The family is at their dining room table eating dinner.
Cindy: Let me tell you, the kids in this school district…
Teri: I know we all complain about our co-workers, but complaining about how children act is a bit odd, Cindy.
Cindy: You’d complain too if you had to deal with them!
Frank: She’s right, they’re monsters.
Danielle: How much harm could a few rascals do?
Frank: You’d be shocked.
Cindy: One of them brought a slingshot to school today. I got hit in the eye with some slime-filled ball. It might have just been rubber and goo, but that hurt.
Ralph: I was just thinking Jerry hit you.
Betty: Not funny!
Ralph: I wasn’t trying to be funny! I was concerned!
Jerry: I would never hit her. Frank, maybe, but never my Cindy.
Teri: Aww, that’s real love.
Frank: How did I get dragged into this?
Teri: By being Frank.
Tammi: She has a fair point.
Frank: Does she?
Velma: She really does.
Karl: Can’t you tell the kids to just knock it off?
Cindy: That makes it worse!
Steven: It does. Speaking as a student, we see it as a challenge.
Tammi: Excuse me?
Steven: I’d never do it to grandma! To others… if I think they can take the joke.
Tammi: Do not!
Teri: He gets a girlfriend, now he’s a rebel. This is concerning. He’s gonna be smoking and joking a bike gang by the end of the year!
Steven: You’re embarrassing me!
Teri: You’re my nephew, I’m supposed to embarrass you!
Tammi: It’s true, she embarrassed me, too.
Teri: I was a cool aunt to you! Your friends loved me!
Ralph: That was because you were about five years older than her. All her friends either wanted to be you or date you.
Tammi: Seven years!
Teri: So, Ralph, you actually left the house. Where were you?
Ralph: I got a job!
Teri: Oh my god, it’s a miracle!
Betty: Another catering job? Very exciting!
Ralph: Not quite catering, actually./
Betty: What is it, then?
Cindy: Don’t tell me you got an office job! You’re not built for that kind of life.
Ralph: Never! No, I’m working at Barney Park! I went in to discuss a job catering an event there, they politely rejected me due to having a contract with another caterer, but offered me an even more lucrative position!
Tammi: What’s more lucrative than catering for you?
Ralph: I’m going to work as an actor in their annual Haunted Halloween event!
Steven: Jealous!
Teri: This is new, no one’s ever been jealous of Ralph before.
Ralph: I think that was uncalled for.
Teri: It wasn’t.
Cindy: Since when are you an actor?
Ralph: I’m not, but all I have to do is chase some people around in a mask. I’m not doing Shakespeare.
Teri: Good, I hate Shakespeare!
Steven: Me too!
Tammi: You only say that because you got a pad grade on your Romeo & Juliet report.
Steven: It was so hard to follow! Who uses all those nonsense awards anymore? Wherefore art thou Romeo? What the heck does that mean?
Cindy: It’s important curriculum.
Steven: It teaches us nothing.
Ralph: Regardless, I don’t have to do it. I just get to have a bit of fun in a costume for Halloween. It’s a good seasonal job.
Betty: Haunted Halloween always scared me. Those people chasing us, grabbing us, getting in your face.
Danielle: I always hated it too! The last time I went, I had nightmares.
Tammi: Nightmares? It’s not that scary.
Danielle: It’s horrifying!
Teri: They don’t let them touch the guests anymore ever since #MeToo. Lawsuits and all.
Betty: Good! It freaked the hell out of me! I’m not in a horror movie, leave me alone!
Karl: Well, by being there, you do consent to having all those monsters swarming you to scare you. It’s sort of a living horror movie.
Betty: Are you taking their side?
Karl: I don’t think there’s a “side” to take here. It’s their job to try to scare people at something called “Haunted Halloween,” it’s your right to dislike the event. Simple as that.
Ralph: So I take it mom doesn’t approve of my new job.
Teri: You’re lucky! It means she won’t visit you at your new job!
Betty: Are you kidding? I’ll be there!
Ralph: You just said it scared you.
Betty: It does, but I’m nothing if not a supportive mother.
Cindy: That is true. You are supportive to a truly annoying degree.
Betty: I choose to only hear the nice parts of that.
Cindy: I appreciate that.
Teri: So, how’s this new job going to impact your catering?
Ralph: I’ll make more doing this consistently for the next month than I would catering a small party on one or two weekends in the same time. I could still do some smaller gigs during the daytime if I wanted.
Karl: I think it’s a great idea! Seems pretty fun, too!
Betty: We should get actors to walk around in costume at the store.
Karl: We’d go broke.
Teri: And didn’t you just say it scared you?
Betty: Yeah, but I think it could be fun in the store.
Teri: Uh… sure.
Velma: I’ll be honest, I never took Ralph as the type to get a job like this. You’re not much of a horror guy, really.
Ralph: Hey, they needed the help, and that meant the money’s pretty good. Pretty good perks, too. Employees get fifty percent off all ticket purchases. That includes purchases I make for tickets for others.
Teri: You should’ve led with that! This is the best job ever!
Ralph: I figured you’d be happy.
Teri: I love a bargain! I’d rather if it were Busch Gardens, but this is fine.
Tammi: I love Barnet Park!
Velma: I’ll be honest… I don’t.
Mitchell: You’re still annoyed about the ferris wheel?
Velma: That was bad, getting stuck up there was my worst nightmare. Being shamed for not wanting to go on a roller coaster, that was also bad. Only bad experiences in that park.
Teri: That’s a lie, you got to nag Mitchell when he did something annoying, that had to warm up your cold, dead heart.
Velma: You’re not wrong there.
Frank: When do you start your new gig, Ralph?
Betty: Don’t talk to him!
Frank: I asked a question. Politely!
Betty: Leave him alone!
Frank: I can’t win.
Teri: You’re just now learning this? You’re like the Fleetwood Mac song Rhiannon… "will you ever win?" The answer… no, because you’re Frank!
Frank: You didn’t have to say it so gleefully.
Teri: You’re fun to mock.
Ralph: To answer the polite question that mom almost threw a fit about, I have a training session on Thursday where they’ll teach me about how to do the job, and then I start Saturday.
Teri: They gotta train you for that? Watching Night of the Living Dead wasn’t enough to tell you how to walk like a zombie?
Ralph: It’s just part of the job.
Karl: I can’t even believe it’s time for Haunted Halloween already. Where does the time go?
Cindy: And here I was thinking it was starting late this year. Is that just me?
Teri: Just you.
One week later…
Ralph: God, I am tired.
Teri: Have you tried sleeping?
Ralph: Wow, bold idea!
Teri: You get home from the park at ten, and then you watch TV for hours, way later than you usually would. Then you get up the same time as everyone else. It’s not a mystery as to why you’re tired.
Ralph: I have so many shows I want to see, though. What would I do without getting to see Kathy Bates as Matlock on the night it airs?
Teri: Kathy Bates as what? Is that a 30 Rock joke?
Ralph: No, it’s a real show, and it’s great.
Danielle: It really is! Funny, entertaining, smart…to me, it’s peak TV.
Teri: Okay.
Ralph: You do have a point about getting to bed earlier, though. I didn’t think this job would be as tiring as it is.
Teri: You’re not used to walking around so much. You kinda just stand in place when you’re cooking
Ralph: Yeah, it’s been a bit jarring. I’m out of shape!
Teri: We saw that in the Fall Olympics.
Ralph: I wasn’t that bad!
Teri: You were no Tom Brady.
Ralph: Good, he’s a cheater!
Teri: Hot take!
Jerry: So, Ralph, how’s the new job going?
Teri: He’s tired.
Jerry: Aren’t we all?
Teri: He’s extra tired.
Jerry: So the job’s not fun?
Ralph: It’s not that, it’s just more physical than I’m used to. Not to mention, I’m still a little self-conscious about it. I’m working with a bunch of experienced people, I’m a rookie!
Jerry: How hard is it to put on a mask and walk around?
Ralph: It can be very hard. You wouldn’t know.
Jerry: I’ll agree with you to avoid arguing.
Ralph: I appreciate that, it’s been a long week.
They hear a loud crashing outside.
Cindy: Oh, god… mom.
Cindy opens the front door.
Teri: What did she do now?
Cindy: Mom, what were you doing on that ladder?
Betty: Putting up my decorations! And nice to see the care you have for your fallen mother!
Cindy: You’re clearly fine.
Betty: You’re right, the ladder only hit me in the shoulder after I already came down from it. You didn’t know that, though!
Karl: Why didn’t you ask me for help?
Betty: You all said we have enough Halloween decorations out.
Karl: We do. The HOA might start complaining if we put more out.
Betty: But I just found the nicest decorations on Amazon! I bought them, obviously, and I had to put them out. That’s not a crime!
Karl: The HOA won’t like it.
Betty: And I’ll beat them again!
Karl: I’d just rather we not have to fight over Halloween decorations every year.
Betty: They’re cute kitties, their complaint last year was that everything was too scary. This is not scary!
Velma: The electric bill will be!
Teri: Where’s your Halloween spirit?
Velma: I like Halloween, I like Michael Myers, Freddy, Jason… the lights, I’d prefer those to be at someone else’s home.
Teri: Put the lights up, mom. We need to defend Halloween.
Betty: I’m glad you feel that way!
Mitchell: Speaking of defending Halloween, Ralph!
Ralph: I miss not being the center of attention.
Mitchell: When are we going to get to see you at work at the Haunted Halloween thing?
Ralph: You guys can come any time!
Betty: How about Friday? Work for all of you?
Danielle: No!
Betty: Why not?
Danielle: I’m scared!
Betty: So am I, but we have to do it for Ralph.
Danielle: I think I can support him in ways besides getting the bejeezus scared out of me.
Betty: It’s two hours of frightening fun! You can even go on rides to escape the scary figures.
Danielle: All right, fine.
Betty: Yay!
Jerry: Man, we’re just letting her get whatever she wants today.
Teri: That’s the only way we ever know peace.
Five days later…
Danielle: I don’t like this.
Teri: It hasn’t started yet.
Danielle: The decorations are out!
Velma: They’re no scarier than Betty’s.
Danielle: But I’m not used to these. It’s new, and it frightens me.
Teri: Children walk through this park.
Danielle :Good for them!
Frank: I never knew you were so scared of this sorta thing.
Betty: You don’t know anything!
Tammi: You need to let him talk without attacking sometimes.
Betty: Nope!
Danielle: Have any of you ever seen me watch a horror movie with you?
Steven: No, you kinda run off to your room right away when we put them on.
Danielle: Exactly! Not a fan!
Teri: You weren’t always like this. You became a scaredy cat in your old age.
Danielle: Ah! Fog!
Steven: It’s starting!
Danielle: We need to find a ride, right now!
Betty: I wonder where Ralph is!
Ralph: Brains! Want to eat brains!
Teri: I think we found him.
Danielle: Oh my god!
Danielle punches Ralph.
Ralph: What the hell?
Danielle: Oh, Ralph! I didn’t mean it! You’re just so scary!
Teri: Many women have said the same!
Karl: Teri, inappropriate!
Teri: I disagree.
Thirty minutes later…
Teri: Danielle, we have to leave.
Danielle: You can’t make me go out there!
Teri: The ride operators can’t operate the ride while you’re in the gated area.
Danielle: Well, that’s their problem!
Teri: No, it’s yours. We’re going to get kicked out.
Danielle: Good! I wanna go home!
Teri: We still have to walk through the fog with all the monsters if we’re kicked out.
Danielle: They can’t legally force me out!
Teri: They can. Now, let these patient people ride their ride and we can make a beeline for the shop over there.
Danielle: There’s a killer clown over there.
Velma: Oh my god, where?
Teri: Great, now I have two children.
Velma: I don’t like clowns. Anything else, I’m good. Not clowns!
Teri: I hate Ralph. I hate Ralph, and I hate Halloween.
Steven: Don’t ever say that!
Teri: I didn’t know you and Ralph were so close.
Steven: Not him, Halloween! Don’t bully Halloween!
Teri: Noted.
Karl: Come on, clown’s gone, we need to go before we make a scene.
Teri: That’s happened already.
One hour later…
Betty: I think I lost my glasses.
Teri: Ah, because tonight just couldn’t get any better!
Velma: It’s been okay since we dropped Danielle off at the gift shop.
Danielle: Oh my god! I’m so glad I found you!
Betty: Was that sound…?
Tammi: Your glasses? Undoubtedly.
Betty: Karl, can I h-
Karl: here you go.
Betty: You mean everything to me!
Karl: I know.
Teri: What’s wrong, Danielle?
Danielle: I realized the shop was so close to my favorite roller coaster and I ran for it. In that time, one of the creatures started chasing me and I turned to him and said “No, sir! Not on my watch! You will back away!” And he did! I faced my fears!
Teri: It’s a Halloween miracle.
Danielle: I still hate this, for the record.
Teri: Yeah, I can tell.
Velma: Ralph’s getting a piece of our minds when we get home.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!