Frances gets out of her car and is stopped by Jane.
Jane: Frances! I beat you here!
Frances: Well, I was an hour late, so I’d hope that you beat me here.
Jane: I got coffee for everyone!
Frances: That’s good, you’re learning!
Jane: Thank you!
Frances: I was be facet- no, you don’t know what that word means. You have a nice day, Jane. I’m sure Bev is anxiously awaiting her coffee.
Jane: Oh, Beverly told me to stop getting coffee for her. She’s on a juice cleanse or something. I don’t know what that is, but the idea of only drinking grape juice does sound nice.
Frances: I need a cigarette.
DeAnna: That’s a nasty habit!
Frances: You’re a nasty habit.
DeAnna: Finally, you admit you’re obsessed with me. I’ve always known. Your hatred for me fuels you.
Frances: It’s been a rough day, I need you to leave me alone before I run you over with my car.
DeAnna: Not in a joking mood today, I see. For my own safety, I will lay off you.
Frances: If you could continue with that forever and ever and never speak to me again, that would be much appreciated.
Frances walks into the studio.
Frances: We need to talk.
Marcia: Do you mean me or her?
Frances: All of us. You, me, Bev, and Jane. In my office.
Beverly: You look upset. Before you do anything crazy, remember that the feeling will pass and you recently signed a contract, so you can’t walk away whether you want to or not.
Frances: It isn’t that, but I do hope you’d support me if I wanted to get out of my contract somewhere down the line. We are friends, after all.
Beverly: Have you met Dana? I have no interest in getting on that woman’s bad side.
Marcia: Hey, are you guys coming in here? I rushed to the office because I thought something major was happening, now you’re just babbling about Dana.
Frances: We’re easily distracted, I guess.
Marcia: Must have picked it up from Jane.
Jane: It would be an honor to teach Frances something. She’s my hero.
Beverly: Surely there are better choices out there for hero worship?
Frances: All right, ladies, I have a lot to vent about, and you’re going to hear about it.
Marcia: What did Greg do?
Beverly: What did Louise do?
Jane: Anyone want a bagel?
Frances: They didn’t do anything, and no, Jane, no bagel. I’m watching my figure, I eat too many carbs as it is.
Marcia: I could go for a bagel.
Jane: You should be less mean to me, then.
Marcia: Wow, she’s finally got some bite to her!
Beverly: Not to mention some brains! I wouldn’t give you a bagel, either.
Frances: Last night, someone broke into my neighbor’s house. No one was hurt, but a lot of money and jewelry was stolen and my whole neighborhood made a huge stink about it. I couldn’t even sleep with all the noise out there from the nosy neighbors who had to know exactly what was going on.
Marcia: I’m so sorry this happened to you. You have my thoughts and prayers at this troubling time, it has to be so disturbing to not be able to sleep because your neighbor was violently robbed.
Frances: It wasn’t a violent robbery, but that wasn’t my point, anyway. Maybe let me finish my thought?
Marcia: I’m sorry, but it’s far more enjoyable to just paint you as an out-of-touch rich lady who thinks the world revolves around her.
Frances: So, as I was saying, I couldn’t sleep. Eventually, even though it’s not even five in the morning yet, I get out of bed. I figure, there’s such a clatter out there, I better find out what it’s all about. That’s when I found out about the robbery and learned that, apparently, there’s been a strong of robberies within the neighborhood within the last month. Now I’m very upset and concerned that I’m next.
Beverly: The cops haven’t found the culprits yet? Wow, they usually actually try when it’s the rich folks involved.
Frances: The thieves have gotten lucky. They’ll get caught, I just hope that happens before my house is hit. I’m a moving target!
Jane: I can watch your house for you. My uncle was a cop, I know how to do a stakeout.
Frances: I -
Marcia: I beg you to let her do it just once. I need to see this play out.
Beverly: She’ll probably tackle one of Frances’s neighbors as they walk into their own home.
Jane: I’m not that stupid! I wouldn’t do that!
Frances: Jane, I appreciate the offer, but I think that’s about as good of an idea as my neighborhood’s actual idea, which is to start a neighborhood watch. I think unqualified common folk trying to do the job of the police in tracking down hardened criminals can only end one way, and it’s not a good way.
Marcia: I think a neighborhood watch would be fun! It gives you a free excuse to snoop in other peoples’ business, without feeling any guilt about it.
Frances: Jimmy and Louise are my neighbors. You think I want them “protecting” my house? I pass on that one.
Beverly: People always get crazy when this sort of thing happens, it usually passes. No one really wants to spend their free time patrolling their neighborhood, and they certainly don’t want to be losing sleeping hours to do it. Even if they do start a neighborhood watch, it won’t last longer than a couple weeks, once the cops catch these guys or the thieves move on to somewhere else.
Marcia: Either that, or they will become a special militarized unit like The A-Team. No in-betweens.
Frances: Mr. T is one of my neighbors, actually. Maybe it would be good to have him on the case. Then again, so is Betty White, and I really don’t want her to get hurt.
Marcia: So you don’t want a neighborhood watch, but you are scared of the robberies. What is your game plan here? Hoping the cops will do their job and living in fear in the meantime?
Beverly: She just told you, she’s hiring Mr. T to do the job. And maybe Betty White, but that part’s unclear.
Frances: I wanted to hire a private security guard to watch the neighborhood. I figured all of us could chip in and it wouldn’t cost that much.
Beverly: Did you tell your neighbors about this?
Frances: Yes!
Beverly: No wonder they want to form a community watch, then. Since when do rich people ever want to spend money?
Frances: When did you become an “eat the rich” type?
Beverly: It’s 2013, Frances, we’re in an age of enlightenment.
Jane: Frances, you know that if you’re ever feeling unsafe at your place with these maniacs still on the loose, you can always come stay at my apartment. I have couch space available for you!
Frances: Oh, that is… so sweet, Jane. I just don’t know if I can leave Greg at home alone right now, he’s very shaken up, too.
Jane: I have a pullout sofa! He can sleep on that with you!
Marcia: Well, I see no reason why Jane’s not getting a new roomie, then.
Frances: I, uh… I can think of no reason, either. I still don’t want to intrude, though. Plus, it’s so important to face your fears. I’ll brave it out at home.
Jane: Okay! The offer always stands, though!
Frances: Really appreciate it. Now, let’s get to work. I have to teach the housewives how to make a 30-minute quiche.
Later that night, when Frances returns home…
Greg: Hey, honey, I made dinner.
Frances: You made dinner? Wow, I dinner hasn’t been ready for me when I got home since Louise and Jimmy moved out.
Greg: Well, I just love you so much and wanted to show it.
Lauren: Also, we have to hurry up to get to the neighborhood meeting.
Frances: Ah! The truth comes out!
Greg: She’s not wrong, even though she should’ve kept quiet about the true intentions. They scheduled an emergency neighborhood meeting for this evening regarding forming a neighborhood watch.
Frances: They’re really pushing hard for that, aren’t they?
Greg: No one feels safe right now. I know I don’t.
Lauren: Neither do I! What if they break into the guest house? I sleep right by the door!
Frances: Why do you do that? There’s a bedroom in there.
Lauren: I got used to sleeping in the living room when mom and dad were living there, now I kinda like it.
Frances: Moving past that… I’m also scared, I don’t want our house to be broken into. Not to toot my own horn, but we have one of the nicest houses in the neighborhood. We are clear targets. That’s why I think we should rely on the professionals.
Lauren: No one was hurt, the cops don’t think it’s worth putting a patrol car on the street.
Frances: Not the cops! I said professionals! I’m talking private security. That’s what it’ll take to help me sleep at night, not the bumbling fools in this neighborhood playing Hill Street Blues out there on the street.
Lauren: What is Hill Street Blues?
Frances: No! Don’t ask that! You’ll make me feel old!
Greg: Well, we aren’t young.
Frances: Let me ask, what do you two feel about this neighborhood watch?
Greg: I don’t think it can possibly hurt. If these people know that we’re watching and waiting for them, maybe it’ll stop them in their tracks.
Lauren: Yeah, especially if they know Mr. T is out there. Who would want to mess with him?
Greg: I think he's out of town this month, actually.
Lauren: Aww, that’s a shame.
Frances: You really think the rich bozos in this neighborhood are going to scare any career criminals? What are Adam and Jeannie Naparello going to do to stop thieves? Show them their stock portfolio?
Greg: It’s better than nothing, I think.
There’s a knock on the door.
Frances: Oh, god! They’re coming to finish the job! To the basement, everyone, we have a panic room down there that the previous owner installed during the Cold War!
Lauren: Um… it’s mom and dad.
Frances: Oh, right. How silly of me.
Louise: My god, Frances, how are you? Isn’t this terrifying, living right next to it?
Jimmy: Louise and I have taken turns sleeping while the other watches guard.
Frances: I don’t think they’d strike right in the middle of the day, you’re probably safe for now.
Greg: I take it you guys are on board with this neighborhood watch?
Louise: On board with it? I’m one of the ones who demanded we vote to form it tonight. The faster we get people out there watching over us, the quicker I can get a peaceful night’s sleep. I am a ball of anxiety.
Frances: We all are, that’s why I think it’s time to hire private security to protect the neighborhood.
Louise: You want to pay for that out of your own pocket?
Frances: No! We all chip in a bit, it can’t be that expensive.
Jimmy: It’s pretty expensive.
Frances: How would you know?
Jimmy: I just have a feeling it’s out of my budget range. A neighborhood watch, that’s free and it unites the community. No one’s going to want to mess with a community that’s united!
Frances: Can I tell you the truth here?
Louise: You never hold anything back any other time.
Greg: That’s what I love about her! She tells it like it is!
Louise: Whose side are you on, man?
Greg: I can love my wife at the same time that I support the neighborhood watch.
Frances: I’ll just say it: I don’t want our neighbors snooping around my yard.
Jimmy: Not even if they see someone suspicious in it?
Frances: That’s just giving them an excuse to spy on me. I don’t want that. People in this neighborhood are very nosy. The suburbs are crazy, man. It’s like Desperate Housewives on this street.
Greg: I miss that show.
Jimmy: Don’t we all?
Lauren: No?
Jimmy: You just hate soapy fun, I guess.
Louise: Be honest, Fran. You’re talking about me. You think I’m too nosy.
Frances: I would never say that.
Louise: You have said it multiple times to me, I just didn’t think you were so repulsed by my “nosiness” that you’d want your house t o be less safe to avoid giving me a reason to watch over it!
Frances: I just don’t see a neighborhood watch being effective, that is all. It’s not enough! How would the criminals even know we’re doing it?
Louise: They’ll put up a sign on the street posts. It’ll be very clear that this neighborhood is looking out for one another.
Jimmy: They also might run a story about it on the news! We’re making the news!
Frances: I’m on TV 3very day, that doesn’t really impress me too much.
Jimmy: Some of us aren’t famous TV stars, Frances. Sorry to disappoint!
Frances: What is with the hostility? I’m just stating my opinion!
Louise: I’m sorry, I didn’t order a glass of your opinion!
Frances: What does that even mean?
Louise: It means your input is unwanted here.
Frances: I’ve been a resident and homeowner in this neighborhood for far longer than you.
Jimmy: Frances, I think you’re just scared about this break-in and afraid to face the truth. You don’t want to be outside when these thieves might strike again.
Frances: That is ridiculous. I’m not elven years old, I can be outside in the dark.
Jimmy: I’ve never seen it. You know, she was afraid to go camping when we were little.
Frances: Who isn’t? It’s such a stupid pastime. Why would I voluntarily sleep outside in the elements when I could be sleeping indoors on a bed? It’s not the age of neanderthals, why should I live like one?
Louise: Honey, it’s time for the meeting.
Greg: Yeah, we don’t want to be late.
Frances: I haven’t even eaten yet.
Lauren: You can eat it on the way, right? It’s just a burger.
Louise: She doesn’t even need to come, we all know her position on it is just to disrupt and go against my position.
Frances: It will be my honor to eat this cheeseburger while walking on a sidewalk on the way to Melissa Veranda’s garage.
Greg: How did you know Melissa was the one who called the meeting?
Frances: That bitch is always doing things that drive me crazy.
Louise: I barely caught any of that. Did you call me a bitch?
Frances: Yes.
One hour later…
Frances: I can not believe you signed us up for a mid-night watch shift! Why?
Jimmy: He knows you have to face your fears. I’m right, I’m so wise.
Greg: You could’ve been more humble about it, but yeah, I did agree with you.
Frances: You think I’m a scaredy cat?
Greg: No, I just think it could be good for you to see it’s not so scary.
Frances: We’re all scared! Why am I the only one being forced to face my fears?
Louise: The rest of us signed up willingly, because we know it’s the right thing to do.
Frances: Carly Simon says lovin’ you’s the right thing to do. I say punchin’ you’s the right thing to do.
Louise: Oh, look, the first criminal activity for the neighborhood watch to report!
Three days later…
Dana: Charlotte, where the hell is Frances?
Beverly: You know, you can call me by my first name.
Dana: No, I’ll keep on calling you by your last name. It makes me feel like a drill sergeant, I like that.
Beverly: May I ask how you even became aware that Frances wasn’t here yet today?
Dana: A little birdie told me.
Marcia: Is the little birdie standing behind you, smirking?
DeAnna: Hi, guys!
Marcia: It’s times like these I wish I were a Republican.
Beverly: Why would you ever wish that?
Marcia: Then I’d have a gun and I could shoot the little birdie!
DeAnna: Then you’d go to jail, silly!
Marcia: Last I checked, bird hunting is fully legal in the state of California.
Dana: So none of you know where Frances is?
Marcia: You’ll be surprised, but she doesn’t actually keep us up to date on when she’ll be late. It’s a little bit of a problem, since we have a tight shooting schedule, but we always make our deadline.
Beverly: Marcia is making it sound worse than it is. She’s usually never late.
DeAnna: I’m not sure about that, she was just late a few days ago. I know because I was in the parking lot waiting for her, much like today.
Dana: You two have a troublesome relationship.
DeAnna: I prefer to see it as an iconic rivalry. We make each other flourish.
Marcia: Ignore her, Dana, they’re both extremely annoying when they’re together.
Dana: You promise me that you’ll get the episode done on time if I leave?
Beverly: She’ll be here any minute to shoot the episode, I assure you of that.]
Dana: Then, since I know this is semi-normal and nothing to fret about, I’m going to head back to my office. Let me know if any trouble arises that might delay filming in away the impacts the network.
Frances: I’m so sorry I was late again! I’ve had a wild morning, and barely any sleep.
DeAnna: This should be good.
Frances: Why is she here?
Marcia: She was worried about you.
DeAnna: I was not! I was snitching on her!
Marcia: You thrive on this feud, don’t kid us or yourself.
DeAnna: I j-
Frances: Okay, so you remember how I was forced into taking part in my neighborhood’s neighborhood watch program?
Marcia: How could we forget?
Dana: I’m not involved in this scenario, I think I’m just going to slip out.
Jane: I can get the for for you!
Dana: No, thank you. I know how doors work just fine.
Frances: Well, you all know how last night was the night Greg signed me up to do a night watch of the neighborhood?
Beverly: Well aware of all of this, Frances. It’s very late in the workday, we’re gonna need you to jump ahead to a point here.
Frances: So, I’m out there with Greg and Lauren, fully pissed at them for dragging me into this. I napped a little before we went out, but I’m still exhausted. We’re four hours into this, it’s about two in the morning, and finally, something happens. I hear the sound of smashing glass in the distance. I’m not sure what way it’s coming from, but I figured maybe it’s a house that they haven’t seen anyone in recently. Then I hear another smash, from another direction.
Marcia: Multiple robbers? Maybe your area is just crime-ridden?
Frances: Well, I grab Lauren’s arm and I tell her to come with me. I tell Greg to stay right there and see if he sees anything. I make haste on my way to the only house in the neighborhood that no one’s living in: Mr. T’s.
Beverly: Where is Mr. T?
Frances: Filming something. I don’t know what. Either way, I know he’s gone, and I go to his house. Wouldn’t you know it, there's a light on in there that wasn’t on before. I call the police and let them know, but first, I shout “POLICE! HANDS UP!”
Beverly: The was really dumb.
Marcia: Jane-level dumb.
Frances: Anyway, no one was in Mr. T’s house besides his dog walker, who dropped a glass on the floor. I did, however, leave Greg right where an actual robbery was taking place. You want to guess where that was?
Marcia: Was it your house?
Frances: Bingo! Thankfully, the cops got there fast and caught the guys. So, I had my doubts, but the neighborhood watch really did work. For all I know, I could’ve woken up in the middle of the night and been face-to-face with those guys last night if Greg never signed me up for it. Instead, I was prepared for them and took immediate action to stop them. I’m kind of a hero.
DeAnna: This is why you were late? What a weak excuse, come up with something better next time.
What did you think of the season premiere of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
