Our House Season 5 Episode 19 - Our Costco

Our House Season 5, Episode 19

Our Costco

Danielle runs through the front door.

Danielle: Wow, you guys all looked energetic.

Teri: It’s a Saturday, we’re relaxing and watching a movie. A movie you’re interruption, I have to add.

Danielle: I have news that’s going to get all of you excited!

Teri: Were you not listening? Movie! We’re watching one! Is that hard to comprehend?

Danielle: What movie are you watching?

Ralph: The cheery Mary Tyler Moore/Donald Sutherland vehicle Ordinary People.

Jerry: This f***ing movie is the most depressing f***ing thing I have ever f***ing seen in my entire f***ing life.

Danielle: I don’t think I’ve ever heard Jerry curse like that before?

Tammi: He’s very emotional.

Cindy: Nice pick, Teri.

Danielle: Can I share my news?

Jerry: If it gives me a break from this barrage of depression on the TV, yes.

Danielle: You guys are never going to guess this thrill.

Betty: You’re pregnant.

Danielle: What? No.

Betty: It was just a guess. Pregnancy was the greatest thrill of my life!

Ralph: No, it was not. Seeing Barry Manilow front row was the greatest thrill of your life.

Velma: You’re getting married.

Danielle: To who?

Frank: You’re moving to Florida.

Danielle: Me? Florida?

Tammi: You got a new job!

Danielle: It’s better than all of those things.

Teri: You got a dog? I want a dog.

Danielle: I… signed up…

Ralph: Oh god, she joined Scientology.

Danielle: I’d just as soon jump before a speeding train.

Betty: You know, I almost joined Sci-

Teri: No, you did not. You almost became a Christian Scientist, that’s… not the same thing.

Ralph: She then quickly dropped the idea when she found out she’d have to stop going to her doctor.

Betty: I became friends with him, I couldn’t just drop him like that. It’d be cruel.

Danielle: I became a Costco member!

Teri: Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said it was better. Now there’s a thrill!

Ralph: Have we gotten so boring that signing up to be a member at a store is a thrill?

Cindy: Yes, Ralph. We have.

Danielle: As we all know, Costco is not just a store, it is an experience. I went with my sisters when I was in New York over New Year’s and I was inspired to join.

Mitchell: How would we know? We’ve never been there. Velma wouldn’t let me spend money on a membership.

Danielle: Well, we can all experience it now. The free samples, the bulk items that contain more than you need, the chicken bakes.

Ralph: What is a chicken bake? Do they just roast chickens in the middle of the store?

Danielle: No, it’s like a sleeve of bread filled with cheese and chicken chunks.

Ralph: That does sound like quality cuisine.

Danielle: Don’t knock it until you try it!

Jerry: I didn’t even realize that there was a Costco near us.

Frank: They just built it.

Teri: It’s been up for four years, idiot.

Betty: Is Costco like Sam’s Club? I used to love going there for free samples. They would be my lunch. Karl made us get rid of the membership though, that was terrible.

Karl: We didn’t even buy anything, we just went for samples.

Betty: That was the draw of the place!

Danielle: I think we’re drifting off topic a little. Let’s not take the focus off Costco! Who wants to go on a family Costco run this weekend?

Steven: I have a thing with Alysa then.

Danielle: I didn’t name a time. Or a day.

Steven: It’ll take up the full weekend.

Tammi: What are you doing with your girlfriend all weekend?

Steven: …Studying?

Teri: Reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting, I hope. You gotta be ready.

Tammi: Why do you make such jokes?

Teri: Because of the reactions you all have to them.

Danielle: So, family Costco run… yes or no?

Betty: We’re going. It’s going to be great.

Velma: I think we should do it early. If I’m going to Costco, I want to make a day of it.

Ralph: Make a day of it? It’s Costco, not the Magic Kingdom.

Teri: No, she makes us wait two hours to go to Magic Kingdom.

Velma: That was a mistake! And all I’m saying is In think we should go early to give us time.

Danielle: I agree with her. That’s when they have the best samples, too. At least, that’s what Janice told me.

Ralph: What is with the samples?

Karl: There’s nothing a person loves more than getting something for free. It really does the psyche good to get that little gift just for being there.

Teri: I’ve never been to a Costco, so I’m fully onboard with this. I can think of no better way to first experience it than with the traveling circus by my side.

Velma: I’m marking it in my calendar. Saturday at nine.

Frank: At night?

Danielle: Most of them are still in bed at nine. Let’s do ten, give them some time.

Teri: Yeah, Velma. You know Friday is our big Shark Tank/Fire Country/Blue Bloods night. We are up until the middle of the night on a Friday - eleven PM!

Velma: Well, maybe we can watch Blue Bloods the next day?

Teri: What?

Jerry: I honestly can’t even believe you would say that in front of us.

Tammi: Do us a favor and keep those blasphemous thoughts to yourself, please.

Danielle: All right, Saturday at ten is the big excursion. Gonna be fun!

Steven: Can I at least bring Alysa along?

Teri: Is the goal for her to want to break up with you?

Steven: No, we actually did have a thing planned!

Tammi: What sort of thing?

Steven: Oh my god, mom!

Tammi: Don’t use that tone of voice with me!

Betty: You bring her along, as long as that mother of hers doesn’t inviter herself, too.

Steven: Oh, she doesn’t like us. She’d never come along.

Danielle: Okay, family Costco run plus Alysa is set in stone! No more plus ones, please, we don’t want to look weird.

Teri: Ah, yes, because as it stands the group of fifteen is going to look normal.

Four days later…

Cindy: They really check your ID before you come in here?

Danielle: That’s my membership card. It has your picture on it, I consider it more valuable than my driver’s license.

Teri: You just broke Olivia Rodrigo’s heart.

Danielle: She’s gotta be used to that by now.

Cindy: Are there a lot of people breaking into Costco? They really have to check that?

Karl: What would the point be of a membership if they didn’t check them and just let anyone in.

Teri: Don’t defend The Man, dad.

Karl: The Man?

Teri: You know, capitalist pigs.

Cindy: She’s in a store for a minute, she decides to go on a socialist rant.

Teri: I didn’t go on any sort of rant, I simply made a short statement of truth.

Betty: We are not arguing today! Not in such a magical place!

Ralph: Mom talks about Costco the way Jerry talks about CPAC.

Jerry: When do I ever talk about CPAC? You act like I’m talking politics 24/7 and forcing you to endure it.

Ralph: Ever having to listen to it at all is more than I’d ever like to endure.

Steven: See, Alysa, I told you this was more entertaining than seeing the new Ant-Man.

Alysa: Your family never fails to make me laugh.

Betty: Laughter is banned in your home, right, what with that mother of yours?

Cindy: Mom…

Betty: What? Did I say something?

Tammi: Maybe don’t insult her mother in front of her.

Alysa: Oh, it’s okay. I live with her, I know she’s annoying.

Frank: Hey -

Teri: Speaking of annoying…

Frank: They got TVs here!

Teri: Have you never seen TVs in a store before? Wait until you go to Target!

Danielle: All right, enough screwing around. Let’s find things we actually want to purchase.

Frank: Who says I don’t want to buy a TV?

Tammi: Honey, we don’t need a TV.

Teri: You know what we do need? A dishwasher. They got those?

Danielle: You know they do.

Betty: All I want is the samples. Where are the samples?

Cindy: Where the food is, maybe?

Betty: Then let’s go there!

Danielle: All right, we will start in food and then loop around to home goods, clothing and appliances.

Betty: That’s a lot of walking. I don’t want to burn off my samples so quickly.

Teri: We’ll get you some chicken bread for lunch, then. How about that?

Danielle: Chicken bake! It’s called a chicken bake!

Teri: Sure it is.

Two hours later…

Teri: Wow, already noon and look at all we’ve got in the cart.

Tammi: There’s two things in the cart.

Teri: Exactly. We’ve spent two hours searching for free samples.

Betty: And I ate so many lasagna samples that I am full now. Today has been a win.

Tammi: Why were they giving out samples of frozen lasagna in the morning, by the way? Who eats lasagna for breakfast?

Betty: It’s all part of the Costco experience. Who are we to question their choices?

Ralph: What? This is the first time you’ve ever even set foot in a Costco.

Teri: Mom in treating Costco like a cult.

Ralph: Danielle, are you sure this isn't just Scientology?

Danielle: Yeah, Betty’s just weird.

Karl: It’s why I married her!

Jerry: She clearly didn’t like any of the samples enough to buy them. The only thing we have in the cart are bananas and some sort of dip.

Karl: Betty has to bring the snack for the HOA meeting this week. It took ten minutes, but I finally got her to settle on dip. It was the tenth thing I had put in the cart to serve at that damn HOA meeting, and lord knows how long it’s going to take for her to decide what chips to serve with it.

Jerry: Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll be giving out samples chips. That way, she’ll know for sure what not to buy.

Betty: I like all the samples they’ve had here, it’s just that, well, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Teri: Because they’ll be giving out different milk the next time you come. If you like what you sampled today, better buy it!

Betty: Interesting. I may have to reconsider some things. Maybe that lasagna’s worth a buy.

Danielle: Have we seen enough in food? We’ve been here for quite a while.

Betty: We’ve only seen the bakery and the refrigerated section. We haven’t examined their canned goods!

Ralph: It’s food, it’s in a can, what’s there to investigate.

Betty: I need to see everything they’ve got.

Danielle: Okay, we will go quickly.

Alysa: My mom said to get her a can of crushed tomato while I’m here. 

Betty: How does she know they have it?

Alysa: Oh, well, she was one off the first people to sign up for a membership when it first opened.

Betty: Of course she was.

Steven: You didn’t tell me you were here before I thought we were doing something new!

Alysa: This is certainly the first time anyone’s bought me here on a date. That’s new enough for me.

Jerry: Aww, young love! Don't they just remind you of us when we were young, Cin?

Cindy: Yes, a worrying amount.

Karl: Don’t be silly, you two. If they were really like you, they’d have already snuck off to the bread aisle together to have a private place to canoodle.

Cindy: We did that one time!

Karl: Yes, and Tammi was born as a result!

Tammi: Okay, Steven, gimme your hand.

Steven: Oh my gosh…

Teri: Wow, he just cursed! By his standards, at least.

Two hours later…

Danielle: Do you guys like these shoes on me?

Ralph: If I say yes, will you put them in the cart so we can move out of the clothing section.

Teri: That’s not happening! I still have to decide on which towel set I want!

Jerry: Why do they sell so much crap here?

Teri: Isn’t it great? We should do this every week?

Ralph: Me and Steven are busy that day. I gotta chaperone his date.

Betty: If you wanna get out of the clothing section, we can go look for more samples.

Teri: I thought you were full?

Betty: That was two hours ago!

Karl: We still have to look at homewares. We really could use a new kitchen set. Our pans are terrible!

Ralph: They considered antiques at this point, dad!

Velma: And I’m just waiting for us to almost be done here so I can get some meat.

Teri: Are things that bad with you and Mitchell?

Velma: Get your head out of the gutter! I mean sausage and - I’m not doing myself and favors there, am I?

Teri: No, but you’re giving us a good laugh. I think that’s what counts.

One hour later…

Danielle: Okay, guys! Are we finally ready to go home?

Betty: No!

Jerry: What could you possibly want to see here yet that you’ve not seen during the first ten hours?

Betty: I need to find another free sample.

Karl: They’re going to ban you from this place.

Cindy: Wouldn’t be the first place she’s been banned from!

Betty: I just need something to get the taste of that ice cream out of my mouth. It was disgusting!

Ralph: Oh no! She’s spoken out against our Costco overlords! Run!

Karl: Don’t say that, Frank’s dumb enough to actually run,

Frank: Oh, god, even Karl’s making fun of me now.

Tammi: Well, honey, you did knock over an entire display of Ghirardelli chocolates. And you are a muffin in the store because you thought it was a “giant sample.”

Teri: Think on the plus side, Tammi. He’s never allowed to come back, Danielle never has to deal with him again!

Frank: I’m allowed back, I just had to buy the whole container of them. The bakery manager understood my story completely.

Teri: Then he’s a moron, too!

Danielle: Betty, I’m going to go check out. You go get your final free sample and come join us, the line’s long anyway so we won’t get far. I think this has been fun, we ARE doing it again!

Teri: Let’s schedule it for April 31st.

Two weeks later…

Teri: Hey, Danielle! Why are you outside on the back porch? It’s forty-five degrees outside!

Danielle: I can’t let one more person ask me to take them to Costco. Teri, Steven asked me to take him and Alysa there on another date! I said yes, we just walked around the appliances for a half-hour before they ate samples of frozen spaghetti like Lady and the Tramp! Those kids are weird!

Teri: Yeah, they’re definitely going to get married. They’re made for one another. That brings me to another point… I need eggs.

Danielle: For eating?

Teri: Yeah, that’s usually what one does with them.

Danielle: I never know with you. You might want them to egg Anita’s house with Betty. Ran into her at Costco when I was with Betty, by the way! Really weird! This family is really weird!

Teri: How often are they making you go?

Danielle: In the two weeks since I’ve joined, I’ve had to take Betty eight times for free samples for late lunch, Karl went four times to get different chips for Betty’s HOA meeting and to look at dishwashers - 

Teri: We finally getting a new one?

Danielle: No, he was unable to settle on one. I also had to take Jerry for batteries, Velma for meat -

Teri: Poor Mitchell!

Danielle: Tammi for tampons -

Teri: Fits the name at least.

Danielle: Ralph for a full ingredient run, Cindy for paper towels and tissues, Frank for bottled eater and Mitchell for candy. Do these people not know how to make a list? The people that check the receipts as you leave already know me by name! In two weeks!

Teri: Do you not know how to say no?

Danielle: It’s hard. They’re just excited. And, it’s stuff they need.

Teri: We have a Stop&Save down the road, they can go there if they want water!

Danielle: I guess you’re right.

Teri: Of course I am. Now, can we go get eggs?

Danielle: Ha, no.

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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