Frank: Family meeting!
Betty: Over my dead body!
Frank: Am I not allowed to call meetings?
Betty: You know you’re not.
Frank: I’m party of the family.
Betty: Why must you remind me?
Tammi: Family meeting!
Betty: Dammit!
Teri: Think positive, mom. Maybe they’re announcing their divorce.
Tammi: How would that be positive?
Teri: This may be news too you, but we’re not the biggest fans of your husband.
Frank: We’re all aware. The whole state is aware.
Cindy: Honey, get on with the meeting. We’re all here.
Velma: Mitchell’s not here. So, yeah, all here.
Jerry: Steven’s not here either!
Tammi: Oh, that’s all right, I don’t want him here for this, anyway.
Jerry: That’s a bit harsh, no?
Tammi: All right, everyone. Frank and I wanted everyone’s thoughts on an idea we had.
Betty: Frank had it? It’s a no from me!
Frank: Tammi had it, I just agreed with her.
Betty: You’re just saying that.
Tammi: I want to build a treehouse in the backyard for Steven.
Teri: You want to build a treehouse in our yard for your fifteen year-old son? This is a Frank idea, who are you trying to kid?
Tammi: No, it was all me! I think this could be good for Steven and good for all of us.
Jerry: Don’t you think he would’ve rather had this ten years ago, when he was a child, and not now, when he’s almost an adult?
Tammi: He is still a child! He is my child!
Jerry: He is nearly old enough to drive.
Teri (singing): Red lights, stop signs!
Danielle: Teri, you’re embarrassing yourself.
Teri: Do you not like my singing?
Danielle: I think Skittles Girl is going to send you a cease and desist.
Teri: Skittles Girl?
Danielle: Aren’t those Skittles on her face on the album cover?
Teri: It you mean Olivia Rodrigo’s award-winning, record-breaking debut album Sour, those are stickers on her face, not Skittles.
Jerry: I have lost all remaining braincells listening to this convers-
Velma: Then which one is Dua Lipa?
Teri: She’s the o-
Jerry: I stand corrected. I had a few braincells left. It was Velma who finished them off.
Velma: I asked a simple question!
Tammi: Can I get back to my thing?
Cindy: Yes, please. We’re begging.
Tammi: Look, everyone, I know it’s unconventional to build a treehouse for a fifteen year-old, but this is something he asked for years ago, and we could never do it before. Now, I see his childhood slipping away. He has a girlfriend, he’s about to start driving, he’s got a part-time job. I want to do this before it’s too late, and all the child-like wonder is drained from him.
Teri: It’s hard to believe there’s any wonder left in there, being a part of this family and all.
Tammi: Do I have everyone’s permission to do this? It is our shared yard, after all.
Jerry: I don’t see why not
Tammi: Okay, good! I was thinking you, Frank and grandpa could get to work on it.
Karl: How did I get pulled into this? I haven’t spoken.
Tammi: You’re just always so helpful!
Teri: You are helpful, dad.
Karl: Gee, thanks.
Two weeks later…
Tammi: Steven, we have a big surprise for you!
Steven: I don’t know if it’s as much of a surprise as you think it is.
Tammi: Were you snooping?
Steven: Um… no. Let’s just do this “surprise.”
Tammi: Okay! You’re gonna love it!
Steven: I’m sure.
Tammi: It’s right in the backyard.
Teri: It is truly impossible to guess what this is. Unless you’ve looked out the back window in the last few weeks, that is.
Tammi: Don’t ruin it!
Teri: Honey, the governor knows what we put up back there.
Tammi: Let me pretend it’s still a surprise, at least.
Steven: Okay, put that blindfold on me that you have in your hand.
Tammi: It’s not a surprise, I’m not going to bother.
Steven: No, you look defeated. Put the blindfold on. Shock me!
Tammi: If you insist.
In the backyard…
Tammi: Steven, your dad, grandfather, and great-grandfather worked tirelessly on this for you -
Zeke: And his uncle!
Tami: And your uncle…
Jerry: For two days!
Zeke: I was working every other day! I work hard!
Jerry: So do I!
Steven: I’m blindfolded out here, can you stop arguing until I get this off my face?
Jerry: Yes, I’ll table it for now, although my honor does need to be defended.
Tammi: Honey, we wanted to give you something we know you’ve wanted for years. The entire family was so thrilled when I brought the idea up -
Mitchell: I was never consulted.
Tammi: We had a family meeting about it and everything!
Mitchell: I remember none of that.
Velma: You were in bed.
Mitchell: Why wasn’t I woken up?
Velma: I didn’t feel like it.
Tammi: We really hope that you enjoy this, we know how much you’ve always wanted it. You can take that blindfold off now.
Steven: Wow! The treehouse I wanted when I was five. I can’t believe it!
Danielle: He must not be very observant if he’s shocked about it.
Teri: He’s just humoring her. He knew this was out here.
Betty: I told you we should have put a tarp over it.
Teri: Yes, that wouldn’t have been at all suspicious.
Tammi: Do you love it?
Frank: You better!
Steven: Most people my age don’t hang out in treehouses.
Teri: This was all your dad’s idea. I had nothing to do with it.
Steven: I appreciate all the work you put in. I’m going to use it.
Teri: You know, Velma and I watch a lot of HGTV, so we did the interior decorating.
Steven: Didn’t you just say you had nothing to do with it?
Teri: That was an attempt at damage control. I really didn’t think you would like it.
Tammi: I appreciate the faith you have in me.
Jerry: Kid, are you going to go up in thee treehouse and check it or or what?
Steven: Only if grandma Betty does!
Betty: Me? Climbing up to a treehouse? Well, it’s always a good time to try something new. Let’s go!
Cindy: Mom, please don’t die.
Betty: I’m not gonna di-
Cindy: Your foot already just slipped!
Betty: I’m fine.
Velma: Mitchell, stand under her. She needs a cushion if she falls.
Mitchell: Wouldn’t that hurt me?
Velma: Added bonus.
Three days later…
Karl: Tammi, honey, you got mail.
Tammi: Good mail or bad mail?
Karl: Tossup, but leaning towards bad.
Tammi: Who is it from?
Karl: The HOA.
Tammi: I can safely say it’s bad.
Karl: They are a pain in the ass, aren’t they?
Teri: Dad! Since when too you curse?
Karl: Oh, I curse.
Tammi: What the fu-
Teri: I rarely hear you say that word, that’s for sure.
Karl: What the funk. There, said it.
Teri: Sure you did.
Betty: What’s going on out here?
Tammi: The HOA says the treehouse is in violation of their bylaws and we have to take it down.
Betty: That’s certainly not happening. That’s my new favorite place to hang.
Teri: Since when do you “hang?”
Betty: I’m a very chill person. Steven and I love to hang up there.
Tammi: Anyway, it says we can appeal it at the next HOA meeting if we so desire. Do we desire?
Betty: I’d rather just leave it up. What are they going to do about it?
Tammi: Heavily fine us?
Betty: All right, I’ve been swayed. Let’s fight for this thing. Anita won’t know what hit her.
Cindy: Mom, please don’t hit Anita. We can’t bail you out of jail. Not again.
Betty: I didn’t go to jail last time, the officer just brought me in because my car was “unsafe to drive.”
Cindy: Why’d we have to pay money, then?
Betty :That police station is crooked.
Three days later…
Anita: All right, gang. It’s been a very productive meeting, I’m going to open it up to the floor now for any concerns and questions.
Tammi: I have one!
Anita: Ah, the Bellwoods! You always brighten up our meetings. What’s the concern today?
Tammi: We constructed a treehouse in our backyard - on our own tree - for my son. It is safe, it is well-constructed, and it is fully within the parameters of our yard. Yet, I’ve been instructed to take it down for some sort of violation. Do you guys hate fun? Are you the fun police?
Anita: I can’t answer for the entire board, but I certainly don’t hate fun. I do, however, strictly adhere to our bylaws. Sadly, your treehouse is in violation of them. It’s placed too high and is considered a safety risk. You are free to make your case as to why it’s not, but that is the reason for the violation.
Tammi: This doesn't harm anybody. So it’s a few feet above the the regulated maximum height - does that matter? This treehouse is only intended to bring joy and fun to our lives. Maybe it’s okay to violate the rules somewhat for the good of people.
Betty: I also think it’s worth mentioning, too, that this is on our own private property. It’s not in a park, it’s not on any public space. Why should you get to tell us what to do on our private land? Who do you think you are, the Supreme Court?
Anita: No, we’re actually elected and serve terms.
Tammi: You’re all fully unmoved?
Anita: I sympathize with you, I do. I don’t like disappointing my child. However, the rules are the rules for a reason. I’ve not heard anything today that changes my mind on this. I will, however, give you the benefit of ordering a new vote from the board. Your dedication is clear, and it’s the least we can do. All in favor of ordering the structure be removed, say aye. All opposed? The ayes have it, eight to four. Sorry.
Tammi: I know you enjoy this.
Anita: I really do not.
Tammi: Devil woman.
Betty: There’s the spirit, Cliff Richard! She’s just a devil woman, with evil on her mind!
One hour later, at home…
Tammi: All that time and effort for nothing!
Cindy: I take it things didn’t go well?
Tammi: Apparently we didn’t present a valid-sounding reason to “violate” their BS building code. The treehouse is too high. Of course it’s high, it’s in a damn tree!
Jerry: I would just like to point out that Frank was the one who wanted us to go up that high.
Frank: It’s not even as high as I wanted it to go!
Jerry: Exactly. Imagine if we’d listened to you. Anita would’ve come down here with a chainsaw and took it down herself.
Betty: I would’ve cut her down with a chainsaw if she even thought of it!
Velma: What’s the game plan here, then? Are you really going to take it down after all that work?
Tammi: I guess so, yeah. I really don’t feel like getting a fine from those crazy people.
Teri: What if you just take it down in one piece and set it on the ground for him? He still gets his own man cave of sorts, but now it’s reminiscent of one of those little plastic backyard houses pre-schoolers play with.
Tammi: That won’t work. I’ll just have to give up on it. Maybe we can build a fire pit to get rid of all the wood.
Frank: I like burning things.
Teri: I knew something was off about you, pyro!
The next day…
Alysa: I heard about the HOA meeting from my mom. How’s your mom been taking it?
Steven: She’s not happy. This was something she really wanted to do for me. It was really mostly for her, but she thought it was for me. I feel bad for her.
Alysa: Yeah, why did your mom build a treehouse for a fifteen year old, anyway?
Steven: It’s something I wanted as a kid. You know, ten years ago. I think it’s sweet, though. It means a lot to her, too. I overheard her talking about how she wants me to enjoy my last few years of “childhood” because I’m growing up too fast. I think this is her way of trying to recapture my youth.
Alysa: Aww, that’s so manipulative. It’s adorable. If only she knew about how much we were up there kissing.
Steven: What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
Alysa: Seems to me she’s hurting enough.
Steven: Yes, she’s so broken up about it. Dad’s the one that should be most sad, he’s the one that has to actually rip it down.
Alysa: This really means a lot to you, doesn’t it?
Steven: I hate seeing her mope like this. She just seems so defeated. Maybe it was later than I’d hoped, but she finally did something she knew I really wanted and it’s going to be gone within a week of its completion.
Alysa: Well, since I love you -
Steven: You love me?
Alysa: Have I not said that before?
Steven: No!
Alysa: Oops. Well, I do.
Steven: I love you, too.
Alysa: You better.
Steven: What were we talking about?
Alysa: Your treehouse.
Steven: Right! Sad that’s going.
Alysa: I’m going to talk to my mom about it. I don’t like to chime in on her HOA stuff because she’s so annoying, but I’ll make an exception for you.
Steven: Will she listen? She’s very stubborn, and hates my family.
Alysa: She’s stubborn, and she hates your grandmother, but she listens to me. I can sway her, I think.
Steven: She’s not the only one you need to convince. Mom said eight members of the board voted against the treehouse.
Alysa: Are you kidding? Those are all her cronies, they’ll do whatever she says.
Steven: Thank you! You’re awesome.
Alysa: I’m aware.
Steven: Mom really needs this.
Alysa: Yeah, I need it, too. I need somewhere to hide away from the rest of your family when I’m over. They’re… a lot.
Steven: Yeah, they are.
The next day…
Frank: Who is at the door? Did Zeke forget his key again?
Cindy: Amelia should have one.
Frank:Then who is it?
Velma: I ordered something from Amazon, it’s supposed to be here today.
Teri: Can’t be them. They’re never on time.
Velma: That is very true.
Karl: Is anyone going to get the door, or should I?
Tammi: I’ll get it.
Karl: Thank you, I’m cutting onions.
Cindy: I told you you didn’t have to do that, dad.
Karl: Yeah, but then your mother might do it, and I don’t need her cutting her finger off again like she’s one of the Banshees of Inisherin.
Danielle: I was t he one who cut my finger off, and it was only the tip.
Betty: No, this was a different time. I cut it right down to the bone, it was very bad. Even worse, I ruined my chili!
Cindy: Yes, that was the worst thing to happen that day.
Tammi opens the door.
Tammi: It’s coming down tomorrow, Anita. Stop rubbing it in.
Anita: Okay, here’s the deal. I still think that is an abomination that has no place in our neighborhood. However, my daughter does not, and I love my daughter, and I do’t love when she whines, and she will continue whining if I don’t let you keep it. So, it can stay.
Tammi: What about the HOA board?
Anita: They obey my every command. No problems there.
Tammi: Well, Anita, we have our problems, but thank you. I appreciate you being reasonable about this.
Anita: If I listened solely to reason, I’d cut that thing down myself. This is an emotionally-based decision, and I feel bad enough about it already without you telling me it’s “reasonable.”
Tammi: Well, always nice talking to you, Anita! Have a nice night!
Anita: I got your mail, too.
Tammi: Why?
Anita: Had to get something from it. A letter. It’s no longer relvant.
Tammi: You are unbelievable.
Anita: I know, thank you.
Betty: What was that creature doing on my patio?
Tammi: The treehouse will get to stay. Not quite sure how yet, but Anita gave in.
Betty: She’ll never hear the end of this one!
Tammi: Please, don’t try to provoke her. I’m tired of fighting her.
Teri: Just pour water on her next time.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
