It’s Opening Day for the Indianapolis Primitives. ROBERT, LORENZO, and ACE are sitting in the bullpen alongside MANNY and HARRY.
LORENZO
I wonder who our new teammates are.
HARRY
I’m not on the team.
ROBERT
I think he was talking to me and Ace.
ACE
I, for one, am not wondering who are new teammates are. I just hope they fit in.
LORENZO
There’s enough room here on this bench. Well, except for when I have to take my fifth inning nap.
ACE
I meant figuratively. In order to fit in with our bullpen, you have to be at least a little abnormal.
MANNY
For one, you’re not allowed to be good at pitching.
ROBERT
Yeah about that, shouldn’t we be at least passable at pitching by now? I mean, you ARE the bullpen coach…
MANNY
As far as I’m concerned my job is to just keep you guys out of trouble.
ROBERT
Then you’ve failed massively.
MANNY
Yup. Good thing no one else wants my job.
Everyone goes silent.
ROBERT
I never thought I’d say this, but I kinda miss Felix’s complaining about being stuck with us.
HARRY
I always knew I’d miss him. As someone who also very clearly does not see his purpose here, I can very much relate to him.
ROBERT
I wonder how Charles and Devin are doing too.
MANNY
No need to wonder. I’m sure Devin is doing just fine in the minors and given how much of a fanatic Charles is, he’ll probably be this team’s owner before you know it.
LORENZO
Hey, Jason’s walking over to us from the dugout, everyone pretend like you’re doing something!
MANNY
Are you the coach?
LORENZO
No but I’m the captain.
ROBERT
Co-captain.
ACE
Am I really the only person here without a title right now?
LORENZO
How would you like to be Assistant Co-Captain?
ACE
Deal.
LORENZO picks up a baseball and throws it awry.
MANNY
Hey Jason! How’s my favorite pitching coach doing?
JASON
Huh? Oh! About that, I’m the manager now.
MANNY
Huh.
JASON
Yeah, crazy how a talentless nobody from the bullpen can be promoted to bullpen coach, pitching coach, and then manager, but it happened! Anyways, I came here to deliver some news. And also Lorenzo, you don’t have to throw a baseball every time I come here. In fact, please don’t.
LORENZO
Yes Pitching Coach Jason.
JASON
Did you not hear anything I just said?
LORENZO
Nope.
JASON
Dear God. Oh by the way, I heard you have a big trial coming up.
LORENZO
PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME!!!!!!!
JASON
Eh what’d be the point.
LORENZO
I did nothing wrong. I think? I’m not really sure why the cops even showed up at my door but—
JASON
The cops showed up at your door?!
LORENZO
Uh…no?
JASON
Whatever, I can’t spend too much time here because I have to get back to the dugout.
ACE
Aren’t you gonna tell us the news?
JASON
Oh yeah. That. Well, you see the previous manager just quit a few weeks ago.
HARRY
I don’t know how much you remember about this place, but that does not phase these dimwits at all.
ROBERT
Also, where are our new teammates?
JASON
The front office has been focused on other parts of the field. Mainly working on getting people who can play in the games.
ROBERT
Cool, so where are the new bullpenners?
JASON
There’s a great new third baseman, have you heard about him?
MANNY
Jason, as a former manager, I’d say it’s best for you to cut to the chase.
JASON
Fine. We…kind of don’t have anyone new for the bullpen this year.
LORENZO
You mean to tell me you got rid of three of my closest friends and didn’t buy me any new friends?!
JASON
Something along those lines. Anyways, I have to get going now, have fun this year!
JASON jogs back to the dugout.
ACE
Wow. Looks like it’s just me, Robert, and Lorenzo this year.
MANNY
No. I won’t let that happen. Everyone, I don’t care what it takes, we are gonna find ourselves more people for the bullpen. Maybe not today, but very soon.
MANNY leaves.
HARRY
That’s my cue.
HARRY leaves.
LORENZO
No food, no—why can’t my name rhyme with food.
LORENZO leaves.
ACE looks to ROBERT.
ACE
You think this’ll be a good year for us?
ROBERT
We get to pick our teammates! This year’s gonna be amazing.