Our House Season 1, Episode 5 - Our Salted Lobster

                                                     Our House Season 1, Episode 5
                                                                Our Salted Lobster

Cindy: Come on guys, we have to get to our Valentine’s Day dinner!
Teri: You know, I still think it’s very wrong of you guys to make me stay home.
Cindy: It's a couples dinner, you know that. You had every opportunity to find a date -any date - but you didn’t so you’ll be having a fun night at home with Steven.
Teri: Just know that I’ll probably be calling later tonight, and it’s only going to be because I’ll be drunk and alone.
Cindy: You’re watching my grandson, you better not get drunk!
Teri: Fine, I’ll drink sparkling cider. But I will not resist the urge to watch whatever the heck I want to on Netflix.
Cindy: Nothing obscene!
Teri: We’ll see. I’m thinking Shameless. Or maybe Nurse Jackie. I might even crack out those Westworld DVDs I got for Christmas!
Cindy: I knew I shouldn't have sinned by buying you such and obscene show! But the sale was just too good.
Teri: Obscene? Oh come on Cindy, I’ve heard more about your sex life than I have about my own! It's like living an episode of Sex and the City with you sometimes!
Cindy: That’s a lie! I am a god fearing woman! I keep personal details to myself.
Teri: Not after a few glasses of Rosé!
Cindy: Don’t say that! It’s a lie!
Teri: Fine. I’m gonna go read a book. You guys just abandon me.
Cindy: Okay!
Karl: I’m in the car waiting for you guys! Let's go!
Cindy: We’re coming dad!
Tammi: Teri, don’t feed Steven before we get home! I promised him he could have my leftovers!
Teri: Wasn’t planning on it anyway!
The entire family hops into two cars and they head off to dinner.
Teri: Okay kid, we’re alone for sometime between two and six hours. You never know how long it’ll be when your grandma Betty is away.
Steven: What are we gonna do, Aunt Teri?
Teri: I like to yell at your mother when she calls me that, but you can feel free to. It doesn’t make me feel old when a kid says that.
Steven: Whatever you say, Aunt Teri.
Teri: So Steven, I have a plan. We’re gonna spend today watching One Day At a Time on Netflix. I was going to spend today drinking wine and eating five pints of Ben & Jerry’s while your grandma Betty had her annual Bogie and Bacall movie marathon, but I had to abandon those plans because this family doesn’t love me.
Steven: What’s a Bogie and Bacall?
Teri: That’s what you got out of that? They’re actors. Your grandma always talks about their “perfect love story” whenever she lectures me about how I’m going to die alone, which is why I can’t watch their movies anymore. The memories are too painful.
Steven: Wow.
Teri: Aaaaanyway, let’s watch One Day at a Time!
Steven: Frank always says that that show is just an excuse for diversity because Netflix is too PC.
Teri: Well, your stepfather is an idiot. 
Steven: Hey! That’s mean!
Teri: I do have to apologize Steven, I am already slightly drunk. Just slightly. I couldn’t give up the entire tradition.
Steven: I don’t think I ever want to drink alcohol. You guys are all drunks.
Teri: I am not a drunk! Only on Valentimes Day!
Steven: Valentimes?
Teri: Like I said, slightly drunk.
Steven: Aunt Teri, are we going to watch One Day At a Time or are we just going to have this awkward conversation?
Teri: I think I just got roasted by a ten year-old.
Steven: I’m eleven!
Teri: Right! I should probably put the show on now.
Meanwhile, the rest of the family pulls up at the restaurant for dinner.
Cindy: We’re here!
Betty: The Slated Lobster? I haven’t been here in ages!
Ralph: I used to work here, best job I ever had.
Betty: It’s also my favorite of your jobs. I got so much free shrimp, it was lovely.
Ralph: For the last time mom, that shrimp wasn’t free. That came out of my pay!
Betty: It couldn’t have been that much. I barely ate here.
Ralph: You came once a week for the entire second year that I worked here. You made sure I was secure in my job, and then you weaseled your way in. It’s what you did at every job I had!
Betty: That isn’t true!
Karl: Honey, it is and you know it.
Betty: It’s Valentine’s Day! You have to side with me on Valentine’s Day. Or else…
Karl: Sorry Ralph…
Ralph: Oh god! Why did I have to hear that?
Betty: I didn’t mean it like that! I meant that he’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight!
Ralph: Thank god. I still think I need to apologize to you Patty on behalf of my incredibly embarrassing parents.
Betty: Who’s Patty?
Ralph: My date! We’ve been seeing each other for three months!
Betty: Oh! How are you this fine evening, Patty?
Patty: I feel… a little invisible, but other than that I’m fantastic!
Cindy: We should tell the hostess that we're here. We need to sit down and eat soon, I’m starving.
Ralph: I can probably get us in right away, I know the hostess here.
Hostess: Hey Ralph!
Ralph: Oh hey Jeanine! Bellwood, party of fourteen is here.
Jeanine: Got it! That’ll be five minutes, they’re getting the table ready.
Ralph: Thank you Jeanine!
Jerry: What’s going on?
Ralph: Five minutes!
Tammi: What was that?
Tammi: Ok.
Five minutes later, the table is seated…
Zeke: I never really realized it, but The Salted Lobster is a weird name. Who salts lobster?
Betty: That’s a great observation. Maybe you should talk to Amelia about it. Quietly.
Zeke: I don’t know how to talk quietly.
Betty: Oh we know.
Velma: Mitchell, isn’t it great to finally go out for a romantic dinner? We were so busy visiting every diner in Central Virginia that we never got to go out to a nice place like this.
Mitchell: I think we have a different definition of “romantic.” I wouldn’t call a dinner where I'm seated across the table from my aunt “romantic.”
Velma: Agree to disagree.
Waitress: Can I get you guys started off with some drinks?
Mitchell: Yeah, I’ll have a Coke.
Waitress: We only have Pepsi products here.
Mitchell: Then drive to the store and get some Coke.
Velma: He’ll have a Diet Pepsi.
Mitchell: Diet?
Velma: Yes, diet.
Betty: Come on, it’s Valentine’s Day! Let’s get some alcohol.
Zeke: Sounds good!
Cindy kicks Zeke under the table.
Zeke: What was that for?
Cindy: He'll also take the Diet Pepsi. A bottle of red and a bottle of white for the rest of there table. I don’t care what kind.
Danielle: Hey there Billy Joel, some of us can’t afford dinner, let alone wine!
Greg, Danielle’s date: Don’t worry sweetie, it’s on me.
Danielle: I have known you for three weeks, it’s Danielle. Also, I can pay for my own damn meal. But I will also take the Diet Pepsi.
Jerry: Diet Pepsi sounds good to me too. Bring some rum along with it, please.
Waitress: So, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, four Diet Pepsis, and some rum. Is that all?
Betty: Better be.
Ralph: So, I’d say that this dinner is off to a great start so far!
Betty: We’re all with the ones we love. That’s what matters.
Greg: I sure am!
Danielle: Again, I have known you for three weeks! I do not love you!
Greg: And that’s your choice.
Danielle: You know, I think it’s best if you just leave. This clearly isn’t going to work.
Greg: Wow, dumped on Valentine’s Day for the third year in a row? What am I doing wrong?
Betty: That was cold, Danielle.
Danielle: I don’t feel like being murdered and hacked into pieces tonight, I did what needed to be done.
Cindy: You know Danielle, technically you no longer fit the requirements to be here tonight. You don't have a date.
Danielle: I’m dating myself tonight.
Cindy: That doesn’t count. But I guess you should stay since you’re already here.
Betty: That didn’t stop her from making Greg leave…
Cindy: Mom! Stop!
Waitress: Here are your drinks. Have you decided what you’ll be ordering for dinner tonight?
Velma: I’ll have the seafood ratatouille with clam sauce.
Betty: No you won’t! Everyone will be having lobster tail! You can’t come to the Salted Lobster and not order lobster!
Ralph: You did that, mom! Every week for a year, you ordered shrimp scampi, shrimp cocktails, shrimp linguini, and whatever the hell a shrimp salad is! They called you the shrimp lady!
Betty: That’s different. This is a special day, it requires a special meal.
Ralph: What’s special for you might not be special for everyone, mom.
Velma: It’s okay Ralph, I'm really okay with the lobster tail.
Ralph: No, you aren’t! You’re having the seafood ratatouille!
Waitress: I’m just gonna go tell the chef thirteen lobster tails, I feel like the lady in the green blouse is going to win this battle.
Betty: Thank you, I will win this battle. I always do!
Thirty minutes later, their food arrives…
Betty: See, look how good it looks! You’re all gonna thank me once you taste it!
Velma: Wow, this is really good!
Betty: You’re welcome!
Cindy: This wine is delicious!
Betty: We’re here for dinner, not wine!
Cindy: I know, but it’s really good. Try some!
Betty: I’ve already had two glasses!
Cindy: Two? Amateur.
Velma: Am I the only one who thinks one glass is enough.
Cindy: Yes!
Velma: I think you guys might like wine too much.
Cindy: I can stop when I want to. I just choose not to, it’s Valentine’s Day!
Velma: Why does everyone keep acting like that’s an excuse to act like an idiot?
Velma: I don’t need an excuse to act like an idiot.
Ralph: At least you admit it.
Danielle: I just want to say, as the only single person at the table -
Betty: Because you’re mean!
Danielle: I want to say that you guys have managed to make this incredibly entertaining anyway. You always do.
The family finishes their dinner and heads home.
Teri: They’re home Steven! Act like you’re bored and not like you just watched the best show on Netflix!
Steven: We didn’t just watch Stranger Things.
Teri: Oh, quiet.
The entire family bursts through the door.
Teri: Hello family!
Betty: Come on Karl, Turner Classic Movies is starting their Bogart/Bacall marathon in five minutes!
Karl: Can’t wait!
Betty runs up to her bedroom and turns on the TV.
Karl: Save me, Teri! I’ve seen all of these movies like ten times and its a seven hour marathon! I know your mother loves it and it’s tradition, but I don’t want to watch them again.
Teri: Would you like to tell Mom that?
Karl: Oh god no!
Teri: Guess you’re sailing away to Key Largo, then.
Tammi: Come to the dinner table, Steven. Food’s here!
Steven: Yay! I’m starving!
Tammi: Let me just throw it in the microwave.
Teri: Hey Cindy, where’s Zeke?
Cindy: He went to Amelia’s.
Teri: Ooooh.
Cindy: What’s that supposed to mean?
Teri: You know what’s happening over there.
Cindy: Oh god Teri, get your mind out of the gutter!
Teri: Fine. I think Mom wanted to talk to you anyway. You should go talk to her!
Cindy: Alright.
Cindy walks up the stairs and opens Betty and Karl’s bedroom door.
Betty: Oh hey Cindy! Get in here and watch some movies with us!
Cindy: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Teri: That’s what you get when you mess with Teri. An eight hour marathon of movies you’ve already seen.
Cindy: Teri, you b****!
Three hours later…
Betty: Karl, I don’t feel so well.
Karl: Surely it’s not the three slices of cheesecake and two brownie bites you ate.
Betty: I’m serious! I think I'm going to be -
Betty runs off to the bathroom and throws up.
Karl: I’m starting to feel sick, too.
Cindy: Me too. I think I’m burning up.
Downstairs, the rest of the family is also starting to feel sick.
Danielle: I think I’m going to puke.
Tammi: Same here..
Teri: Get to the bathroom! I ain’t cleaning your messes up!
Ralph: I think we all have food poisoning.
Mitchell: You’re the one that used to work at that trash restaurant, what the hell were they doing there?
Jerry: Don’t just throw the word hell around!
Velma: Shut up, Jerry! We have bigger problems right now!
Ralph: I never worked with their current chef, looks like he’s incompetent.
Just then, Zeke runs through the door.
Zeke: Amelia got sick and I bolted. What’s going on here?
Teri: RUN!
Zeke: Why?
Teri: Because you’re about to get sick too and I don't want you to puke on my carpet!
Zuke throws up.
Teri: I told you to run…
Steven: Does this mean I’m going to get sick too?
Tammi: Oh sweetie. Yes, it does.
Teri: Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!
Six hours later…
Betty: Teri, I need the remote!
Velma: Teri, I need something to drink!
Zeke: Teri, I need some booze!
Cindy: Teri, read my my last rites! I’m not gonna make it.
Mitchell: Teri, I fell out of bed and I’m too weak to get up!
Karl: I love you, Teri!
Ralph: Teri, Frank won’t turn off Fox News!
Cindy: Teri, I need help getting downstairs!
Steven: Aunt Teri, bring my my tablet! I want to watch Netflix!
Teri: Mom, I’ll be up. Velma, I’m getting it. Zeke, you’re getting ginger-ale. Cindy, you aren’t dying! Mitchell, you’re sleeping on the ground tonight. Dad, I love you too. Frank, lay off the Hannity. Cindy, suffer through it like I had to for the past decade. Steven, I’ll get it soon. Any other requests?
Betty: Actually, I’d l-
Teri: I wasn’t being serious! You guys have been making me run around for six hours and I’ve cleaned up more puke than I ever wanted to in my life. I need to sit down eventually.
Karl: I appreciate what you’re doing, Teri.
Teri: Thank you, you’re the only one that’s said anything like that.
Teri starts walking up the stairs to get the controller for Betty when she collapses from exhaustion.
Betty: Teri, what was that sound? Teri? Teri? Answer me Teri!
Zeke: I think she’s dead.
Jerry walks up the stairs to check on Teri.
Jerry: No, she has a pulse.
Betty: Alright then, just let her be.

What did you think of the episode? Comment your thoughts below and make sure to catch a new episode next Thursday!


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