Milton walks into his office.
Kate: Ah, Milton! Good to see ya!
Milton: What are you doing in here?
Ellie: I’m here too!
Kate: We wanted to talk about your campaign.
Milton: All right… how did you get in? The office was locked, I’m the only one here.
Kate: Milton, I run this place.
Milton: That seemed vaguely threatening.
Kate: It’s not a threat, just an explanations to how we’re here.
Ellie: So, the campaign.
Milton: What about it?
Ellie: You need to kick it up a notch.
Milton: Excuse me?
Kate: Milton, we need you to win.
Milton: I would like to win.
Kate: Are you sure?
Milton: I’m confused here, I thought I was running a decent campaign.
Kate: Pound the pavement, Milton. No breaks, no relaxing. We’ve got three months to close the deal, you can do it. Look what Marietta’s been able to do with all her campaigning, she’s wishing a few points of the lead now.
Milton: I’ve done a lot of campaigning, I have events as often as I can.
Kate: More ads, more in-person events. You can miss a bit of voting in order to campaign. We need you in the Senate for six more years.
Milton: Do you know something I don’t?
Ellie: The race is tied! I don’t know what these voters see in Bethany Canadello, but she’s somehow clicking at your heels.
Kate: You don’t know what they see?
Ellie: What are you insinuating?
Kate: Have you seen her?
Ellie: Yeah, she’s got the charisma of a paper bag.
Kate: And she’s a model.
Milton: And I am…
Ellie: Do I need to go there?
Kate: You’re not a thirty year-old former TV anchor who appeared in Vogue. Fair or not, the pretty folks get an electoral boost.
Milton: So I might lose because voters think Bethany Canadello is hot?
Kate: Not entirely. You also live in a very conservative state, you were going to be in a dog fight regardless.
Milton: I’m aware, but I’m managing as well as I can.
Kate: Just, please try.
Milton: Why are you so concerned about my seat? We have a huge majority, is the other polling that bad?
Kate: We’re aiming for a supermajority, and it’s a tough map. Montana, West Virginia, Texas… it won’t be easy. Our only real pickup opportunities are Florida and Maine, and Olivia Stowe is entrenched. You need to win to give us even the slightest chance.
Milton: We’ve known all that, though. What’s changed?
Kate: The path has tightened. Nebraska’s out of play, Mississippi’s out of play. We think Florida is as good as ours, and Maine’s a reach. You’re our last hope. Well, you, John Marley and Max Hardrict.
Milton: And you think I’m the underdog.
Kate: No one said that!
Ellie: I’d say that.
Kate: All I’m saying is that it’s tough. You’re both polling at 48 percent right now, you need to work on swaying that 2.1 percent to come over to your side. It’s all you need.
Milton: I’ll be honest, I was more confident I could do that before this chat.
Kate: I believe in you, I just need you to fight as hard as possible. Give her hell.
Milton: I will.
Ellie: If you need me on the campaign trail, I’m willing.
Milton: Do you think Louisiana will be swayed by the Massachusetts liberal Harvard professor?
Ellie: You could have just turned me down politely.
Milton: Okay, will do. Ellie, I think Marietta could use your help more.
Ellie: See, that makes me feel better!
Milton: Glad I can help.
Two days later…
Patty Lynn: Milton, you look worried.
Kathleen: And aren’t you supposed to be working?
Patty Lynn: Don’t remind him! Every visit from him is a blessing, don’t risk saying a single thing that could make him leave!
Milton: Don’t worry, I’m going to be spending a lot more time in Louisiana.
Patty Lynn: Hallelujah! I need at least one of my kiddos here since the other one is off doing her own thing!
Sarah: Yeah, we don’t really have a mayor right now.
Patty Lynn: Nonsense! Amy’s ruining the show!
Sarah: That does not comfort me.
Martin: May I ask why you’re here on a Wednesday?
Milton: Polls.
Martin: Polls?
Milton: Polls for my senate race. They’ve been better.
Moira: He’s been very stressed ever since a talk with Kate and Ellie.
Patty Lynn: They stressed out my perfect boy?
Kathleen: He’s fifty-five years old!
Patty Lynn: And still my perfect boy. I’m going to give them a piece of my mind!
Milton: Mom, no! They made me realize reality, I’ve been coasting a bit.
Patty Lynn: You’re running a wonderful campaign! I see your smiling face at least once a day on The View.
Kathleen: I think he might need more than just the fans of Whoopi Goldberg to win this one.
Patty Lynn: I don’t know, Whoopi is very powerful.
Milton: Mom, I know you always want to see the best in me, but I haven’t ran anything resembling a perfect race. I need to get out there and connect with voters, hence me coming home.
Martin: Why didn’t you tell us about the polls? We could’ve done some campaign events for you.
Milton: You guys are already traversing across the country all the time for Marietta’s campaign, I didn’t want to make you work any harder.
Patty Lynn: It keeps us young!
Kathleen: Well, younger.
Sarah: You stole that from Hocus Pocus!
Kathleen: Borrowed!
Martin: So what sort of campaigning are you planning to do while you’re here in town?
Milton Well, my campaign manager Judy has me filming a few ads tomorrow, and then we can go knock on doors. Friday, I have a rally in Baton Rouge, then I’m going to Lake Charles on Saturday and Shreveport on Sunday.
Patty Lynn: Shreveport? Why go there over New Orleans?
Milton: Well, uh… I live here. I can visit voters in the city a lot easier than I can voters across the state.
Patty Lynn: Okay, but don’t forget us!
Milton: I’ll never forget New Orleans.
Kathleen: Your first debate is next Friday, right? Are you going to be here until then?
Milton: Kate told me I can miss as many votes as I need in order to campaign, and I’m taking her up on it. I have plenty of time to turn this around.
Kathleen: Just how bad are your polls?
Milton: It’s a tie right now.
Kathleen: That’s not as bad as I thought you were gonna say. I mean, you are running against a simpleton, but this state I filled with people that love simpletons, so I was worried.
Martin: It’s not fair to call Bethany Canadello a simpleton.
Kathleen: What really won’t be fair is if I have to call her my senator. The woman knows nothing!
Sarah: Don’t be sexist! She was a journalist for a long time.
Kathleen: How is it sexist to say she’s dumb?
Sarah: No one ever criticizes a male politician by insulting their intelligence.
Kathleen: Oh, I’ve got a whole list of male politicians who are severely lacking in IQ if you’d like to hear it. One, President Brian Delphy. Two -
Sarah: Okay, fair enough.
Kathleen: Sexist would be if I said she shouldn’t be a senator because she looks more qualified to be a Playboy Bunny. THAT would be wrong.
Patty Lynn: That is very wrong! She doesn’t have the hips for that!
Sarah: You can’t say that stuff anymore!
Patty Lynn: It’s true!
Milton: I agree with Sarah. Her policies are what’s awful, not her youth, not her gender, not her… lack of brains.
Martin: The lack of brains is pretty bad.
Milton: It’s not good.
Patty Lynn: Speaking of her youth, I didn’t even realize twenty-nine year-olds could run for Senate!
Milton: She’ll be thirty before she’d be sworn in.
Moira: But she’s never getting sworn in, because you’re winning!
Martin: Only if we work to make it happen! I believe in you, kid. Like I said, I’ll campaign for you as much as you need me to.
Milton: I really appreciate that. Just take it easy when you do campaign. I don’t need any of you wearing yourselves out.
Kathleen: We’re old, not in hospice. Family has each other’s backs, we’re gonna help you!
Sarah: I have a few weeks until I go to college, I can help, too!
Patty Lynn: What a fun family adventure this will be!
Milton: I have to ask one thing, though.
Patty Lynn: Yes?
Milton: Please don’t fight anyone who says they;’re not voting for me.
Patty Lynn: When would I ever do that?
Milton: We’re having a nice family dinner, I don’t need to ruin it by getting into that.
Kathleen: Nice dodge.
Milton: Thank you, I’ve had a lot of practice.
Later that night, Milton sits down in his living room.
Moira: I’m off to bed, honey. Don’t be long, if you know what I mean.
Milton: Yeah, Survivor is on tonight.
Moira: Our Wednesday night tradition!
Milton: I just have to make a phone call and then I’ll be ready.
Moira: All right, love ya!
Milton: Hey, pick out some good pajamas for me, it’ll save some time. You know how indecisive I am.
Moira: I hate to ever criticize you, but taking ten minutes to decide which pair of pajamas to wear that’ll only ever be seen by me is a bit… odd.
Milton: It can’t come as a surprise to you.
Moira: It truly does not.
Moira walks up the steps and Milton picks up his phone and calls Marietta.
Marietta: Wow, Milt! It’s pretty late, don’t you need some good rest before work tomorrow?
Milton: I’m actually home in Louisiana!
Marietta: You are?
Milton: Yeah, I’m campaigning. Speaking of which, where are you at right now?
Marietta: Tammy, where the hell are we?
Tammy: Spartanburg, South Carolina.
Marietta: You heard the lady!
Milton: Is it nice in Spartanburg?
Marietta: Well, I didn’t even know the name so you be the judge.
Amy: You’re polling in first down here, it’s a lovely place.
Marietta: And you heard that lady, too. So, what’s going on with you, besides campaigning?
Milton: Panicking.
Marietta: Oh god, what did mom do?
Milton: Nothing! It’s about my re-election campaign.
Marietta: Trust me, you don’t want my advice on winning in Louisiana.
Milton: You’ve done it more than I have!
Marietta: And I’ve lost it more than you have, too!
Milton: You’re running an excellent campaign for president.
Marietta: I appreciate that, but flattery gets you nowhere.
Milton: You were an underdog, now you’re consistently in the top three in polling even though everyone else has a national profile and you’re just a mayor.
Marietta: Just a mayor? I recall holding that Senate seat of yours for twenty years before Betty Benoit got her greasy, dead hands on it.
Milton: But they are currently senators, they’re always on Meet the Press and all the other political shows. You’re hard at work in one city, you didn’t get that glowing national press, but you’re still running with the ones that did. That’s impressive!
Marietta: I guess it is. Life’s such a blur.
Tammy: Marietta, are you almost done? There are people that want to meet you.
Marietta: Like I said, a blur!
Milton: I just need advice. How did you stand out and make some of the more conservative-minded voters in the state vote for you without betraying your convictions?
Marietta: Well, uh… they didn’t, which is why I’m a mayor now.
Milton: You won four times! You had to do something right.
Marietta: Well, Louisiana was less red when I first got in, but once it moved to the right, I ran on my qualifications. I told them that I stood up for our state, I was always on their side and I voted in their best interest, that I wouldn’t get pushed around by anyone.
Milton: And how’d you deal with your opponents?
Marietta: I crucified them if I had to. Clearly, you do. I’ve seen your ads, they’re all bout you. A positive campaign is good, but you can’t just ignore who you’re running against. Trust me, there’s a lot to attack Bethany Canadello on. She’s… dim.
Milton: She is, but that’s a little mean to say.
Marietta: Don’t outright say it. Paint a picture of her that’ll prompt the voters to come to that conclusion on their own.
Amy: Marietta, we have another stop after this, we can’t stay here forever!
Marietta: Milton, I gotta go. The Witches of Eastwick are getting impatient.
Milton: You have a good night, and good luck on the trail.
Marietta: I’m gonna need it, they’re about to drive me to alcoholism.
Tammy: The feeling is mutual!
Three days later…
Patty Lynn: You know, it’s been a long time since I’ve been to Lake Charles.
Martin: It was never my favorite place. Kind of, uh… I don’t know. I just never connected with it.
Kathleen: I like the Lucinda Williams song about it.
Milton: Dad, let’s keep that down a bit while we’re here campaigning for votes.
Martin: Don’t get wrong, it’s not a bad place. I just prefer Eastern Louisiana, around Lake Pontchartrain. That area just has a unique air to it.
Kathleen: That’s damage control.
Sarah: Yes… swamp.
Martin: Beautiful swamp!
Kathleen: The whole state is swamp! It’s what we love about it.
Milton: Is it? I always thought that was just one of the side effects.
Kathleen: No, it’s the main attraction. That and the food.
Milton: Oh, the food!
Moira: Your mother’s food, in particular. Not mine.
Milton: You’re from North Carolina originally, it’s not in your blood like it is in ours.
Sarah: I think generally if blood is in your food, you’re cooking wrong.
Milton: As lovely as this conversation has been, I think Congresswoman Jordiin is done talking, and it’s time for me to go out and talk.
Moira: Good luck, honey. Wish me luck with them.
Patty Lynn: Why would you need luck with us?
Moira: Have you met you?
Patty Lynn: That wasn’t very nice.
Kathleen: It was earned.
Thirty minutes later…
Milton: We will fight for a brighter future for Louisiana, not because we can but because we must! Every generation deserves a better life than the one that came before. We must move forward, we must preserve our rights.
Man: Communist!
Milton: I’m here not as a Democrat fighting for Democratic policies, I’m here as a Louisianan fighting for Louisiana. This state has such potential, but we have to work to realize it. Bethany Canadello wants to take us backwards.
Man: You’re a communist tyrant!
Milton: Sir, are you kidding me?
Man: Being an communist is not a joke!
Milton: Let me be perfectly clear, you have every right to believe what you want, you have every right to protest me and heckle me, because it’s a free country. I have every right to tell you that, because I believe in that, I’m not a communist tyrant.
Man: Stop voting like a communist, then!
Milton: Sir, I respect your right to free speech, I wish you could respect mine. Since you insist on hurling insults, I have to tell you that calling me a “communist” could not possibly be further from the truth. I ask that you educate yourself on my policies, like defending healthcare, expanding broadband internet, and lowering taxes on the middle and lower class, and less on throwing a public fit. Again, it’s your right, but a lot of people came here today for this rally and I wish you’d have a bit of respect for them. Now, shall we continue?
One week later…
Moira: Are you ready for this debate?
Milton: I was born ready! In fact, I think that heckler last week prepared me better than any debate prep I could have done.
Martin: It put you ahead in the polls a little bit, it went, as the kids say, “viral.”
Kathleen: Yeah, some people do still seem to respect politicians that can politely disagree with others. I would’ve sworn that was nothing more than fantasy.
Milton: it was half a point, it’s still a complete tossup.
Patty Lynn: Well, go out out there and toss her around a bit.
Sarah: There had to be a better way to phrase that.
One hour later…
Velma Boudreaux: It’s been a spirited and vigorous debate, but it’s time to close it out. We’re going to provide a few minutes to each of our candidates for a closing statement. Senator Landfield won the coin toss and has has chosen to go last. Ms. Canadello, the floor is yours.
Bethany: Louisiana, the choices in this election couldn’t be more stark. On the left, you have a far-left extremist who has blocked President Delphy’s agenda in lockstep with his friend, Kate Hagelin. I’ll be a vote to stop the extremist Hagelin agenda and defend true conservatism. Throughout the debate, Senator Landfield tried to paint me as something I’m not: some sort of inexperienced idiot. His utter lack of respect for opposing views is not something this state should enable. The senator does not care about Louisiana values, just DC values. I will protect the unborn, he will not. I will defend our right to free speech just like I did as an anchor at KTLI, he’s a vote for censorship. I will defend your families and their right to economic freedom, he’ll vote to raise your taxes. I may not be a career politician like him, I may not have the experience in the senate, but I’ve got heart, and I love this state. I’ll always put Louisiana first.
Velma: Senator Landfield, your closing statement?
Milton: Don’t let my opponent’s youth and inexperience fool you, she’s just as extreme as the rest of her party. Behind the facade of a professional, successful young journalist is nothing more than a right-wing think tank who will tell her how to vote. And before she claims I’m being ageist, I say that not because she’s a youthful, but because she’s looking to be a part of Greg Sherwood’s Republican caucus. They all take their marching orders from The Liberty Foundation and the Republicans’ corporate donors, I’ve seen it firsthand. Anyone who steps out of line is ostracized, bullied and blackmailed. You can just ask my friend Aimee Ferrera Donahue, the right-wing media’s favorite target for bullying. When she claims I will vote to raise your taxes, she conveniently leaves out that I voted to lower taxes for Louisiana families - she’s endorsed a plan that economics say will cost a ten percent tax rise over the next ten years, and cause a surge in inflation. That’s not her only inconsistency, and it’s not the only time tonight where she displayed a staggering lack of understanding in the policies she is championing on the campaign trail. She calls me extreme - I’ve been named among the five most bipartisan senators, and I’m endorsed by several former Republican governors. She’s given a full-throated endorsement to every extreme right position, and been endorsed by every extreme right politician. Don’t believe Bethany Canadello when she says she’s going to protect your Social Security benefits, or your access to Medicare and Medicaid, or your children’s right to public education, because she won’t! She’ll dutifully get in line and sell you all down the river. I know we’re used to seeing her in our homes on the evening news, but a friendly face does not mean she won’t do unfriendly things. She won’t protect the things your family holds dear, I will. Don’t let her trick you into voting against your own self-interest. I’m on your side, I’ve always been on your side, and I hope you will give me the opportunity to prove that in the Senate for another six years. This senate seat is too important to take a gamble on someone who utterly lacks in every qualification to serve in the world’s greatest deliberative body. She is utterly uninterested in deliberation, only being a rubber stamp for a president who oversaw an insurrection and tried to take away Social Security.
Velma: And that’s our debate! Next week, a debate between congresswoman Ginnie Pappadone and businessman Lester Iverson.
Four days later…
Kate: Milton!
Milton: Oh no, what’s wrong now?
Kate: You killed her.
Milton: It was an accident, I swear! October surprise!
Ellie: Milton, it’s September.
Milton: Close enough!
Ellie: Wait, what was an accident?
Milton: I may have killed Sarah’s fish ten years ago.
Ellie: Yeah, that’s not moving any votes.
Kate: The debate, Milton. You killed her in the debate. You’re up five points now, the voters see Canadello as inexperienced, unknowledgeable and unfit to serve.
Milton: Well, they’ve got two months to forget, so let’s not let them.
Kate: That’s the spirit!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
