Olivia walks into the sitting room at Buckingham Palace.
Olivia: I’m already getting sick of this. What could this be about?
Claude: My idiot son.
Olivia: Whatever he did, I have nothing to do with it, I am entirely innocent.
Christine: No one is blaming you, for once.
Claude: We’re all here now, so I can begin.
Olivia: This is it? And here I thought I was early!
Claude: No, you’re very late.
Olivia: What else is new?
Arthur: This is a secret meeting. What is said in this room does not leave this room. Not to spouses, not to children, not to anyone.
Olivia: That feels directed at me seeing as you and Christine are here.
Ethan: Selina isn’t.
Olivia: And thank god. I’m wearing a sleeveless dress, I’d have caught a chill if she were in the room.
Ethan: She’s a wonderful person if you get to know her.
Olivia: She’s a person?
Claude: Olivia! This is serious! No messing about!
Olivia: Do you even know me?
Christine: I often wish I didn’t.
Claude: We have a Nathan problem.
Eleanor: I just want to be on the record saying I do not agree with him about this.
Claude: Anyone with eyes can see it, mother!
Eleanor: I wish you’d just respect my opinion rather than lashing out.
Claude: I’m not lashing out!
Olivia: You are a little…
Claude: Stop trying to cause trouble!
Olivia: I wasn’t the one lashing out at mum!
Ethan: Another peaceful day at the Palace!
Christine: Dear, just ignore them and get to the point. It’s critical that you’re able to get your point across quickly. He could show up at any moment!
Olivia: Why are we talking about him like he’s Beetlejuice and will show up if you say his name too many times?
Claude: All right, Nathan and Alicia have received their own Netflix deal, complete with a documentary series.
Olivia: Oh? All right!
Claude: It’s not all right!
Ethan: May I ask why?
Eleanor: I don’t personally see an issue with it.
Arthur: Gran, you know what Netflix is?
Eleanor: I’m far more “hip” than any of you want to believe!
Claude: Netflix has promised it will be an “in-depth look” at Royal life, exposing little-known secrets of our family and giving glimpses into Nathan and Alicia’s lives.
Eleanor: I am beginning to understand the reservations that some had about this Netflix situation.
Claude: It isn’t good! We don’t need the whole world knowing all of our business.
Olivia: They can’t film us on our own property without our permission.
Claude: Nathan and Alicia can just blab about us! We don’t need to be on film for them to expose all of our secrets.
Olivia: Methinks the king doth protest too much.
Ethan: No, I actually do have to agree with him. This is a problem.
Olivia: What deep, dark secrets do we have to keep from the world?
Elaine: Many.
Olivia: That those two know about? All they care about is photoshoots and magazine covers! If I told them a royal secret, it’d be in one ear and out the other.
Claude: I just think this can only lead to problems.
Christine: Part of our allure is our mystery. You take away the mystery that surrounds us, you take away the interest people have in us.
Olivia: I don’t know if I agree.
Claude: I do!
Olivia: Of course you do. What is the plan to get this to stop? Are you planning to issue a royal decree? Will you ask the prime minister to pass a law outlawing deals with Netflix?
Claude: We’re going to sit him down and have a talking-to with him.
Olivia: Oh, that’ll do it! Claude, he’s an adult! And adult who can make his own business decisions. I know what I’d do if you told me to do that!
Claude: You would disobey me?
Olivia: Do we not all remember my six-month “pause” from this family?
Christine: To be fair, you disobey him so much, it’s easy to forget the one single instance.
Ethan: But we wouldn’t want it any other way!
Christine: I’d disagree.
Claude: I think it’s critical that we stop this, for the sake of our public image. We’re already on thin ice.
Olivia: Again, I ask, how do you plan to accomplish that? Will you be threatening to disown him if he tells the world any precious family secrets or threatens to distort our “perfect” image?
Claude: I would never! A father-son heart-to-heart, where I point out how upset I feel this is something of a betrayal, is all it will take.
Olivia: Throwing a fit about this and pouting won’t help, because trust me, he’ll make sure to tell the world that we didn’t want him making his little documentary if you try and stop him.
Eleanor: I think I shall gently nudge him not to make this documentary. Sometimes it takes the wisdom of a grandmother to help one see the error in their ways.
Olivia: All right, so I don’t think we’re going to come to any agreement here, and I am going to leave, as this is far from an “emergency.”
Claude: You are dismissed, Olivia.
Olivia: Thank you!
Claude: And again, this doesn’t leave this room.
Olivia: There was nothing much said, not sure what I could possibly spill! But I won’t speak of it!
The next morning…
Fred: Would you look at that? Your family’s in the news again!
Olivia: Good or bad? You know what? I see the smirk, I know it’s bad.
Fred: “ROYAL RIFT?”
Olivia: Oh boy.
Fred: “Royal Family in turmoil over Nathan and Alicia’s new documentary, as King fights to stop it.”
Olivia: Not ideal.
Fred: What is all this about?
Olivia: Nathan and Alicia are making a documentary with Netflix, and Claude is panicking that it’s going to expose the family’s secrets. It’s so stupid, but he’s dead-set on stopping it. And now, someone’s leaked our conversation from yesterday to the press!
Fred: I’m sure they’ll react normally to all of this.
Olivia: It wasn’t me, that’s all I know. That’s all anyone needs to know!
Fred: I suppose there’s going to be another emergency meeting?
Olivia: God, I didn’t even think of that. I need a drink.
Fred: It’s eight in the morning!
Olivia: I meant tea!
Fred: I was quite scared for a second there.
Olivia: I’ll be honest, I still don’t get why they were so worked up about this documentary. Then again, I didn’t get why they were upset about my book. In fact, I think my book was a worse betrayal!
Fred: They disowned you for it, though.
Olivia: Yes, but they forgave pretty easily! So why the fuss about this?
Fred: I don’t know, your family is insane.
Olivia: That’s not polite. It’s true, but it’s not polite.
Later that day, Olivia heads to Buckingham Palace and is stopped by a reporter.
Reporter: Your Majesty! What do you say to the reports that there’s a rift in your family over your nephew’s plans to make a documentary series?
Olivia: They’re all false. Just heinous lies made up by a rag looking for renewed relevance. It’s pathetic what some will do just to sell some newspapers. I understand that sales are down and they need all the help they can get, but this is real life. We’re a real family. They’re trying to cause a problem within my real family. It makes me sick. I condemn this reporting in the strongest possible terms.
Reported: Okay, no words minced there!
Inside the palace…
Christine: It was you, wasn’t it?
Olivia: It wasn’t me!
Claude: Do you know the crisis I’ve got on my hands now thanks to whoever leaked this?
Mandy: Who are you?
Olivia: Cousin Mandy, it’s Olivia.
Mandy: Colman?
Olivia: Who let her in here?
Arthur: I don’t know, she just wanders on her own. You can’t pin her down.
Claire: I’ve tried!
Mandy: Why is everyone shooting?
Claude: We’re not shouting, your hearing aids are just turned up too high!
Eleanor: I hope I’m not like that when I’m old.
Ethan: Mother, you’re already old.
Eleanor: I’m vintage.
Ethan: I respect the rebrand.
Selina: I let you all have ONE meeting without me - ONE - and this is what happens! I don’t even understand what this controversy is about, but now I’m being dragged into it.
Ethan: No one dragged you into it, dear.
Selina: They’re interrogating all of us to see if we leaked!
Christine: It’s plausible you did it as payback for not inviting you. Of course, it would be tragic if Ethan were implemented in this, too.
Ethan: I didn’t tell her anything!
Christine: We’ll see!
Olivia: Is that what this is about? You’re trying to see if I leaked the story to the press? I would never! Those people are animals!
Eleanor: Dear, you are the one who wrote a book about us all.
Olivia: That was one time!
Claude: It was an embarrassing breach of royal protocol, and now here’s another.
Olivia: On the plus side, we don’t have to be as worried about Nathan’s documentary, not when we’ve got a leaker in the family to tell us everything!
Claude: The leaker only exposed this one story, Nathan’s still a problem!
Nathan: A problem?
Claude: Oh no. You weren’t meant to hear that.
Nathan: I read the story! I hear you’re quite upset about our documentary. You called a family meeting about it! One that did not include me.
Eleanor: It was a very detailed article, wasn’t it?
Nathan: It told me so much! So many thoughts my family was keeping in! None of you trust me! Except you, aunt Olivia!
Olivia: We’ve both got that rebellious spirit!
Ethan: I would never speak ill of you.
Nathan: Can it.
Claire: I want it on the record, I was not involved in this.
Arthur: He read the article, dear, he knows.
Claire: I trust you!
Christine: Now you’re just kissing arse.
Mandy: That reporter lady was so nice!
Ethan: What did she just say?
Eleanor: Is the leaker… Mandy?
Christine: She does wander.
Claude: I didn’t even see her in there yesterday!
Eleanor: She hides behind curtains sometimes.
Olivia: So this is all a great, big misunderstanding. I did directly lie to the press, but that’s in the spirit of the family.
Nathan: That doesn’t resolve the fact that you all distrust me!
Gigi: Join the club, man! We weren’t invited either!
Nathan: The whole meeting wasn’t about stopping your Netflix documentary because you don’t care about the family’s wellbeing!
Claude: My dear son, I know you care about us. You just have a habit of saying things that aren’t always wise to share with the world. I was worried that that may be replicated in this documentary series.
Nathan: I wouldn’t expose any precious family secrets. It’s just meant to give a look into the lives of Alicia and I. It’s nothing to do with any of you.
Christine: Some of us, and I think it’s a ridiculous sentiment, but some of us think that giving too much of a snapshot into our lives takes away our allure and makes them lose interest in us. We’re meant to be mysterious.
Nathan: Mum, that was you.
Christine: Dammit, Mandy!
Mandy: What did I do?
Olivia: Oh, nothing. This is incredibly entertaining.
Claire: I must admit, it is quality entertainment, as someone also left out of the family summit.
Gigi: I’m ashamed by some of you, taking pleasure in this tragic moment! Is it funny? Yes! Is it ridiculous that this family even went into a spiral about a Netflix fluff piece to begin with? Also yes! But Nathan was genuinely hurt, we need to consider his feelings.
Claire: I apologize, Nathan.
Nathan: No, you’re not the ones that need to apologize. You didn’t do anything. It’s the rest of you, aunt Olivia excluded, who only saw the worst in me. You couldn’t just give me the benefit of the doubt?
Claude: I could not be more sorry. I wish it hadn’t resorted to this public spectacle.
Eleanor: Mandy…
Mandy: I did nothing wrong!
Claire: You did, you just don’t remember. But that’s okay, you’re entitled to a mistake or two every now and then.
Eleanor: Not like this…
Nathan: How about this? You all allow us to make our documentary and I agree to give you the final approval on its content? Anything questionable that you object to, I’ll have cut it out.
Claude: That works!
Christine: I still say -
Nathan: Mum, I don’t care.
Christine: I thought so.
The next morning…
Fred: Oh look, dear! They’re calling you a liar one the front page of the paper!
Olivia: Is it such a crime to try to protect one’s own family?
Fred: I would never call you a liar! The press, however…
Olivia: I regret nothing. It felt good to attack them a little bit!
Fred: They’re suing you for defamation.
Olivia: Lovely.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next Monday!
