Marietta Season 1, Episode 11 - I’ll (Keg) Stand By You

      Marietta Season 1, Episode 
     I'll (Keg) Stand By You

Tammy: Marietta, you have to hurry.
Marietta: I have plenty of time.
Tammy: The picnic starts in 15 minutes and it’s a 10 minute drive. Couple that with the traffic and we’re already twenty minutes late. So you need to get in the car now because any later than that and they might think we’re dead.
Marietta: They won’t think we’re dead.
Tammy: At the very least they’ll think you’re rude.
Marietta: Fine, let’s go. I don’t even know why I need to go, though.
Tammy: The Annual Jackson Square Picnic and Barbecue is a huge deal! Every mayor has attended it since it was first started. Or so I have been told.
Marietta: You have been lied to. It’s just a day for a bunch of rich people to pretend they’re in touch with the “common” folk that live in the city so they can feel good about themselves.
Tammy: Either way, we need to look good. Amy Applewhite’s going, and she’ll make sure to make you look like a fool if you skip it. Plus, you’ll be able to outshine her easily. Unlike our planned takedown of her at that debate that got canceled.
Marietta: I still think that was done on purpose.
Tammy: You think Amy Applewhite gave the moderator the flu on purpose?
Marietta: Stranger things have happened. Speaking of strange, is Mom going with us to this? I know she loves all of these hokey traditions.
Tammy: She’s going with Milton. Something about him loving her more or something.
Marietta: How about dad? Is he going?
Tammy: He’s staying home to watch the Saints game.
Marietta: It’s Saturday!
Tammy: Evidently he knows that I have very little knowledge about football and that he can get away with lying to me about it.
Marietta: Nope, that’s always his excuse. Even if it’s a Tuesday in July.
Tammy: Why wouldn’t he want to go to this? It’s supposed to be fun!
Marietta: Did my mother tell you that?
Tammy: Yes, she did.
Marietta: That’s because she’s one of the snobby rich folks who wants to pretend she isn’t out of touch with the city. She’s been like this ever since she retired from the New Orleans City Council twenty years ago.
Tammy: Your mom isn’t a snob. She’s so nice. Except at Christmas, then she’s insane.
Marietta: You haven’t seen her at a public function yet. She is something else.
Tammy: She can’t be that bad.
Marietta: Just wait.
Tammy: Can we go now? We’re going to be so late and it’ll be a huge PR headache if Amy gets to talk to the news before you.
Marietta: Yeah, let’s go before mom spontaneously combusts.
Meanwhile, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Martin: Patty Lynn, aren’t you going to the picnic today?
Patty Lynn: Oh no! I forgot that was today.
Martin: Why are you still in bed?
Patty Lynn: I’ve been up all night with a stomach bug.
Martin: Then maybe you shouldn’t be going to the picnic. It’s 80 degrees outside and you might not be able to enjoy it.
Patty Lynn: I can’t miss it! Marcy Cantor won’t let me live it down when we have our monthly book clubs. She’s always had it out for me.
Martin: Who cares what Marcy Cantor thinks? You’re the mother of a former US Senator and the mayor of New Orleans. She’s the mother of a Walmart cashier and a gas station attendant.
Patty Lynn: According to Marcy, her children are better than ours because they haven’t been “nationally embarrassed” like Marietta.
Martin: Why do you hang out with this woman?
Patty Lynn: She’s my friend!
Martin: Okay, dear.
Patty Lynn tries to dress herself, but ends up putting her shirt on inside out and putting on a pair of pajama pants.
Martin: I really don’t think this is a good idea. You can’t even dress yourself, Patty Lynn.
Patty Lynn: I can dress my self!
Martin: Your pants have Mickey Mouse heads on them.
Patty Lynn: They do? Yeah, maybe I should stay-
Patty Lynn’s stomach begins to act up again and she rushes off to the bathroom.
Martin: I suppose I should call Milton and tell him to go without you.
Patty Lynn: Hey Martin, wasn’t the Saints game supposed to be on right now?
Martin: Oh, that! I’m gonna turn it on right after I call Milton!
At the picnic…
Marietta: Where are Mom and Milton?
Tammy: Who knows?
Marcy: Hello Marietta! I haven’t seen you in ages! How’s unemployment treating you?
Marietta: Oh hey Marcy. I’m only unemployed in the classic sense of the word. I’m still working for the people of New Orleans.
Marcy: That’s right, you’re running for mayor? I forgot, I’m supporting Amy Applewhite. I was friends with her grandmother.
Marietta: The one that she gave a primary challenge to for her city council seat?
Marcy: That’s the one.
Marietta: Bless your heart.
Marcy: Right back at you. On an unrelated note, where is Patty Lynn?
Marietta: I’m not sure. She’s probably just running late.
Marcy: She’s a half hour late already. Not a good look for her.
Marietta: I’m sure she’ll be here any minute now. She wouldn’t want to miss all this fun!
Marcy: Well it was real nice talking with you but I better get going. Louise and Eleanor are waiting for me. We’re helping to set up the stage for Amy’s speech.
Marietta: That’s nice. See ya, Marcy.
Marcy walks away.
Tammy: Who was that?
Marietta: Marcy Cantor. My mom’s rival. They both hate each other but like to pretend to like each other. It’s been that way for like thirty years.
Tammy: Why have I never heard of her before now?
Marietta: Because she’s a terrible person and I have never been able to tolerate her. But she’s in Mom’s book club, so I put up with her when I have to. Otherwise she’d probably turn the rest of their friends against Mom.
Tammy: Does Patty Lynn act as weird around her as you do?
Marietta: Much weirder. She starts talking all fancy like it’s the 1800s and she dresses weird and the whole thing is just strange. It’s why I hate coming to these functions. They’re always here and she’s always weird.
Tammy: How does Martin do it?
Marietta: He just remembers that if he would ever finally snap and murder her, he’d never be able to watch a Saints game again. That’s enough to make him put up with her. Also he “loves her” and “adores her.” Blech.
Tammy: It’s almost 1 o’clock. There’s no way she’s be this late and just not tell us.
Marietta: Oh, there is a way. She probably forgot all about me because she’s so worried about Marcy.
Just then, Milton rushes in.
Marietta: Where’s mom?
Milton: I’m sorry I’m late! I went to pick Mom up, but Dad told me that she was busy puking her guts out in the bathroom, so she’s not coming. Then, I got stu-
Marietta: Mom is missing the picnic?
Milton: I’m glad you’re so worried about me!
Marietta: You’re here, you’re alive, that’s all that matters.
Milton: So, how’s the picnic going?
Marietta: This is the worst thing I’ve ever been to. A bunch of snobs just sitting around hogging the good tables, leaving regular people to fight over which bench they get to eat their complimentary po’ boy and chips on. A true blast.
Milton: Why are you so miserable?
Marietta: Because it’s hot and it’s February and I miss DC because at least we had seasons there!
Tammy: Shut up!
Marietta: What?
Tammy: You can’t say that you miss DC? Do you know the kinds of attack ads they’ll run about you? You’re already a liberal elite! Now you’ll an out-of-touch liberal DC elite!
Marietta: Good point.
Tammy: If you’re so bored, I have news for you! Some students and teachers from the local college are here to meet with you. You’ll be posing for a photo op with Clay Higbert, the football coach and his son Patrick, their star quarterback and you'll also take a group photo with everyone from the school.
Marietta: Finally, my favorite part of campaigning: meeting people! And real people too!
Tammy: I know, it’s lovely. Let me introduce you to Clay.
Clay: Hi Senator Landfield, I’m a huge fan of yours. I voted for you in your last election, I’m sorry that didn’t turn out so well.
Marietta: Oh it’s fine. I just appreciate your support.
Clay: This is my son Patrick, he’s also a fan of yours.
Patrick: Hello, madam Senator. I did not vote because I forgot to, but I would have if I remembered.
Marietta: That’s touching. Really tocuhing.
Tammy elbows Marietta.
Marietta: Ouch! What was that for?
Tammy (under her breath): Behave yourself.
Clay: Senator Landfield, your friend sure is strange.
Marietta: She sure is.
Marietta walks off to greet the rest of the college students and teachers.
Tammy: She needs to stop with the backhanded compliments and the condescension, it makes her look unlikable and rude.
Milton: I’m her brother and trust me, she has never been likable.
Tammy: Milton! This is serious. She is a woman, and there are different rules for us on the campaign trail. We need to seem ladylike, but not too ladylike because then we’re weak. We need to seem tough and strong, but not too tough or strong because then we’re b***hes. We need to be personable, but not too personable because then we’re trying too hard. What she’s doing right now is not working.
Marietta: Hey Tammy, look at me!
Tammy looks over to see Marietta doing a keg stand with the college students.
Tammy: Marietta!!! WHAT are you doing?
Marietta: I’m just… meeting people.
Tammy: No, you’re making a fool out of yourself!
Milton: Tammy, calm down.
Tammy: Don’t tell me to calm down! Marietta, get the hell off of that!
Marietta: Fine. I was just having a little fun.
Marcy: Oh, look at Marietta Landfield! So classy, just like her mother taught her.
Louise: She should be embarrassed.
Eleanor: I’m sure she is.
Tammy: Listen ladies, I get to talk about how embarrassing the things that she does are because I’m her friend. You are nothing, so shut up.
Milton: Woah.
Tammy: I’m leaving, Marietta, and I suggest that you do too before you do something else that’s wildly inappropriate.
Marietta: Alright, let’s go.
Tammy: No, I’m going back to my hotel. You can go home.
Marietta: Tammy, come on. It was just a little fun.
Tammy: No, it’s not. It’s the whole campaign. You aren’t taking it seriously and I’m sick of it. I just need time to cool off.
Milton: Tammy, she really didn’t do anything wrong. She’s a grown woman and she can’t make her own choices.
Tammy: I’m her campaign manager and I want what’s best for her. I just need her to realize that she’s acting far too childish to win.
Milton: She’s letting loose now because she couldn’t for two decades. Let her have some fun.
The next morning…
Patty Lynn: Hey Martin, could you turn on the news for me?
Martin: Sure dear.
TV: This is The Spin Zone, with Dan Freberg and Sarah Pratt.
Dan: Hello and welcome to The Spin Zone. Our top story tonight is -
Patty Lynn: Oh, is that Marietta on there?
Dan: comes out of New Orleans. Former Louisiana senator Marietta Landfield, who is running for mayor of New Orleans, was caught on camera earlier today doing assisting college students with keg stands and then doing one herself at a local picnic. This has caused controversy online and within the city, with many calling her actions inappropriate. One of those people is Marcy Cantor, chair of the New Orleans Women’s Society and a supporter of Landfield’s opponent, Amy Applewhite. 
Sarah: Marcy Cantor and Amy Applewhite are in The Spin Zone with us tonight. It’s good to have you on the show with us, ladies.
Patty Lynn: I think I’m going to be sick.
Martin: Use the garbage can!
Marcy: I’m glad to be here, Sarah and Dan.
Dan: Mrs. Cantor, you were one of the first to condemn Senator Landfield’s actions, taking to Twitter and calling it “unbelievably inappropriate and unbecoming of a politician.” Do you care to elaborate?
Marcy: Well Dan, this was a community event for families. To see a former US Senator using this event as an opportunity to party and get drunk is very upsetting and it shows her true character
Sarah: Councilwoman Applewhite, you are Senator Landfield’s main opponent in the race for mayor. Polls show you over thirty points behind her with a polling average of 14%. How do you respond to critics who say you’re blowing today’s events out of proportion as a way to boost your campaign?
Amy: I think that’s a ridiculous spin by Senator Landfield’s supporters who would rather see an irresponsible, far-left person as mayor than a responsible civil servant who just happens to be a centrist.
Sarah: You didn’t really answer my question, councilwoman.
Amy: That’s because it’s simply ridiculous. I don’t need to spin yesterday’s events, they tell their own story.
Dan: Councilwoman Applewhite, 77% of respondents to our own CNC poll said that Senator Landfield’s actions were inappropriate. What do you say to the 23% that don’t see anything wrong with it.
Amy: Dan, I think they should ask themselves “Would I want my child doing that?” And if you’re a good parent, you’d say no. I don’t think many would disagree with that. It just shows that she cares more about partying than governing.
Dan: Your state’s own junior Senator, Betty Benoit, also condemned the action, even though she was photographed doing the same thing in her yearbook. What do you have to say about that?
Amy: I’m not interested in defending Senator Benoit, she can defend herself. But I would say that was a different time, over 30 years ago, and she’s evolved since then. Senator Landfield did her keg stand yesterday. It’s all about timing.
Patty Lynn: Turn something else on Martin, I can’t take this anymore.
Martin: I turned other things on in the living room. A lot of people are talking about it. The View, the Today show, CBS This Morning, Morning Joe. Basically everyone. But Joy Behar and Hoda Kotb thought it was “fun,” so not everyone is against her.
Patty Lynn: Of course Hoda thought it was fun, she gets drunk at 9 in the morning!
Meanwhile, Marietta has just woken up for the day and heads to get the daily paper. She notices an envelope taped to her mailbox.
Marietta: What is this?

Dearest Marietta,

Getting to know you over the pasty two decades has been a gift, and I thank you for the kindness you’ve shown me. Being your campaign manager has been a true honor. It’s been so much fun working with you, and I’m so happy you asked me to be work for your campaign. However, yesterday’s events have me thinking. Though our beliefs are practically identical, our political styles are incredibly different. It’s for that reason that I must depart your campaign, effective immediately. I am on my way home to Upstate New York as you read this, before Mitch and I take an extended vacation to Los Angeles. I’ve been working so long with no real break, and it’s time for me to get some rest and relaxation. Thank you for everything, and don’t hesitate to call me next month when I return.

P.S. - Our fundraiser in New York is still on! Don’t forget about it!

With love,

Marietta: Oh. My. God. She’s gone.

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