The Bullpen Season 5 Episode 2: Celebrity Sightings

 

MANNY, ACE, ROBERT, HARRY, and LORENZO are all in the bullpen at the Indianapolis Primitives’ game. 


ROBERT

Okay I know I’ve said it before, but things feel so empty here. How could they just not hire anyone new for the bullpen? 


MANNY

Lack of foresight. Or stupidity. Either way, we’re going to change that. And what better time to start than now? 


ACE

I agree, right when the game ends it’s time to focus and recruit for ourselves. 


MANNY

No, I mean now. They’re not gonna need any of you to pitch, there’s no point in any of you being here. Also, I love how saying that hurts none of you in any way. 


LORENZO

Guys, I don’t mean to change the subject, but I’m pretty sure I see one of my favorite celebrities in the crowd. 


HARRY

Why don’t you go up to them and introduce yourself? Why did I say that? 


ROBERT

Let me guess, it’s the mascot for the other team. 


LORENZO

How’d you know?!


ROBERT

Traitor. 


LORENZO

Excuse me, not everyone loves the Primates’ current mascot. Also, I believe the word you’re looking for is trainer. 


ROBERT

Primitives. The name of this team is the Primitives. And no, it’s definitely traitor. 


MANNY

Wait a minute—they gave us Charles from the crowd. Why don’t we just do a crowd search ourselves? 


LORENZO

And meet my favorite celebrity? Deal!


Everyone leaves the bullpen and starts walking into the crowd. 


ACE

You know, the field kinda looks like a garden from here. 


HARRY

The hell’s that supposed to mean? 


MANNY

Focus everyone. We’re looking for new people to sit in the bullpen. 


CROWD MEMBER

I’LL DO IT!


LORENZO [to the CROWD MEMBER]

Do you have any past pitching experience? 


CROWD MEMBER 

UH….YEAH.


LORENZO [to everyone else]

That’s too bad, major disqualification there. 


ROBERT

Also that guy’s clearly drunk. 


ACE

HOLY!


MANNY

What is it?


ACE

My favorite celebrity is in the crowd!


MANNY

You too? 


ACE

Ok, my person is an actual celebrity. And a person. I’m gonna talk to her. She seems super busy distracting herself from the game, but I don’t care. Come on, step forward! 


Everyone follows ACE. He introduces himself to his favorite celebrity. 


ACE

Hi, my name is Ace!


CELEBRITY

Do I…know you?


ACE

I’m on the Indianapolis Primitives!


CELEBRITY

The who? 


ACE

The team playing the game right now. 


CELEBRITY

Good for you, why are you here and not on the field. 


ACE

Well, I don’t play in the game so much as sit on the bench in the bullpen, but I’m on the payroll!


CELEBRITY

Please leave. 


ACE

I’m also a huge fan of the Sexiest Gentleman Alive. 


HARRY

Yuck. 


CELEBRITY

Well why didn’t you say so? 


ACE

Selfie? 


ACE takes a selfie with his favorite celebrity. 


ROBERT

Hey you guys are on the big screen. The whole stadium’s looking at you. 


CELEBRITY

Well this is gonna be in the gossip tabloids for a week. 


MANNY

Come on Ace, it’s time we continue our search for a new bullpen member. 


CELEBRITY

The guy sitting next to me loves bullpens, he used to be in one! He went to meet one of the mascots now though so good luck finding him. 


LORENZO

See? I’m not the only one! 


MANNY

Hurry, let’s go before we miss him!


LORENZO

The mascot or the dude who likes bullpens? 


MANNY

Which one do you think? 


LORENZO

The mascot, obviously. 


MANNY

Do you even have this bullpen’s best interests in mind? 


LORENZO

Never really thought about it. 


Everyone walks over to the other team’s mascot. 


LORENZO

IT’S REALLY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!


ROBERT

Bryan! Long time to see!


LORENZO

I have so many questions for you! 


ROBERT

How’s the wife? How’s the kid? How’s retirement?


LORENZO

What’s it like interacting with people who don’t speak animal? How do you eat? Where do you go when there isn’t a game? 


MANNY [to HARRY]

They’re not talking to the same person, are they? 


HARRY [to MANNY]

Only one of them is talking to a person. 


The mascot takes a picture with LORENZO. 


HARRY

The cameras projecting to the big screen have been following us this whole time, you know. 


MANNY

Let’s make things quick. Bryan, we were told by someone who I’m told is a celebrity that you like bullpens and we’re looking for someone to be in the bullpen. They really screwed up and didn’t give us anyone new this year. 


BRYAN

Well…the kid’s starting to talk back to me now and the wife’s been doing it since we got married, so why not? 


ROBERT

Welcome back to the bullpen, Bryan. 


ACE

Uh…guys? The mound is wide open. I think they’re waiting for one of us to pitch. 


LORENZO

I’ll do it. 


MANNY

No you won’t. 


BRYAN

I signed up to be in a bullpen, not to pitch. 


ROBERT

Leave and pretend we didn’t notice? 


HARRY

Works for me. 


Everyone leaves. 

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