Gretchen walks into the lobby of the Rhode Island State House.
Gretchen: Jeanne, why are you in front of my eyes?
Jeanne: Must you say that every time we run into one another?
Gretchen: Yes, I find it quite funny.
Jeanne: I find it unprofessional.
Gretchen: Get the stick out of your a-
Hank: Jeanne, do you have a minute?
Jeanne: I don’t know if I can spare the time, I’m in a very conversation with our toddler governor.
Gretchen: You think I look that young? Thank you
Jeanne: I never said you looked young. I said you act it.
Gretchen: You are so humorless!
Hank: That is not true! She’s very funny! Tell a joke, Jeanne.
Jeanne: Gretchen’s going to be re-elected.
Hank: See! Funny!
Carol: Gretchen, can you come here? I’ve been waiting to tell you something for fifteen minutes! You said you were stepping out to buy a coffee!
Hank: Is she providing cover fro you because you’re afraid of talking to us for too long? She’s a good friend, sacrificing her sanity for yours.
Gretchen: I can not stand you.
Hank: Racist.
Jeanne: Yeah, you tell her!
Gretchen: Tell me what?
Hank: Jeanne and I are the only people you refuse to speak to and we’re both people of color.
Gretchen: Jeanne is Italian!
Jeanne: We’ve suffered so much discrimination.
Gretchen: I’m Italian!
Jeanne: You're a rant traitor.
Gretchen: Not a race!
Hank: I’m black. That’s a race.
Gretchen: I don’t hate you because you’re black! I hate you because you’re an asshole! There’s a key difference.
Susana: Gretchen! Come here before this ends up on Twitter!
Gretchen: Oh, god. They’re gonna call me “Governor Karen.”
Jeanne: Write that down, Hank. That’s a pretty good one.
Samantha: What is the ruckus out here?
Gretchen: Okay, girls, I’m on my way. Can not handle three of them.
Samantha: Handle three of what? Strong-minded professionals?
Gretchen: Lunatics.
Jeanne: What a nasty woman.
In Gretchen’s office…
Carol: What was that all about?
Gretchen: Eh, same old nonsense. They always harass me.
Susana: You need to learn to just walk on by.
Gretchen: Ah, like Dionne Warwick says.
Susana: Everyone’s twitter aunt Dionne Warwick? When did she say that?
Gretchen: Carol, you need to do a better job of educating her on our pop culture legends.
Carol: She’s in her twenties. That’s up to her now!
Susana: I think we have something to educate Gretchen about thats a bit more important.
Gretchen: More important than Dionne? I think not.
Carol: So, Gretchen. You know how your campaign is -
Gretchen: A disaster? Yes, I’m well aware.
Carol: It isn't that bad!
Gretchen: I’m leading by two points, and that’s after being endorsed by someone most people in this state seem to think is the second coming of Christ. It’s bad!
Susana: A win is a win!
Gretchen: Leading by two as an incumbent when seventeen percent of voters are undecided is not what I call a “win.”
Carol: Anyway, we need a bit of help. That’s something I recognized a while ago and decided to rectify, so I started looking for a new campaign advisor to help us get a fresh perspective. I’ve settled on someone I think you'll like.
Gretchen: Is it my mother? As good as it’d be for her to get out of the house, this is just going to be a pain in the ass for me.
Susana: Her name i-
Carol: Her name’s Wendy Daley.
Gretchen: Can’t say I’ve heard of her.
Carol: She’s a Democratic operative, she worked on a few campaigns here over the past few decades. She was a DNC delegate a few times.
Gretchen: And she’s good?
Carol: I can’t really say, I haven’t worked with her before.
Gretchen: So you may have hired some hack for my campaign?
Carol: She came highly recommended.
Gretchen: By…?
Carol: People that work in state politics.
Gretchen: People supporting Jeanne? It could be sabotage!
Carol: Gretchen, I don’t think many people care enough about this to be committing sabotage. It’s a mid-level campaign hire.
Gretchen: Fine. If you aren’t worried about it, I’m not worried.
Susana: You sound worried.
Gretchen: I’m not! I’m not! I trust your mother.
Carol: Thank you.
Two nights later…
Lucinda: So, Gretchen. You look chipper today. A positive development at work?
Gretchen: Well, sort of. It’s about the campaign.
Lucinda: I know it couldn’t be anything related to her actual job. That’s not something she tends to care about.
Anthony: Why must you bully her?
Lucinda: It makes her work harder! I’m doing a service for my state.
Christina: So what happened with the campaign, mom?
Gretchen: Thank you for asking!
Lucinda: I asked first. Sort of.
Gretchen: Carol hired a new campaign advisor and she’s doing an amazing job so far. Two days on the job thus far and already so many interesting ideas that i think can really help us reach new voters.
Lucinda: Have you tried paying people to vote for you?
Gretchen: That’s illegal, mother.
Lucinda: Only if you get caught!
Gretchen: I’m pretty sure I’d get caught.
Lucinda: It’s worth a trial run.
Toby: When is it okay to break the law, grandma?
Anthony: Look, now she’s poisoning young minds. is there any low Lucinda won’t sink to?
Lucinda: I’m just saying, it’s an idea to keep in mind if things get that desperate.
Anthony: Kids, don’t listen to her.
Christina: I already don’t.
Gretchen: No one cares that I have a new campaign advisor?
Anthony: I’m sorry, honey. I was too worried about making sure our kids knew bribery was wrong.
Lucinda: I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for bribery!
Anthony: You’re not helping your case.
Christina: I’m very happy you found a new friend, mom. You usually feud with new people at work, so this is nice.
Gretchen: I only feud with a few people. Jeanne, Hank, Samantha -
Christina: Half the recent state house freshman class…
Gretchen: Are you expecting me to work with Republicans? Get real.
Christina: There were only two Republicans that got elected to the state last year.
Gretchen: And there were only five new members in total. I like three of them.
Toby: I’m confused. What are we talking about?
Christina: It’s usually hard for mom to make friends.
Gretchen: That was not at all what we were talking about.
Two days later…
Gretchen: Carol, are we meeting with Wendy again tonight? I had some ideas to bounce off of her. She’s really done a lot to get my gears turning. I’m excited!
Susana: Oh, this should be fun…
Gretchen: Why are you talking like that? Is something wrong? Is it impossible for you to just come out and say it?
Carol: Wendy was arrested last night for a DUI.
Gretchen: Wendy was what? On a Wednesday?
Carol: She was at a bar and drank too much and insisted on driving home instead of calling for help and got busted.
Gretchen: In the middle of the week?
Carol: It’s bad no matter what day of the week it happens, Gretchen!
Susana: This should come as no shock, but the media is eating this up. It was top story on the Providence news morning broadcast and it’s trending on Twitter.
Carol: It’s a PR disaster for us.
Gretchen: People get DUIs, it’s not my fault I couldn’t detect that in advance.
Carol: They’re claiming it’s a lapse in judgment for you to hire someone with such poor decision-making skills as an advisor.
Gretchen: Well, that’s a load of bull.
Susana: Obviously, we have to put out a statement.
Carol: And we have to fire her.
Gretchen: I think that’s a bit extreme.
Carol: Extreme? She’s a liability.
Gretchen: You’re the one who insisted she would be good for the campaign!
Carol: How was I to know she’d get wild and go on a binge?
Gretchen: How was I to know? I’m the one who’s being blamed for it.
Carol: Hence why we need to cut ties and move on. We can’t have her on the payroll.
Susana: I can call her and let her know.
Gretchen: I’m not a coward, I have to do it myself.
Susana: Will you be capable of it? I know you’ve taken a liking to her.
Gretchen: I’ve known her five days, I can handle it. It’s not like I’m firing my own mother.
Carol: You’d love to fire your own mother.
Gretchen: You’re right, I really would. Even thinking about kicking out of her house sends my heart racing.
Susana: You have a strange relationship with your mom.
Gretchen: Well, not all of us can have the perfect relationship the two of you have.
Carol: Stop buttering us up. Start thinking about how you’re gonna break the news to Wendy.
Gretchen: You never let me have any fun.
Later that night…
Lucinda: Gretchen! Finally you join us!
Gretchen: Mary, I didn’t realize you were coming over today.
Mary: Just a last-minute stop to see mom. And you! You matter, too!
Gretchen: You sure you didn’t come here to hear more about the Wendy Daley fiasco?
Christina: Good job, mom. Your new friend is really boosting your public image.
Mary: I did hear about your situation, but I really don’t care enough about silly gossip to drive over here for it. I’d just call if that’s what I wanted.
Gretchen: I wouldn’t mind if that was why you were here. I need advice.
Mary: Mom’s always doling that out.
Anthony: It’s always unsolicited, too.
Gretchen: Carol is telling me I have to fire Wendy.
Lucinda: I love a good firing.
Anthony: You are a sociopath!
Lucinda: Now you sound like that girl who sings that song the kids listen to. The one Toby’s in love with.
Toby: What? I am not in love with Olivia Rodrigo!
Christina: Who do you think you’re fooling?
Anthony: Stop harassing your brother.
Christina: I know, I can’t distract from mom’s ranting. She’s the only one in the house that gets to do that.
Anthony: She’s the governor, she has a lot more to rant about than any of us.
Gretchen: Y’all done or are you still going?
Anthony: We’re done you have the floor.
Gretchen: How am I going to fire this woman? I’m not good at this, it’s not something I do.
Mary: Have your campaign manager do it.
Gretchen: I have to do it myself. It’s my responsibility, you know?
Mary: I understand. You’re the one in charge, you have to assert dominance.
Lucinda: That’s why you need to just rip that bandaid off. Quickly. She walks in, you greet her, she greets you, then BAM! Scream “You’re fired.”
Gretchen: Like she’s on The Apprentice?
Lucinda: Yes!
Gretchen: I don’t think that’s right.
Anthony: No, you have to ease her into it. No one likes to be fired in such an uncaring manner.
Lucinda: No one likes to be fired. Period!
Gretchen: I love the mixed signals, keep ‘em coming.
Christina: I think you shouldn’t fire her for a mistake. Give her another shot!
Lucinda: Don’t be such a bleeding heart.
Christina: We’re supposed to be in favor of giving people second chances. Don’t cut them off for one mistake.
Gretchen: Do you know how bad that would look? I would get torched for it in the media? I’m barely winning this race so as it is. I can’t just ignore this.
Christina: Fine, fire her. She’s an elitist anyway, it’s not like she needs the job.
Lucinda: Well, that was a short fight you put up.
Christina: I just didn’t feel this one. Don’t care one way or another.
Gretchen: Why do I even ask you guys for advice?
Mary: Some of us gave good advice!
Gretchen: Sure.
The next day, at the Rhode Island State House…
Samantha: Gretchen, what are you doing in the conference room? aren’t you supposed to be rushing home to your “family?”
Gretchen: Caring about my family, what a chump I am.
Samantha: Why are you here though? I don’t usually see you in here.
Gretchen: Why are you here? Who ever has a conference with you?
Samantha: I like to come here to collect my thoughts.
Gretchen: All two of them?
Samantha: You’re a real bitch.
Gretchen: I’m having a meeting in here with someone. Couldn’t be done on state time.
Samantha: Oh, you’re talking to Wendy Daley.
Gretchen: I didn’t say that.
Samantha: Sometimes, you just know.
Gretchen: Can you go? I signed the room out, so time for you to leave me be!
Samantha: I suppose.
Gretchen: I mean now.
Samantha: Someone’s in a rush!
Fifteen minutes later, Wendy arrives.
Gretchen: Wendy, I’m so grateful you agreed to meet. It’s certainly been a whirlwind few days, hasn’t it?
Wendy: Guess you could say that.
Gretchen: I’m guessing you know why I wanted to meet with you.
Wendy: I have an inkling.
Gretchen: I know this has been a tough few days for you. It’s not easy being thrust into the spotlight and devoured by the media like this.
Wendy: I keep shifting between wanting to stop drinking entirely because of this and wanting to drink even more.
Gretchen: Yes, I can imagine.
Wendy: I want to spare you any awkwardness. I’m going to resign from the campaign effective immediately. It’s just the right thing to do.
Gretchen: Oh. You’re resigning?
Wendy: It’s unfair for you to get any further scrutiny for my poor actions. To think, I was only at the bar to celebrate the new gig.
Gretchen: On a Wednesday?
Wendy: Not my finest moment.
Gretchen: This does make things significantly less awkward between us.
Wendy: Why do you say that?
Gretchen: Well… I’d called you in here today to fire you. I had little desire to, but I was afraid it would reflect badly on me if I didn’t. The same reason you resigned, basically.
Wendy: You were going to fire me that easily?
Gretchen: It wasn’t a decision made lightly.
Wendy: I’m sure it wasn’t.
Gretchen: Please, don’t be mad. I had a great time working with you the few times we did get to work together.
Wendy: I’m not mad, I’m just sad I blew it.
Gretchen: It’ll all be okay. Just let this blow over for a while and you'll be back in politics in no time. So many people have done far worse than what you did!
Wendy: Ain’t that the truth?
Gretchen: The firing was Carol’s idea, by the way. I wanted you to stay on.
Wendy: That’s in the past now, no need to bring that back up.
Gretchen: You move on quite easily.
Wendy: You have to learn to roll with the changes. Like you said, I’ll get back on my feet before I know it. Now, I’d better get going. I’m sure you’re busy, I don’t want to hold you up any further.
Gretchen: Bye, Wendy. Take care of yourself!
Wendy: Will do. Good luck, Governor Raymond.
Wendy leaves.
Gretchen: Well, back to the drawing board, I guess.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
