Betty charges through the front door.
Teri: Here we go!
Cindy: Mom, what’s wrong? Someone did something. Who was it?
Betty: I can’t even talk.
Ralph: Anita.
Betty: DON’T say that name!
Karl: Honey, what was it?
Betty: She… she went too far this time.
Teri: Whatever it is, we can have Steven talk to Alysa about it.
Steven: No we can’t! We need boundaries!
Teri: Aww, he thinks he’s an adult now! Well guess what? Even adults don’t get to turn down insane requests from their relatives, not in this family!
Cindy: What did Anita actually do?
Betty: Family meeting!
Danielle: Do we have to move out? She’s acting like it’s a catastrophe of that level.
Betty: I will never forgive her for this!
Tammi: Grandma, we need to know what is happening. What did Anita do?
Betty: When everyone’s here, I’ll tell you.
Teri: She’s acting like Ryan Seacrest announcing the results on Idol.
Cindy: No, he doesn’t have fun like that anymore. The show’s so dull now.
Jerry: That show went downhill after Carrie Underwood.
Danielle: No, it went downhill after Kelly Clarkson.
Mitchell: I was outside napping, what is going on?
Velma: It’s September, why were you napping outside?
Mitchell: No one would ever think to look for me there!
Velma: And yet, here you are.
Betty: I was at the HOA meeting tonight, and Anita announced a major change to something we all hold dear.
Teri: What’s she doing to dad? Is she euthanizing him?
Karl: I’ve had a good life.
Betty: Our dear Fall Run, which we have long dominated to the envy of the neighborhood, has been retired.
Danielle: Hallelujah!
Cindy: I always knew God was real.
Ralph: I’m starting to believe myself.
Betty: Excuse me? Do we not all love this cherished annual activity?
Jerry: We liked it before you got crazy about it.
Velma: Yeah, the constant panic about “upholding the legacy” in what’s supposed to be a friendly neighborhood competition is not fun.
Betty: Well, you’re all out of luck, because they’re replacing it with something new!
Jerry: I take it back.
Cindy: For the first time, God has let me down.
Teri: I like the Fall Run, so what’s replacing it?
Betty: It’s called the Fall Olympics, and it’s sports.
Karl: Are they legally allowed to call it that?
Betty: I don’t know, but I hate sports!
Cindy: You don’t hate sports! You like, uh… Simone Biles. The figure skating. That kinda stuff.
Jerry: The girly stuff?
Cindy: It’s sports! Not sports people watch outside the Olympics, but it’s sports.
Steven: What sports are they making us do?
Mitchell: Yeah, we need to know what we’ll have to do for this dumb thing that doesn’t matter.
Betty: It does matter! This is our way to prove we’re not a laughing stock!
Teri: That’s not gonna do it.
Betty: They’ve decided on basketball, football, baseball, soccer, field hockey and, to keep it fall, they’re keeping the pumpkin carving.
Mitchell: Dibs on that!
Velma: You just don’t want to play sports!
Mitchell: Exactly!
Teri: How on earth did you not die during Survivor?
Mitchell: I’ll never tell!
Steven: Grandma, I don’t know why you’re mad about this. Isn’t change good?
Betty: We are not sporty people! I barely even know what a basketball looks like! I broke my ankle playing soccer in the second grade and I haven’t played since! Anita knows this, and she’s using it to make sure we don’t beat her yet again. This is rigged against us!
Teri: Mom, you sound like a lunatic.
Ralph: If it walks like a duck…
Betty: We’re just going to have to hit the gym.
Frank: Well, I think my fine natural physique will be more than enough to carry us to victory.
Danielle: How many people are even on a football team? And is that safe for the elderly to compete in?
Teri: Who are you calling elderly?
Danielle: Well… most of us.
Betty: I don’t know, Danielle, and I’m furious. This is awful. They’re putting us at risk just for the sake of a win.
Jerry: We don’t have to compete.
Betty: Of course we have to compete! Us not competing is what Anita wants! I’m not giving that banshee what she wants!
Frank: Careful, that could be Steven’s mother-in-law one day.
Betty: And while her daughter has somehow turned out to be a lovely young woman, Anita herself is a demon sent from hell to ruin my life.
Tammi: I thought things were finally turning around with you two?
Betty: Why would you think that?
Tammi: She wasn’t telling me how much she hates you lately.
Betty: Do you regularly talk to her?
Tammi: Well, our children are, uh… in a relationship.
Teri: As we all heard in London, they’re more than that!
Steven: Please don’t.
Teri: Hey, you waited longer than most of this family.
Steven: Oh my god, this family…
Velma: Is there a reason we went from complaining about having to do a sports competition with the neighborhood to talking about Steven’s sex life?
Betty: As always, it’s Frank’s fault!
Frank: I did not go there. Teri went there.
Teri: Well, when you experience a family moment as traumatic as the meltdown Tammi had because of that, it sticks with you.
Jerry: When is this Fall Olympics thing? I’m a very busy man.
Cindy: You’re retired, sweetie.
Jerry: I have hobbies!
Cindy: You know what my hobby is? Not hearing my mother complain. We’re all doing this.
Betty: That’s the spirit! We’re going to need to train for it, though! We can’t go out there and embarrass ourselves!
Teri: Can I just remind us all that this is a neighborhood completion? This is not the real Olympics, this isn’t even a high school-level sporting event. This is a bunch of middle-aged people and their kids shooting hoops and tackling each other on a field. We don’t exactly need professional training.
Velma: Good thing I’ve been watching that Caitlin Clark girl this year. I finally know how you’re supposed to throw a basketball.
Jerry: You didn’t know before?
Velma: Nope! Caitlin Clark effect!
Jerry: That’s kinda sad.
Cindy: Teri, you have a good point. This is a bunch of amateurs playing sports they’ve probably not really played in years. There are going to be so many injuries.
Ralph: I’m fairly certain a few people are gonna die. Maybe a few of us.
Betty: No one’s going to die! Well, except maybe Frank, but that’d be a murder, not an accident.
Frank: I said nothing!
Betty: Your presence triggers me.
Frank: As bad as Anita’s does?
Betty: Wow, that’s a tough one. Fifty-fifty.
Frank: I thought we were better than that.
Betty: Well, you voice is just s-
Teri: All right, mom. I think meeting’s over.
Jerry: No one ever told me when this Fall Olympic thing is happening.
Betty: Three weeks!
Jerry: That’s pretty short notice.
Betty: Hence why we need training. Thankfully, I’ve already decorated the house for Halloween, so we can devote every spare minute to practicing. We’re going to be the Sporty of this neighborhood’s Spice Girls, just wait and see.
Teri: Comparing us to the Spice Girls does not give me great confidence that we’re going to win, but luckily, I don’t care. The fun of competition matters more than winning.
Ralph: What fun?
Two days later…
Betty: All right, I’ve put our rosters together for the Fall Olympics!
Jerry: Are you our coach?
Betty: Someone needs to be!
Jerry: Preferably someone with any knowledge at all of sports.
Betty: I’ve done a lot of research the last few days, I’ve learned lots about sports. I know what a three-pointer is now, I know what a bullpen is, I’ve learned hail Mary passes… I’m pretty much an expert.
Teri: I somehow doubt that.
Betty: Anyway, the rosters are posted, so go ahead and check them.
Jerry: Almost everyone is doing every sport.
Betty: Yeah, well, you’re allowed up to eleven players in almost every sport, except for basketball, where you’re allowed up to eight.
Frank: They seemed to have tweaked the rules of all of these sports.
Betty: They have to, not everyone’s got a full baseball team worth of people in their family. You only need seven people on your team to compete, but you can submit up to eleven people per sport if you want a bench. I explained this already.
Fran: You did not.
Betty: Don’t question me, Frank.
Velma: I’ve never played field hockey before, is that going to be a problem?
Betty: You skipping practice yesterday was a major problem, yes.
Cindy: I’m worried about dad playing all these sports.
Karl: I was a star athlete in school, I should be okay. Maybe not with the soccer, I don’t know what that’s about.
Betty: I tried my best, okay?
Karl: Of course you did. No one could doubt that.
Teri: You got saddled with a pretty rough group
Betty: I can’t believe I’m about to say these words, but thank god we have Frank.
Frank: You should show it then!
Betty: Nah.
A few weeks later…
Cindy: So, how are we all feeling about tomorrow?
Betty: Unprepared! What we are is unprepared!
Teri: Mom, it doesn’t matter! Don’t stress!
Betty: Beating Anita matters! What could possibly matter more?
Teri: Making sure none of us break any bones.
Ralph: Or die!
Teri: Yeah, that too.
Betty: No one’s going to her themselves. We have all the proper equipment to prevent injuries.
Cindy: I don’t think they make equipment that ensures you’re not going to get hurt. And if anyone’s going to get hurt… it’s us.
Betty: No need to be so negative. No one’s going to get hurt.
Ralph: You were the one saying we’re not prepared.
Betty: Unprepared, yes, but I don’t want anyone backing out because they think they’re going to get hurt. It’s very unlikely.
Velma: Look, we all know we’re not allowed to back out. We’re far more worried of your wrath than we are of an injury.
Betty: I’m glad to hear that! Being feared is fun!
Teri: That’s kinda deranged, mom.
Betty: I’m aware. I don’t mind.
Tammi: Her entire reason for caring about this is to rub it in Anita’s face when we win, derangement is already baked into this.
Betty: And we will win again!
Steven: I don’t know, Anita’s been preparing for this even more than we have. Apparently she’s really gotten into shape, and she made Mr. DeFleur get in shape too. And Alysa’s always been pretty athletic.
Tammi: I don’t want to hear any jokes from you people about that with your twisted minds.
Teri: All I was going to say was that he would know best.
Tammi: What did I say?
Teri: I’m not even allowed to make observations anymore, this is tyranny.
Betty: Anita DeFleur and her family and “friends” will not beat us. Not this year, not any year. Even cheating won’t stop the inevitable!
Ralph: I do worry that having people on our soccer team that don’t know how soccer works will blow the game for us. That being said, I also don’t really care.
Betty: After all of our practice, I really do think we’ve all gotten a hang of all of these sports. We somewhat know the rules, we know how to play. We may not be very good, but we’ve put in enough work to have a fighting chance.
Teri: Confidence is like half the battle, so that’s a good place to start.
Cindy: I don’t think that’s true.
Teri: I’m just trying to be positive, we’re gonna get creamed tomorrow.
Mitchell: Speaking of creamed, when’s dinner? I thought someone was making some sorta creamed corn casserole?
Velma: How about you make it if you’re so hungry?
Mitchell: I don’t want to.
Velma: Typical.
The next day…
Betty: You guys, I am going to be cheering you on every step of the way. Steven, you need to be our LeBron. Frank, you have to be our Michael Jordan.
Teri: Apologize to Michael Jordan. Right now!
Betty: Danielle, we need you to be our Caitlin Clark.
Danielle: Comparing me to someone almost forty years younger than me is a great way to flatter me.
Betty: Jerry, you have to be our, uh… Larry Bird! And Tammi, I don’t know any other women basketball players but just be good.
Tammi: I’m kinda shocked you were even able to name four.
Betty: I’ve done lots of studying! And, my bench, you guys rest up, you never know when someone’s going to need to be pulled from the game.
Tammi: I’m okay being pulled right now.
Jerry: We’ve never gotten any clarification on how the scoring of this works or, uh, how many games we have to play.
Betty: I believe it’s like the real Olympics, with a tournament style elimination, except you get one point for every game you win.
Jerry: Again, how many games are you going to have to play?
Betty: However many it takes to beat everyone.
Jerry: It’s gonna be a big day.
Betty: Four more sports after this, too!
Ralph: Yeah, several of us are dying today.
Danielle: Hopefully I go quick.
Teri: This is the fun I’ve always dreamed of.
Four hours later…
Anita: Well, you having fun, Betty?
Betty: You don’t get to laugh at us. You’re not winning, either!
Anita: We’re in third, you’re in fourth, I think it’s obvious who’s doing better.
Betty: We’re only done with two events. Your cockiness is entirely unwarranted. In fact, with how much you’ve rigged this to make us lose and you win, you’re the one who should be embarrassed.
Anita: How can we compete against Lianne’s superteam? She’s playing with all her most athletic “friends,” she’s not being bogged down by her family!
Cindy: Bogged down?
Anita: Let’s be honest, this is not a family of athletes.
Danielle: I think I held my own in baseball.
Velma: You were the only one that even hit the ball for the first four innings.
Danielle: Steven’s injury was so unfortunate. Thankfully, because we’re so responsible and this is a very safe event, we got him bandaged up and right back on the field.
Frank: But I was the one who sealed the deal for us.
Cindy: Yes, you got us third place. Excellent work.
Frank: Better than you all did in basketball after I tapped out!
Karl: I knew I shouldn’t have been playing in that game. I’m old!
Velma: You did better than me.
Anita: So clearly you’re having some… familial issues. I should leave you to that.
Alysa: Mom, do you have to be such an ass to them all the time?
Anita: Don’t talk to you mother like that!
Alysa: I’m just tired of you being so rude! You know how much I love Steven, and you don’t need to bully his family the way you do, taunting them for no reason.
Betty: Yeah!
Anita: She taunts me right back!
Betty: That’s a lie!
Alysa: She only taunts you because you give her reason to. You always try to one-up her and undermine her.
Anita: My own daughter is saying this nonsense to me?
Betty: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions.
Alysa: Mom, I’m defecting to Team Bellwood.
Betty: Excuse me?
Anita: Yeah, excuse me?
Alysa: I’d rather lose with people who respect the competition than win with someone who belittles everyone.
Anita: You can’t defect!
Betty: There’s nothing in the rulebook that says you can’t!
Alysa: I’m joining them!
Anita: We’ll be disqualified, we only have seven people on our team! You know this!
Alysa: Growing up, you always told me to treat people with respect. You’re not doing that, so I have to follow my heart.
Anita: Damn my good heart!
Betty: You must be suffering from heart failure the last few years.
Four hours…
Betty: I think we did it, gang. Alysa, you may have won this for us.
Teri: May? Having two people that aren’t AARP eligible is the only reason we pulled off all the wins we did.
Steven: Didn’t you know she was a star of the high school soccer team?
Alysa: Don’t flatter me, I wasn’t that good.
Betty: You were compared to the rest of these people!
Karl: Are we actually going to beat Lianne’s team? It’s still close, no?
Betty: Pumpkin carving’s our best event. If we win that, we’re golden!
Velma: I wonder why the only event that requires no physical activity is our best.
Teri: The world may never know!
Anita: All right, it’s time for the results of the pumpkin carving contest! In third place, with their Creature from the Black Lagoon carve, Team Carmichael! In second, with their Michael Myers cave, it’s Team Sullivan!
Betty: This is it, this is it, this is it!
Cindy: I think ours was by far the best, frankly. No one compares!
Anita: And our champions, with their Beetlejuice carve, it’s Team Bellwood!
Betty: Take that, Anita!
Anita: Is that necessary?
Betty: Yup!
Anita: This isn’t over!
Betty: It seems pretty over to me!
Alysa: Steven, did I do the right thing?
Steven: For my sanity, yes.
What did you think of the season premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!