Raymond Island Season 3 Episode 12 - Queen B

Raymond Island Season 3, Episode 12
Queen B

Anthony, Christina, Toby and Eddie are in Gretchen’s personal office.

Anthony: Honey, I’m always more than willing to come see you at work, but why’d you ask us all here today after-hours.

Eddie: And why am I here, but not Mary?

Gretchen: Mary had a dentist appointment. She was adamant about not missing it.

Christina: And why were we not allowed to bring grandma? She chased after the car when we pulled out.

Toby: I was afraid she was going to trip.

Gretchen: Do none of you remember what’s happening soon?

Eddie: Should we?

Anthony: Is it our anniversary?

Gretchen: I should hit you.

Anthony: That a no? Or a yes? I’m not sure.

Gretchen: It’s my mother’s birthday. Her eightieth!

Anthony: Oh, right!

Christina: He had no idea. None of us did.

Eddie: I would’ve guessed eventually.

Gretchen: Even if none of you remembered, and even if you don’t seem to currently care, I think we need to do something special for her. You only turn eighty once.

Eddie: You better do something big for my fortieth birthday!

Gretchen: If I could turn back time…

Eddie: You could have at least played along.

Gretchen: You are pushing sixty.

Christina: You are? Man, we’re gonna have to put you in the home soon.

Eddie: Life is going to hit this one like a ton of bricks once she finally gets out of the house.

Gretchen: Can we focus please? We only have so much time before mom steals a car and drives down here herself, so we need to brainstorm. What can we do for her big day?

Eddie: Do you have any grand ideas yourself?

Gretchen: Why do you think I called all of you down here? For fun? No! I’m clueless!

Samantha: That’s true.

Gretchen: Carol, what is she doing here?

Carol: She wanted to ask you something. I told her you were busy, but she insisted on waiting.

Susana: She’s making us play tic-tac-toe with her. She cheats!

Samantha: That’s a lie.

Gretchen: I’ll be with you all in a moment. In the meantime, stop eavesdropping.

Anthony: Doesn’t Lucinda have any family you could invite? I know it’s been a while, but what about her sister? Would she come?

Gretchen: Aunt Bethany is a unique woman.

Christina: That’s code for “bitch.”

Samantha: You can’t say that anymore in 2022.

Gretchen: Stop listening to my private conversations!

Samantha: God, she’s touchy.

Susana: We all deserve privacy, Samantha.

Samantha: Don’t talk like a Libertarian.

Gretchen: So, we were talking abut Aunt Bethany?

Anthony: I think Lucinda would love to see her for her birthday. what better way to celebrate than with family?

Eddie: Especially family that always reminds you how much younger they are than you.

Gretchen: She’s not that much younger than mom.

Eddie: Ten years means so much when you’re mom’s age. I mean, in ten years, she’ll be -

Gretchen: Let’s not think about where she’ll be in ten years.

Christina: We have to do something else. We can’t just fly a woman she barely tolerates up to Rhode Island and call it a day. I think she deserves more than that. Something special.

Anthony: I think she deserves to be shot out of a cannon. That’s special, right?

Christina: Wow, dad. When did you get so homicidal?

Anthony: How long’s your grandmother been living with us?

Gretchen: This won’t be the only thing we do for her birthday. I’ll have a party and invited her… uh… does she have any friends?

Christina: That’s a comment I’d expect from dad. Not you.

Gretchen: I’m not trying to be mean! I’m just trying to remember if any of her friends from the home are still with us.

Christina: She keeps hinting that she wants a record player to listen to her old vinyls.

Gretchen: What can that cost, like fifty bucks? We need to think bigger than that.

Anthony: That’s about what I’d spend on her.

Gretchen: We gotta at least spend a dollar for every year she’s been on earth.

Eddie: You really want to spend ten thousand dollars on her?

Christina: Uncle Eddie, that sounds like a joke Toby would make

Toby: I would never be so mean!

Gretchen: I will keep thinking, I guess. We have two weeks. For now, I’ll focus on finding a place for the party and convincing aunt Bethany to come up to celebrate.

Eddie: You say that so flippantly, as if you’re not going to have to spend hours begging her to fly up here for a two-day trip before she decides that even Florida is better than this.

Gretchen: Don’t be a negative Nancy. She’ll stay more than two days!

Eddie: Don’t call me Nancy.

Gretchen: That’s what you got from that?

Toby: Can we go now?

Christina: Yeah, we should peel out of here before grandma gets here. She was running pretty fast for an old lady.

Toby: Faster than I’ve ever seen mom run.

Gretchen: I run an entire state -

Samantha: Barely.

Gretchen: I don’t need to run down the street. I do enough running.

Christina: How poetic.

Two weeks later…

Carol: Gretchen, are you sure you don’t want to tell your mother that your aunt is coming up for a visit? I know their relationship’s a bit… frigid.

Susana: They’re sisters, there’s no stronger bond!

Gretchen: Eh.

Susana: Eh?

Gretchen: They argue a bit. It’s fine. They’re fine. Just not super tight. They’re not Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen in White Christmas. There were more devoted sisters.

Susana: That reference was lost in translation.

Gretchen: You’ve never seen - never mind. I have to get going. Ole’ Aunt Beth’s angry enough as it is, don’t need to make her wait any longer than she has to at the airport.

Carol: Do you want me to come as moral support?

Gretchen: Moral support? I’m picking up my aunt, not ID’ing a body at the morgue!

Carol: Based on some of your stories, ID’ing a body could be less traumatic.

Gretchen: She’s not that bad, just a bit tough is all. My mother’s worse, arguably.

Susana: Lucinda is lov- yeah, you’re right.

Carol: I just know how this goes, tomorrow you’ll be in here complaining about how mean she was to you.

Gretchen: I’m a big girl, I can handle it. Now, off to the airport before she gets mad at me.

One hour later….

Bethany: You’re telling me this is summer here? It’s seventy degrees, this is winter! Why would anyone choose to live in Rhode Island?

Gretchen: It’s great to see you, too, aunt Bethany.

Bethany: Greetings are for snowflakes. Are you a snowflake, Gretch?

Gretchen: No, aunt Bethany.

Bethany: I’m just pulling your leg! Good to see you, kiddo! Why do you live in Rhode Island, though?

Gretchen: My mother always tells me no other state would elect me governor. I love power, so I have to stay here.

Bethany: Fair enough. If you ever want to live in a state that’s not a single square mile, though, jet on down to Florida.

Gretchen: I don’t think Florida’s the place to go to escape my troubles.

Bethany: Well, I guess we’d better get out of here and stop clogging up traffic. Um, could we stop at a Target first. I have to acquire a gift for your mother.

Gretchen: You didn’t get her gift yet?

Bethany: You know how much they charge for luggage these days? I can’t risk going over the weight.

Gretchen: I guess that makes sense. I’m just glad you came, I know she will be, too.

Bethany: We’ll see about that. She always has to be difficult.

Gretchen: Let’s get that out now before you see her.

Bethany: I’d tell her to her face, too. She knows she’s a pain in my ass.

Gretchen: Oh, this is gonna be fun. Togetherness is so magical!

One hour later, in Gretchen’s driveway…

Gretchen: Okay, you ready to go in?

Bethany: I just had to spend hours on a plane and in an airport. I’m tired. Of course I’m ready to go in and relax.

Gretchen: I meant to see mom.

Bethany: Oh. Yeah, sure. I love Lucy!

Gretchen: Okay, Desi Arnaz. Let’s get in there.

Bethany: Could you help me with my suitcase? I think I pulled my back when I lifted it off the carousel at the airport.

Gretchen: I’ll get Tony to do it.

Bethany: Works for me!

Gretchen: I just want to remind you, mom doesn’t know you’re coming. She might be a little surprised, so bear with her.

Bethany: As long as she doesn’t throw a knife at me or shoot me, I’m fine.

Gretchen: She doesn’t believe in guns, so you’re good there. I think Christina can stop her before she stabs you.

Bethany: I hope so. I don’t want to die in Rhode Island.

Gretchen: Because dying in Florida is better?

Bethany: If it’s good enough for the Golden Girls, it’s good enough for me.

Gretchen and Bethany get out of the car and enter the house.

Gretchen: I’m home, guys! And I brought a guest!

Lucinda: If it’s not Michael Douglas, I don’t really care. If you know what I mean.

Christina: Ew.

Gretchen: It’s better than Michael Douglas!

Lucinda: Colin Firth?

Bethany: It’s me, you old bat!

Lucinda: Am I hearing things now? I swear I heard my sister’s voice, but I know she’d never come up here to see me.

Bethany: Thought wrong!

Lucinda: Am I in hell?

Bethany: Sorta. This state is a hellhole.

Christina: You’re right, it can’t compete with all the charms of Florida. The meth, the gators, the hurricanes, the reactionary politicians…

Bethany: It’s got nice beaches and hot weather, what more can a retiree really ask for?

Christina: Somewhere to live that’s not in Hurricane Alley?

Lucinda: I can’t believe you’d show up here!

Anthony: Isn’t it a miracle?

Bethany: She doesn’t seem to believe it is.

Gretchen: Happy birthday, mom! Surprise!

Lucinda: Happy birthday? What, are you trying to make sure it’s my last?

Toby: Am I missing something?

Christina: Old people drama, ignore it.

Toby: It’s kinda interesting.

Anthony: Toby, go stare at that Olivia Rodrigo poster on your wall.

Toby: It’s an Ariana Grande poster!

Christina: Are we sure he’s not -

Anthony: Doesn’t matter, Toby. This is an adult concern.

Toby: Christina doesn’t have to go!

Anthony: Despite her behavior, Christina is an adult. I can’t send her to her room anymore.

Christina: I get to stay on a technicality!

Gretchen: My house, my rules. Christina, I don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here.

Toby: Ha! you gotta leave, too!

Bethany: Closing time!

Lucinda: Do you find this funny, ruining my birthday?

Christina: You treat me like a child!

Gretchen: You’re my child.

Toby: Tha-

Gretchen: Both of you get out!

Christina: We’re going, we’re going.

Gretchen: Mom, what is your problem? Your sister comes up for the first time in three years and you act like this?

Lucinda: She knows what she did.

Gretchen: Oh, god. I feel like I’m on a sitcom. Someone just say it! What unforgivable sin did aunt Bethany commit?

Bethany: Picture it: Chicago, 1961 -

Gretchen: Be serious!

Bethany: You didn’t want to hear my tale of committing a string of petty thefts in the Windy City?

Gretchen: Why is mom mad at you?

Lucinda: She left me!

Anthony: Left you? It’s not like you’re a married couple, she didn't divorce you.

Lucinda: I was just widowed, I begged her to stick around, and she left! She swore she’d call. She barely did. I had to go to Florida - Florida! - just to see my own sister.

Bethany: I was widowed, too, Lucy. When i was fifty-four. I was raising a teenager and my husband suddenly drops dead off our roof due to a massive heart attack.

Lucinda: That was ten years before you left me. That had nothing to do with the situation. I was recently-widowed and was abandoned. Gretchen took me in, like some sort of invalid.

Gretchen: That’s mean.

Bethany: When my Jerry died, I decided I was going to live my life to the fullest. Life’s too short.

Lucinda: Too short to stay and give your sister comfort in a time of need?

Bethany: I flew up for three weeks. Life has to go on, it did for both of us. You never called either. I told you to call if you ever needed anything.

Lucinda: I feared I’d be a hindrance.

Bethany: You always were so insecure.

Lucinda: What a great birthday. I’m going to my room.

Gretchen: Mom, it’s only six o’clock.

Anthony: Also, your birthday is in two days.

Lucinda: Yeah, yeah.

The next day, at work…

Hank: Carol, is the governor in?

Carol: She’s not in the mood for taunting, Hank.

Hank: I’m not here to taunt her. Her brother and sister showed up at my office.

Mary: Hi, Carol!

Carol: Hi, Mary.

Hank: Do they visit her here so little that the forgot her office number? Which is 1? Because she holds the highest office in the state?

Susana: You’ve helped enough, Hank. Thanks for bringing them here.

Hank: Happy to help. I’m not a cartoon villain like Gretchen seems to think.

Carol: Thank you for not killing them, Hank. Want a gold star?

Hank: Medal of freedom, maybe. Have Gretchen think about it!

Carol: Bye Hank!

Hank: Remember, girls. Gretchen and I have got a meeting on Monday. You’ll see me then!

Susana: Until then…

Carol: Gretchen, your siblings are here.

Susana: She’s been in the office all day, I think she might be napping.

Gretchen: Come on in! Not napping, Susana!

Susana: ’Twas a joke!

Mary and Eddie walk into Gretchen’s office.

Gretchen: Thank you for coming. I think I made a mistake.

Mary: We didn’t need to come all the way here to know that. You could’ve said that over the phone. It’s a regular occurrence.

Gretchen: You really are mom’s daughter.

Mary: You can’t joke with you!

Gretchen: Mom is very upset about aunt Bethany’s return.

Mary: I could’ve told you the much.

Gretchen: Why didn’t you?

Mary: You already paid for the airfare by the time I found out.

Eddie: What’s wrong with mom?

Gretchen: I just told you!

Eddie: I mean why is Bethany’s return so upsetting to her? They fought, but it was nothing unusual for siblings.

Mary: Remember when mom lived with me for like a month?

Gretchen: Yes, it was heaven. And it was only three weeks.

Mary: Bethany called during that time and it set her off then, too. Mom vented to me about everything that went on. She just felt abandoned in a time of need. She lost all her family that she had before we were born aside from Bethany. She just wished she could go back to a time when she still had her family intact. Bethany’s the only remaining piece of that, and she lives a on the other side of the country and went back when she still needed her around.

Gretchen: So she’s sad that Bethany’s not around much anymore, which is why she’s crying that she’s back home. Okay.

Mary: It’s just bringing up those old feelings of abandonment.

Eddie: Now I know what I’m getting her for her birthday - therapy!

Mary: This is serious!

Gretchen: How do we get past this? I just want her to have a good birthday and enjoy the time she gets with Bethany. God knows Bethany has such a busy schedule down there, between the bingo and the mahjong and the trips to Sanibel Island and the Keys. She has no time to visit Rhode Island.

Mary: We should just stage a serious sit-down between them to hash out their problems. Preferably before mom’s party. Which is tomorrow. In case you forgot.

Gretchen: I didn’t forget, Mary. I have Carol and Susana working extremely hard on it!

Eddie: Is that legal?

Gretchen: Probably. Maybe. Who cares?

Eddie: Jeanne Rivero.

Gretchen: Screw her!

Mary: So, you want us to come over tonight and see if they can get over this?

Gretchen: Sure. But let’s do it early. Aunt Bethany will probably be fully drunk by about seven.

Mary: Is she that much of a lush?

Gretchen: I don’t think usually. Dealing with mom is a lot.

Mary: Oh, I’m aware.

Gretchen: Not like I am!

Mary: And whose fault is that?

Gretchen: Yours. Thanks for sticking me with her!

Later that night, at Gretchen’s…

Gretchen: Mom, can you come out here? We have visitors.

Lucinda: I am not about to fall for that again!

Gretchen: Just get out here!

Lucinda: Fine…

Mary: Hi, mom! Happy early birthday!

Lucinda: I do prefer this surprise to last night’s. What’s brings you around, Mary?

Eddie: And Eddie!

Lucinda: Yup, sure.

Eddie: That hurts.

Bethany: They clearly came to stage some sort of intervention.

Mary: Sort of! You two need to sort this out.

Gretchen: You’re sisters, you can’t let yourselves fight over something stupid like this. Mom, Bethany dropped everything to be here for your big day. She would never abandon you.

Lucinda: I can’t help how I feel! I don’t feel important to you.

Bethany: I returned to Rhode Island just to give you a birthday surprise! I know I joke and I act like I hate you, but I care so much. You re my older -

Lucinda: Watch it.

Bethany: sister! You’ve been here my whole life, always on my side and always there to protect me and give me advice. I’m sorry you don’t feel like I’ve done the same for you.

Lucinda: It’s not that. It’s that the grief I felt, it could have been lessened if you were here. You could have helped get me out of it, but a cruise to The Bahamas was more important.

Bethany: I should have stayed longer. I can’t change the past, but I regret it so much.

Gretchen: I have a proposition.

Bethany: Let’s hear it. Maybe that governing can come in handing.

Lucinda: Don’t get your hopes up, she's not very good at it.

Gretchen: What if you, Aunt Bethany, promise to come up here at least once a year to see mom? And mom, you promise to go down to Florida to see her once a year? That way you can see each other, bond a bit, and neither of you is making an uneven sacrifice. I’ll pay for it all if money’s an issue.

Bethany: I would be more than willing to do that. I don’t like this state very much, and I’ll never get why Lucy stuck around here, but more time with my sister is always valued. Especially on her birthday! Eighty big ones! You missed my seventieth, but that’s okay! I know it’s hard to remember that I’m even that old, with how gorgeous I remain.

Lucinda: I just forgave you, let’s not push it.

Bethany: You forgave me?

Lucinda: Of course. You showed you cared, that’s all I wanted.

Anthony: Aww, this is sweet.

Mary: Damn, I’m good. Maybe I should get into counseling.

Eddie: You definitely should. I can pay for it if you want.

Mary: That joked sucked earlier and it sucks now.

Bethany: Lucy, you never committed to coming down to Florida to see me.

Lucinda: The thought is too horrifying to even think of. But I guess I’ll do it.

Gretchen: Yay, everything’s good now! What a birthday for mom! I’m such a good daughter!

Lucinda: My birthday’s not here yet. You still have to make tomorrow special for me!

Gretchen: You always have to be difficult, mom.

Bethany: That’s why we love her.

Anthony: We tolerate her.

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

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