Marietta walks into the office.
Marietta: All right, girls. As you know, I’m going on vacation for the next week. I need this, desperately.
Amy: We all do, why aren’t we allowed to come along?
Marietta: Because someone has to run the city.
Tammy: You always took us before.
Marietta: We are in the midst of a grueling campaign. I need someone here to hold down the fort and manage any crises that may pop up.
Tammy: You need all three of us? Can’t Henrietta do it on her own?
Henrietta: Me? I don’t even know where the pencil sharpener is!
Amy: Pencil sharpener? Who uses a pencil sharpener these days?
Tammy: You just say that because your whole job is using a computer. The rest of us use them, because our jobs are relevant this reality.
Henrietta: So where are you going, anyway?
Marietta: Portland.
Tammy: Oregon? That’s a far trip for you.
Marietta: Portland, Maine. Still a far trip!
Tammy: Weren’t Patty Lynn and Kathleen just up there last month?
Marietta: In the general area, yeah. The vacation was planned before that impromptu road trip.
Amy: They always seem to have one of those impromptu road trip.
Marietta: About once a year, yeah.
Tammy: Since they’ve already seen Maine, what if Amy and I take their places. They can stay here and run the city.
Marietta: The city will be burned to a crisp within a day.
Tammy: Not with Henrietta here to supervise!
Marietta: Why did I even come in here to talk to you all about this?
Henrietta: You were intending to tell us what we’d all be responsible for in your absence.
Marietta: I’ll just type it up today. I feel like it would be a massive pain to try to actually explain it with these two around.
Amy: Do you have such little respect for us?
Marietta: Right now? Yeah.
Amy: That’s so hurtful.
Marietta: So is the sound of your whining.
Amy: I’m sure going to miss that.
Marietta: Don’t worry, I’ll only be gone a week.
Amy: Not if I visit a voodoo priestess.
Marietta: You don’t know what you’d do without me.
Amy: I’d be mayor.
The next morning…
Patty Lynn: Where is she? Why is she always so late?
Martin: Haven’t you ever met her before? This is par for the course.
Patty Lynn: I told her we had to be out of here promptly at six! We don't even need to be at the airport until seven and we’re still going to be late for that at this rate!
Sarah: Wait, you lied to her about the time to get her ready on time? Savage.
Patty Lynn: Yet, it didn’t work. I thought I’d outsmarted her and here I am, proven wrong.
Kyle: It’s sort of a miracle I’m always on time, considering my parents.
Maria: Well, you’ve got me.
Patty Lynn: And both of you were two minutes late! We’ve got a schedule to keep!
Kathleen: Is Marietta aware that today’s the day we’re leaving? I feel like she’s someone that would mix up the dates easily.
Sarah: Oh, you haven’t been in the house. She’s aware. Half the house is packed and ready to go.
Kathleen: Follow-up question, then: she does know we’re flying, right? I am not about to go on another road trip with Patty Lynn. One a year is enough for me.
Maria: It’s amazing you two even do that. I can barely handle one hour in the car with Kyle, and I actually like him!
Kyle: You told me you enjoyed our trip to Mississippi!
Maria: That was the first sign I was lying, no one ever enjoys taking a trip to Mississippi!
Marietta: I’m sorry for makin’ you all wait! I had some last-minute things to get in order.
Kathleen: Like what, watching all of Titanic?
Martin: No, she just had to haul out ten suitcases. I think she made pretty good time if you ask me.
Marietta: Thank you, dad! People don’t realize how much work this is!
Kathleen: That’s because we pack like normal people.
Patty Lynn: She just called me normal!
Kathleen: No, you just have a normal amount to bags. You’d have just as many bags as Marietta if you weren’t cheaper than all hell.
Patty Lynn: I’m not cheap!
Martin: We can argue about this on the way to the airport. Marietta, just hop in the car.
Marietta: Wait, I have to check if my door’s locked first.
Kathleen: It’s locked. I saw you lock it.
Marietta: Are you being serious, or are you just lying so we can go right away?
Kathleen: Why would I ever lie?
Sarah: You’re a politician!
Kathleen: It’s the family business. Nothing wrong with getting in the family business.
Martin: Good politicians don’t lie, Sarah. We’re honest, we have integrity.
Kathleen: And that is why I only lasted eight years. That and Ronnie Raygun.
Patty Lynn: Some of us would say it’s your fault for running in Arkansas.
Kathleen: Have you considered that Arkansas was far away from you, and that’s why I’d run there?
Martin: Hey! I’ve started driving towards the airport, that means the vacation is officially on. You know what that means!
Sarah: I get a hot pretzel at the airport soon?
Maria: I’m going to be yelled at by dozens of strangers for bringing a baby on a plane?
Marietta: I get to take my sleepy pill and drown out the rest of the world for a few hours?
Martin: It means we aren’t going to fight!
Kathleen: Since when does it mean that?
Sarah: The fighting is always my favorite part of our vacations.
Patty Lynn: Your favorite part?
Sarah: It’s definitely the part I always remember the best!
Kathleen: In that case, maybe let’s just cancel the trip and stay home and argue with each other. We save money and we still get time off while making precious family memories.
Sarah: No! It’s the change of scenery that really makes the bickering memorable. I want to argue with a view of coastal Maine in the background.
Maria: We have a weird family.
Kyle: You married into it. That makes you the weirdest of all.
Five hours later…
Marietta: I think the real beauty of this trip is we’re going to get to see the beauty of both JFK and LaGuardia! You usually only get to take in the culture of one or the other. This is a nice change.
Kathleen: Were there no direct flights? Why are we being subjected to this hellhole?
Patty Lynn: There weren’t. Now can we please get to running? We have to get on the other side of the airport and go through security in only an hour.
Sarah: And aunt Marietta has six bags to drag!
Marietta: I know he’s in “DC” and gets to fly out of there, but I think it’s very unfair that Milton doesn’t have to suffer through this like the rest of us.
Martin: Oh my god! I forgot to pick up Moira!
Patty Lynn: Honey, she was never traveling with us. She was up in DC with Milton.
Martin: Oh. I can never keep those two straight, I never know where they are.
Patty Lynn: We can figure this out when we get to the gate. Let’s get moving!
Maria: This is the most excited I have ever seen anyone look to travel to Maine.
Marietta: Maine’s a very exciting place. Their senators are the Dueling Divas of the US Senate. Of all the people who regularly tanked bills I was hoping would pass, they were by far the most interesting. They always argued for opposite things and when they thought the other one had too much input on the bill, they voted no. I both loved and hated them.
Patty Lynn: No politics on vacation!
Marietta: You’re right, I need a break from it. Especially since I’m about to lo-
Patty Lynn: Politics-free zone! Get ta steppin!
Marietta: Okay, all right.
Maria: Ma, you let go of one of your bags.
Patty Lynn: Never mind, no time. Leave it!
Marietta: That’s the one with my wallet and tickets in it.
Patty Lynn: Just grab it quick!
Three hours later…
Milton: I thought you guys were never going to get here!
Marietta: Shut. Up.
Martin: No arguing!
Milton: I was the one who had to wait, why ya getting mad at me?
Sarah: It’s been a day, dad.
Milton: It’s all worth it, though. Whatever struggle you endured on the ride here, it’s worth it to experience the natural allure of Maine.
Marietta: I think you should die.
Martin: No! Don’t say that!
Marietta: Then he should try not being a smug little as-
Moira: So, who wants dinner?
Patty Lynn: Kathleen ate eight soft pretzels on the way here, she’s good.
Kathleen: I ate three, and only because you made us run through the jungle rather than letting us have a proper lunch.
Patty Lynn: We had to get to the gate in time!
Kathleen: We got there a half-hour early.
Maria: Then we say on the runway for an hour, in what I believe was an extended attempt to break our collective psyches.
Milton: Well, that’s what happens when you fly on cheap airlines.
Sarah: Who flies to Maine, anyway? You ever meet someone that’s flown to Maine? I can’t believe they even have an airport! This is barely even a state, it’s just Greater Massachusetts!
Martin: Can you please try to not get us banned from the entire state after only being in it for ten minutes?
Sarah: I’m only speaking a fact. Maine used to be a part of Massachusetts!
Kathleen: Surely that’s not true.
Marietta: Congresswoman Landfield, ladies and gentlemen!
Kathleen: What are you implying?
Marietta: Most members of Congress would know about the thirteen colonies, I’d think.
Kathleen: Have you seen who the Republicans have in there now? How most of them even graduated grade school is beyond me.
Marietta: I guess you have a point.
Moira: All right, I think we should go get your luggage.
Sarah: Yeah, lots of crime here in Maine, mom.
Moira: Aww, she called me mom!
Sarah: It was more of a sarcastic usage.
Moira: Doesn’t matter!
The next day…
Maria: Why did no one wake me up? It’s so late!
Marietta: Honey, it’s eight in the morning.
Maria: Yeah! Eight in the morning! I wake up at six!
Marietta: What? Why? You don’t have a job!
Maria: I’m a stay-at-home mom, yes. That’s a job in itself, and I gotta take care of the kids. Like right now!
Marietta: Don’t worry about the kids, I handled them.
Maria: Did you throw them out the window?
Marietta: What? Why would you think that?
Maria: We’re watching the Sopranos right now, that’s my first thought when I hear about someone “handling” something.
Marietta: Well, I didn’t kill the kids. I fed them both, they’re watching TV. Dad and Kathleen are getting very invested in SpongeBob.
Maria: Wow, that’s sweet of you.
Marietta: Maria, this is your vacation, too. I’ll do what I have to to make it better. I hope you know I was just kidding with you about not having job, I know the work that goes into being a mom. It’s a hell of a lot harder than… whatever the hell it is that I do.
Kathleen: Yeah, what do you do?
Martin: Shh! You’re talking over SpongeBob!
Kathleen: Did we come on vacation to watch SpongeBob?
Martin: Let me enjoy things!
Kathleen: Oh, who isn’t arguing now?
Kyle: Maria! Why’d you let me sl-
Marietta: She just got up, too.
Kyle: We’re bums, aren’t we.
Maria: We’re on vacation. Live a little.
Kyle: Is grandma not up yet?
Marietta: No, grandma went to the beach.
Kyle: Do they have beaches here?
Marietta: Not in town, no.
Kyle: So she drove off without us?
Marietta: No, she’s walking around town looking for a beach.
Kyle: You don’t have to be sarcastic, I was just asking a question.
Marietta: I’m not being sarcastic. She actually did that.
Kyle: Who gave her that idea?
Kathleen: Why is everyone looking at me? I’m just watching SpongeBob with my great-great nieces.
Milton: Ha! I woke up before mom!
Marietta: Not quite.
Milton: Is she in the bathroom? That’ll be an hour.
Marietta: We may have lost mom.
Milton: Lost mom?
Moira: Oh, honey, she had a good life.
Milton: What?
Moira: I’m so tired, I’m going back to bed.
Marietta: Mom’s not dead, she’s just lost somewhere in town.
Milton: Well, that’s good! Not that my fiancée cares.
Marietta: She’s barely conscious, cut her some slack.
Patty Lynn: You know, Kathleen, that was a rotten thing you did!
Kathleen: I did nothing!
Patty Lynn: “Oh, Patty Lynn, Portland has the best beaches, just walk due south for five minutes and you’ll see the crashing waves!”
Kathleen: In my defense, no reasonable person would have believed there’s a beach in town.
Marietta: You knew full well you weren’t dealing with a reasonable person!
Kathleen: That’s what makes it so much fun!
Patty Lynn: I got my hopes up to see the beach today, so that’s what we’re doing today. It’s our first day, anyway, it’s always good to do something relaxing after a busy travel day.
Kathleen: I’m not opposed to that. It’ll be chilly, but that’s why they made jackets.
Milton: Can we then go into town and explore down there tomorrow? I also want to see the lighthouses, and Kennebunkport, and all that.
Patty Lynn: Of course! We have nine days left, we’ve got plenty of time.
Maria: A ten-day vacation! Ah, I love being married to a rich family!
Kyle: You love what?
Maria: You, silly!
The next day…
Milton: Okay, everyone! This is the most famous lighthouse in Maine, the Portland Head Light.
Marietta: Head? Is it shaped like a head or something?
Milton: Does it look like a head?
Marietta: I was just asking a question, no need to get testy.
Milton: We’re going to get a group picture here. Everyone, look like you’re having fun.
Sarah: Are we having fun? That mansion you said was so pretty was closed for the season. Who goes on vacation to Maine in March?
Martin: Have you seen any crowds?
Sarah: No.
Martin: That’s why!
Patty Lynn: Sarah, if your aunt Kathleen and I could go to Acadia in January, this is nothing. It would’ve been nice to see this mansion, but it’s okay. It’s not what we flew here to see.
Sarah: What did we fly here to see?
Kathleen: Cylindrical buildings with lights in them. We’re at one now, revel in its majestic beauty.
Sarah: Why are we walking away from it, actually?
Milton: We have to stand far enough away from it that you can see whole light in the picture.
Marietta: How are we all getting in this picture?
Milton: I brought a tripod!
Marietta: Of course you did!
Milton: Everyone, line up in front of it!
Kathleen: Where in front of it?
Milton: Wherever feels natural.
Twenty minutes later…
Milton: Okay, I think that’s good. Everyone, stand still!
Maria: Easier said than done with these two!
Milton: Do you mean your children or my parents?
Maria: Yes.
Moira: Honey, that car looks like it’s going to drive by.
Milton: We have plenty of time!
Marietta: Just take the damn picture!
Milton: Okay, three… two… one…
Moira: And there goes the car!
Milton: Okay, one more time!
Marietta: We’re never getting off this damn cliff.
Later that night…
Marietta: I don’t know who it is that was the first to put lobster on a hot dog bun, but I want to marry them.
Sarah: Why don’t we eat food like this back home?
Milton: Because our version of lobster is crawfish. The lobster don’t like the heat very much. Not the ones that taste good, at least.
Patty Lynn: Hasn’t this vacation just been a joy?
Marietta: Mom, we’re two days in.
Patty Lynn: And what a delight it has been!
Marietta: I have enjoyed being in all of your company, I suppose.
Martin: It’s so nice to slow down for a bit and just spend time with the ones you love. Especially when we’re not fighting.
Sarah: I’m gonna get at least one big blowout out of you guys, I promise you!
Marietta: This food is so good, it was worth driving an hour out of our way for it. I want this every day.
Milton: We get it, you love the lobster roll.
Sarah: Fight! Fight!
Marietta: Maybe we should move here she I lose the mayor’s race.
Patty Lynn: No politics!
Marietta: Sorry, sorry. I just, I like their speed here. I feel the sea breeze blowing my hair.
Kathleen: Yeah, it’s freezing!
Patty Lynn: There’s something magical about vacations. I’m really glad we got to do this.
Sarah: Why’s everyone talking like we’re leaving tomorrow? We have more than a week left.
Marietta: We’re old. We like to reminisce a lot.
Martin: Kyle, is Maria asleep?
Kyle: Yeah, she’s really using this as an opportunity to catch up on sleep.
Kathleen: They say that’s a myth. You can’t catch up on sleep.
Patty Lynn: Do you ever stay out of other peoples’ business?
Kathleen: No.
Marietta: The magic of vacation is knowing we have to choose our arguments because we have to stay in one small hotel room with these people for another week. At home, that would have been a big thing.
Sarah: Can we always be on vacation?
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
