Bake Your Heart Out Season 4 Premiere - Previously On...

Bake Your Heart Out Season 4, Episode 1
Previously On...

December 2021. Leslie enters Paul’s office at the network headquarters.

Leslie: Paul, thank you for meeting with me.

Paul: When the show runner of my number one show asks to meet, I clear my schedule.

Leslie: Our relationship’s really strengthened over the years. I used to dread even seeing you. Now, I almost think of you as a friend.

Paul: Thank you?

Leslie: You’ve grown to respect me, and I can tell that’s not something that’s easy to pull off. I feel a bit honored.

Paul: You’re sort of buttering me up. What’s this about? I know it’s big, you asked to meet three days after Christmas.

Leslie: What if I just wanted to meet to celebrate Dame Maggie Smith’s birthday?

Paul: No sane person would request an urgent meeting for that.

Leslie: Are you insinuating that I am sane?

Paul: Good point.

Leslie: You’re right to doubt me, though. I’m am here to talk about the show.

Paul: Thank god. My wife was going to be furious with me if I came in to work for any nonsensical reason. So what’s going on with the show? Did you accidentally cast a sexual miscreant or a celebrity stalker as one of this year’s bakers?

Leslie I, uh… no, Paul. We vet our contestants.

Paul: You’d be surprised who slips through the cracks.

Leslie: That statement does not exactly fill me with joy.

Paul: We caught them eventually!

Leslie: Okay, I guess I should just bite the bullet. This is fully up to you, and I understand if you won’t go for it, but I don’t think we should film a new cycle of the show next month. Diane is not well enough to film, no matter what she says.

Paul: I thought she was getting better?

Leslie: She is making strides, but the radiation has still significantly weakened her, and the brunt of the treatment is still ahead. Plus, she’d have to fly across the country to film and set up treatment in Rhode Island when she really needs to just stay here and focus on getting healthy.

Paul: I agree, she does.

Leslie: But…?

Paul: But nothing. We’ll figure something else out.

Leslie: Paul, is that you? Paul McVann? Diane’s former sworn enemy?

Paul: I’m human, Leslie. I see someone I consider a friend -

Leslie: I don’t know if she -

Paul: I see her in a time of need, a time where we need to support and uplift her. I’m not going to force her to work when what she needs is rest. And we’re not doing the show without her, we all saw how that went.

Leslie: I was really prepared to come in here and argue with you about this. Like, I had a whole speech planned and everything I was going to remind you of -

Paul: It’s not necessary. I’m a thoughtful, respectful person.

Leslie: Leave the comedy to Sam and Diane. We should all be back and ready to joke again in summer 2022.

Paul: Must you insult me? After I just did you this favor?

Leslie: It’s who I am.

January 2022. The group is in the hospital waiting room after Diane’s cancer surgery.

Melanie: I’m so sorry I’m late, there was a traffic jam on the runway at LAX somehow and I’m just glad I’m here at all.

Frances: It’s fine, we’re just glad you’re here.

Garry: Melanie is finally in LA! Yay!

Charlotte: Garry, perhaps dial back on the jubilation? Our friend just had major cancer surgery and had part of her liver removed.

Garry: I didn’t mean to be insensitive.

Frances: And yet…

Leslie: I know we’re all on edge, but let’s not argue. It is exciting that Melanie is here.

Melanie: I only wish I could have been here earlier to support you all. I’ve been thinking about Diane, and you guys, all day.

Charlotte: Sam is in with her now, so are Diane’s kids.

Melanie: She’s out of surgery?

Leslie: Yes, she’s not conscious though.

Melanie: Understandable.

Leslie: We won’t be able to see her for a while, Sam had to tell the nurse that she and Diane were unwed committed life partners just so she could see her.

Frances: That’s technically true, they don’t do anything apart. They just don’t have sex. Not like any long-time couples do.

Garry: Excuse me?

Frances: Garry, are you really using this day to try to brag about your sex life?

Garry: No…

Leslie: You raise an interesting point, Frances. I guess Sam was telling the truth in her own unique way.

Sam: Hey, everyone.

Leslie: Sam, what’s up with Diane?

Sam: Oh, Melanie, I’m glad you made it. It means a lot that you came out here for this.

Melanie: It was hard to make the sacrifice of traveling to one of the world’s coolest places where you can run into celebrities anywhere so I can see and support my friends.

Sam: Glad that trademark wit is still there, even in times of crisis. Diane wouldn’t have it any other way.

Leslie: Speaking of which, how is Diane? You never answered me.

Sam: You know, you can be so needy.

Garry: Just te-

Sam: I know you’re not getting bold with me, Garry.

Garry: Sorry, Sam.

Sam: The doctors said that Diane did very well in the surgery and they were able to remove the tumor. They don’t know if it prove to be fail-proof, but it’s looking very encouraging. She’s not conscious yet, they say she’ll take a short while for that. Damn anesthetics.

Charlotte: I’d say the anesthetics knocking her out for a while is worth it. Would you rather she 

Sam: Yeah, well you Brits also think there’s a second “a” in the word, so what do you know?

Garry: I remember when I was put und-

Sam: Did I ask?

Garry: She’s grumpy today.

Sam: And you’re annoying. Nothing new there!

Leslie: I hope this is the end of the cancer. Diane’s been through enough these past few months, she’s owed a break. And trust me, I’ve been praying to God for it every night.

Charlotte: We’re so lucky that it was caught early when they could still perform the surgery on it. This could have been so much worse. My grandmoth-

Sam: Let’s not talk about worst-case scenarios right now.

Charlotte: That’s fair, I should be more mindful.

Sam: It’s not your fault, I’m very stressed right now and, in turn, very sensitive to anything that may add to that stress.

Leslie: Maybe we should go to the cafeteria and get something to eat so we can recharge.

Frances: I do not eat hospital cafeteria food. That’s as bad as airport food.

Garry: Ah, I love some airport cuisine.

Charlotte: I try so hard to defend you. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it.

Leslie: You can deal with it for one day, Frances. It’s not like there’s a restaurant anywhere near here for you to go to.

Frances: I won’t like it.

Leslie: You don’t have to.

Charlotte: Just get an apple if you think the prepared food is that bad.

Garry: I hate when she acts like a snot. You’re not above junk food just because you’re some fancy chef. That’s classist.

Sam: Garry, stop talking like you’re Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Garry: I’m right, don’t mock me.

Two days later, the group is walking into the hospital lobby.

Frances: You guys go ahead up, I’m going to do something first, ‘kay?

Leslie: What do you have to do? We’re in a hospital.

Charlotte: You can’t perform surgery or anything. Watching every season of Grey’s Anatomy is not a suitable substitute for years of medical school.

Frances: I have to go somewhere.

Garry: Is there someone else here you want to visit?

Frances: I liked the panini from the cafeteria, okay? You guys happy?

Sam: That’s it? I was hoping you were having a steamy relationship with a doctor or something.

Frances: I’m all out of steam.

Charlotte: That isn’t true! You’re still hot! You still have it!

Garry: My ears shouldn’t have to hear this…

Melanie: Frances, do you remember Diane’s room number?

Frances: Yes, it’s 805. Just like my area code.

Sam: She moved to a different room.

Leslie: When were you planning to tell us that?

Frances: Yeah, Garry’s dumb enough to have stopped the elevator if he thought we were going to the wrong floor.

Garry: I would not.

Charlotte: It does, admittedly, sound like something you’d do.

Garry: It does not!

Sam: I could have sworn I told you already.

Leslie: Oh boy, Sam’s getting forgetful.

Garry: This is what happens when you give her a couple months off. Her mind doesn’t get used and it starts to slip.

Sam: At least I have a mind.

Garry: You are so mean to me.

Frances: What’s the new room so I don’t get lost.

Sam: 512. Don’t get lost, please. This hospital is too big for us to track you down. Also, we dont’ care enough to do so.

Frances: Let’s reserve the jabs for Garry.

In Diane’s room…

Sam: Guess who’s here!

Diane: Paul Newman?

Melanie: Oh no, she’s lost her memory.

Diane: Oh, it’s my friends!

Charlotte: Is this better than a visit from the ghost of Paul Newman?

c I’m old friends with Joanne Woodward, me and Paul can’t do anything fun anyway.

Garry: I’m very confused.

Sam: It’s called a joke, Garry. You should be familiar with those, as you are one.

Garry: Low blow.

Diane: You know, I’ve thought about something. This cancer scare has made me really count my blessings and made me think about the way I live life.

Leslie: Diane, you can’t quit the show. Paul will kill me if you leave after I canceled filming for this cycle to accommodate your recovery.

Diane: Fully unnecessary, but the way! I would have made it work!

Garry: Don’t be silly, look at you!

Sam: Garry!

Garry: I didn’t mean it that way.

Sam: Out.

Melanie: Let him stay, I’ll keep him in line.

Diane: Anyway, I’m not leaving the show.

Leslie: Thank god.

Diane: I do, however, think it’s time for me to be a bit nice to Garry.

Garry: Aww.

Diane: I pick on you too much, bud. Time to let it go. I need to be a better person. I need to use this new lease on life to make the world a better place.

Sam: Okay, AOC…

Garry: You used that line on me a few days ago. What’s with the AOC obsession?

Sam: I haven’t seen Nicolle in like a month, I’m getting desperate.

Garry: Ew. But not in a homophobic way.

Sam: I could get you canceled for that. Know that.

Leslie: Love is love.

Frances: Did I miss anything? You guys are talking like it’s the Democratic Convention in here, so something happened.

Leslie: Garry was accidentally homophobic.

Frances: Let me tell TMZ.

Garry: He’s very sorry.

Diane: Frances, you made it! I was wondering where you were.

Frances: I had to get a snack. Famished, been here all day. Last resort for sure.

Diane: You’ve been here all day?

Frances: Fine, I like the food here.

Sam: Did you bring me any?

Diane: I can give you some, I have cottage cheese I didn’t eat from lunch.

Sam: I’ll pass, thanks.

Diane: It has apple butter.

Sam: I can’t possibly pass any harder.

Frances: So, Diane, how ya feeling? You look better! When you getting out of here?

Diane: That’s a lot of questions, even my doctors are less curious about my health.

Frances: I’m just very thoughtful.

Diane: I have at least four more days here. Feeling better, though. Feeling less cancer-y, that’s always good.

Sam: That an official medical term?

Diane: Obviously.

Frances: Are we bugging you with medical questions?

Leslie: We?

Frances: Am I bugging you?

Diane: No, but I can’t say I wouldn’t appreciate a break from them. All I hear when my nurses and doctors are in, all I hear from my kids, it’s a bit tiring.

Garry: You’re tiring her, Frances.

Frances: Shut up.

Garry: Come on!

Sam: Just because Diane’s gonna be nicer to you doesn’t mean we will be.

Diane: I wanna hear what’s up with you guys. How’s Rhode Island, Melanie?

Melanie: Still not an island.

Diane: That’s a shame, Raymond needs to get on that.

Melanie: Things are pretty good, otherwise. The Riviera’s lobby was completely redesigned, still getting used to that.

Sam: I’m sure you’re catching on faster than Garry will.

Diane: Garry, speaking of you. How’s the family?

Garry: No different than they were yesterday.

Diane: I’m going to be honest, Gar. I was so heavily medicated, you could have confessed to murder yesterday and I wouldn’t remember.

Sam: Damn, missed my chance.

Garry: Carly’s good, the baby is god. Carly’s mom is still annoying. All systems normal.

Diane: How ‘bout you, Leslie?

Leslie: Nothing really. Just gonna go to Oklahoma over the break to see my folks. Once you’re better, that is.

Diane: I’m so excited for you!

Frances: I actually have something new to share. It actually has to do with traveling as well. Need some advice, really.

Diane: Fire away!

Frances: Paul is still looking for a replacement for the spring run of Bake Your Heart Out. He pitched me an idea for a miniseries and I don’t know if I should do it or not.

Leslie: You need to! You’ll get paid to go on vacation!

Diane: I don’t know the details, but that does sound relatively ideal to me.

Frances: It’s an eight-episode series where I go on a road trip across America. It films for two months and I don’t know if I want that sort of commitment. I was pretty content with the idea of getting some rest over the break. I’m no spring chicken anymore, you know.

Diane: I think you do what you think will make you happy, but it’s a pretty good opportunity and you’ll still have plenty of time to rest and relax before we go back fir filming the next season of Bake Your Heart Out in July. If rest is all you’re worried about, do the show. See America!

Frances: America scares me. Have you seen it out there?

Diane: Yeah, it’s brutal out here.

Leslie: 12:47. What time did we get here?

Diane: What are you asking?

Leslie: Oh, we all placed bets on when you’d make your first Olivia Rodrigo reference tonight.

Diane: If you all loved me enough, you’d have brought my record player for me.

Sam: I’ll bring it tomorrow.

Diane: Thank you, dear.

Frances: I will think about it, I guess. Paul needs to think up a better name for it, though.

Diane: What’s the working title?

Frances: Fran on the Run.

Diane: Oh, that’s bad.

Charlotte: That actually made me sad to hear.

Melanie: Does he think you’re a bank robber?

Sam: Wow, you know something’s bad when Melanie is roasting it.

Charlotte: Not to take away from Frances’s wonderful new show, but I have something to share, as well.

Sam: You’ve finally renounced your British citizenship?

Charlotte: What? No!

Diane: Ignore her.

Charlotte: Remember that movie role I auditioned for? Well, I got it!

Diane: That’s wonderful!

Charlotte: It shoots in Ireland -

Sam: Not so wonderful.

Charlotte: It’ll be wrapped by July, so it wont’ interrupt filming.

Leslie: Better not!

Diane: Look at all these miracles in our lives! We are so blessed.

Sam: And Garry’s here too!

June 2022. Diane is on the phone with Sam.

Diane: Can you believe this shit?

Sam: I know, Diane. You know, for the first time in years, I actually cried.

Diane: First time in years?

Sam: Months. Months.

Diane: I’m going to a protest. Those five nutbags can’t just take our rights away and not expect us to act out.

Sam: Diane, are you sure you’re okay to protest? In the hot sun? Look, I support a woman’s right to choose, but I would prefer if you chose not to put your health in danger.

Diane: Sam, I’m in remission. I’m okay. There’s no reason it’s not safe for me to go use my God-given right to tell Amy Coney Barrett to screw right the hell off.

Sam: I’m coming with you.

Diane: I don’t need a babysitter. Plus, Leslie’s going with me.

Sam: You’ll go protest with Leslie and not me?

Diane: You worry too much about me, Leslie lets me live. You can come if you want, but you can’t act like you’re my mom.

Sam: No, you two have fun.

Diane: I’ll be safe, don’t worry!

Two hours later, Sam is on the phone with Charlotte.

Sam: You guys need to be wrapping with filming, right? Bake Your Heart Out starts back up in a week.

Charlotte: It’s going to be so close. This is a nightmare.

Sam: You’re in Ireland, what did you expect?

Charlotte: The weather has delayed filming so much, the budget is out of control, one of my co-stars got sick and pushed filming back further. I have never been involved in such a disaster. And I was on that season of Bake Your Heart Out with DeAnna Clifton!

Sam: You’re an Oscar winner! You shouldn’t have to deal with that!

Charlotte: That was my argument as well.

Sam: Yeah, things seem to be going badly everywhere. Did you hear the Supreme Court overturned Roe vs Wade?

Charlotte: I could hear Diane’s screams from my trailer.

Sam: We still have some good things going. I got some extra time away from Garry, Frances’s new show is such a hit that she’s on the cover of Travel Magazine, Leslie is -

Sam gets a call.

Sam: It’s Leslie, I gotta go.

Charlotte: I should get to bed anyway, me and Tony Hopkins have a scene together tomorrow and I need to be well-rested for it. Can’t have the critics saying he acted circles around me. Not again.

Sam answers the call from Leslie.

Sam: What’s up?

Leslie: We’re at the hospital.

Sam: What?

Leslie: Diane passed out. The doctors say she’s fine, just a bit dehydrated. She also totally overdid it and was not ready for this much physical activity.

Sam: I told her not to go!

Leslie: She’s still happy she went.

Sam: I’m glad she’s happy she went, could’ve cost her her life. Is she going to feel ups to filming next week?

Diane: I’ll be fine! It’s always one step forward, three steps back.

Sam: You drive me insane.

Diane: Thank you.

What did you think of the season premiere of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!

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