MANNY, ACE, ROBERT, HARRY, and LORENZO are all in the bullpen at the Indianapolis Primitives’ game.
ROBERT
Okay I know I’ve said it before, but things feel so empty here. How could they just not hire anyone new for the bullpen?
MANNY
Lack of foresight. Or stupidity. Either way, we’re going to change that. And what better time to start than now?
ACE
I agree, right when the game ends it’s time to focus and recruit for ourselves.
MANNY
No, I mean now. They’re not gonna need any of you to pitch, there’s no point in any of you being here. Also, I love how saying that hurts none of you in any way.
LORENZO
Guys, I don’t mean to change the subject, but I’m pretty sure I see one of my favorite celebrities in the crowd.
HARRY
Why don’t you go up to them and introduce yourself? Why did I say that?
ROBERT
Let me guess, it’s the mascot for the other team.
LORENZO
How’d you know?!
ROBERT
Traitor.
LORENZO
Excuse me, not everyone loves the Primates’ current mascot. Also, I believe the word you’re looking for is trainer.
ROBERT
Primitives. The name of this team is the Primitives. And no, it’s definitely traitor.
MANNY
Wait a minute—they gave us Charles from the crowd. Why don’t we just do a crowd search ourselves?
LORENZO
And meet my favorite celebrity? Deal!
Everyone leaves the bullpen and starts walking into the crowd.
ACE
You know, the field kinda looks like a garden from here.
HARRY
The hell’s that supposed to mean?
MANNY
Focus everyone. We’re looking for new people to sit in the bullpen.
CROWD MEMBER
I’LL DO IT!
LORENZO [to the CROWD MEMBER]
Do you have any past pitching experience?
CROWD MEMBER
UH….YEAH.
LORENZO [to everyone else]
That’s too bad, major disqualification there.
ROBERT
Also that guy’s clearly drunk.
ACE
HOLY!
MANNY
What is it?
ACE
My favorite celebrity is in the crowd!
MANNY
You too?
ACE
Ok, my person is an actual celebrity. And a person. I’m gonna talk to her. She seems super busy distracting herself from the game, but I don’t care. Come on, step forward!
Everyone follows ACE. He introduces himself to his favorite celebrity.
ACE
Hi, my name is Ace!
CELEBRITY
Do I…know you?
ACE
I’m on the Indianapolis Primitives!
CELEBRITY
The who?
ACE
The team playing the game right now.
CELEBRITY
Good for you, why are you here and not on the field.
ACE
Well, I don’t play in the game so much as sit on the bench in the bullpen, but I’m on the payroll!
CELEBRITY
Please leave.
ACE
I’m also a huge fan of the Sexiest Gentleman Alive.
HARRY
Yuck.
CELEBRITY
Well why didn’t you say so?
ACE
Selfie?
ACE takes a selfie with his favorite celebrity.
ROBERT
Hey you guys are on the big screen. The whole stadium’s looking at you.
CELEBRITY
Well this is gonna be in the gossip tabloids for a week.
MANNY
Come on Ace, it’s time we continue our search for a new bullpen member.
CELEBRITY
The guy sitting next to me loves bullpens, he used to be in one! He went to meet one of the mascots now though so good luck finding him.
LORENZO
See? I’m not the only one!
MANNY
Hurry, let’s go before we miss him!
LORENZO
The mascot or the dude who likes bullpens?
MANNY
Which one do you think?
LORENZO
The mascot, obviously.
MANNY
Do you even have this bullpen’s best interests in mind?
LORENZO
Never really thought about it.
Everyone walks over to the other team’s mascot.
LORENZO
IT’S REALLY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
ROBERT
Bryan! Long time to see!
LORENZO
I have so many questions for you!
ROBERT
How’s the wife? How’s the kid? How’s retirement?
LORENZO
What’s it like interacting with people who don’t speak animal? How do you eat? Where do you go when there isn’t a game?
MANNY [to HARRY]
They’re not talking to the same person, are they?
HARRY [to MANNY]
Only one of them is talking to a person.
The mascot takes a picture with LORENZO.
HARRY
The cameras projecting to the big screen have been following us this whole time, you know.
MANNY
Let’s make things quick. Bryan, we were told by someone who I’m told is a celebrity that you like bullpens and we’re looking for someone to be in the bullpen. They really screwed up and didn’t give us anyone new this year.
BRYAN
Well…the kid’s starting to talk back to me now and the wife’s been doing it since we got married, so why not?
ROBERT
Welcome back to the bullpen, Bryan.
ACE
Uh…guys? The mound is wide open. I think they’re waiting for one of us to pitch.
LORENZO
I’ll do it.
MANNY
No you won’t.
BRYAN
I signed up to be in a bullpen, not to pitch.
ROBERT
Leave and pretend we didn’t notice?
HARRY
Works for me.
Everyone leaves.