: What?
Gretchen: I got you this. Merry Christmas, kid. You’ve been a life-saver.
Sarita: Can I give you a hug?
Gretchen: Well, it is Christmas… bring it in.
Carol: What’s this about a snowstorm?
Sarita: Oh, it’s all over the news! The Today show even had Al Joker talking about it this morning!
Carol: Well, what good would he really be if he didn’t talk about it?
Gretchen: How bad’s it going to be?
Sarita: Fairly bad from the way it looks. At least ten inches.
Gretchen: Ten inches? Wow, that’s not good.
Sarita: Terrible wind, too.
Gretchen: I usually only have to worry about terrible wind from my great aunt Clara on Thanksgiving.
Carol: Oh, no one likes a fart joke. Especially not so close to Christmas.
Gretchen: A fart joke gonna get me on the naughty list?
Carol: It could! I’m more worried about travel, though. Susana’s flying in tomorrow.
Sarita: Oh, not tomorrow! All the flights are getting canceled already.
Carol: No, you’re joking?
Sarita: I wish I was. My granny was supposed to fly in from North Carolina for Christmas, but she had to cancel.
Carol: Oh my god…
Gretchen: Carol, I’m so sorry if this messes up your plans.
Gretchen: The meteorologists are usually wrong anyway, it’ll probably just be a dusting!
Carol: I have to go call Susana.
Gretchen: Of course!
Sarita: I’m gonna go, good luck, ladies. Merry Christmas!
Gretchen: Merry Christmas to you, too, Sarita.
Sarita: Oh my god, you called me Sarita and not Massachusetts!
Gretchen: Consider it a Christmas gift.
The next day…
Christina: When I sang “Let it Snow,” I didn’t mean it literally.
Lucinda: I’ve never seen a snow this bad.
Gretchen: Poor Carol’s not even going to see Susana because of this. It’s a disaster, no flights in or out.
Anthony: I’m not worrying about the flights looking out there. Look at the roads! There’s too much snow to even plow properly in order to make the roads safe. It’s just snow and ice and slush and more snow.
Gretchen: In other words, that white Christmas we’ve been dreaming of has finally come true.
Anthony: Who was dreaming of it? Not me! I have to shovel it.
Toby: I’ll help you!
Gretchen: No, you will not. Your father will use the snowblower.
Anthony: I hate that gas guzzler, it’s terrible for the environment.
Lucinda: Liberals…
Gretchen: Mother, you are a liberal.
Lucinda: Yes, but not I’m not so cringe about it. I’m liberal because it’s what I feel in my heart, not because I want to show it off to the world.
Christina: She’s got a point, dad.
Anthony: She doesn’t ever have a point!
Lucinda: That’s really hurtful. You hurt my feelings, and so close to Christmas.
Anthony: What feelings?
Lucinda: That’s it, your gift’s going back to Kohl’s!
Anthony: What will I do without a new salt and pepper shaker shaped like bell peppers?
Lucinda: That was supposed to be a surprise!
There’s a knock at the door.
Lucinda: No one open it, a bunch of snow will flood this rood if you open it.
Gretchen: I think that only happens in movies.
Lucinda: Do it at your own peril.
Gretchen opens the door.
Carol: Ah, finally, I made it!
Gretchen: Oh my god, Carol! You look…
Carol: Bad, I know. My car broke down in the snow, I had to walk here. It was… I could’ve died. It’s like the fourth season of True Detective out there.
Lucinda: We prefer more Christmassy references this time of year.
Carol: And I prefer being able to feel my own toes and see my daughter, we’re not all getting what we want today.
Gretchen: What are you doing here? And why did you not call?
Carol: Well, my power’s out, so my phone’s dead.
Gretchen: Cell phone?
Carol: Also dead.
Gretchen: This is bad.
Carol: Yeah, it’s not a merry Christmas.
Gretchen: This is worse than that time you wanted to skip it.
Carol: At least I was warm and indoors then.
Gretchen: Well, get indoors now, come on.
Anthony: Did you bring a warm change of clothes?
Carol: Dammit! I knew I forgot something in my car! My suitcase!
Gretchen: We wear basically the same size, just go change into one of my flannel sets.
Carol: I will then, but first, I need you to do your job as governor. You have to address the weather emergency. It’s bad out there.
Gretchen: All right, but Jack Frost has nipped at your nose and I’m scared we’re gonna lose you, so lets get you warmed up. I’ll work on an address while you do that.
Carol: You need to issue a full state of emergency and shut down all non-essential travel. Those roads aren’t drivable.
Gretchen: I got it, don’t worry.
Carol: All right, can someone help me that change of clothes?
Anthony: Follow me.
Christina: Oh, what a Christmas to have the blues.
Carol: Please Come Home For Christmas, I love that song! It reminds me of Susana, I miss her!
Lucinda: Nice going, kid.
Christina: Sorry, Carol.
Lucinda: Do we have to shut down driving just yet?
Gretchen: It’s sort of my job, yes.
Lucinda: A few exceptions, though?
Gretchen: For what?
Lucinda: Your brother and sister.
Gretchen: Mom! I can’t just be blatantly corrupt, I’m sorry.
Lucinda: All the other governors do it!
Gretchen: Well, they’re not me. Sorry, they can enjoy Christmas at home.
Lucinda: You are such a disappointment.
Gretchen: Not the first time I’ve heard that from you. Not even the first time today.
Thirty minutes later, Lucinda calls Mary.
Lucinda: Mary! Can you believe your sister?
Mary: What did she do now?
Lucinda: She’s canceled Christmas! She’s the Grinch!
Mary: What do you mean she’s canceled it?
Lucinda: She’s banned all non-essential travel until the snow’s cleared up. She’s not letting you or your brother come over! She’s become a dictator!
Mary: Mom, there’s over a foot of snow on the ground!
Lucinda: So?
Mary: There’s no way I would’ve ever driven over in that!
Lucinda: You’re just letting Mother Nature control us like that?
Mary: Yes.
Lucinda: This is wrong! We should be together on Christmas!
Mary: We’ll be together to celebrate as soon as this is cleared up. It’s not worth risking it.
Lucinda: It is to me!
Mary: Mom, just enjoy Christmas with Gretchen and her family. You’ll have a nice day, I promise.
Lucinda: If you insist…
Mary: I’ll talk to you soon.
Lucinda: Bye.
Lucinda hangs up.
Anthony: All right, most Christmas Eve traditions are ruined by this, but we’ve got plenty of great ones we can still do. We can sing carols amongst ourselves! We can still play our card game, we can -
Gretchen: Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I’m dealing with constituents right now. Chatting with them about the situation is the least I can do after I ruined Christmas for so many people.
Lucinda: Including me!
Anthony: You didn’t ruin it for anyone. The snow ruined it.
Carol: It sure did.
Christina: Can we at least all still wear funny festive hats?
Gretchen: I don’t see why not.
The next morning, the doorbell rings.
Gretchen: Anthony, was that the door?
Anthony: Yeah, but it’s six in the morning?
Gretchen: Mom will get it.
Anthony: Yeah, back to bed. The kids will be up to open their presents soon enough, we need the rest.
Gretchen: Although, not as if we’re going to have to throw a big Christmas party today…
Carol opens the door.
Carol: Susana!
Gretchen: Oh god, Carol’s having depression-fueled hallucinations. I gotta go make sure she doesn’t stumble out into the snow and get hypothermia.
Gretchen rushes down the stairs.
Gretchen: Oh my god, Susana! What are you doing here? The blizzard!
Susana: I had to see mom. When the flight got canceled, I hopped right in my car and drove. Several detours, lots of stopping, and a few scary moments later, here I am.
Carol: This is the best Christmas miracle I could’ve ever imagined!
Susana: I’m so glad to see you!
Lucinda: Oh, so she gets to see her daughter for Christmas?
Susana: I wouldn’t recommend anyone driving on it, really.
Lucinda: Good for you, they should make you Secretary of Transportation.
Gretchen: Come in, you need some rest. The kids will be up in a few hours, we can all celebrate this magical day then!
Carol: I love when Christmas works its magic. I almost believe in Santa again!
Susana: Wait, why wouldn’t you believe in Santa?
Lucinda: Oh my god, did you never tell her?
Susana: Just a joke, I’m not sheltered. Not that sheltered, that is.
What did you think of the Raymond Island holiday special? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the Bake Your Heart Out holiday special next Monday! Raymond Island returns for the rest of season five in spring 2025!
