SETTING: Corporate office of RSN, located in a small office building in downtown Topeka, Kansas. The company, whose name stands for Regional Sports Network, owns and operates stations in Los Angeles, Indianapolis, Santa Fe, Anchorage, and Bridgeport, all of varying success. Constantly looking for ways to cut costs, RSN’s corporate office is now comprised of the CEO and one liaison for each station. SASHA, the liaison to RSN Santa Fe, has just received an email from the station containing a new holiday promo for the Santa Fe Primitives, a newly relocated major league baseball team preparing for their inaugural season. The promo opens with MANNY, RSN Santa Fe’s new station manager and former Primitives benchwarmer from when the team played in Indianapolis, addressing the camera directly while dressed as Santa Claus.
MANNY: Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas from Santa Fe Claus! Santa Fe Claus is watching you, and wants you to tune in to RSN Santa Fe this March to watch Opening Day for the Santa Fe Primitives. Santa’s favorite team! Santa Fe, that is! Check your local listings.
The promo ends abruptly. SASHA keeps watching for a couple seconds, waiting to see if there’s anything else to it, then bursts out laughing. This gets the attention of her co-workers: KYLIE, NICOLE, AUSTIN, BLAKE, and TREVOR. One by one, they gather by her cubicle.
NICOLE
Alright, let’s see this thing.
SASHA plays the promo again for her co-workers to see.
BLAKE
There’s no way Santa Fe actually thinks you’re gonna approve this.
SASHA
I think they do. Not like their jobs are in any danger.
NICOLE
Why would they feel like they have job security? Their ratings suck!
SASHA
They probably figure the Primitives coming to town will save their asses no matter what they do.
BLAKE
Don’t they have, like, any fear whatsoever about looking like fools? I mean look at this! Santa Fe Claus?! Who the hell does that appeal to? He doesn’t even look anything like Santa, just some low-budget copycat.
KYLIE
I wouldn’t approve this if I were you, Sasha. Not with everything that’s on the line.
SASHA INTERVIEW
I’ve been here for seven years, and every year I’ve kind of just coasted since management understood there’s nothing anyone can do to save RSN Santa Fe. Almost got shut down several times, but now we got the Primitives who are really the first big draw for the station. Other than Bad At Badminton. So I get it, the stakes are high, but I have this under control. [SASHA pauses.] That’s what I tell myself every day before I walk into the office. Was I convincing?
BLAKE
This is what happens when you have no budget!
TREVOR
Chill out man, I’m sure Sasha will just have them send her a new one. It’s not a big deal.
NICOLE
Like there’s time for that? He’ll have to dress up like a groundhog if Santa Fe still wants to do a timely holiday-themed promo.
SASHA quickly turns her head over to NICOLE in disgust.
BLAKE
Maybe Nicole’s onto something.
NICOLE INTERVIEW
That was not a serious suggestion. Although I wouldn’t rule it out if the Primitives had done this to me while they were in Indianapolis.
SASHA
I already told them it’s a Christmas promo, and I’m sticking to that.
KYLIE
Are you sure you said Christmas or did you say holiday, and they took that to mean Christmas? Because if you said holiday you can just push this off.
SASHA
I oversee Santa Fe. I’ll send them a quick email to make some changes and that’ll be that.
KYLIE, NICOLE, AUSTIN, BLAKE, and TREVOR begin to retreat to their own cubicles as SASHA opens up her inbox to respond to RSN Santa Fe. However, she accidentally sends the email to BENNY, RSN’s CEO. Soon after, BENNY exits his office to make an announcement.
BENNY
I don’t like the way the vending machine in the break room is ordered. You guys need to rearrange it. Snacks in row D, beer in row B, candy in row C sorted alphabetically. Sodas and water go in row A. Beer in row B. I want Blake working on Row A, Nicole on Row Beer—I mean B, Trevor on Row C, and Kylie on Row D. Austin, you put whatever’s left in Row E. Sasha, I’ll be over to your desk in a few minutes.
Everyone is visibly stunned. BENNY walks back to his office.
BENNY INTERVIEW
Being a good CEO means recognizing when your employees are screwing up, and then distracting them so you can minimize the damage. This should keep them distracted long enough for me to save Santa Fe Claus.
CUT to BLAKE, NICOLE, TREVOR, KYLIE, and AUSTIN in the break room, staring at the vending machine.
NICOLE
There’s no beer. How are we supposed to move the beer to Row B if there’s no beer?
BLAKE
Eh. Benny’s obviously just trying to assert himself as the authority figure now that he’s back.
BLAKE INTERVIEW
The board of directors fired Benny several years ago. Basically our stations were losing all their viewers and he was doing nothing about it. Then new management came in and had to shut down or sell off like 15 stations or something crazy like that, so now they’re out and he’s…back. Come to learn the only thing worse than Benny’s inaction is Benny actually taking action. Thanks to his bold leadership, all our station managers are now ex-bullpen benchwarmers for the Primitives. They have no office experience which is kind of concerning, and now I’m stuck here overseeing a new Bridgeport station when I was crushing it with Detroit. [BLAKE takes a deep breath.] Good thing they still pay me well.
AUSTIN
Should we send Sasha on a beer run?
KYLIE
No, Sasha’s busy dealing with Santa Fe. It’s a miracle Benny didn’t pull her aside too.
KYLIE starts placing sodas in Row A.
TREVOR
Kylie’s right, Benny’s got bigger things to worry about. Let’s just hurry up and get back to our little cubicles so we can get back to our jobs.
TREVOR INTERVIEW
What’s my job? Well…I’m not really sure anymore. Local baseball team bought my station. Nobody’s laid me off though, so I guess I still work here. Not a huge fan of the commute but…overall it’s worth staying as long as they let me.
KYLIE
Trevor, the way I see it, this is the best you’ve been put to use in a month. Now help me out here.
TREVOR helps KYLIE with placing sodas in Row A. NICOLE and BLAKE jam snacks in random slots, and AUSTIN sorts candy in whatever empty spot he can find. After all items have been placed in the vending machine, NICOLE, BLAKE, TREVOR, and KYLIE return to their cubicles, assuming nobody will notice. BENNY is standing near SASHA in SASHA’s cubicle, laughing as she repeatedly plays the Santa Fe Claus promo for him on request. He looks up when NICOLE, BLAKE, TREVOR, KYLIE, and AUSTIN arrive.
BENNY
You guys finished? Finally, beer o’clock!
BLAKE
Benny wait—
BENNY runs over to the vending machine, only to find no beer.
BENNY INTERVIEW
Time for payback.
CUT to BENNY approaching KYLIE, NICOLE, BLAKE, TREVOR, and AUSTIN at their cubicles, where SASHA is also located. BENNY looks at them and holds up a bag of pretzels. NICOLE makes eye contact.
NICOLE
Should I ask?
BENNY
This isn’t beer.
NICOLE
There was no beer. We had to improvise.
BENNY
Nicole, Row B was your row, remember?
NICOLE
I remember, but—
BENNY
Quit with the buts. All I see are assholes. You guys are lucky I’m in a good mood or you could’ve been in big trouble.
NICOLE
Again…should I ask?
BENNY looks baffled.
BENNY
Oh you haven’t seen the promo yet?
BENNY INTERVIEW
Yes, I’m playing dumb. Any good CEO plays dumb. This is what they get for trying to kill Santa Fe Claus. Might as well just stick a fork in Christmas while they’re at it.
TREVOR
Damn Sasha, they got back to you that fast?
BENNY
Sasha, show them the promo!
SASHA looks horrifed, knowing what’s about to come. She presses play on the same Santa Fe Claus promo they all watched together earlier. They find BENNY thoroughly enjoying it.
BENNY
Oh, isn’t it great? We’re gonna have all our stations do this!
KYLIE
That’s it, that’s where I draw the line. Los Angeles is way above this shit. And Benny, take it from me, this is going to do nothing to help Santa Fe’s ratings.
KYLIE INTERVIEW
Not to brag, but RSN Los Angeles has been our highest-rated station every season. There’s literally nothing their new management can do to screw this up. But I’m kinda concerned about Sasha, she’s in trouble if Santa Fe doesn’t do better next year.
AUSTIN
With all due respect, this can’t be approved for Anchorage. We’re in do-or-die mode! It’s bad enough we have zero professional sports teams there!
BENNY
Too late, already approved. Can’t wait for my assistant to start, he’d back me up.
BLAKE INTERVIEW
Another ex-bullpen scrub. We’ll see how that works out.
BENNY retreats to his office and picks up the phone.
SASHA
He’s on a fake phone call, right?
AUSTIN
Absolutely. Now if you guys don’t mind, I’m gonna go back to my job of trying to figure out how the hell a regional sports network in Anchorage is the key to RSN’s survival as a company.
NICOLE
Yeah, I should reach out to my people and call off the promo before I have to endure Indianapolis Claus.
KYLIE, AUSTIN, BLAKE, NICOLE, and TREVOR return to their collective cubicles. Shortly thereafter, all but TREVOR let out a collective groan, having just received poorly-made holiday-themed promos from their own stations. BENNY comes running over.
BENNY
I heard groans.
BENNY INTERVIEW
If you want to be respected around the office, you have to be proactive. So when I see something isn’t going right, you bet I’m gonna stop what I’m doing and fix it. I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made last time I was CEO, and I think it’s made me a better boss.
NICOLE
Thanks to you, I have to endure Santa Indianapolis. This is even worse than I thought it would be!
AUSTIN
My Santa’s a lame knock-off, everyone watching RSN Anchorage will know we have a cheap imitator!
BLAKE
Benny, these can’t air.
BENNY
What do you want to just…cancel Christmas and tell our stations they spent money for nothing?! People are going to love these promos. You’ll see!
BENNY walks back to his office.
SASHA INTERVIEW
I just tell myself Benny’s learned from last time. He must have, or else the board wouldn’t have re-hired him. [SASHA starts to leave, then returns.] Also you did catch Benny calling them all assholes because of beer, right? You’d think he’d be on better behavior given you guys are sending this footage to the board. [SASHA pauses again as a cameraman whispers in her ear.] Oh, he doesn’t know?