Teri and Danielle are at Mandello’s for lunch.
Danielle: It’s so nice to just get out of the house every now and then.
Teri: And away from those people.
Danielle: You mean your family?
Teri: Yeah, them. God, are they nuts or what?
Danielle: Look, compared to my family, they’re practically sane.
Teri: You getting an appetizer?
Danielle: Am I supposed to?
Teri: I just need to know if it’s considered appropriate to order them at lunch.
Danielle: It’s not illegal, if that’s what you’re wondering.
Teri: I haven’t seen anyone else with appetizers.
Danielle: Don’t focus on anyone else. It’s your life!
Teri: Would you share some mozzarella sticks with me if I ordered them?
Danielle: Eh… not sure my stomach could fit a mini stromboli and mozzarella sticks at this time of day.
Teri: So you’re calling me a pig.
Danielle: You can order the mozzarella sticks if you want.
Teri: You’re just like my mother!
Danielle: Oh! Low blow!
Teri: How so?
Danielle: You’re calling me old! Just because I’m ten years o-
Teri: You’re putting words in my mouth!
Danielle: So you think I’m young?
Teri: I wasn’t commenting on your age at all. I was commenting on your behavior, which is mirroring my mother. That is all. Calm down.
Danielle: I will eat some mozzarella sticks.
Teri: Thank you!
Danielle: Good lord.
Teri: So, I have news.
Danielle: Finally, we get to the point of this suddenly-planned lunch.
Teri: Can’t I have asked you out to lunch just because I enjoy spending time with you?
Danielle: You don’t do it any other time.
Teri: I have to tell you something I can’t discuss at home.
Danielle: Oh no. That could be so many things, good or bad. Are you sick?
Teri: No! I’m in fine health, really.
Danielle: Good to know. So what’s actually up, then?
Teri: You know how Valentine’s Day is coming up?
Danielle: God, don’t remind me. By far the worst “holiday.” It’s just created by Hallmark and the candy companies to make money.
Teri: I’m well aware of your feelings on it.
Waitress: Ladies, here are your drinks. Are you ready to order?
Teri: Yes! I’ll have the mozzarella sticks and the, uh… lemon pesto pasta.
Waitress: Wonderful choice! And you, ma’am?
Danielle: I’ll just have the personal size Italian meats stromboli with a side of marinara sauce.
Waitress: All right, I’ll put that in for you!
Teri: Oh, also, a tiramisu to go for dessert.
Waitress: Sounds good!
Danielle: Tiramisu, huh?
Teri: It’s for my mother. If she finds out I went out to eat and didn’t get her anything…
Danielle: I don’t know why you’re so scared of an elderly woman.
Teri: I’m scared of you! Ha, see, THAT was commenting on your age!
Danielle: And it wasn’t funny.
Teri: I found it very funny.
Danielle: So why were you asking about Valentine’s Day?
Teri: Well, it got me feeling desperate. I haven’t gone out on any dates in a few years -
Danielle: Yikes, even I -
Teri: and I can just hear my mother’s voice in my head saying “You’re not getting any younger.”
Danielle: You don’t have to hear it in your head, she openly says it.
Teri: I felt I had to do something about it.
Danielle: Oh my god, do you have a secret boyfriend? This is amazing! So scandalous, so titillating.
Teri: Don’t ever say that word again.
Danielle: It felt wrong the second it came out of my mouth.
Teri: As it should have. Anyway, no, I don’t have a boyfriend.
Danielle: Interesting… where is this heading, then?
Teri: I’ve joined a dating app.
Danielle: Oh no! Teri! It’s Valentine’s Day, this is when the vultures are circling! Those apps are loaded with freaks!
Teri: You sound like you speak from experience.
Danielle: I do!
Teri: Well, I think it’s still worth a try. I don’t want to die alone.
Danielle: I think it’s a bit early to be thinking that way.
Teri: I’m forty-four!
Danielle: Are you planning to be in your grave by fifty?
Teri: No, I just… I do want kids. The clock’s ticking.
Danielle: You can freeze your eggs.
Teri: If I had money to freeze my eggs, I wouldn’t have needed my entire family to move into my dream house with me.
Danielle: That is a good point.
Three days later…
Teri: All right, I’m running late, I need to get out of here.
Betty: It’s quarter of seven, where are you going off to now?
Teri: Work called me in.
Betty: At quarter of seven?
Jerry: I detect bulls-
Teri: Don’t you have a gunshot wound to be recovering from?
Jerry: You didn’t need to bring that into it.
Karl: When will you be home? I don’t need your mother worrying about you still being out there when we’re trying to go to bed.
Teri: By nine-ish. It’s just a meeting.
Betty: A meeting at quarter of seven?
Teri: You don’t have to keep being so suspicious. Sometimes, people have to have meetings. At my work, we do them at night, so it doesn’t run over into business hours. I wasn’t on shift today, so I’m having to go in on what was supposed to be a day off. Clear things up?
Betty: I guess, yeah. Just don’t be too late!
Teri: Like I said, nine o’clock.
Betty: I’m holding you to it!
Teri: I believe you. Trust me.
Tammi: You better get going. She’d keep you here all night yapping if she could.
Betty: I don’t “yap.” I connect. I converse.
Teri: I’m going. I’ll see you all later.
Teri leaves.
Cindy: So what do we think she’s really up to?
Ralph: Uh… going to a meeting?
Cindy: You believe that?
Ralph: Why would I not?
Cindy: She was clearly hiding something. I know my sister.
Ralph: Now you’re gonna get mom -
Betty: What do you mean “hiding something?” Do you think she’s doing drugs?
Jerry: Drugs are rampant in Spanheim’s Virginia!
Karl: She’s not doing drugs.
Betty: How could you know? You don’t see her any more than I do!
Karl: I was once woken in the middle of the night by a teenage Teri asking me to drive her to the hospital because she thought she was dying. Turns out, Ralph let her take a hint from a joint and it made her feel like her lungs were on fire. Teri and drugs don’t mix.
Ralph: She begged me. You know how persistent she can be!
Karl: I do, she takes after your mother in that way.
Betty: Excuse me?
Jeanette: Are we going to pretend you don’t beg to get what you want?
Betty: I don’t.
Jeanette: I grew up with you, you know. We were poor and you’d still pout to get your way. Mom and dad spent all their money on you.
Betty: And now I’m finally paying you back for it! You’re welcome.
Rick: She’s got you there, honey.
Betty: Oh, someone’s texting her.
Cindy: Mom…
Betty: I’m not looking!
Cindy: Good.
Tammi: She’s gonna look.
Betty: I’m not gonna look! I might grab it and run it out to her, just in case she hasn’t left yet, but -
Cindy: Oh my god.
Betty picks up Teri’s phone.
Betty: She got a message from someone called “iMatch.” Who is iMatch?
Ralph: Oh, wow.
Tammi: Good for Teri!
Betty: Who is it?
Steven: Don’t tell her.
Alysa: You don’t need to blow Teri’s cover this close to Valentine’s Day.
Betty: Oh! It’s a dating app!
Steven: Alysa!
Alysa: I see where I erred.
Betty: I can’t believe she’s on a dating app! I’ve told her to join one for years! How could she not tell me?
Jerry: Could it have something to do with you being utterly insane?
Betty: Excuse me?
Karl: I can’t defend you on this one.
Betty: I just want my daughter to find someone who loves her and who she wants to start a family with. Is that a crime?
Cindy: No, but harassment is a crime.
Betty: I don’t harass her!
Frank: I’ve seen suspects on SVU less guilty of harassment than you.
Betty: Shut up, Frank!
Tammi: Is anyone shocked by how that went?
Alysa: Not even slightly.
Betty: I’m just happy that she’s finally taking my advice and getting serious about not dying alone.
Karl: Oh come on!
Ralph: I like that she doesn’t even care a little about whether I die alone.
Betty: It’s not because I don’t care, it’s because I know you’re hopeless.
Karl: Oh my god, Betty!
Betty: What?
Karl: You can’t call our son hopeless!
Jeanette: Maybe she meant she’s hopelessly devoted to him. Like in Grease!
Rick: No, that… that would be creepy.
Jeanette: At least it wouldn’t be mean!
Ralph: No, she’s right. She knows I’m never planning to settle down and have kids. It actually makes me happy that she’s accepted it.
Danielle: I don’t understand why you’re so desperate for Teri to have kids, anyway. You have three generations of descendants who rushed into it way too young, you need someone to reproduce late in life to balance it all out.
Tammi: I am… well, I can’t say I’m outraged. You did get your facts right.
The door opens.
Teri: Hey, I think I forgot my phone! I was down the street and I reached in my pocket at the stop light so I could put some music on, and I realized I didn’t have it on me.
Karl: Betty, contain yourself.
Betty: Teri, I know where you’re going tonight!
Karl: Oh god.
Teri: Danielle, did you tell?
Betty: Danielle knew?
Teri: Oh boy. How’d you find out.
Cindy: Snooping on your phone.
Betty: It lit up when I picked it up! I was trying to be helpful and run it out to her.
Teri: And yet, you didn’t do that.
Rick: I’m lost. Where was Teri going?
Jeanette: A date, dear. Set up on that dating up.
Rick: Oh, right. I did’t put two and two together, sorry.
Jeanette: It’s fine, it’s what I’ve come to expect.
Alysa: I’m just so glad I never had to rely on an app to find love.
Ralph: Yeah, who needs an app when you’ve got sixth grade homeroom?
Steven: It wasn’t sixth grade!
Jerry: Eighth grade, right?
Steven: Yep. Love at first sight.
Alysa: Well… took until summer camp for me.
Teri: I think you should focus on their relationship troubles while I head out.
Betty: Nuh-uh! You’re not getting away that easy after this sneakiness!
Teri: I’m forty years old.
Cindy: Forty-four.
Teri: I don’t need to report to my mother when I want to go on a date.
Cindy: But you should, because when she inevitably does find out about it, it’s so annoying for us.
Teri: Not my problem!
Betty: I’m just happy you’re getting back out there. It’s been a while.
Teri: Well, not as long as you all think. I went on a few dates with a guy at work. Then I found out he has a pet snake. One that he lets have free roam of his apartment. That was that.
Betty: I know I’m sort of pushy with wanting you to settle down. I’m glad you didn’t settle with him.
Ralph: Is mom so desperate for grandkids she’s literally telling Teri to “settle?”
Betty: I don’t mean settle like that!
Tammi: Also, she has grandkids.
Alysa: Grandkids that have grandkids.
Tammi: Don’t remind me.
Teri: All right, I have to go before this guy thinks I’ve stood him up.
Betty: Go, go! That’s the last thing I’d want!
Cindy: We’re aware.
Later that night…
Betty: So… how’d it go?
Teri: Oh my god! Were you just sitting at the table and staring at the door all night?
Betty: Just for the last ten minutes or so. It’s ten after nine.
Teri: I didn’t realize I was still on a curfew.
Betty: It’s the time you said you’d be home!
Danielle: All I can say regarding how it went is… it’s the night before Valentine’s Day, and she’s home right after nine.
Teri: No, it was a fine date. He just works early morning.
Tammi: Oh no, he’s gonna ghost you.
Teri: We had a great connection! I just don’t want to rush.
Betty: Honey, you’ve been “not rushing” for years. Maybe it’s time to at least do a light jog, rather than crawling?
Teri: We’re going out again next Friday. Perhaps he can knock me up then?
Betty: That would be wonderful!
Ralph: This family is… something.
Jerry: Isn’t it great?
Ralph: I don’t know if that’s how most would describe it.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
