Our House Season 5 Episode 21 - Our St. Patrick’s Day

Our House Season 5, Episode 21
Our St. Patrick's Day

Teri walks in the front door.

Teri: What a glorious day!

Velma: It’s raining outside.

Teri: But it’s St. Patrick’s Day! What a day!

Ralph: Since when do you care about St. Patrick’s Day? Are we even Irish?

Karl: I’m half-Irish, so that makes you a quarter-Irish.

Ralph: You sound like Adam Sandler in the Hanukkah song, breaking it down in percentages.

Danielle: What are we doing to celebrate the occasion? Watching the Banshees of Inisherin for family movie night?

Karl: What a movie!

Cindy: We know, dad. You screamed every time it lost at the Oscars. Every time.

Ralph: I would’ve thought someone of your age would be rooting fro Judd Hirsch, but I guess you don’t all stick together.

Teri: I don’t know about you guys, but I’ll be celebrating St. Paddy’s Day at a bar, the way it is meant to be spent.

Betty: That is such a stereotype! Not all Irish people spend their days in the bar all day.

Cindy: They did in the Banshees of Inisherin.

Frank: What is it with this movie and this family?
Teri: I’m sorry you don’t appreciate art, Frank. No surprise.

Jerry: I’ll go to the bar with you, Teri. Serena said she’s going out tonight, maybe we can meet up with.

Cindy: Ah, well if Serena said so…

Velma: I respect how much you hate her.

Cindy: I don’t hate her. I just hate whenever Jerry talks about her.

Betty: What the heck, I’ll go, too. It’s a Friday, I can let a little loose on a Friday. Maybe I’ll even stay out late, until, like, eleven thirty.

Teri: Just what everyone wants, to go out to a bar and party with their mother.

Betty: I would kill to get to party with my mother at a bar once more!

Ralph: Would that really be the one thing you’d most want to do with memmy if she were still alive?

Betty: I think it would’ve been a fun experience, yeah.

Danielle: Betty, you’re really okay missing Blue Bloods for this?

Betty: Blue Bloods isn’t on this week, it’s March Madness. I wouldn’t miss Blue Bloods for anything.

Teri: You all think she’s joking. She’s not joking. One time as a kid, I was suffering from appendicitis and she made me wait until after Magnum PI was over to take me to the hospital. The woman loves her some Tom Selleck.

Karl: She also waited to go to the hospital to give birth to you until after an episode of Magnum was over. Most stressful night of my entire life.

Betty: Yes, that sure was a thrilling episode.

Ralph: I’m just glad I was born pre-Magnum. I have a feeling that would have been my name if I wasn’t.

Velma: Danielle, you look sad.

Danielle: I was looking forward to Blue Bloods all week!

Teri: Just remember, Danielle: you can always log onto HBO Max and watch the Banshees of Inisherin to cure your blues.

Danielle: I’ve seen it. Certainly would not cheer me up. Don’t think it would cheer anyone up, actually.

Teri: Then you can just stay home and drink a Shamrock Shake.

Danielle: That would cheer me up!

Later the night…

Jerry: Did we really have to listen to U2 the whole way here?

Betty: It’s St. Patrick’s Day, Jerry!

Jerry: Doesn’t make it any less boring!

Teri: We’re here now, I don’t see any point in complaining anymore.

Jerry: I wasn’t trying to cause any problems, I was just pointing out that U2’s music is basically elevator music.

Velma: How can you say that? And on this holy day?

Jerry: I regret speaking. I regret coming. Why do I ever leave the house?

Betty: Because Frank is at the house.

Teri: Frank, Danielle and Mitchell. Now there’s a trio.

Velma: I give Danielle ten minutes before she takes a melatonin and heads to bed. Maybe five.

Ralph: Enough talking about the downers, let’s go get drunk!

Betty: No one is getting drunk!

Ralph: Mom, you’re being a real Frank right now.

Tammi: I’m surprised you decided to come tonight, and even more surprised by your excitement. You don’t usually enjoy taking part in family activities.

Ralph: This involves drinking, I think that’s cool. Also, even Steven went out for St. Patrick’s Day, I couldn’t let him have more fun than me tonight.

Tammi: He went to a school dance chaperoned by Anita. I don’t think he’ll be having any fun tonight whatsoever.

Serena: Jerry! The heck are you doing just standing around our here for?

Jerry: I did want to go into the bar, but I’ve been reprimanded enough tonight, so I didn’t feel like speaking up again and getting more of that thrown back at me.

Teri: Come on, Jer, don’t be a snowflake. Tell us how you really feel.

Jerry: Okay! I didn’t leave the house after eight o’clock just to talk in a parking lot, we’re going inside!

Teri: Attaboy! You tell us!

Inside the bar…

Karl: My god, why is everything green?

Teri: You aware of what day it is, dad?

Karl: I am, but everything is green. They dyed the beer nuts!

Teri: It is an Irish pub, after all.

Karl: I feel like I’m about to be asked if I want some Green Eggs and Ham.

Ralph: I’m sure they’ve got some.

Teri: I just want a respectable pint of Guinness, no added dye that tastes like I’m being served arsenic and old lace.

Ralph: I’d guess they have that, too.

Zeke: The line’s looking pretty long. I better order five at once just to be safe.

Cindy: You’d better not, and if you do, you sure won’t be safe then.

Zeke: I’m just pulling your leg! I can control myself around alcohol. I’m just here for the atmosphere.

Jerry: It does feel like we’re tempting fate by bringing a recovering alcoholic here. Was this the best idea?

Teri: Even alcoholics need a little fun!

Karl: Green cookies? Why do they even have cookies in a bar?

Velma: Because they’re delicious. It’s nice to get to eat a cookie without Mitchell hovering over my shoulder, ready to pounce on any dropped crumb.

Tammi: You guys have a strange marriage.

Ralph: I didn’t think anyone should take relationship advice from the person who married Frank.

Betty: Can we stop picking on each other? We’re supposed to be having fun! I’m not staying up late just to hear the same old bickering and pestering.

Cindy: I agree, we need some family unity. How about we compete in this Ireland pub trivia they’re doing?

Zeke: Trivia? On St. Patrick’s Day? That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

Cindy: Trivia can be fun!

Tammi: Mom, you’re a principal, of course you think learning is fun.

Cindy: It’s not about learning, it’s about showing off how brilliant and smart you are.

Teri: Look around you, Cindy. You really think being smarter than the people in here makes you brilliant? No, it means you aren’t braindead. Half the people in here look like Norm from Cheers and the rest of them all wish they could look that good.

Cindy: I thought we weren't supposed to be mean tonight!

Teri: To each other! Other people are fair game!

Serena: You guys seem to be having a fun time -

Teri: You don’t have to lie. You can tell this is not going well. Look how stressed out my dad is about everything being green.

Karl:  I’m not stressed, I am merely confused.

Serena: I promise you, they throw a good St. Paddy’s celebration here.

Jerry: Is it P-A-T-T-Y or P-A-D-D-Y? I never knew.

Cindy: She doesn’t know everything, Jerry, she’s just your MS friend. I’m the educator in the family, why not ask me. It’s clearly “Patty” with a T. There aren’t any Ds in Patrick.

Serena: It’s “Paddy,” with a D. “Patty” is a common misconception here in America. Most of us don’t care much about its actual spelling, since we just see it as a drinking holiday anyway.

Teri: Who would ever be so ignorant? We honor the day that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Scotland.

Ralph: Ireland.

Teri: Sorry, I’m a little drunk right now.

Ralph: On Irish beer!

Serena: Anyway, they have great karaoke here. I think you guys can have a lot of fun with it.

Jerry: Oh, great, more U2.

Teri: Well, I’m not allowed to sing because I “sound very bad” and “make Bob Dylan sound like Whitney Houston in comparison,“ so I’ll have to find another avenue of entertainment. Mom, would you l-

Karl: No!

Teri: I didn’t even say anything yet!

Karl: It’ll be nothing good.

Cindy: I’m sort of intrigued ton see where this goes. There’s always some sort of nonsensical idea running through her head, it’s why she votes Democrat.

Teri: Mom, I’m challenging you to a drinking contest. Whoever chugs more beers in ten minutes wins.

Karl: No!

Betty: Honey! Let me live a little!

Karl: I’m afraid if you do this, you won’t be living at all anymore.

Betty: In the words of Irish icon Sheryl Crow -

Ralph: Not Irish.

Betty: All I wanna do is have some fun! I will take you up on that challenge.

Tammi: All right, you tow embarrass yourselves. The rest of us are doing Irish karaoke.

Ralph: Whatever that’s supposed to be.

Fifteen minutes later…

Ralph (singing): The boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay, and the bells were ringin’ out for Christmas Day!

Velma: Time!

Betty: That was ten minutes? Already?

Velma: Cindy, how did Teri do?

Cindy: Eight beers!

Teri: Woo-hoo! New personal best!

Velma: Jerry, how many for Betty?

Jerry: I don’t know, she still hasn’t handed me her first bottle. Looks to me like about a quarter?

Cindy: Mom, I never knew you were such a lightweight! How did you raise the three of us?

Teri: I am NOT a drunk like you two. I am just very competitive.

Cindy: Yeah, sure.

Betty: You know, I’m really much more of a wine drinker.

Ralph: I can not believe I went up there and sang my heart out and none of you paid any attention.

Karl: I paid attention!

Tammi: Me, too. That was a lovely Christmas song, uncle Ralph. Really captured the essence of St. Patrick’s Day.

Teri: Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. Really, you went with Fairytale of New York?

Ralph: It was the only Irish song I knew.

Serena: I do give him credit for picking an Irish song. Not everyone did.

Teri: Velma!

Velma: You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me is my go-to karaoke song, and I’m not about to shake things up now. It was also my wedding song with Mitchell, actually.

Teri: That explains so much.

Ralph: Dusty Springfield is British, not Irish! The Brits and the Irish have sort of a rivalry, no?

Velma: I’m not debating geopolitical rivalries with you in a pub after 10 PM on St. Patrick’s Day, Ralph.

Betty: I’m starting to feel a little lightheaded. I may need to lie down.

Teri: After drinking a quarter of a beer?

Betty: It was a very strong beer!

Ralph: It’s Guinness! I don’t even know if they put any alcohol in Guinness! No disrespect to the Irish intended.

Karl: You guys have to remember, she’s out past her curfew. She’d usually be wrapped up in a blanket on a couch right now, watching TV.

Betty: I’ve pushed myself too hard, it’s far too late!

Tammi: It is 10:04 PM.

Betty: Exactly! Who goes out at such an hour?

Teri: Mom, will you wake yourself up if I agree to sing a duet with you?

Velma: You know she’s drunk if she’s offering that up

Betty: You’d do that?

Ralph: Aww, that’s sweet. She’s trying to clear the place out for us! We don’t need the bar all to ourselves, Teri. You don’t need to humiliate yourself like this.

Cindy: She isn’t that bad, Ralph.

Ralph: You wanna see her and mom sing Enya?

Cindy: I’ve never wanted to see anyone sing Enya.

Ralph: Well, get ready.

The next morning…

Ralph: Wow, that was a crazy night.

Velma: My favorite part, I must say, is when those Irish men threw that lettuce dressed up as Liz Truss straight into the fireplace. I'm not Irish, but I still felt Irish pride witnessing that.

Ralph: They should've thrown a potato dressed like Thatcher in instead. Truss is an easy target, Maggie's the real menace.

Cindy: I can’t believe mom’s still in bed.

Jerry: She can use the sleep. She didn’t get to bed until damn near midnight after that wild night at the bar.

Danielle: Did she really get in a fight with a leprechaun?

Jerry: No. She called the bartender a leprechaun after getting drunk off a half pint of Guinness and she swung at him for trying to steal her “pot of gold.”

Ralph: She drank another half-pint eventually? Wow, good for her.

Danielle: I hesitate to ask, but what is he “pot of gold?”

Jerry: Her purse. He was nowhere near it, but she was certain he was after it. If it didn’t really in all of us being kicked out, it would have been extremely entertaining.

Steven: You still had a better night than I did. Anita kept yelling at Alysa and I to “make room for Jesus” all night. She got in trouble for making religious references and then we had to leave early and got yelled at by her the whole way home.

Frank: I commend her for taking a stand, the anti-Christian bias in schools is far too much.

Steven: She didn’t take a stand, she took a swing. At the principal.

Cindy: Wow, mom and Anita are even more alike than we ever previously knew.

Betty: Don’t you dare say that! Not without me even there to defend myself!

Ralph: Sleeping Beauty has risen!

Jerry (in Irish accent): Care for some Lucky Charms?

Betty: Oh, god, did that actually happen? I thought that was a dream.

Ralph: Sure did happen!

Tammi: I got it on camera!

Teri: Oh my god! It’s Saturday!

Ralph: Yes, that’s the day that comes after Friday.

Teri: I have to work today! I was supposed to start ten minutes ago!

Ralph: You could just say you’re sick. You look the part.

Teri: I have a hangover.

Ralph: Hard to tell.

Danielle: Did you really drink that much?

Teri: I seem to recall a drinking contest.

Cindy: One you proposed, and won handily.

Teri: I don’t half-ass anything. Not the point, though. My district manager is coming in, what sort of impression will this leave on him?

Betty: Oh my god, I just remembered the boutique! Who is running it?

Cindy: Dad and Mitchell.

Velma: I got a ton of enjoyment out of telling Mitchell he should head down with Karl to cover for you. He looked completely chattered, I loved it.

Danielle: Are you an actual psychopath?

Teri: Hello! I am in crisis here! What am I going to do about work? How do I explain to my district manager, who expects me to be there, that I overslept due to a hangover?

Ralph: You don’t. You call in, say you’ve been in bed all morning because you have a stomach bug, and apologize for the inconvenience.

Teri: You want me to lie?

Ralph: Don’t turn into Cindy all the sudden!

Cindy: I take that as a compliment.

Betty: Have some coffee. Sobered me right up. Maybe you’ll even feel well enough to go into work, just tell them you had a headache.

Jerry: Yes! It sobered her up after she drank two ounces of beer, it’ll work on you like a charm!

Teri: I guess I can lie. I owe it to myself as a St. Patrick’s Day treat.

Betty: Ignoring my advice, no surprise there.

Teri: Do you not have leprechauns to chase?

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season finale next week!

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