Cindy: Is it just me, or did Christmas sneak up on us this year?
Danielle: It feels like it was just Thanksgiving a week ago.
Frank: Well, it was.
Teri: Shut up, Frank.
Frank: Okay, that did not warrant a “shut up Frank.”
Teri: I don’t think you get to be the judge of that, Frank.
Frank: I don’t see why not!
Karl: Can we just hit pause on harassing Frank? At least until dinner’s over?
Frank: Thank you, Karl! She can be such a bully sometimes!
Karl: Don’t push it, Frank.
Frank: Got it.
Betty: I’m so excited! I’ve already got my new Christmas cards, I bought a few new Hallmark ornaments, I’ve got all my decorations out - oh, it’s just so exciting!
Jerry: The most wonderful time of the year.
Teri: Not around her.
Betty: Excuse me?
Teri: You’re quite insane about Christmas.
Betty: So liking Christmas is insane?
Teri: Liking it to the degree you do? A bit.
Betty: That’s not true.
Steven: Grandma Betty, I want you to know I love you, so don’t overreact.
Betty: Don’t say anything crazy and I won’t “overreact.”
Steven: Last year, I got a DVD set of the Halloween movies on Blu Ray and you threw it down the stairs because it was ruining the “Christmas spirit.”
Betty: A Halloween movie is not a proper Christmas gift, Tammi!
Tammi: He asked for it
Betty: It’s not allowed under my Christmas tree.
Danielle: Well, I guess I have to return that jack-o’-lantern sweater I bought you.
Betty: Don’t even joke like that!
Cindy: I think her love of Christmas is a beautiful thing. There’s never anything wrong with celebrating the birth of our Lord.
Teri: That’s swell, Cindy. I don’t know how you can look at this house or see how much our mother stresses herself out over a “perfect Christmas” and think this is what Jesus would want, or that a psychiatrist wouldn’t find this concerning.
Cindy: I didn’t say the level of celebration isn’t a lot, but I do think it’s nice.
Ralph: This could’ve been a Dr. Phil episode. Look at this house. I probably would’ve called up the show to get her on if I didn’t hate the bastard.
Tammi: I love Dr. Phil.
Ralph: That’s very concerning.
Teri: I love Christmas, you all know that I love Christmas. I’m not a Grinch. I just think there should be a bit of self-control shown. It would also be nice to have any Christmas decorations in this house that mom didn’t personally pick out.
Tammi: That’s not true, she let me put one of my things out.
Cindy: That’s more than I got. She told me my decorations are tacky.
Betty: Even my defender is dragging my name through the mud now. This is not very holly and jolly!
Ralph: Face it, mom, you like to lead.
Betty: That’s not a negative quality to anyone sane! And I respect all of your opinions. I let half of you be Republicans, you think that doesn’t break my heart a little?
Jerry: Let us?
Betty: I let you.
Teri: I’m sure you will respect this view of mine, then. Since you’re so accepting and respectful.
Betty: Go ahead.
Teri: I will not be sending out Christmas cards this year.
Betty: The hell you’re not!
Cindy: We don’t say that word in this house!
Ralph: Go to hell, Cindy!
Cindy pretends to faint.
Ralph: Get off the floor.
Danielle: Why have I allowed myself to be adopted into this family?
Mitchell: Idiocy?
Danielle: I wouldn’t talk about idiocy if I were you.
Teri: Mom, you told me you’d respect my view.
Betty: Not one as stupid as that!
Teri: It’s my own decision to make. It impacts you in no way.
Frank: We all live in the same house, I’ve never understood why we can’t just put all our names on one card.
Teri: Shut up, Frank!
Frank: I was taking your side.
Teri: I know, but that’s gonna make me lose the argument by default! Bet you did it on purpose!
Betty: This is ridiculous! This is the real War on Christmas!
Ralph: You sound like a Republican now!
Betty: Maybe they have one single point with that one.
Ralph: They do not.
Jerry: We do. Although, not on this. Betty, Christmas cards are such a thing of the past.
Betty: They are not!
Steven: People send Christmas cards?
Betty: Oh my god. I could die.
Karl: Please don’t. We don’t have the money to afford a funeral, not with all the decorations you bought this year.
Betty: Teri, why are you not sending them anymore? You always took such joy in writing them!
Teri: Well, it’s sort of what’s already been said. People see them as a thing of the past. No one ever sends cards back anymore. I think I got five last year, when I sent almost thirty. That’s a pretty terrible ratio.
Betty: Christmas isn’t about getting! It’s about giving!
Teri: I don’t think it’ll ruin anyone’s Christmas if they don’t get a piece of card stock with a cartoon reindeer on it.
Betty: You don’t know that! That’s a bit of holiday cheer to make someone’s day better!
Teri: If they cared enough about it for it to cheer them up, then they’d have sent a card back. Only five people did. It’s not worth my time. That’s hours I could use on something more important. So, almost anything else.
Betty: But it’s our tradition to write them out together and watch holiday movies.
Jerry: CHRISTMAS movies.
Betty: Holiday movies, we watched a Hallmark Hanukkah movie once, too.
Jerry: We’re not Jewish.
Velma: And yet we all love Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah song.
Teri: Mom, I promise you, we can still watch Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas together. Just… not while I‘m writing cards. It’s far more trouble than it’s worth. End of story.
Betty: The story ends when I say it ends!
Ralph: That’s ominous.
The next day…
Karl: Betty, what are you holding?
Betty: Nothing.
Karl: Doesn’t look like nothing.
Betty: Its nothing. Really, it is!
Karl: It’s a book.
Betty: You know how much I love to read.
Karl: So much that you read address books?
Betty: Only book in the house I haven’t read aside from Jerry’s Rush Limbaugh books! And I’d rather be illiterate than read those!
Karl: That’s not our address book, it’s in far too good of shape. Whose is it?
Betty: No one’s!
Karl: You’re up to something, you’re being far too secretive.
Betty: I would never.
Karl grabs the book.
Karl: This is Teri’s! It’s her handwriting! What’s are you doing with it?
Betty: It’s for a good purpose!
Karl: I’ll be the judge.
Betty: It’s for a wonderful, kind, and Christmassy.
Karl: See, this is why the kids say you have an unhealthy relationship with Christmas. How does that book tie into Christmas?
Betty: My plan is to write to people in her address book and ask them to send her Christmas cards to help her recapture the spirit and magic of Christmas. I’m enclosing a card and an envelope with a postage stamp so all they have to do is fill it out. I already bought a box of mixed cards from the store today, the plan’s well in motion.
Karl: What good is that supposed to do?
Betty: Make her realize that Christmas cards are magical tradition that still have a place today! If she gets a bunch of cards, she’ll see that the tradition isn’t dead!
Karl: But it’s all artificial! What happens next year when none of these people write again? And that’s if the harebrained scheme works at all.
Betty: I think it’s a wonderful idea, stop insulting it.
Karl: We’re going to get you some help, you clearly need it.
Betty: Do not!
One week later…
Teri: Has anyone else gotten a lot of Christmas cards lately?
Tammi: No more than usual.
Teri: Huh.
Tammi: Have you?
Teri: Yeah. It’s odd.
Tammi: If more people sent to you after you boycotted cards and I spent hours at the table writing them out, I’m gonna be pissed.
Cindy: Jesus wouldn’t want you to obsess over what you receive! It’s about giving!
Tammi: She gave nothing! I deserve to receive more than her!
Teri: Look, I’m as confused as you are. I get five cards a year, now suddenly I’ve got seven on one day? And I already got three yesterday. This is some weird stuff.
Danielle: Do you think the karmic gods are repaying you for your affront to Christmas?
Teri: No, Danielle, I don’t think my Christmas card habits are the top priority of whoever’s running the show up there.
Danielle: Maybe I should skip Christmas cards this year if I want to get some cards.
Teri: I don’t know if that would work, it’s not even the middle of December yet, no one could possibly even know I was skipping cards by now.
Cindy: God knows.
Teri: All right, I’m a bit uncomfortable with all the implications that God is getting his revenge on my for not sending out cards commemorating the birth of his son.
Steven: Hey, aunt Teri, here’s another card for you.
Teri: This is too much. Who’s this one from?
Steven: Anita!
Teri: Something’s wrong.
Cindy: Mom might burn you alive if she finds that card, better hide it!
Tammi: I appreciate that she was petty about it and didn’t think anyone in this family was worth wasting a postage stamp on.
Velma: They are pretty expensive, almost three quarters per stamp!
Teri: That’s not great, but, uh… you need to be less open about your frugality.
Velma: I’m quite proud of it!
Teri: You should not be.
Danielle: Yeah, after all, Mitchell may have won Survivor this summer!
Teri: Ah, Danielle, you kill me!
The next day…
Teri: Cindy, can I ask you a question?
Cindy: I don’t think I have much of a choice, anyway. Fire away.
Teri: Does this card not look eerily similar to one mom sent out last year?
Cindy: How could I possibly remember that?
Teri: It’s says “Well I’ll be dammed, it’s Christmas” and it has a beaver on it, who else but our mother would have that? And how could you ever forget it once you saw it?
Ralph: I remember it!
Velma: Where’d you get that card?
Teri: In the mail today, sent by my college roommate who I haven’t spoken to since, uh… roughly our ten-year reunion.
Tammi: But that was -
Teri: We don’t have to express aloud how long ago that was.
Cindy: So what are you thinking happened here?
Teri: I don’t know, but it has mom written all over it.
Betty: What has mom written all over it?
Teri: Absolutely nothing, mother!
Betty: Aww, you’re talking about my Christmas gift! I’ll get out of your hair. I know it’s got to be something very special if you’re being so secretive!
Teri: Oh, it is!
Betty walks away.
Teri: So what do we think is going on here?
Jerry: Do we care?
Teri: You don’t have to care, but I am very concerned. This card business is so strange, I’ve never seen anything like it. Fourteen cards in the span of three days, it’s not normal! Especially not when I haven’t sent a single one! I’m feeling increasingly guilty about that, by the way, and I can’t help but feel that’s the point! I should probably write back to Deena, though. I mean, all that time I haven’t heard from her, she must be writing to me for some reason. She didn’t put an address label on her card, so I’d have to go find it in my book.
Mitchell: I think you should worry about finding her a gift that’s really good, you did promise her one.
Teri: I think you should work on keeping your mouth shut, you’re approaching Frank territory.
Frank: That ain’t good, Mitchell. Get yourself in line.
Teri: When Frank is telling you to get your act together…
Cindy: We do need to get something good for mom, though. None of us have brainstormed any good ideas.
Velma: I think a beautiful Christmas together is gift enough for her!
Danielle: Cheapskate.
Teri heads upstairs to her room and immediately rushes back down.
Teri: Has anyone seen my address book?
Ralph: Why would I have seen your address book?
Teri: Well, someone’s taken it!
Ralph: Wow, I wonder who.
Mitchell: We all think it’s Betty, right?
Ralph: Thank you, Columbo.
Karl: I just got home, I heard very little of this, but before anyone gets themselves crazy… yes, your mother did steal your address book.
Ralph: Truly shocking! I never could’ve imagined my mother doing something crazy like this!
Karl: Yeah, I know, it’s disturbingly in-character for her.
Teri: What is she doing with my address book?
Cindy: Have you not put the pieces together yet?
Teri: For what?
Cindy: Mom’s clearly got something to do with all these mystery cards.
Teri: You think she’s forging them and just writing other peoples’ addresses on the envelope?
Cindy: I don’t know the logistics, and I think we’d recognize her handwriting if that were the case, but this has her written all over it. The woman’s a nut.
Tammi: Is she part elf? How does anyone love Christmas this much?
Ralph: Severe mental illness.
Karl: I didn’t think she actually went through with it, I did discourage her from doing so, but the plan was to use the names in your address book, send them a letter explaining you’ve lost your joy for Christmas and requesting that they send a card to help you restore it, and also include a card and a stamped envelope to incentivize them to return it.
Teri: Oh my god! This is so embarrassing!
Karl: Did she go through with it? Do we have proof?
Cindy: Well, Teri’s gotten like twenty cards without sending any out, so… sure seems like it.
Karl: Teri, I’m so sorry that she’s like this. I never knew it was this bad.
Ralph: You didn’t?
Karl: This seems significantly more bad than usual.
Ralph: Honestly, I’m shocked it hasn’t gotten any worse. This is still relatively harmless.
Teri: Not to me! Everyone I know now knows that I’m some loser who got bent out of shape because no one sent her Christmas cards!
Karl: It’s not that bad.
Velma: It’s pretty bad.
Teri: I gotta talk to her.
Velma: Too bad you can’t un-send the letters.
Teri: Maybe I can stop her from sending even more. You never know with her.
Later that day, Teri gets a phone call from her friend Missy.
Missy: Teri! I’ve been on vacation, I just got home yesterday and checked my mail. I got a letter from your mom, it’s pretty funny.
Teri: No! Throw that out!
Missy: It’s a good gag, she had fun with it!
Teri: Missy, oh my god. This is so embarrassing. I didn’t know she was doing this.
Missy: I think it’s sweet. She’s doing a nice thing for you, trying to recapture holiday magic.
Teri: It’s nuts! She stole my address book and wrote to everyone in it asking them to send pity cards because I barely got any the year before. I sound like a loser!
Missy: She’s a mother who loves her daughter. And Christmas.
Teri: She’s insane.
Missy: Don’t say that about your mother, you love her and she loves you.
Teri: She doesn’t respect boundaries! It’s so upsetting!
Missy: Mothers rarely do. They try their best, though. Like I said, I thought it was a joke at first because it was so unusual. But even in thinking it was a joke, you can tell when you ready it that it was sent out of love. Just cut her some slack.
Teri: I know. I just wish she let me be an adult. I’m for - I’m not gonna say how old I am. I’m very much grown, though.
Missy: I know. Trust me, my graying roots tell me how grown we are every day.
Teri: Don’t put that evil on me!
Missy: I’m just suggesting, you know, maybe some hair dye for Christmas.
Teri: Point taken!
The next morning…
Betty: Teri, what are you doing?
Teri: Oh, I’m exhausted, mom. I got up early to respond to all these Christmas cards. In fact, I’m sending to everyone I usually do. You’re right, it’s part of the Christmas magic.
Betty: I knew you’d come around eventually!
Teri: Yeah, you sure did. You always know best.
Betty: Well, I have to run to the basement, I need to start the wash. I’ll leave you be so you can finish up. Then get some rest, you look drained.
Teri: Will do, mom.
Betty leaves.
Cindy: What is this? Why did you not unleash on her?
Teri: She cares, Cindy. This is just her twisted way of showing it.
Cindy: She’ll keep doing this if you don’t put your foot down!
Teri: Loving Christmas isn’t so bad. I want her to keep her love for it forever, and I want her to know I love it, too.
What did you think of the midseason finale of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the Frances in the Kitchen Christmas special next week! Our House will return in January
