Frances pulls into the parking lot and get out of her car.
DeAnna: Hey, Frances! Look at you!
Frances: What, DeAnna? For what reason are you bothering me? Just because you can?
DeAnna: Jeez, can’t even make small talk! I was just trying to ask you what you thought of the beautiful Christmas display they put up over the weekend?
Frances: I hate it. I hate Christmas. I’m already over it.
DeAnna: Wow, someone’s in a cranky mood on this gorgeous December day.
Frances: What reason do I have not to be in a cranky mood? My life’s a disaster, it’s a month-long reminder that I’m all alone on Christmas like that Darlene Love song that keeps taunting me.
DeAnna: I try to be nice to you once and you turn into Sylvia Plath.
Frances: You’re just showing me pity because my life has fallen apart. It’s not from a genuine place.
DeAnna: For your information, I was nice to you because I’m trying to get on the nice list, not because I pity you.
Frances: Ah, so you were being selfish. That does make more sense.
DeAnna: Doesn’t it?
Frances: You know what, DeAnna? I’m sorry for going off on you. Regardless of the reason, you were just being nice, and I was rude for no reason. I hope you’re having a better tart to your holiday season than I am.
DeAnna: Oh, I am. It’s been a ball! I just love Christmas!
Frances: I’m gonna go before, uh… you know.
DeAnna: You start to cry?
Frances: I was going to say “before I say something mean,” but that works too, I guess.
Frances walks onto the set.
Beverly: Ah, finally you’re here. Marcia’s driving me nuts.
Marcia: I’ve done nothing wrong.
Beverly: She keeps pestering me about sending her some cookie recipe.
Marcia: You made it at the holiday mixer last year, I want to make it this year.
Beverly: I make so many damn cookies, I don’t know which one I made last week, let alone last December.
Frances: You know what? I’d love to help you with your troubles, but I’ve got to get a few things in order in my office before we film, so you two will just have to figure it all out. I believe in you, I know you can do it.
Marcia: She might kill me before you get back. You may never see me again!
Frances: You’re so dramatic.
Frances walks to her office.
Marcia: Good thinking faking a fight. I was afraid she heard us in here plotting!
Beverly: Had to think fast!
Marcia: You’re pretty good at improv. I never would’ve thought of a story so fast!
Beverly: You weren’t too bad yourself! I mean, I’m trained in improv, I took a few classes at the senior center, but you kept up with me. She didn’t know a thing about our Christmas surprise party!
Marcia: Senior center?
Beverly: It’s not just for the very old, they actually have a lot of fun activities for the middle-aged.
Marcia: Ah, Beverly. Just because you’re an AARP member now doesn’t mean you have to act like an old person!
Beverly: I act my age!
Marcia: You’re ninety?
Jane: Hey, ladies! You tell Frances about the Christmas pa-
Marcia: Shh!
Beverly: I told you we shouldn’t tell her until the last minute!
Marcia: We wanted to make sure she was available to be there!
Beverly: When is Jane ever busy?
Jane: Well, Jaime and I do go ou-
Beverly: I’m sure you do.
Jane: So, did you tell her?
Beverly: What is it about “surprise party” that you don’t understand? It’s a surprise.
Jane: Why are we doing a surprise party again?
Beverly: Have you seen her lately? She’s been in a state of utter depression since September.
Jane: Why?
Marcia: My brother.
Jane: What did he do?
Beverly: Oh my god.
Marcia: Don’t yell at her, it’s not worth it. It’ll make her cry. We don’t need Frances questioning that.
Jane: Is that the only reason you don’t want to make me cry?
Marcia: Not the only reason, but it’s a biggie.
Beverly: We can talk about this party later, we have a show to get to today. Not to mention, we have to plan out the Christmas special. Dana’s been absolutely hounding me to make sure we get some plans in place for it. It’s the top-rated episode of the year!
Marcia: For good reason, we always put ten times the work into it that we put into any other episode.
Beverly: I saw these beautiful wreath cakes on Pinterest, I think that Frances could put a great spin on those.
Marcia: Okay, we might night slightly more than just that.
Beverly: You’re kidding! You think? It’s clearly just one idea of many to fill an hour-long Christmas special.
Marcia: Oh, are we getting a full hour slot again this year?
Beverly: We sure are.
Marcia: How lucky. Twice the work for the same pay.
Beverly: It’s not about the pay, it’s about the magic of the holiday!
Marcia: Maybe to you. I’m here because they pay me to be here.
Frances emerges from her office.
Beverly: Ah, Frances! Glad you’re ready, we have work to be done!
Frances: That’s why we’re here, no?
Beverly: Sure is. Before we film, though, we need to hammer out our plans for our Christmas special.
Frances: Oh, no need to. We’re not doing one.
Beverly: Excuse me?
Frances: Why would I do one? Christmas is a time for celebration, what have I got to celebrate?
Marcia: A TV show of your own, a mansion, millions of dollars…
Frances: Besides that!
Marcia: That’s generally enough for most people.
Frances: My life’s been ruined!
Marcia: Friends, a brother and niece that love you, a sister-in-law you can make fun of and she doesn’t take it that personal….
Frances: I get it, my life’s wonderful! I need to don a wreath around my neck and maybe use some garland as a feather boa and do a little dance while wearing candy cane socks and an elf hat, because my life’s so perfect and so is my Christmas special!
Beverly: Well, it’d be nice…
Marcia: The Donna Wreath Show, I loved watching that growing up.
Beverly: That was The Donna Reed Show.
Marcia: Close enough.
Frances: Were you mocking my word choice?
Marcia: Just doing a fun little turn of phrase, nothing more.
Beverly: Do you really not want to do a Christmas special?
Frances: How can I want to when I find nothing special about Christmas anymore.
Beverly: Frances, you know I never, ever push you into doing anything for this show that you don’t want to do.
Frances: Is this your way of guilting me into -
Beverly: I don’t think I can just let you skip doing a Christmas special this year. It’s in the contract, which you signed.
Frances: I’ll talk to my lawyer.
Beverly: I don’t think that’s necessary. We can do a more subdued special this year. We just have to do one at all. Dana’s counting on us, you don’t want to let her down.
Frances: I’m not sure I really care all that much about letting Dana down.
Beverly: She runs the network, I don’t want to get on her bad side.
Frances: What’s she going to do, cancel the show? Let her!
Marcia: Let’s not let her do that.
Beverly: Frances, just… we’ll figure something out. Now, we need to get to work on today’s episode in the meantime.
Frances: Ah, yes, bacon recipes. Riveting content. The people need this!
Beverly: Frances, you chose this subject.
Frances: Doesn’t mean I have to be excited about work. Few people ever are.
Beverly: Today’s gonna be a struggle, isn’t it?
Marcia: Is it ever not?
Six hours later…
Beverly: Well, that was a day.
Marcia: She’s unpleasant sometimes.
Beverly: Especially lately. We need to turn this around, I can’t take much more of this.
Marcia: Are we still doing the surprise party?
Beverly: Of course we are! The only way to really cheer her up is to show her the magic that still exists in the world!
Jane: Are you sure that’s a good idea?
Beverly: Of course it’s a good idea! Do you like dealing with the Grinch?
Jane: I love the Grinch, I think he’s a wonderful guy. And he’s green, that’s fun!
Beverly: Where did we get her?
Marcia: That’s a Frances hire, don’t put that on us.
Jane: What I’m trying to say is that Frances is not very happy about Christmas, or life in general, and I worry that a big Christmas party is going to make her, well, angry.
Beverly: We have to prove to her that there’s still a joy in Christmas. The only way to accomplish that is to throw a big party to show her!
Jane: All I’ll say is that when this goes bad, it wasn’t my fault.
Beverly: No one would ever accuse you of that.
Marcia: Mostly because no one would ever expect her to have the mental capacity to formulate a plan.
Jane: Thank you!
Marcia: Ah, Jane. You make me feel better about myself.
Dana: Beverly, glad I caught you before you headed out!
Beverly: Dana, great to see you.
Dana: Don’t lie.
Beverly: It’s no lie! Compared to Frances, you’re a delight.
Dana: I’m here to talk about Frances, actually.
Beverly: What did she do now? Did she bite someone?
Dana: Bite someone? What? What is going on on this set?
Beverly: She’s been in an all-time bad mood.
Dana: She’s going through some stuff, I get it.l
Beverly: You wouldn’t if you had to be around her. I’ve never seen anyone with less holiday spirit. Dana, she says she wants to skip Christmas this year!
Dana: Look, I try to be a friend to all of my employees and be very open and respectful of their wishes… I can’t be this respectful.
Beverly: I know, I’m working on it.
Dana: This is the biggest show of the year, millions of people tune in just to see it.
Beverly: I know, it’s also my favorite show of the year. It’s always such fun. Don’t worry, she’ll get on board.
Dana: I hope so.
Beverly: We’re throwing a holiday mixer for Frances this weekend if you want to stop in. We’d love to have you!
Dana: Oh… we’ll see!
Marcia: That’s a no.
Dana: No, it’s not a no!
Marcia: So we’ll see you on Saturday?
Dana: I didn’t say that.
Marcia: It’s a no.
Jane: I believe in you, we’ll see you Saturday!
Marcia: Yeah, definitely a no.
Four days later…
Jimmy: Is it just me, or has Frances seemed more pleasant lately? I think Christmas is cheering her up a bit!
Louise: Frances who? Our Frances?
Jimmy: Who else but our Frances?
Louise: Frances McDormand. Frances Fisher. Francis Ford Coppola.
Jimmy: Francis Ford Coppola is a man?
Louise: Well he’s happier than our Frances regardless!
Jimmy: Come on, she’s not so bad.
Louise: Are you joking? She literally pulled down our string of Christmas lights yesterday when she visited. I’m pretty sure she kicked a child while we were out shopping and literally said “humbug.”
Jimmy: That’s better than she’s been!
Louise: I know Beverly’s got this plan for a party to help show her how nice Christmas can still be, but I doubt that’ll work.
Jimmy: Don’t be so sure. Christmas has a way of making people happier.
Louise: It seems to be having the reverse impact on her, miraculously enough.
Jimmy: It is a reminder of what we don’t have that we once did. But I think this party will remind her of what she still has, if she’s willing to open up her heart and her mind.
Louise: Again, I’m not sure we’re talking about the same Frances. When has she ever been open-minded? She thinks she knows everything about everything.
Jimmy gets a phone call.
Jimmy: We’ll finish this conversation later.
Louise: We don’t have to.
Jimmy answers the call.
Jimmy: Hey, Greg! Haven’t heard from you in a while.
Greg: I know, I’m sorry for not staying in touch. It’s just been awkward, it’s hard to know if it’s appropriate to reach out.
Jimmy: I get that, Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Frances exactly, but I am still your friend, and you can reach out if you need to talk.
Greg: I appreciate that.
Jimmy: So what have you been up to? You excited for Christmas?
Greg: Can’t say I am. I’ve watched Christmas Vacation, Elf, 34th Street you know, all the classics, but I’m still not in a very jolly mood. I do have a little tree here. In fact, that’s what I’m calling about. I was wondering if you had a string of lights I could borrow. I can pick it up tomorrow.
Jimmy: We have lights, but we won’t be here tomorrow. Beverly’s throwing a surprise Christmas party at her place for Frances to bring up her mood, we’re all going.
Greg: Oh, really? I’d love to come!
Jimmy: Uh…
Greg: Bring the lights tomorrow, I’ll see you then!
Jimmy: Okay!
Jimmy hangs up.
Louise: Nice going.
Jimmy: You heard that?
Louise: Yeah, I was listening on the other line.
Jimmy: That’s an invasion of privacy.
Louise: Yeah, so is every single detail of this party. This is going to be a disaster.
Jimmy: We can always fake a food poisoning so we can leave early if need be!
Louise: And miss the disaster? No thanks.
The next day…
Frances: Jane, where are we going?
Jane: Nowhere!
Frances: Well, instead of going nowhere, can we instead go to the winery like we were planning? Marcia’s probably there by now.
Jane: Look, I don’t know why you’re on my case so much, I’m not doing anything wrong!
Frances: I didn’t say you’re doing anything wrong, don’t get so upset.
Jane: Okay, fine, you got it out of me! We’re going to a Christmas party! It was Beverly’s idea!
Frances: A Christmas party? At Beverly’s?
Jane: She wants to bring up your Christmas cheer so you’ll do the Christmas special that Dana wants you to do! And just because you’ve really been mean and a downer in general and it’s very upsetting and I don’t like it. I told them not to do the party because it’d make you cry but now I’m crying.
Frances: Oh, kiddo… oh my god. Stop crying, it’s okay. Pull over, let Jaime drive, we don’t want to all die today.
Jaime: Eh, it’d be less uncomfortable than this car ride.
Jane: I’m fine, I really am.
Frances: Just dry those tears. I’m not mad, not at all. This is really a sweet idea. I have been acting mean, and I’ve let my personal drama ruin Christmas for everyone. In fact, I was going to tell everyone at the winery - and, side note, there better still be wine at this party - that I had some ideas for the Christmas special and that I was starting to feel the Christmas spirit more and more.
Jane: Oh, Beverly will be so excited!
Jaime: Honey, watch the road.
Jane: Oh, right!
Frances: We almost just became the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.
Jane: The what?
Frances: We need to get you out more.
Thirty minutes later…
Beverly: Look who’s here, everyone!
Frances: Oh my goodness, what a magical holiday surprise!
Beverly: You knew.
Marcia: I told you I should’ve picked her up!
Frances: It’s fine, this is still lovely. In fact, I meant to tell you that my Christmas spirit’s been naturally rising, and I thought of some ideas for the Christmas show.
Dana: Thank the lord above!
Greg: I’m so happy I didn’t ruin Christmas for you.
Frances: What is he doing here?
Earl: I’m just gonna… go get the cheese.
DeAnna: Look, I know I’m not welcome, but you don’t have to call me a man.
Frances: Oh my god, she’s here too? This is a holiday nightmare! I hate this day, I hate the jingle bells and the ho-ho-ho and the candy canes!
Lauren: I may have let it slip at work.
Jimmy: And I, sort of, accidentally told Greg and it was entirely my fault and not Beverly’s and she insisted I told you that because she doesn’t want her hard work ruined.
Frances: Bev, why did you not kick him out?
Greg: I’m right here!
Beverly: I tried, he wouldn’t go. Besides, he brought alcohol.
Frances: I’m gonna need some!
Lauren: It’s Christmas, can we all not get along?
Dana: This better not impact your plans for the Christmas special!
Frances: You know what? It won’t. I can’t let them win.
Greg: Frances, please. I came all this way to just tell you I hope you have a good holiday, and I hope you’ve been doing well, and if you ever want to talk, I’d like that a lot. I don’t mean to ruin your party.
DeAnna: I, however, did mean to ruin your party.
Frances: Greg, I don’t know what to say. I’m still not sure what to feel about how everything went down with the whole, you know, and my heart still hurts. I am touched, though, that you drove over an hour just to stop by and wish me a merry Christmas.
Greg: I’ll get going, though. It was nice to see you, but you guys should get to enjoy your party without any distractions.
Frances: I’ll probably regret saying this, but stay. You deserve to enjoy a nice Christmas celebration, too. It’s the most wonderful time of year.
Greg: You sure?
Frances: I’m sure. That’s my Christmas gift to you.
Beverly: Aww, a Christmas reunion. How sweet.
Frances: Don’t get ahead of yourself.
Earl: Is it safe to come out of the kitchen yet?
Beverly: No, stay in there another hour.
Earl: All right, whatever you say dear.
What did you think of the Frances in the Kitchen Christmas special? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas special on Thursday! Frances in the Kitchen will return for season 6 in mid-2025!
