Milton and Moira are at their hotel on their honeymoon.
Milton: So, you wanna go again?
Moira: No, honey, I really don’t think I can. I think five trips down the water slide is really enough.
Milton: Oh, come on! This is our honeymoon! No amount of trips down the waterslide at the hotel pool is too much. These are the best days of our lives!
Moira: Can I be honest with you?
Milton: I really don’t want to start this marriage out with a lie, so, go ahead.
Moira: We’re in Hawaii, I would like to get to actually see it rather than just spending time at the hotel waterpark.
Milton: I just thought we could spend the day here since we’re so exhausted and jet-lagged from all that travel yesterday.
Moira: I don-
Milton: Also, were you planning to leave me here in the pool alone and go out somewhere by yourself?
Moira: I would never do that! Just as I don’t want to waste any of the trip myself, I don’t want you to waste it either. I want us to experience all that this please has to offer, because let’s face it, we’re not cut out for traveling that long. This was a one-time special event.
Milton: Never say never. I’m in a whole new stage of my life now, maybe I’ll get more adventurous.
Moira: No, you won’t. It’s what I love about you, you are what you are and you don’t try to change that. We aren’t travelers.
Milton: Once I’m out of the senate, maybe I’ll be more up to it. The novelty of travel tends to wear off when you’re spending two day a week in an airport every week.
Moira: That reminds me, we haven’t really figured out our living situation. Am I supposed to always fly up top DC with you now that we’re married? Like you said, flying so much gets tiring after a while, and I do have city council duties to tend to.
Milton: I think this may not be the ideal location for this conversation to take place.
Moira: What, you don’t love having important conversations in a waterpark?
Milton: I tend to prefer not making life-changing decisions while in a pool of other peoples’ urine.
Moira: I’ll tell you what: we won’t talk about this on the honeymoon at all. This will all be dedicated to fun, heavy life conversations can happen when we get back.
Milton: That sounds like a plan to me.
Moira: All right, let’s go get changed and find something to do. Surely there’s something to see at 1 PM on a Sunday on this island.
Milton: I was thinking I could just wear this. This is my business suit, after all.
Moira: You’re an idiot. I love you.
Later that day…
Moira: Wow, Milt, look at this.
Milton: It’s… very Polynesian! And super cultural.
Moira: You ain’t enjoying this luau?
Milton: I’ve stayed at Disney’s Polynesian Resort, it’s not new to me.
Moira: This is authentic, that’s, uh, cultural appropriation, as Sarah would say.
Milton: All right, I will try to enjoy it. It’s just not as fun as a waterslide, you know?
Moira: You’re thinking about the waterslide right now?
Milton: Well, the waterslide and the fact that I want to watch Moana when we get back to the hotel.
Moira: You’d rather watch Moana than watch this?
Milton: Than what? Where are you pointing?
Moira: At myself.
Milton: Moana can wait.
Moira: You only get it if you enjoy yourself here today. We’re going on a boat ride, I better see you have the time of your life.
Milton: If I must, it will happen. I will enjoy this more than I’ve ever enjoyed anything.
Moira: There’s the spirit! It’s gonna be a good day!
Milton’s phone rings.
Milton: Wow, who’s calling at this time of night?
Moira: Honey, it’s three o’clock.
Milton: Everyone we know is a good five hours ahead of us.
Moira: Do you think eight o’clock is late?
Milton: A little, yeah.
Moira: I don’t necessarily disagree, actually. God, we’re old.
Milton: This is what they call a “December/December marriage.”
Moira: Wow, we’re not even September/September?
Milton: We can work our way there by staying up past ten tonight. Otherwise, we are true geriatrics.
Moira: I’m just tired from the plane ride, that’s not my fault. I stay up past ten any other time!
Milton: You don’t have to lie. There’s no crime in going to bed early. Now, the waking up at four in the morning…
Moira: Are you going to answer that?
Milton: If I must.
Milton answers his phone.
Milton: This better be an emergency. Sarah better have done something terrible this time.
Marietta: Hello to you, too, my beloved brother!
Milton: I’m on my honeymoon, sis. What are you calling for?
Moira: Is that Marietta? Tell her I said hello!
Milton: Moira says you need to hang up now.
Marietta: Don’t lie! I know my new sister is thrilled to be hearing from me!
Milton: I’m hearing so much talking and yet I haven’t heard any reasoning for why you called!
Marietta: Is it so wrong for a sister to love her brother and just want to see how he’s doing?
Milton: I’m doing well. Is that the only reason you called?
Marietta: I wanted to hear how the honeymoon’s going! I never really got to go on one myself, so I figured I can at least live vicariously through you.
Milton: Well, it’s the first day of the trip, so it’s hard to really say. It’s very nice so far, though. We went on a boat ride and Moira made us attend a luau at a Polynesian Cultural Center. Not sure how cool the place is, though, because I’m getting calls from some idiot and it’s interrupting it. How’s your day been?
Marietta: Me and the girls just got done campaigning for the day, now we’re at dinner.
Milton: Where is Sarah in all of this?
Marietta: Ah, you know, waiting for me at mom and dad’s. She’s a good sport about it, she loves getting all that time with her grandparents.
Milton: I don’t think anyone loves spending that much time with mom. She’s a lot.
Marietta: Aunt Kathleen sure does.
Milton: That poor woman. So, while I have you, how is the campaigning going?
Marietta: Oh, so now that my shrimp appetizer is here, you wanna talk? Typical.
Milton: I could let you go if you want and just text you later.
Marietta: No, it’s fine, I need to talk to someone somewhat normal today, it’s been a wacky day. Amy almost punched one of Egerton’s volunteers.
Amy: That is a lie, I just talk with my hands.
Henrietta: You were talking very aggressively at his head, then.
Amy: He was spreading lies, I didn’t want to hear it, I told him that. Marietta can thank me when my enthusiasm clutches her that second term.
Tammy: Marietta will be thankful if that incident doesn’t land on the local news.
Milton: Glad it’s going well.
Marietta: Sometimes I forget how awful campaigning is. Why did we evert choose to do this for a living?
Milton: Because we have no discernible skills, and TikTok wasn’t around when we were kids.
Henrietta: TikTok is great! It takes talent to do those dances! I could never do those!
Tammy: Just move your arms about like you’re having a seizure. You’re eighty percent there.
Amy: Since when do you know what TikTok is?
Tammy: I was told you were making videos on there for the campaign. I had to go on there to see you embarrassing yourself.
Milton: Okay, I should go. You guys have fun with the campaign.
Marietta: You have fun with the honeymoon! Don’t get too crazy, I’m not raising another one of your children!
Milton: Dear heavens.
Marietta: I’m just messing with you! If you and Moira are somehow able to procreate at your ages, then I’ll make time in my day to raise it. You have my word.
Milton: Goodbye, Marietta.
The next day…
Moira: My god! Look at these volcanoes! They are gorgeous!
Milton: They’re nothing compared to you, sweetie!
Moira: Don’t insult our nations’ greatest natural wonders just to compliment me. I know I can’t stack up to Hawaii Volcanoes National Park. I accept it. You don’t, either. I still love you.
Milton: Ignoring that last statement for now, I’d rather look at you than these volcanoes any day. That’s how much I love you.
Moira: That’s sweet. I don’t know if I feel the same way, but it’s sweet.
Milton: All right, now you’re just trying to get a rise out of me.
Moira: I think a strong marriage is rooted in truth. I will always tell you the truth.
Milton: I can’t believe I’m jealous of volcanoes now.
Moira: Don’t worry, honey, the volcanoes don’t erupt nearly as often as you do.
Milton’s phone started ringing.
Moira: Who is that?
Milton: My mother. Just who I want ton talk to after my wife makes a joke about… that.
Moira: We’re on our honeymoon, we ain’t just joking about it!
Milton: Maybe she’ll move on if I ignore the call.
Moira: We both know she won’t. Best to pick up now before too many people realize your ringtone is the song from the Wednesday dance scene.
Milton: I was trying to pick Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, I ended up with Goo Goo Muck. I’m not wasting my two dollars.
Moira: That isn’t better. Now, answer it.
Milton: Whatever you say, dearest love of my life.
Milton answers the phone.
Patty Lynn: How are you? You took so long to answer! Are you in the middle of something?
Milton: Just a little. I can make time for you. I made time for Marietta yesterday, after all.
Patty Lynn: Do you know when she picked Sarah up yesterday? Ten o’clock!
Sarah: Grandma sent me to bed! I just fell asleep when aunt Marietta walked in and dragged me home!
Milton: That sounds traumatic, but I can relate. I lived with them for many years, IO know how much they can torture you. They won’t always be so crazy.
Patty Lynn: I’m still on the line!
Milton: You need to hear it sometimes.
Kathleen: Doesn’t help.
Patty Lynn: So what are you two up to? I want all the details, except the inappropriate stuff.
Milton: We saw many pretty things, it’s beautiful. Look up “Hawaii” on Google to see for yourself. Okay, gotta go!
Patty Lynn: Someone’s in a hurry!
Kathleen: I bet him and Moira are -
Patty Lynn: Lalalalalala I can’t hear you!
Kathleen: At lunch. I was going to say that they’re at lunch.
Patty Lynn: At five o’clock?
Milton: While you’re on Google, look up time zones. Bye, mom!
Milton hangs up.
Moira: That was a little harsh, don’t you think?
Milton: Just because I couldn’t wait to get off the phone and live in this moment with you.
Young woman: Aww, honey, I hope we’re this happy together when we’re as old as they are.
Moira: My god, married three days and we’re already seen as an old married couple.
Milton: I don’t mind being seen as old as long as I get to be married to you.
Moira: How corny! But also sweet.
Milton: That’s me!
The next day…
Moira: Sex on the beach?
Milton: I don’t know, honey, this is a family beach. THere’s kids building sandcastles right over there. Pretty risky.
Moira: I meant do you want a cocktail! God!
Milton: Oh. I prefer a pina colada.
Moira: Guess I’ll drink both of these, then. It is my honeymoon after all, I get to live a little.
Milton: I’ve never seen you drunk before. That could be a fun honeymoon experience.
Moira: I don’t get drunk. I get fun.
Milton’s phone starts ringing.
Moira: Let it ring this time. I’m tired of this.
Milton: I can’t, it might be important.
Moira: If it’s your family, we’ve already established that it is not important.
Milton: It’s Kate.
Moira: She’s just calling for the full honeymoon rundown, and let me tell you, future rundowns will get a lot worse every time someone calls you and interrupts. I’ve about had it.
Milton: You made me pick up the call from my mom! I wanted to ignore it!
Moira: We both know damn well that she would have just kept on calling if you hadn’t picked that one up. Kate’s not so annoyingly persistent, she’ll give it up. Just turn the ringer off and let’s go for a swim.
Milton: Okay, I’ll do that. No more distractions. We are here for Hawaii, not for phone calls. You have my undivided attention.
Moira: You don’t seem fully convinced, but that’s the spirit, at least.
Milton: Trust me, there is nothing I’d rather do than ignore my responsibilities and enjoy the beautiful beaches of Hawaii with my wife.
Ten minutes later…
Milton: You know what? I think I forgot to put sunscreen on. I don’t want to burn up, I’ll be right back.
Moira: Do you need me to help you put it on?
Milton: No, I can do it myself. You keep having your fun.
Moira: All right, but when your back is sunburnt tonight, remember that I offered!
Milton walks back to his beach towel, pulls out his phone, and calls Kate.
Kate: Milton! My god, I was starting to think you were dead! I called six times!
Milton: I’m on my honeymoon, Kate, I was a little busy.
Kate: Oh, no. Was I calling during… you know what? Is this a post-sex call?
Milton: No! We’re at the beach. We’re in Hawaii, remember?
Kate: Honestly, my brain is not focused on anything besides the one pressing matter that I called about.
Milton: I knew you weren’t just calling to call like my idiot family.
Kate: No, I’m not. we’ve had a big breakthrough in the healthcare bill. Marley and Ferrera Donahue have been working hard on it with us and we’ve got eight Republicans on board with it, including both of the Mainers. I’m trying to get all of the Democrats here to vote on it A.S.A.P. before it falls apart. It’s a very fragile supermajority, but it’s there as long as everyone in our party supports it.
Milton: Is Sullivan on board?
Kate: She says so.
Milton: Wow, you really wrote in a provision to create healthcare for fairies and wizards? The things we do to get things passed.
Kate: I feel terrible asking this, but I need you to come back to DC and vote on this. It’s all hands on deck right now.
Milton: This can’t wait a week? It’s that fragile?
Kate: I’m not giving them any time to turn. I don’t even want to give them any time to listen o Turn! Turn! Turn! by The Byrds out of fear it’s affect their subconscious! This has to b e secured now.
Milton: What about the House? A two-thirds Senate vote doesn’t mean much if we don’t have the House.
Kate: Nanette has the votes there, and I have never doubted her when she’s said that.
Milton: I can’t start my marriage by abandoning my wife in Hawaii, Kate.
Kate: I get it, I know what you’re feeling. However, you signed up for public service. This is the time to serve the public. We have to put the people above ourselves right now. This will help people.
Milton: How about this: I’m not coming back until you have confirmation from all sixty-six other “yes” votes that they will be there on Friday for the vote.
Kate: I’ll try, okay? I’m going to make sure they’re all here for Friday for the vote and I’ll let you know.
Milton: How and I going to tell Moira about this?
Kate: She’ll understand. She may try to drown you first, but she’ll understand. She cares about people.
Milton: That’s easy for you to say, you don’t have to see the sad look on her face when I tell her I have to leave.
Kate: She’s in Hawaii, that should be a nice consolation prize.
One hour later…
Moira: Oh my god, I thought you turned the ringer off! What’s it doing back on? And why is Ellie calling you now?
Milton: So about that…
Moira: I knew you were gone too long to be putting on sunscreen!
Milton: It was eating me up. I thought something was wrong. I was right!
Moira: Whatever’s going on with Kate and Ellie ain’t the only thing wrong here.
Milton: They worked out a deal on a healthcare bill that has the votes to pass, apparently. It needs to be voted on immediately so no one flips.
Moira: I guess, since that’s more important than our honeymoon, you should pick up the phone.
Milton: Thank you! I love you!
Moira: Yeah.
Milton answers his phone.
Ellie: Landfield, get your ass here now!
Milton: Hello, my trusted colleague and dear friend.
Ellie: Kate told me you were apprehensive about flying in to vote on the healthcare bill. Well. I’m the majority whip, and it’s time for me to whip your ass back to DC.
Milton: That was extremely aggressive.
Ellie: I’ve been burning the midnight oil for two weeks straight working on this damn bill, and also watching the World Figure Skating Championships. I lose five hundred bucks betting on Isabeau Levito to land on the podium but I am not losing this vote.
Milton: You were at my wedding less than a week ago.
Ellie: What, a girl can’t take a day off from working with America’s most annoying moderates to let loose a little? Milton, I have gotten eight hours sleep in the entire month of March, I am operating on Dunkin’ Donuts and Cookie Dough Bites. You can fly back and vote, got me?
Milton: Maybe you need a nap?
Ellie: I will enter a week-long hibernation immediately after this bill is passed.
Milton: Everyone else is coming in to vote?
Ellie: Do you think I’m unable to count? Yes, I have the other votes all coming in. This is a done deal if it’s done this week.
Milton: All of them? You’re 100% sure.
Ellie: Look, I will name the bill after you if it gets you to come in.
Milton: But, Moira -
Ellie: I’ll name it after her! Just be here!
Milton: I have to leave my honeymoon in Hawaii for this, three days in. How do I do that to her?
Ellie: Just fly back in after the vote. I don’t think that’s too difficult, right?
Milton: It’ll be Saturday. I’ll get back in time to fly back home on Sunday.
Ellie: Extend your trip, then. Anything so I don’t have to hear a guilt trip from you and I can still get your vote.
Milton: This hotel has no vacancy.
Ellie: You know what? I am very influential. I’ll call your hotel, I will make this work. You will be getting another full week in paradise. You’re welcome!
Milton: You sure you can pull that off?
Ellie: I’m good, Milton. I got this.
Milton: I guess I’ll see you on Friday, then.
Ellie: You better. Or else one of us is dead.
Milton hangs up.
Moira: You’re going?
Milton: I’m going tomorrow, but I’ll be back. Okay, we’re getting a do-ever week. You stay here, I’ll be back early Saturday, we get another chance at this. No interruptions this time.
Moira: You really think your mom will be okay with that?
Milton: I don’t think I care.
Moira: Honey, I’m sorry. I freaked out and I shouldn’t have. You have an important job and it’s gotta come first.
Milton: I appreciate that, but I’m the I one who allowed myself to ruin this trip. It’s our honeymoon, I should only be focused on you.
Moira: We get a do-over week, so let’s not dwell on it. Let’s live in the moment now.
Milton: Okay, but can I confess one more thing?
Moira: I’m scared, but sure.
Milton: I never put that sunscreen on and my legs are feeling very red right now.
Moira: I told you so!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
