Our House Season 5 Finale - Our Marietta

Our House Season 5, Episode 22
Our Marietta

The family is on an airplane at the start of their vacation.

Betty: I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you, you didn’t poke around like normal.

Teri: I think that’s a compliment. Thanks, mom!

Betty: You are so welcome! I really am proud. I don’t think today’s trip through the airport took any time off my life, which is so unusual.

Cindy: Teri was just able to rush because she’s so excited to drink and party in New Orleans. She never hurries like that when we’re not flying somewhere she picked to visit.

Ralph: You talk as if wanting to drink and party in New Orleans is a bad thing. I can’t think of anywhere better to get drunk.

Jerry: Yeah, honey, don’t be a buzzkill. This place is magical. You can carry open cups of booze out on the street!

Tammi: The booze isn’t the only good part of New Orleans, they also have so much culture.

Teri: Yes, but the booze is a big part of it. Some would say it’s the most important part, not me, but some.

Betty: There is so much to do, that’s why I made a schedule to k-

Ralph: Mom, let us land first before you telegraph exactly how we’re going to spend our next two weeks.

Tammi: There really is so much in the city, and it’s all in walking distance, for the most part.

Mitchell: I don’t “walk.”

Velma: You will walk, and you will like it.

Karl: I think we should stop talking as a unit now, we’re all in different rows, we’re very loud.

Teri: These people should be honored to overhear our hilarity.

Karl: Honey, the flight attendant is walking over to us.

Teri: To give us pretzels, I’m sure.

Karl: She doesn’t have a cart with her.

Ralph: She looks angry.

Terri: All right, fine. We should all keep our thoughts to ourselves and remain silent for the rest of the flight. We wouldn’t want to accidentally have too much fun while traveling!

Karl: Exactly! Glad we’re on the same page!

Four hours later…

Teri: You know what? It was nice to get a little peace and quiet for once. I read a book! A whole book!

Ralph: Only took forty years!

Betty: We’re very proud of you, honey. I listened to the Olivia Rodrigo album four times. Then I napped. Then I listened to the Olivia Rodrigo album some more because I couldn’t figure out how to find any other albums to listen to. Then my battery died so I sorta just sat there. Luckily, someone left an old People Magazine in the seat pocket in front of me. It was so sad to hear Valerie Harper died. I loved Rhoda.

Cindy: That was, like, five years ago. It was really sad.

Betty: How did I miss that?

Teri: You were too busy reading the People magazine special edition about Lauren Bacall’s death.
Velma: I guess it’s good we all enjoyed some silence on the place ride, since we’re now in the loudest city in America.

Mitchell: The city that never sleeps!

Velma: That’s New York.

Mitchell: Then I’d say they’re loudest.

Velma: Okay, we’re in the most spirited city.

Danielle: You know, I was here a few years ago with my sister and her son. I can show you guys around a bit, be a tour guide of sorts.

Teri: You want to be responsible for guiding this? We’re un-guidable.

Tammi: I think you should feel free to guide all you want, but tomorrow we’re going on a guided bus tour. So maybe let the tour guide do the guiding then.

Danielle: Fine by me, but I bet the tour guide won’t have the guts to show you guys the haunted witch fountain that makes time disappear.

Steven: I wanna see that!

Cindy: I have a very serious question to ask, I need you to answer it very seriously.

Danielle: I will consider it.

Cindy: Are you going to get us killed on this trip?

Danielle: I’m going to try very hard not to, but no promises.

Cindy: Just don’t get us hexed by witches, okay? That’s not how I want to go out, the spawns of Satan will not catch me.

Ralph: You should try praying the witches away, then.

Teri (singing to herself): Dark lady laughed and danced and lit the candles one by one, danced to her gypsy music 'til her brew was done

Frank: What is that noise I hear?

Jerry: Oh, that’s just Teri singing Cher. The song was going through my head, too, no worries.

Teri: That’s a scary thought.

Ralph: The witches have already hexed us! It’s too late!

Danielle: This has taken a turn.

Karl: Speaking of things taking a turn, can we turn, turn, turn and go grab our luggage? We can talk over our plans for the trip at the hotel, rather than in the middle of the airport.

The next day…

Karl: So how about that rain yesterday?

Teri: Dad, you’re distracting me.

Karl: Distracting you? From what?

Teri: I am patiently watching for the bus.

Karl: So, anyway, that rain! It felt like the heavens opened upon us and were just pouring water down. I’ve never seen such an intense rain. The street looked like a canal!

Ralph: That’s why they call it Canal Street, no?

Karl: We could barely even get to Walmart. And then it was somehow pouring even worse when we got out of Walmart. Say, Jerry?

Jerry: Yes it was terrible.

Karl: We looked like we jumped into a pool by the time we were done lading groceries into the car.

Teri: Oh, look! Our bus is here!

Tammi: That’s not our bus. That’s not even a bus at all!

Teri: Shh! I’m trying to put an end to this conversation!

Karl: You all warm my heart.

Ralph: I said nothing. This time.

Betty: I care about your weather stories, honey. You can tell me all about the rain.

Teri (singing): I can’t stand the rain -

Cindy: Oh, look, Tina Turner, the bus is actually here!

Teri: It is?

Cindy: No. I just didn’t want to hear you sing any longer.

Ralph: You’re singing a lot on this trip so far. Don’t keep it up

Teri: I can’t help it. I associate music with travel.

Ralph: The bus is here!

Mitchell: No one is falling for that again.

Velma: Are you deaf? A bus clearly just pulled up behind us.

Mitchell; That could be anything.

Velma: All right, your choice. We’ll get on the bus, you stand here staring at the hotel all day.

Mitchell: All right, fine. I’ll get on the bus.

Velma: Ah! He fell for it!

Mitchell: You are mean.

Betty: I don’t ever play mean tricks on people, so you can all believe me when I say this: the bus just turned the corner.

Teri: It’s about damn time.

Tammi: Isn’t that a Lizzo song?

Steven: Why would you remind her?

Tammi: I’m a fool.

One hour later…

Driver: Y’all, as many of you may know, this is the historic Jackson Square. I am going to park the bus and give you some time to explore the area, including the beautiful St. Charles Cathedral and the French Quarter area. This will be the only opportunity you will have to walk around in the French Quarter while on our tour. Make sure you’re back to the bus within twenty minutes.

CindY: You hear that, mom? Twenty minutes. Not two hours.

Betty: My ears word, Cindy.

Ralph: No, they don’t!

Betty: My hearing aids work.

Ralph: They do when they’re not busy ringing in tune to Carol of the Bells.

The family gets off the bus.

Tammi: Isn’t this place just beautiful?

Danielle: You know, when I was here last time, my sister and I got muffuletta sandwiches and ate them right on this bench. That was nice. Maybe we should do th-

Teri: Twenty minutes!

Danielle: We have two weeks here, maybe later in the trip?

Teri: Yes, that can work. Right now, let’s take this all in, get our feet wet. Most of us have never been here before. We’re eager to see what this town has to offer.

Jerry: Speak for yourself. I’m eager for a drink.

Tammi: It’s eleven AM, you are not drinking!

Jerry: Let me live a little!

Betty: Wow, look at that statue! Look how majestic it looks in front of that cathedral!

Frank: Isn’t that one of the statues you guys want to tear down because if offends you?

Teri: You really want to be a lame ass on vacation, too? Come on, man!

Frank: I was cracking a joke. Is that not allowed?

Teri: Wow, New Orleans put some bite into him! I’m a little proud.

Ralph: Must’ve been all that rain yesterday, huh, dad?

Karl: I will no longer be commenting on rain, not for the time being.

Cindy: Good choice, dad. Don’t give ‘em more ammo.

Mitchell: That’s how I try to live my life, and yet…

Velma: Wait, this is you TRYING not to give me extra ammo? I thought you were just being generous and doing ridiculous things for my sake.

Tammi: We’ve spent about a quarter of our time bickering, I’m going to go spend the rest at this beautiful cathedral.

Betty: Oh my god! Is that who I think it is?

Teri: Is Jessica Lange here? How do I look?

Betty: I think that’s Marietta Landfield, the mayor. I love her, I want her to be the president.

Frank: You mean the communist lady?

Jerry: Thankfully, she is not the president, and we have a respectable Christian conservative instead.

Teri: Mom acts around the mayor of New Orleans the way I acted when I met Olivia Rodrigo outside her concert that time.

Ralph: She gets one selfie with a teenage girl, she never shuts up about it.

Teri: Hey, it’s better than dad claiming he met Cher.

Karl: I did!

Teri: You waved at her at a concert! Her own concert!

Karl: She waved back from the stage!

Betty: I want to go introduce myself to the mayor. I have to tell her of my admiration for her service to this country.

Jerry: Will you be able to think of a service she has performed? I can’t.

Cindy: Jerry, there’s no need to be so negative. My mother is rarely so excited, let her have this.

Jerry: She got excited because they had hollow donuts -

Betty: Beignets!

Jerry: Sorry. She was excited that they had “beignets” in the complimentary breakfast at the hotel. She gets excited all the time, I can rain on this parade.

Betty: She’s getting up! I gotta move now!

Teri: you have fun, mom! Tell her you’ve got a big ole’ crush on her!

Betty: Mayor Landfield! Mayor Landfield! Hi!

Marietta: Hello! To what do I owe the pleasure?

Betty: My name is Betty. I just wanted to let you know how much I admire you.

Marietta: I ran against a Betty once. That didn’t go well for me at all.

Betty: I follow you on the Facebook and just love seeing you rail against these damn Republicans. You tell it like it is, you always have, ever since you were in the Senate.

Marietta: I can’t take all the credit for that, I do have a great communications director.

Amy: I have heard that from many people.

Marietta: Betty, this is Amy Applewhite, my comms director. She’s got a big head and an inflated ego, but I like her just the same.

Betty: Isn’t she the one that ran against you last time for mayor?

Amy: Water under the bridge.

Marietta: For the most part.

Amy: It is fully under that bridge. Comfortably tucked away down there.

Tammy: And I am former US First Lady and Senate Majority Leader Tammy Yarborough. Nice to meet you.

Amy: Someone say something?

Marietta: Oh, yeah, that’s Tammy. Excuse her, she’s going through a needy period right now.

Betty: Hey, Tammy, you kinda look like me.

Tammy: I just have that kind of face.

Cindy: Mom! Are you coming with us to the cathedral?

Betty: Soon! Just head over without me, I’ll catch up.

Marietta: I don’t want to keep you. You want a quick picture or for me to sign something for you? I have to admit, I don’t really know how to go about this. Most of the people that stop me in public just want to yell at me.

Betty: Yeah, I got a few of those people with me. They’re just ill-informed. And, maybe we can get a selfie? I need to prove I met you.

Marietta: People wouldn’t believe you met me? I’m Marietta, I’m not Madonna.

Tammy: But wouldn’t that be something if you were? I just love Madonna!

Betty: I should get going then. I don’t want to bug you, and I have a tour to get back to, anyway.

Marietta: You’re on a tour?

Betty: Yeah, a city bus tour.

Marietta: Okay, I have an idea, and it’s crazy, but you seem like good people and I think you’d like it. I’m free on Saturday. Would you be open to getting a tour around the city from me? Maybe we could go back to my parents’ place for family dinner afterwards?

Betty: That’s great, but uh, what am I gonna do about them?

Marietta: Mom can make food for them, too. After all, what’s another fifteen people?

Betty: Only twelve of us.

Marietta: Even better!

Betty: I guess I’ll see you on Saturday, then. Thank you!

Marietta: It’s no problem! I sincerely have nothing better to do.

Cindy: Mom, are you coming?

Betty: You guys will never believe this! The mayor wants to give us a personal tour of the city and she invited us to dinner!

Teri: Is she mentally ill?

Jerry: I think I would offend people if I gave my honest response to that question.

Betty: This is going to be great, you guys. We’ll have so much fun!

Ralph: I know of no people who let loose and have more fun than politicians.

Betty: You are all a bunch of buzzkills.

Velma: You know what’s really going to kill the buzz? If we don’t hurry to this cathedral and we end up getting left behind by the bus.

Danielle: Luckily, I have enough knowledge of this city to get us back to our hotel. It’s in walking distance!

Mitchell: For who? Marathon runners?

Velma: Most people with functioning legs.

Ralph: I’m going to need a lot of booze first if we have to walk all the way home. I can’t d3al with Frank for that long without having something in me.

Frank: I didn’t say anything!

Ralph: You were thinking something, and that’s annoying enough.

Cindy: We have like the minutes until the bus leaves, why have you all seemingly resigned yourselves to the fact that we’re getting left behind?

Teri: It’s always good to be prepared for the certain reality.

That weekend…

Marietta: All right, here we are. Today, we’ve seen Bourbon Street, we’ve seen multiple cemeteries, we’ve seen a living statue, we’ve seen the abandoned Six Flags, we’ve met Vice President Dede Ducovney, and we’ve seen the house where they filmed American Horror Story. These people in this house are still somehow going to be the weirdest thing you will see all day.

Teri: Let me tell you, no matter how weird your family is, they have nothing on this group of idiots I call a family. You spend the day with them, you know.

Marietta: I have found all of you to be lovely. Even the one that keep calling me a “commie” after everything I say.

Frank: Commie!

Marietta: How charming.

Mitchell: Mayor Landfield, I’m not a resident of this city, but I do have a proposal for you. You have to reduce the amount of walking in this city. Make not more friendly for cars and less reliant on walking. This is madness.

Marietta: I will, uh… take that into consideration?

Velma: You shouldn’t.

Patty Lynn: What are y’all doing out there?

Marietta: How did you know we were here already?

Patty Lynn: Honey, there are fifteen people on my porch. I can hear it creaking, and it’s made of cement.

Ralph: Are you calling us fat?

Marietta: Bellwoods, this is my mom, Patty Lynn. Mom, this is… all of them.

Martin: Come on in! Marietta never brings home friend.

Marietta: And that man embarrassing me is my dad.

Martin: I’m embarrassing you?

Marietta: A little, yeah.

Martin: Wait until I bring out the baby pictures.

Marietta: Do you see what I was saying now?

Teri: I find this extremely entertaining.

Velma: Politicians, they’re just like us!

Betty: Hey, do you know Alicia Spanheim? She’s a friend of mine.

Marietta: We don’t all know each other, Betty.

Kathleen: Will you be introducing the rest of us?

Marietta: This is my aunt, Kathleen. She lives here with mom and dad, none of us really know why.

Kathleen: I’m just here until I get back on my feet!

Patty Lynn: She’s here until we all die. I know that as a fact.

Cindy: We know a thing or two about living with family. We all live in one house together back home in Virginia.

Marietta: Oh, no. Don’t give my mother any ideas.

Patty Lynn: I’m calling Milton tonight and proposing the idea.

Marietta: It’s a no for me, dawg.

Sarah: Will no one be introducing me? Fine, I’ll do it myself. I’m Sarah, Marietta’s niece. I’ve been abandoned by my father and stepmo-

Marietta: Her dad is on his honeymoon, and she is extremely overdramatic.

Sarah: I am not!

Patty Lynn: Sorry we don’t have more people here to meet you all today. We sort of had to tell some of our friends and family not to come since we didn’t have any room for them. And my son Milton did abandon us, Sarah is right.

Tammi: I’m beginning to see who Sarah takes after in this family.

Marietta: She has the worst qualities of all of us. It’s remarkable.

Two hours later…

Kathleen: Can I just say, Betty, you look exactly Tammy and you act exactly like Patty Lynn. It’s freaky to me.

Betty: It’s the city of voodoo, right? Maybe there’s something supernatural going on here.

Kathleen: Nah. None of that voodoo crap is actually real.

Sarah: My witch friends would beg to differ.

Teri: I have also seen American Horror Story: Coven.

Marietta: How long are y’all here for?

Karl: Another eight days.

Marietta: Well, you’ve got plenty of time to see more, then. What more do you have planned?

Mitchell: A lot of eating. We’ll eat muffulettas and gumbo and beignets and po’ boys and pralines and -

Marietta: I am aware of our local delicacies. And, yes, I recommend all of them. I’m going through some trouble right now, so, maybe tell the business owners I sent you there, okay?

Jerry: I refuse to assist in the re-election of a far-left corrupt -

Patty Lynn: Get ou-

Teri: He’s kidding! Say, Jer? Kidding!

Jerry: Um -

Cindy: You’re kidding, Jerry.

Jerry: I’m kidding!

Sarah: Hey, buddy, ya single?

Steven: Mom…

Sarah: It was just a question!

Marietta: Sarah, stop freaking out our guests.

Sarah: I just thought he was cute. Is that so wrong?

Marietta: Yes.

Kathleen: I’m sorry, I have to ask. Why’s that guy so red?

Tammi: I assume you mean my husband?

Kathleen: Sure. I suppose.

Tammi: He fell asleep on the top deck of a riverboat ride on an especially sunny day.

Kathleen: Well, he looks like a crawfish, which I guess works out.

Betty: Thank you all for welcoming us into your home and showing us around your city. This has been a heck of a day, and a heck of a trip.

Marietta: Are you going already?

Betty: We have an early day tomorrow. Gators to see and whatnot.

Marietta: Well, you have fun, and enjoy your time here. We loved having you.

Patty Lynn: Most of you are welcome to swing in any time you want! It’s been a hoot!

Marietta: Give me a call whenever you have some free time, I’ll try to make one time to see you again before you go. It’s been a joy!

Betty: Will do!

Teri: Now, let’s go before I grab another slice of that bread pudding.

What did you think of the season finale of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season premiere of Frances in the Kitchen next week!

Share this

Related Posts

Next Post »