BRYAN
Playoffs are my favorite games. Nice and relaxing.
DAVE
Nice and relaxing? The stakes are literally never higher than they are in the playoffs.
BRYAN
Not for me. I get to sit back and watch a game I know for a fact I won’t be pitching in.
DAVE
Fair enough. And thank God.
ROBERT
Also it’s nice to get to watch high quality coverage on TV this year. They don’t do it like this on the local stations.
MANNY
Yeah, the regional station coverage has been getting worse by the year. Can’t blame them with all the budget cuts.
VICTOR
Lorenzo, aren’t we supposed to be doing something to save our jobs today?
LORENZO
Nah. That ship has sailed. Just enjoy the game in this bullpen while you can. And goes for everyone.
FELIX
I bet I’ll pitch today.
ACE
No way, have you seen this pitcher? He’s like the biggest star we have! I know our pitching has slipped a bit, but not him.
Everyone sits back and watches the start of the game. Immediately, their pitcher gives up a hit.
LORENZO
He must be a little rough.
HARRY
I think rusty is the word you’re looking for. Hasn’t pitched in over a week. Maybe.
The Primitives’ pitcher gives up a second hit, this time a double.
CARTER
Uh oh. I better start warming up. I bet they want me warming up.
LORENZO
Nonsense, if they wanted that, the bullpen phone would be ringing! Just sit here, relax, and enjoy the game.
The Primitives’ pitcher gives up a home run, making the score 3-0. The bullpen notices JASON walking up to the mound to pull the pitcher from the game.
VICTOR
Damn, pulling the poor guy already. Surprised they didn’t have the next guy come and warm up first, but I guess that’s just what happens when you’re naturally good.
The bullpen continues to look at the TV, noticing that nobody is walking up to the mound.
HARRY
Where’s the next dude?
FELIX
Lorenzo, please tell me you didn’t do something dumb with the phone.
DAVE runs over to the bullpen phone.
DAVE
It’s…on silent. Lorenzo, how the HELL do you put the bullpen phone on silent?! I didn’t even know that was a thing!
LORENZO
Oh. Right. Forgot I did that. Whoops.
FELIX
Alright, someone’s gotta go in the game. Quick…rock paper scissors?
FELIX, DAVE, and CARTER partake in a game of rock, paper, scissors. They constantly tie.
ACE
That’s it, I’m going in.
ACE runs out of the indoor bullpen and to the mound. Realizing there is no ball on the mound, the home plate umpire throws one to him. It hits him in the stomach,. JASON walks up to the mound.
JASON
You okay?
ACE
Yeah I’m fine.
JASON
No you’re not.
JASON takes the ball from ACE, who starts to jog back to the bullpen. Not noticing DAVE jogging to the mound, the two collide and fall to the ground. After a few seconds, they get back up.
ACE
They didn’t want me in the game.
DAVE
And I sure as hell won’t be going in anymore either! Thanks a lot.
ACE and DAVE both return to the bullpen.
LORENZO
Good inning guys!
DAVE
You dimwit, it hasn’t started yet! We still need someone to pitch! This is getting embarrassing!
HARRY
Getting?
DEVIN
Alright, somebody needs to go in and it sure as hell won’t be me. I just pitched a week ago.
DAVE
Wow, only a whole week ago! Your arm must be killing you!
DEVIN
On and off.
DAVE rolls his eyes.
MANNY
Felix? Carter? Can’t one of you go in?
CARTER
No can do, we lost rock paper scissors so it wouldn’t be fair.
BRYAN
I got the kid at home so…
MANNY
What’s that got to do with anything?
BRYAN
My kid’s probably watching this on TV, I don’t want her to see me embarrass myself on the mound.
ROBERT
Guess that leaves me. Wish me luck, guys.
ROBERT leaves the bullpen and runs out to the mound. He fails to throw a single strike before JASON walks up to the mound.
JASON
Robert, my old bullpen pal, how are you doing?
ROBERT
Well I can’t throw a strike so…the usual.
JASON
I’ll tell you a secret: the second our starter got shelled, I figured we just screw it for this game. Hope to come back in the next two, you know?
JASON calls for the home plate umpire to come to the mound.
HOME PLATE UMPIRE
What’s going on guys?
JASON
We’re forfeiting.
HOME PLATE UMPIRE
The Primitives are forfeiting a playoff game, eh? How the mighty have fallen.
JASON returns back to the dugout and ROBERT returns to the bullpen.
LORENZO
We’ll get ‘em next time.
ROBERT
I know you don’t believe that.
LORENZO
I have nothing better to say.
Everyone leaves, looking defeated and grim about the team’s chances of winning the Wild Card series.