Olivia and the Royal Family are standing on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.
Olivia: You know, I’m going to miss you all this week.
Eleanor: Olivia, this is being broadcast on television, be quiet!
Olivia: They can’t hear us!
Eleanor: They can see us!
Olivia: I’m not going to be bossed around. I’m seventy years old!
Christine: Seventy-two.
Olivia: You’re right behind me, so don’t rub it in too much!
Christine: Two whole years!
Claude: Ladies, behave yourselves. Our troops are marching before us, we owe them respect.
Ethan: You just don’t want us to mess up your birthday parade.
Claude: Who would?
Olivia: You’re not going to see me for an entire week, you should all enjoy the time you get with me now?
Selina: I’m going to enjoy the week away from you and spend it all dreading your return.
Claire: I’ll miss you!
Arthur: Don’t kiss up to her too much, it inflates her head.
Claire: I think you’re all too tough on her.
Olivia: Yes! I agree! Everyone is too hard on ole’ Olivia!
Eleanor: You all need to be quiet! Why are you all talking? We look ridiculous!
Arthur: Gran, you were among the first to start talking.
Eleanor: I was trying to silence the disruptive one.
Olivia: Ooh, “the disruptive one,” I like that nickname.
Eleanor: It wasn’t meant as a compliment.
Olivia: When life gives one lemons…
Claude: Can we all just wait to say our farewells or… whatever until this parade is over?
Olivia: I, uh, sure.
Claude: Thank you! Now, smile and nod.
Selina: I’m smiling thinking of the week she’ll be in the States! Can we keep her there?
Olivia: No, I find their immigration process ridiculous. Why do I need to know what year yours stupid country threw a fit and demanded independence?
Claude: Olivia…
Olivia: Sorry, sorry.
The next day, on Olivia’s flight to the United States…
Fred: Madame Prime Minister, I truly want to thank you for letting us fly in with you.
Meredith: It’s no problem at all! In fact, it’s an honor to fly with you lot!
Midge: She wasn’t about to turn down the chance to spend eight hours hanging out with all of us, were you miss PM?
Meredith: Who are you again?
Olivia: Meredith, you’ve met her dozens of times!
Meredith: I’m not good with names!
Gigi: Or anything else…
Todd: Come on, Geej, that’s practically my mum-in-law.
Gigi: Your mum-in-law is a moron, Todd.
Olivia: Would you both shut up?
Gigi: Yes, mother…
Olivia: See, I hate when MY mother says that to me, which is often, but it’s such a wonderful feeling saying it to children of your own.
Meredith: What were we talking about again?
Midge: You don’t know who I am.
Meredith: Ah, right! Anyone care to explain?
Olivia: She is my press agent and personal assistant, she helped make the arrangements for this UN visit.
Midge: I’m very good at my job.
Gigi: Not quite good enough to stop mum from ending up on the front page of the rags because she called them out for running the only true story they’ve ever run about our family.
Midge: Some things in life are pre-destined. Your mother sticking her foot in her mouth at least once a month is one of those things.
Olivia: Hey, I’m right here!
Midge: And I said it to your face, as one should!
Todd: I’m going to look foolish -
Gigi: Wouldn’t be the first time.
Todd: What are we going to New York for? I know you’re addressing the UN, but about what?
Olivia: I’m speaking on behalf of the King, discussing his clean air initiative.
Gigi: Why are we bringing her along, then?
Meredith: I’ve got an interview on The Tonight Show.
Gigi: Oh…
Fred: Wait, Meredith… you’re flying across the ocean to do a talk show interview?
Meredith: Why would I not?
Fred: I assumed you had official business to tend to, like Olivia.
Meredith: Am I not allowed to have fun just because I’m the Prime Minister?
Fred: Um…
Meredith: You seem a bit judgmental today, Frederick.
Gigi: I think he has reason to be. This is sort of a waste of taxpayer money. This is an official government plane.
Meredith: I’m the prime minister!
Gigi: On a private visit, though
Meredith: If it makes you feel any better, I’m flying to DC the day after my interview to meet with the President. Then I’m flying back to pick you lot up!
Olivia: You know, you’re welcome to come to the UN with me. I’m sure they’d love a visit from you!
Meredith: I don’t think so, but I appreciate the offer.
Olivia: If you change your mind…
Meredith: I won’t! I just can’t say I agree with His Majesty’s initiative.
Olivia: You don’t approve of clean air?
Meredith: I obviously approve of clear air! Why am I being put on the spot? It’s my plane!
Todd: We should talk about something less stressful! Has anyone else watched the new Superman?
Meredith: I don’t like superhero films.
Olivia: Do you like anything? Besides tanking the economy and looking foolish on the floor of the House of Commons.
Meredith: I usually enjoy spending time with you, but you’re in a bad mood today.
Todd: Don’t mind her, she loses her mind whenever she travels.
Olivia: That’s not true!
Fred: It’s fairly true.
Norah: What if we sing a song?
Gigi: I will crash this plane.
Norah: All right, no singalong.
Olivia: I need to finalize my speech.
Midge: I’ve already finished it!
Olivia: It’s supposed to be my speech, Midge.
Midge: I know, but I don’t need you stressing about it. This is a vacation for you. It’s work for me.
Olivia: Ah, Midge. Let me see it.
Midge: I’m quite proud of it.
Olivia: “Hear ye, hear ye.” This is not off to a strong start.
Midge: That part’s just a joke!
Olivia: I’d hope.
Gigi: I hope she reads that part on the floor of the UN.
Olivia: Why must you root for your mother to embarrass herself?
Gigi: It’s fun!
Norah: It really is not. Not when she constantly does it.
Meredith: How would you know?
Gigi: I have a hunch.
Later that night…
Olivia: Isn’t this wonderful, Fred?
Fred: What?
Olivia: Look at this view of the city at night! The city that never sleeps!
Fred: Just because the city never sleeps, doesn’t mean we don’t have to. Come to bed.
Olivia: It’s not that late! Some of us don’t get up at five in the morning.
Fred: It’s plenty late. I’m exhausted. Aren’t you?
Olivia: I slept on the plane!
Fred: How? Meredith didn’t shut up the whole time!
Olivia: Earplugs! Went to the bathroom, put them in and put some glasses on, nodded off without her even noticing until it was too late.
Fred: You had a plan!
Olivia: If one knows they’re getting stuck on a plane with Meredith Trayman for eight hours, they come prepared.
Fred: Are you nervous for tomorrow?
Olivia: Fred I’m trying to enjoy the nighttime skyline!
Fred: Come on, you’re a bit nervous.
Olivia: Who wouldn’t be? This is the UN! The best and brightest minds from around the world - and whoever the United States send - assemble here to deliberate the world’s most pressing issues. I don’t want to look foolish!
Fred: You know one way to ensure you don’t look foolish?
Olivia: Don’t sass me Frederick.
Fred: Sleep keeps the mind fresh!
Olivia: My speech isn’t even until four, I have a whole agenda planned for the day.
Fred: Oh really?
Olivia: Yes, first thing in the morning we’re going to get a “cronut.”
Fred: Cronut?
Olivia: A croissant-donut mashup. It’s a big deal in New York.
Fred: What’s up after that?
Olivia: You’ll find out, but I’ll give you a hint: I’ll be visiting my brother!
Fred: We’re not going to that creepy wax figure museum, are we?
Olivia: And what if we are?
Fred: I’ll complain the entire time.
Olivia: That’s nothing new. To sleep you go!
Fred: Don’t stay up too late.
Olivia: Stop worrying about me! I’ll get bored of looking outside soon enough don’t you worry. It’s just a new experience for me that’s all.
The next day…
Gigi: Mum, I don’t mean to raise any alarms here, but why are we on Liberty Island? We don’t have to see the entire city in one day.
Olivia: Battery Park isn’t that far from the UN Building, we’re going to be fine!
Gigi: It’s two PM.
Norah: I think this is nice. It’s a beautiful island, sort of serene compere to the rest of the city.
Gigi: I feel only panic.? We have to get back to the hotel so you can change!
Olivia: I look fine!
Gigi: You’re sweating! You look like you’ve been walking around the city all day, because you have been.
Olivia: All right, we’ll leave now.
Todd: I have to say, mum, it’s very unlike you to be so carefree.
Fred: And very unlike Midge to not check in.
Olivia: Oh, my phone’s died.
Gigi: Dear lord.
Norah: I don’t mean to raise any alarms, but the ferry just took off five minutes ago, we’re stuck her another twenty minutes or so.
Olivia: You didn’t need to say that, but at least we know we have more time to spend on this island, basking in the beauty of this, uh, green woman.
Fred: Be honest, Olivia. You don’t wasn’t to make this speech.
Olivia: That’s an outrage! You’re essentially saying I wasted everyone’s time!
Gigi: He’s outright saying it, I think.
Olivia: If I didn’t want to make the speech, I would’ve never come to New York. I’m just trying to ease my nerves.
Gigi: By making the rest of us even more nervous due to the ever-continuing passage of time?
Olivia: I’m not purposely trying to cause undue stress to all of you. I just figured traveling around the city would distract me a bit and keep me from spending the whole day thinking about my speech.
Fred: It’s all right. We’ll get there.
Gigi: I agree! Maybe not by four, but maybe by six, seven, eight o’clock.
Olivia: You’re so negative.
Todd: I always tell you that and you brush it off!
Olivia: Yes, but now it’s impacting me!
One hour later…
Olivia: All right, where are we?
Fred: We’ve just crossed the Brooklyn Bridge!
Olivia: That’s the wrong way!
Fred: I sensed that from the look on your face.
Gigi: Time is slipping away, mum.
Olivia: Don’t you think I know that?
Todd: We’re going to be okay! We’ll make it!
Olivia: We can just skip going back to the hotel, I can give my speech dressed like this.
Gigi: Your funeral!
Olivia: I think I look fine.
Fred: In retrospect, renting a car to drive around New York was a poor decision.
Olivia: It was the easiest way to see everything I wanted!
Fred: Sure it was!
Todd: At least we’re having fun!
Gigi: News to me!
Later that afternoon, Gigi’s phone rings.
Gigi: Mum, it’s for you!
Olivia: Oh no…
Gigi: Have fun!
Olivia: Hello?
Claude: Olivia…
Olivia: I apologize.
Claude: Where are you?
Olivia: I believe the Bronx. Not entirely sure, though!
Claude: Why are you not at the UN? And why are you not answering your phone?
Olivia: A series of unfortunate events.
Claude: You better have been kidnapped again!
Olivia: We took a very ill-advised trip around the city, seeing all the hot spots. It was entirely my fault.
Claude: They knew better than to let you do it!
Olivia: No, please don’t be mad at anyone else! Especially not Midge, I ignored all her calls today, she had no way to find me. Don’t fire her!
Claude: Do you know how foolish we look? We stood up the UN! They called up a special meeting just to discuss the climate, on my insistence, and you stood them up!
Olivia: Some would say that if you really cared that much about it -
Claude: Don’t put this on me!
Olivia: I would never!
Claude: You were just trying to.
Olivia: To lighten the mood!
Claude: You’re so lucky that Midge was there.
Olivia: Why?
Claude: She gave the speech. The United Kingdom was represented at this UN meeting regarding my signature climate plan by a random woman named Midge.
Olivia: That’s better than nothing, no?
Claude: Don’t push me, Olivia.
Olivia: I’ll see you next week.
Claude: Can’t wait…
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: So, was he mad?
Olivia: Not funny.
Todd: I thought it was pretty funny.
Fred: Thank you, Todd!
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next Monday!
