Aimee, Gwen and Lynette are talking as they walk out of the Appropriations Committee hearing.
Gwen: Two week break just ahead of us, ladies. Excited?
Aimee: Is it really a “break” when it’s Thanksgiving? That’s more work than talking in some committee hearings and dealing with annoying lobbyists. And that’s saying, because that work is very irritating.
Gwen: Are you having your family over for Thanksgiving?
Aimee: No, I’m going to my mom’s. I do have to make some sides, though. And I have to deal with my mother. She’s always so stressed this time of year, it changes her whole personality.
Gwen: Well, I’m glad I’ve retired from Thanksgiving. I’m bringing the pumpkin pie. The secret? It’s from Costco.
Aimee: It’s a good deal, can’t fault you for it.
Lynette: I’ve been meaning to ask you both something, actually. I know how you guys want to see my family ranch and see how it’s run -
Gwen: I don’t think I’ve said anything of the sort, actually. Quite the opposite, really.
Lynette: Well, we have plenty of time off before Thanksgiving, I was wondering if you guys would like to come visit it. I can give you the full dude ranch experience!
Gwen: I’m, uh… very busy. Thanksgiving, you know, it takes a lot out of you.
Lynette: You just said -
Gwen: I said nothing.
Lynette: Did you just try to use a Jedi mind trick on me?
Gwen: I would never, although I did star as Princess Leia in Star Wars: The Musical on Broadway. Well, not quite on Broadway. They tried their hardest, that’s all I’m allowed to say, for legal purposes.
Aimee: Did they make you si-
Gwen: Ah! Don’t!
Lynette: We won’t tell on you.
Gwen: They have eyes everywhere.
Lynette: So about visiting one my ranch, what do you gals think?
Gwen: I already said, I’m swamped.
Lynette: You just said you don’t even need to cook for Thanksgiving anymore.
Gwen: I know, Lynette, but I’ll be honest with you: flying across the country days before Thanksgiving to do… whatever it is you do on a ranch and meet your war criminal father is just not my personal idea of holiday fun.
Lynette: I thought it could be a nice bonding activity!
Gwen: I think we’ve bonded enough. Maybe Senator Sherwood would be up for it, he’s quite icy towards you.
Lynette: I asked, he laughed in my face.
Gwen: Sounds like him.
Aimee: I’m already flying out that way… I’ll stop in for a night, Lynette.
Lynette: Really? Ohm, you’re a doll.
Gwen: Aimee, are you sure?
Aimee: As long as I can bring my kids and, I suppose, my aunt, I don’t see why not. It’s just a night.
Lynette: We’re gonna have loads of fun, Aimee! You’ll see!
Gwen: Oh, I’m sure you will.
Aimee: Well, this is my stop. I’ll see you gals later.
Gwen: Transportation? Do you guys have a hearing today?
Lynette: Do you even have meetings at all?
Aimee: No, I just forgot my sweater in here during yesterday’s hearing.
Alma: Are you the cleaning crew? There’s a mess all over the floor and no one’s cleaned it up, you ladies are not doing a very good job!
Aimee: Senator Fredham! Lovely to see you.
Alma: Do I know you?
Gwen: The hell is she doing here? Did her staff just forget to come claim her yesterday?
Aimee: She does this sometimes.
Gwen: And California just… re-elected her?
Aimee: We live in a cruel world.
Mildred: Alma, you wondered off again!
Alma: No I didn’t!
Mildred: Whatever you say.
Aimee: Isn’t it great being both a senator and a babysitter?
Lynette: Isn’t that usually Melody’s job?
Mildred: She’s gone home for Thanksgiving already, so the job’s been handed to me.
Aimee: Ah, how lucky you are.
Mildred: Tell me about it.
Lynette: Have you guys considered some sort of intervention to get her to step aside?
Mildred: As if she’d understand it. Anyway, I’d better get her ready ready to get on the plane. I have to accompany her back to California because her usual assistant is under the weather and I volunteered, because I’m both nice and an idiot.
Gwen: Well, Aimee, you’re having a nicer Thanksgiving than at least one other person on earth.
Lynette: My ranch is not that bad!
Gwen: “Not that bad,” good way to sell it!
One hour later…
Aimee: Delilah, could you do me a favor?
Delilah: Sure thing, boss. What is it?
Aimee: Cancel my ticket to Portland. I’m flying into Jackson Hole.
Denise: Wyoming? Why would you be going to Wyoming days before Thanksgiving?
Aimee: I promised Lynette I’d visit her and her family at their ranch. She’s been asking for a long time, and I have a bit of free time so I might as well get it over with now.
Denise: Well, in the words of famed singer Chappell Roan, who I just recently heard of - good luck, babe.
Aimee: Yeah, I’m gonna need it! By the way, Delilah, important note!
Delilah: What’s that?
Aimee: Book the earliest flight out of Jackson Hole and into Portland for two days after tomorrow. I’m giving her one day and I’m out.
Denise: I see you’ve already got high hopes for this trip.
Aimee: It’s a favor, not a full-blown vacation.
Denise: It’s going to be full-blown misery.
Aimee: Delilah, can you do me another favor?
Delilah: Sure, why not?
Aimee: Call up my aunt and let her know the change of plans. I’d rather not be the one to break the news to her.
Denise: Oh, she’s gonna love this.
Aimee: She’ll be fine with it! Well, once she has some time to cool off. That’s why I’ve got Delilah doing it first.
Denise: You know, I can’t help but feel that a communication director is supposed to communicate with constituents and not, well, your aunt and Delta Airlines.
Delilah: I don’t mind doing it! It’s a slow week, I’ve spent most of today designing the graphic for this year’s Thanksgiving post on social media.
Denise: Those aren’t just stock art?
Delilah: No, they’re lovingly curated.
Aimee: I think this may be what the Libertarians are going on about when they talk about wasteful government spending.
Denise: They should try winning literally any office if they want a say in how we spend our money!
Aimee: That’s the spirit!
Two days later…
Victoria: I don’t understand why we’re taking a detour to Wyoming, of all places.
Aimee: Lynette’s been asking me to come visit her ranch for years, and I figured I might as well just let her have it.
Victoria: Why’d I get dragged along though?
Dave: You always get dragged along!
Aimee: Exactly! How can I go anywhere without ya?
Victoria: Don’t butter me up just because you’re making me do something you know I’ll hate!
Aimee: I would never! I mean every word I say. In spite of your many… eccentricities, I’ve become quite accustomed to having you around.
Victoria: Just a warning, then: if you want to keep me around, you may have to hold me back to keep from accosting Lynette’s father. I’m not fond of the man.
Aimee: Oh, uh… I’m aware.
Victoria: Do you know the damage this man did to this country when he was in power?
Aimee: I know the damage you personally feel he did.
Victoria: Do you like him?
Aimee: I don’t think the man was a particularly good vice president, no. That being said, I don’t think he single-handedly caused the downfall of America.
Victoria: We can agree to disagree on that one.
Lynette: Gang, you made it!
Victoria: Unfortunately.
Aimee: Ignore her, travel makes her grumpy.
Victoria: Only when it’s through Wyoming.
Dave: She doesn’t like Republicans much.
Lynette: You like me, though, right?
Victoria: You’re fine. You’re no Carolyn.
Lynette: Well that cut like a knife.
Aimee: Just think, you’re a senator, Carolyn never will be. That should make you feel better than her.
Lynette: It does, thank you.
Victoria: Yeah, but she’s more fun.
Aimee: You can’t just let her get a win?
Victoria: No, she’s the reason I’m here.
Aimee: What do you have to get back to in Washington?
Victoria: General civilization.
Aimee: Can you be optimistic about this trip for a second? It’s a beautiful state.
Lynette: Look, Aimee. I live in Wyoming, it’s home, I love it here. Even I can admit, we’re not the first state you think of when you think of “civilization.”
Aimee: That… is true, yes.
Victoria: See, I’m right! I’m always right!
Aimee: I don’t think anyone said that.
Victoria: Besides, her dad liv-
Dave: You know, travel really tuckers her out, I think she needs a good nap. I’m just gonna let her rest on this couch over here while we load up the car.
Victoria: I don’t need a nap! I slept on the plane! Being able to do so is one of my greatest characteristics!
Dave: Im just trying to save you from saying anything -
Victoria: You know, Lynette, I’ve always found your father to be an evil, evil man.
Dave: And she said it.
Aimee: In hindsight, this was a bad idea. A terrible one, even. The worst idea anyone’s ever had.
Lynette: My father is a wonderful man.
Victoria: And I’m the queen of England. Anything can be true if we delude ourselves into believing it!
Dave: What a visit this will be!
Aimee: We just have to survive thirty-six hours, it can’t be that hard.
Lynette: I can’t help but feel slightly hurt that you’re already counting down to the moment you can leave.
Aimee: It’s not that we can’t wait to leave. It’s that we can’t wait until we don’t have to hear aunt Victoria complain about how we’re here.
Victoria: I won’t be silenced.
Dave: Oh, we’re well aware.
One hour later…
Lynette: This is Chaffee Ranch!
Victoria: Where’s the elderly war criminal?
Lynette: He’s inside. And he’s not a war criminal!
Victoria: He is, but it’s fine. The current president is so bad that I hate him even worse than I ever hated your father.
Lynette: My father was never president, we all know the vice president does almost nothing.
Victoria: Not your dad!
Rick: Were you all calling for me? Howdy, Rick Chafee, former Vice President.
Victoria: Oh, I’m awa-
Aimee: Sir, it’s an honor. I didn’t realize you were such a skilled horse rider.
Rick: I’ve had a lot of time to practice, I’ve been out of the game for a long, long time.
Victoria: Thank god! Do you know the damage you caused to our country? How do you live with yourself?
Rick: I did my very best to protect and defend our country, and I may not have always made the right choice, but I can live knowing that I did what I felt was right.
Victoria: You almost never did the right thing.
Aimee: Aunt Victoria, let’s just get settled in and leave Vice President Chaffee alone.
Victoria: Why, you afraid he’s going to also shoot me in the back and force me to apologize?
Rick: That was a tragic accident, and he did eventually learn to walk again.
Victoria: I’m very old, I don’t think I’ll fare as well.
Rick: He was actually old, too!
Victoria: I was giving you an opening to tell me I’m not old and build up a bit of goodwill. You failed!
Rick: I didn’t kn-
Victoria: The point of saying kind things is that you do them out of the good of your heart, not because you thought you were being tested.
Rick: I don’t think I can win with you.
Victoria: Not unless you’ve built a time machine and can fix all your mistakes!
Lynette: Aimee, Dave, let me show you around!
Aimee: I’m afraid to leave them alone, aunt Vic might kill your dad.
Victoria: No, unlike him, I’m a pacifist. I’ll let him go on, knowing someday soon, he will face judgment before God.
Aimee: That is dark.
Victoria: Much darkness is in his future.
Lynette: Okay, so time for the tour!
Three hours later…
Lianne (Lynette’s mom): Senator Ferrera Donahue, it is so lovely to finally get to meet you. Lynette talks about you quite a bit.
Aimee: We’ve actually already met, just briefly. And you can just call me Aimee.
Lianne: We have? Im sorry, I don’t remember.
Aimee: It was the day we were sworn in. It was a crazy day, I can’t blame you for not remembering.
Lianne: Oh, right! We just met in passing.
Mark (Lynette’s husband): It’s good to finally have you here. Like Leanne said, Lynette’s quite fond of you. You’re sort of her best friend in the Senate. She often says you’re her only friend in the Senate.
Aimee: She took on a big spotlight during that impeachment drama, and a lot of the other Republicans didn’t appreciate it. I think it was brave, so she’s got a friend in me.
Lynette: Aww, Aimee, you’re so sweet.
Aimee: Besides, I have to be friends with her! Who else would teach me to ride horseback or let me pet their donkey or give me a place to go skeet shooting?
Lynette: We did have fun today, didn’t we?
Aimee: Yeah, I’m exhausted. I had to fly today and now you’re giving me the full ranch experience without a minute’s rest.
Lynette: I’ve got thirty-six hours to cram everything in! I need to fly through it!
Lianne: Well, let’s focus on eating dinner first.
Victoria: I won’t eat anything made in the kitchen of a mass murderer.
Dave: Ah, here we go again.
Victoria: I’m just fully, completely opposed to palling around with a monster like that man.
Rick: I get you have a problem with me, but this is my daughter’s home. I live here, you don’t. Can you respect me en-
Victoria: No, I have no respect for you.
Aimee: Oh, look, my phone’s ringing! Gotta answer, it’s surely important!
Aimee picks up her phone and walks into another room.
Aimee: Mom! God bless you, you saved me from a horribly tense dinner with aunt Vic and Lynette’s dad.
Cherie: That’s wonderful, Aimee. I’m about to be murdered.
Aimee: What?
Kimmy: She’s an insane person.
Cherie: Is it insane to think a car parked across the street with blacked out windows may have ill intent?
Kimmy: Yes.
Cherie: It’s not! Tell her it’s not, Aimee!
Kimmy: Mom, you’re not insane.
Cherie: Thank you!
Kimmy: She is absolutely insane!
Cherie: The man got out of the car, put binoculars on, and stared at our house!
Kimmy: He could’ve been bird watching! Dad, tell her she’s nuts!
Ernesto: Oh, the only person in this house more scared than your mother is me. That man’s up to no good.
Kimmy: You didn’t even see him!
Ernesto: I didn’t ned to! The way she described him was terrifying enough!
Manuela: You people are a bunch of babies. Nesto, I didn’t raise you that way.
Ernesto: I have a fear of death, I’m sorry.
Kimmy: What is he going to do? Stare us to death? He’s not Medusa!
Ernesto: He’s making a game plan, he’s going to do something to us.
Cherie: He’s been out there for hours!
Aimee: Guys, can I talk?
Cherie: I’m sorry, we’re panicking.
Kimmy: Not all of us!
Aimee: I’d just like to remind you that you called me, presumably for advice or to calm you down or -
Cherie: You’re a senator. Get the cops over here.
Aimee: I don’t think you need to be a senator to -
Cherie: They told us there was nothing to worry about, that it’s likely nothing.
Kimmy: How irrational!
Cherie: They don’t care about us!
Kimmy: Well, Michael Jackson, I think that’s a big assumption to make just because they didn’t drop everything to investigate literally nothing.
Aimee: I can call, I can tell them I’m concerned for your wellbeing. Really, though, I think you should all just -
Ernesto: Oh, the car’s leaving.
Cherie: I bet he’s off to get backup!
Ernesto: What if he placed a bomb?
Manuela: Good. Take me out of my misery.
Kimmy: So what’s this about Aunt Victoria fighting with Vice President Chaffee?
Aimee: Oh, it’s bad. She’s acting like a terror.
Cherie: That is not news.
Aimee: She just infuriates me when she gets like this! Remember when she did it with Victor Mulcahy?
Cherie: He deserved it.
Aimee: He did, but he was still in charge of the Republican caucus. It could’ve had real repercussions on my career. She didn’t care. Now this is impacting my friendship, and my sanity.
Kimmy: But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
Aimee: The ranch is lovely. If only it didn’t have a screaming liberal banshee on it…
Kimmy: Screaming liberal banshee, that should be my handle on Twitter.
Ten minutes later…
Rick: You just don’t get it, you were never in the Oval Office making these decisions!
Victoria: I’d have never made the mistakes you made. Ever!
Rick: I’m glad you’re so perfect and pure!
Victoria: You’re a madman, you killed innocent people just to enrich yourself and your friends.
Rick: That is a lie, and the situation is far more nuanced than I could ever get across in a conversation where you’re screaming at me.
Lianne: I think if we all just have some biscuits, that’ll calm us down.
Lynette: I can’t do this! I wanted a nice few days with my friend right before Thanksgiving, and now I’ve got you two screaming at each other and ruining this visit like you’re hosts on The View! I’m leaving!
Lianne: Lynette, dear, don’t leave!
Rick: It’s not my fau-
Victoria: Oh, buddy. You’ve been saying that for twenty years, and still, no one buys it.
Aimee: What in the heck is going on here?
Lianne: They kept arguing and screaming like children, and it’s sent Lynette off crying.
Mick: She does this sometimes.
Lianne: It’s an absolute travesty, two senior citizens can’t put aside their differences and get along for the sake of people they claim to love. Rick, you know people have their issues with what you did in office, why must you keep fighting them? And Victoria, I don’t know you, and you’ve not made a good first impression. However, surely you’re enough of an adult to know that when you enter someone’s home, you owe them at least a small modicum of respect? So try exercising that and keep your mouth shut.
Mick: I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Dave: Aimee, where are you going? We don’t need two of you running of crying and hiding.
Aimee: I’m going to find her, and I don’t know the next step after that, but I can’t stand to see her upset like this when I know how excited she was about our visit.
Aimee walks outside, repeatedly tries to mount one of Lynette’s horses and continues to fall off, before finally getting on. She rides the horse until locating Lynette.
Aimee: Lynette! What are you doing sitting under a tree? It’s getting dark!
Lynette: How did you find me?
Aimee: These horses, you know, they’re quite smart. They know your scent I believe. Thank god I rode this horse, which I absolutely did not have any difficulty getting onto whatsoever.
Lynette: Damn horses!
Aimee: Wild horses, they’re going to drag you away. Right back to your house.
Lynette: Not the hell house! Anywhere but there.
Aimee: It’s freezing outside, you’re going to catch a cold.
Lynette: I’d rather catch a cold than deal with those two nuts. They’ve ruined our fun trip.
Aimee: No, we’re going to have a good day tomorrow. Tonight, too. Victoria will learn to behave, and she and your dad will stop going after each other. Though, Aunt Victoria was obviously the one most out of line.
Lynette: Dad has a lot of detractors, he usually doesn’t go at it with them quite like this.
Aimee: Well, Aunt Victoria is uniquely… we’ll just go with unique.
Lynette: Can you help me up?
Aimee: Of course. And, I don’t know what awaits us at the house, but I can tell you a fun story about my mom thinking a car parked across the street from her house for a few hours meant she was about to be murdered.
Lynette: Somehow, that’s the most sane thing one of our elders has done today.
Aimee: Oh, come on, your mom’s lovely. Her biscuits look delicious.
Lynette: She does make good biscuits.
Two days later…
Aimee: Lynette, thank you for opening your home to us. We will be back soon. We have to get going, our flight is leaving soon.
Victoria: Again, I’m sorry for the commotion. Your dad’s politics are abhorrent, but he’s not there worst company once you get past that.
Lynette: You were wonderful guests. Some of you, at least.
Victoria: She’s excluding you, Dave.
Dave: I did nothing wrong.
Aimee: I don’t know, babe, you did scare those buffalo off.
Dave: That was not my fault.
Aimee: Whatever you say.
What did you think of this episode of Evergreen Aimee? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
