Marietta walks into Kate’s Senate office.
Marietta: Been a long time since I’ve been in this building!
Kate: Oh my god, Marietta! Good to see ya. I’ll call Ellie.
Ellie: I’m here!
Marietta: How do you two always do that?
Ellie: We just have a connection. Its fate.
Kate: Also, we installed a secret passageway from her office to mine!
Marietta: There’s no one on earth I like that much.
Kate: So, how have you been?
Marietta: This has been the longest month of my life.
Kate: I figured! That’s why I’m so shocked to see you in DC!
Marietta: I did, uh… one of the CNN shows, I don’t know which one. It was tough though, certainly no softball.
Ellie: I hate CNN, they always edit me to make me look like an idiot.
Kate: Edit?
Ellie: You just love them because they always make you look like the mastermind of the entire operation!
Kate: Not to toot my own horn, and not to knock our dear friend Tammy, but I was handed a minority and I’ve worked it up to a supermajority. I won’t say I’m a “mastermind,” but that’s not easy work.
Ellie: I helped, too!
Kate: You certainly did.
Marietta: I’ve missed this banter.
Kate: Is that the sole reason you’ve come to visit the Senate? It’s three o’clock on a Friday in mid-December, this is the last place I’d be if I didn’t have to be.
Marietta: Well, I’m finally getting some much-needed rest and relaxation, and I wanted to see two of my best gal pals before the holidays. It’s been too long! Plus, my flight doesn’t leave for another four hours and I’ve got nothing else to do in the area.
Ellie: If this is an invite to the Landfield family Christmas party, I accept!
Kate: Me too! It’s always a blast!
Marietta: Well, it wasn’t, but it can be.
Kate: I don’t want to intrude if you weren’t planning on more guests.
Marietta: Are you kidding? My mother would love nothing more than having two more guests to entertain for the holidays.
Kate: Then we’ll be there!
Ellie: Just think, you. This time next year, you’ll be packing up and heading here full-time.
Marietta: Don’t jinx it!
Ellie: You’re a lock. No one’s going to beat you.
Marietta: My lead’s dipped a bit, I’ve still got to work for it. But not now, I need the rest, and Karen’s actually given it to me.
Kate: I’d hope. You can fire her at any time. You should, too.
Marietta: I forgot you hated her!
Kate: I don’t “hate” her. I’m just…
Ellie: You hate her.
Kate: I do.
Ellie: Always so diplomatic.
Kate: I usually am. That woman though, she just irks me.
Marietta: She’s done a good job. She’s pretty personable once you get to know her, too.
Ellie: Yes, but she once managed a senate campaign of a candidate Kate despised and helped them win the primary before blowing the general. She’s held a grudge ever since.
Kate: The stories I could tell about that campaign… they’re very lucky my time chairing the campaign committee put me on the track to be the party leader, because I earned it after that disaster. Still, petty hatred isn’t a good look at Christmas. Not very jolly. I’ll leave it at that.
Marietta: Well now I want to know more!
Kate: Ah, you have time. Pour a drink, let’s chat about it.
Ellie: Pour a big drink.
Marietta: I was always going to.
Three days later…
Patty Lynn: Can you believe it’s Christmas Eve already?
Maria: Yes. Thank god it’s over in two days.
Patty Lynn: Blasphemy!
Kathleen: Maria, dear. It’s been a lovely thing to get to know you over the last few years. Unfortunately, for expressing the desire to get Christmas over with, Patty Lynn is going to force Kyle to divorce you and never speak to you again.
Maria: I love Christmas, but between all the work that goes into it - buying the presents, wrapping the presents, baking cookies, decorating, writing out Christmas cards - and the kids forcing me to play The Polar Express on loop, I’m glad it’s just about over.
Kathleen: It could be worse. An eighty year-old woman could be forcing you to play The Polar Express on loop.
Patty Lynn: I do not play The Polar Express on loop! I watch many holiday movies.
Kathleen: You watch them as if they are your job.
Patty Lynn: For the month of December, they ARE my job!
Kathleen: That is an unhealthy way to look at watching Christmas movies. They’re for enjoyment.
Patty Lynn: They must all be watched and enjoyed for the sake of tradition. Even the bad ones, like that movie where Michael Keaton plays a dead guy whose soul inhabits a snowman.
Kathleen: I like that one!
Patty Lynn: You would.
Kathleen: You’re the one that watches it every year!
Patty Lynn: I have to respect Beetlejuice. Watching his crappy Christmas movie’s the least I could do. By the way, Maria, you could just call me to help out if you’re feeling overwhelmed. I love Christmas, I’d be happy to help!
Martin: I think a look around the house would be enough for anyone to tell that.
Patty Lynn: You think? I think we’re a bit light on decorations this year.
Martin: Light? I can’t walk anywhere without running into Christmas.
Patty Lynn: Yeah, but there are a few bare spots on the wall.
Maria: I would’ve called you any other time, but I know how busy you are at this time, and especially this year with Marietta’s campaign. Kyle’s been so busy with it, too.
Kyle: Speaking of, where Is my mother?
Milton: Last I spoke with her, she said she was packing her things to come over here for the night
Moira: She told me she had to stop to pick up a few presents, too.
Patty Lynn: She didn’t finish shopping before Christmas Eve? I taught her better than that!
Kathleen: I think she’s been a bit busy.
Patty Lynn: No one is ever too busy for Christmas!
Kathleen: A frontrunner for president probably is. Also, I had her pick up some of my presents, too.
Milton: Mine as well!
Martin: And mine! We all dropped ours off at the same gift-wrapping business.
Patty Lynn: I’ll never understand how anyone could be so lazy to hire someone to wrap their gifts. Gifts should be wrapped with love!
Maria: Wait, there are people who’ll wrap your presents for you? I thought they just had that at the mall! Why did no one tell me?
Kyle: You just look so cute wrapping.
Maria: You’re not getting any tonight, no matter how much sweet talking you do.
Kyle: Wonderful conversation to be having in the presence of my grandparents.
Kathleen: Don’t forget your auntie!
There is a knock at the door.
Sarah: I’ll get it!
Sarah opens the door.
Sarah: Ah, it’s just you.
Tammy: “Merry Christmas, Tammy! Good to see you, Tammy! You’re a valued member of this family, Tammy!”
Sarah: Merry Christmas, Tammy! Good to see you, Tammy! You’re a valued member of this family, Tammy!
Tammy: Thank you, Sarah. Merry Christmas.
Patty Lynn: Aww, man! I was hoping you were Marietta!
Mitch: You know, most are honored to have the former President and First Lady visit them for Christmas.
Patty Lynn: We’re very glad to have you both, but we were just hoping Marietta would’ve found her way here by now.
Tammy: It’s only four o’clock, I think we’ve got time.
Kathleen: Not a lot! You should see the Christmas Eve schedule she’s made up!
Henrietta: I forgot our holidays were so -
Elena: Insane?
Henrietta: I was going to say “planned.” But “insane” works.
Patty Lynn: Someone has to take Christmas seriously! Look how many of us there are, you need me to help keep this show on the tracks.
Martin: Darling, we all love what you to to make Christmas special for all of us.
Patty Lynn: Don’t even think of following that up with a “but.”
Martin: But, you do get a big over the top.
Patty Lynn: Christmas deserves it.
Martin: Just let people enjoy Christmas how they want to. It means different things to different people.
Patty Lynn: When you come to this house for Christmas, you expect an elaborate celebration. It’s what I intend to do until I no longer can. Then, once that time comes, someone else will take on the mantle. Maria?
Kyle: Grandma, I think we can all see that Maria can-
Maria: Absolutely take on the challenge.
Moira: Thank god she said that, I was terrified it was going to be me.
Patty Lynn: Oh, darling Moira. Never in a million years.
Moira: What exactly does that mean?
Patty Lynn: Think about it. You’ll figure it out.
Moira: Am I not good enough?
Milton: You’re good enough to do anything!
Moira: I need to hear it from her mouth, stay out of this one, Milton.
Patty Lynn: You are absolutely good and pure at heart and you have the character to deserve it. I’ve just… been to parties you’ve thrown.
Moira: Yeah, I’m not a party planner.
Sarah: You knew that, and yet you still panicked and thought she meant she hated you.
Moira: You never know with her.
Martin: I think the one thing anyone can say about Patty Lynn is that you always, undoubtedly, know where you stand with her.
Kathleen: To an often-painful degree.
The doorbell rings.
Martin: Surely that’s Marietta.
Patty Lynn: Just in time!
Kathleen: I agree it’s likely her. Unlike Tammy, she does know how to use a doorbell.
Eliza: I must say, the doorbell playing “Mistletoe & Holly” is a nice touch.
Maria: Is that what it was? I thought I was just going crazy from hearing it so many times in Target.
Martin opens the front door.
Martin: Ah, girls! I didn’t know you were coming.
Kate: Did Marietta not tell you?
Martin: She rarely tells us anything.
Ellie: She’s going to be a great president.
Patty Lynn: Darn right she will be!
Meanwhile…
Amy: Marietta, when you said you’d pick me up on the way to your parents, I did not agree to this.
Marietta: It’s not as if I kidnapped you.
Amy: I feel like I’ve been kidnapped and taken to hell!
Marietta: So we’re behind a parade. Big deal!
Amy: It’s Christmas Eve.
Marietta: Yeah, exactly! At least it’s a festive parade!
Amy: If I hear “Holly Jolly Christmas” one more time, I’m going to pour a scalding hot cup of cheer down these peoples’ throats!
Marietta: That’s not very jolly.
Amy: What is there to feel jolly about?
Marietta: We’re together.
Amy: You think that’s a positive?
Marietta: We’re about to have a beautiful Christmas celebration once we get out of this car.
Amy: In six or seven hours, at this rate.
Marietta: Life could be worse! Never forget that!
Amy: How inspiring.
Marietta: I’m just trying to keep up the mood.
Amy: Put in a different CD, that’ll get the mood up.
Marietta: How about the Cher Christmas CD?
Amy: Anything.
Marietta: All right, DJ! Play a Christmas song!
Amy: You know, you’re the mayor.
Marietta: Yes, I am aware.
Amy: Do you not know when parades are happening in this podunk town?
Marietta: I’ve been a bit busy.
Amy: Always with the excuses!
Marietta’s phone rings.
Marietta: I shouldn’t answer, I’m driving.
Amy: You’re parked, let’s be honest.
Marietta: So I should answer?
Amy: Your mother probably thinks you’re dead, so it’d be good to let her know you’re not.
Marietta: Fine, I’ll pick it up.
Amy: Don’t look so miserable, it’s Christmas.
Marietta: I don’t even want to hear it from you, Ebenezer.
Amy: Bah humbug
Marietta answers her phone.
Patty Lynn: Where are you? We’re worried sick!
Marietta: I don’t think you want to know.
Patty Lynn: I do want to know.
Martin: Tell her we miss her!
Marietta: Hi dad! I’ll be there soon!
Milton: Well, we’ve got proof of life and confirmation she’s coming to Christmas. Good enough for me, I’m off to get some nog.
Sarah: I hate eggnog!
Milton: Good, you can’t drink this kind anyway.
Patty Lynn: Why won’t you tell us where you are? We’re waiting! It’s messing with the schedule!
Marietta: Just go ahead without us, it’ll be fine.
Patty Lynn: Us?
Marietta: Me and Amy!
Patty Lynn: Oh, I forgot about her!
Amy: Merry Christmas to me!
Marietta: We’re stuck behind a Christmas parade. Don’t panic, it’ll all be okay.
Patty Lynn: This is why you just wrap your OWN presents! Don’t get anyone else to do it for you!
Marietta: Mom, I don’t need to hear this.
Amy: She’s a bit busy, as you may have heard.
Patty Lynn: That’s not an excuse to slack off for the holidays!
Amy: I agree!
Marietta: Don’t kiss her ass, she for to you even existed!
Amy: I know, I clearly need to get into her good graces.
Marietta: Mom, we’ll get there as soon as possible.
Patty Lynn: You’re the mayor, can’t you just cancel the parade?
Marietta: I think that may hurt the campaign.
Patty Lynn: I think compassionate people would understand.
Marietta: We’ll be there as soon as we can.
Patty Lynn: But how long is that?
Marietta: Mom, just go caroling without us.
Patty Lynn: It’s not the same!
One hour later…
Milton: This is an unusually subdued Landfield Christmas.
Kyle: Yeah, Maria’s fallen asleep.
Maria: I’m not asleep, I’m just resting my eyes.
Tammy: Surely the Good King Wenceslas isn’t helping keep her conscious.
Patty Lynn: Where could Marietta be? It’s not Christmas without her!
Kathleen: I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but I think her becoming president might change Christmas a bit.
Patty Lynn: No! She’ll still come home! She always did as a senator!
Kathleen: President’s a bit different, though.
Martin: Don’t listen to her, she’ll be home. And even if, for some reason, she isn’t, you’ve got us.
Kathleen: Don’t make her cry even more.
The door swings open.
Amy: Amy Claus has come to town!
Marietta: Stop being a ham, help me with the gifts.
Patty Lynn: Marietta!
Sarah: Christmas is saved!
Milton: There goes the relaxed Christmas.
Kyle: babe, wake up. Mom’s here!
Maria: Yes, Timothee Chalamet.
Kyle: Timothee Chalamet?
Maria: That’s, uh… I didn’t mean to say that.
Kathleen: Really? Willy Wonka? Girl…
Marietta: Oh, it’s so good to finally see you all and not the back of a Frosty the Snowman float.
Patty Lynn: Let Christmas begin!
What did you think of the midseason finale episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the Raymond Island holiday special next week! Marietta will return in January!
