Steven and Alysa are in bed.
Alysa: What time is it?
Steven: Does it matter?
Alysa: Today’s the first port day.
Steven: Oh, crap, I forgot. I was hoping to stay in bad. We were up late last night, you know…
Alysa: Playing Yahtzee.
Steven: Yeah, why did we stay up so late playing games?
Alysa: It was after midnight on a boat, not much else we could do. We clearly weren’t tired enough to go to bed.
Steven: We have to get on a normal sleep schedule.
Alysa: It’s our honeymoon, I think it’s okay to sleep in a bit and stay up late. Just, uh, not during our one day where we actually get to leave this thing.
Steven: It is apparently ten o’clock.
Alysa: Oh my god.
Steven: And my phone is ten percent charged!
Alysa: I didn’t shower last night. Nor did I wash any of my bras after wearing the last clean one I had.
Steven: Just wear a bikini top instead.
Alysa: Oh my god, I married a genius.
Steven: I don’t know if that’s really true.
Alysa: Do we have any food?
Steven: Why?
Alysa: The boat docks at eleven, we don’t have time to go get breakfast. We need to get ready and go!
Steven: I think we have a few granola bars to hold us over until lunch. Maybe a banana, but I might have eaten that.
Alysa: Oh, I threw that out.
Steven: Why would you do that?
Alysa: I dropped it on the ground. The ground’s dirty.
Steven: You don’t eat the peel.
Alysa: Then grab it from the garbage.
Steven: No thank you.
There’s a knock at the door.
Steven: I feel like I know what that’s about.
Alysa: They probably think we’re dead.
Steven: I think they probably think we’re doing something that’s even worse than being dead in their eyes.
Alysa: Come on, we’re not rude. Now’s not the time for that. Maybe tonight!
Steven: Is that not what a honeymoon’s for, though?
Alysa: What about this honeymoon has been normal?
Steven: A cruise through the Caribbean feels like a normal honeymoon destination.
Alysa: Yes, though it typically does not include the entire extended family of the groom.
Tammi: Kids! I don’t know if you’re even awake, but we need you to get moving if you want to see Curacao!
Steven: We’re on our way, mom! Just getting dressed!
Tammi: Oh, good. Your grandmother’s got a very long schedule for us today, please don’t make us late for it.
Steven: I won’t!
Tammi: Okay, we’ll be waiting on the top deck.
Steven: We’ll be right up!
Tammi leaves.
Alysa: Why did you just lie to your mother? We’re both still in yesterday’s clothes, neither of us showered, and have we brushed our teeth, either.
Steven: We have time.
Alysa: “Right up.”
Steven: That doesn’t mean we’ll be there immediately.
Alysa: What else could it mean?
Steven: I don’t know!
Alysa: We need a game plan here.
Steven: We both just quick jump in the shower at the same time -
Alysa: Dirty mind.
Steven: No, I don’t mean it like that! It’s a big shower, there’s plenty of room for both of us. We can both really quickly wash over ourselves, dry off, and get moving.
Alysa: I usually take a good half-hour in there.
Steven: Well, we’re usually not in Curacao.
Alysa: Yeah, you’re right. Let’s just do that and get up there.
Steven: Don’t forget about brushing our teeth.
Alysa: Yeah, that’s important.
Steven: I guess we’re not eating.
Alysa: They have food on Curacao. I think.
Steven: People live there, of course they have food.
Meanwhile, on the upper deck…
Betty: Where are those kids?
Teri: They’re teenagers on vacation. They’re in bed.
Velma: I should’ve left Mitchell in bed. He never would’ve known we went to Curacao, he’d have peacefully slept through the whole thing.
Danielle: You say this, and yet you clearly insisted on waking him up to come with us.
Teri: She makes a good point. You’re all talk.
Velma: Is anyone going to defend me?
Karl: Who am I to disagree?
Tammi: Bellwoods, have no fear! The newlyweds are on their way.
Rick: Good to know, I was getting a little sleepy sitting in this lounge chair.
Jeanette: You don’t need a lounge chair to get sleepy. You’d fall asleep standing up, especially after how late you were up.
Karl: What was he doing up so late?
Rick: I couldn’t fall asleep, I had horrible leg cramps. I haven’t been drinking enough.
Jeanette: Aside from all the mai tais, that is.
Rick: When in Curacao!
Betty: Where are the kids, though?
Tammi: They’re on their way up.
Teri: Did you see them?
Tammi: No, I spoke to them through the door.
Teri: Yeah, they just rolled out of bed. We’ll be waiting a while, might as well go order some drinks.
Betty: We will not be!
Tammi: They’re good kids, they know not to keep us waiting.
Ralph: We have eight hours to see an entire island, I’m certainly hoping they don’t keep us waiting.
Velma: I’ve been here before, we got plenty of time. It’s a small island.
Jeanette: You know, I’ve also been here before, but some of us don’t feel the need to go around bragging about it and acting like know-it-alls.
Danielle: Oh, she got you.
Velma: I don’t think that was called for.
Danielle: It was.
Frank: You said they were on the way, right? Did they mean they’d be on the way tomorrow?
Tammi: No one has any patience.
Teri: It’s vacation, who has patience on vacation? I want to go and I want to go now!
Tammi: You guys can go.
Cindy: No! We have to stick together.
Betty: Cindy’s right, we leave separately, we’ll never find each other on that island. What if one of us forgets the time and gets left behind?
Teri: Then we get to live on a beautiful island, that would be so tragic.
Karl: And where are you going to sleep?
Teri: At a hotel!
Karl: Forever? With what money?
Teri: Stop raining on my parade!
Fifteen minutes later…
Steven: I’m sorry we’re late!
Teri: Oh, we hardly noticed.
Steven: We overslept.
Mitchell: I wish I could’ve overslept.
Danielle: We all do.
Tammi: The important thing is, we’re all here now, so let’s get off this boat and see Curacao.
Ralph: They couldn’t have taken us to Aruba?
Teri: That cost more.
Jeanette: No, just a different cruise. Didn’t align with the itinerary this time.
Ralph: Ah, well, us Bellwoods are always in the Caribbean, so surely next time.
Teri: How about we enjoy the Caribbean island we are on during the eight hours we have?
Velma: Seven hours. Because of…
Alysa: You don’t need to point it out any further, we’re fully aware.
Betty: All right, off we go! Everyone, here’s the printed itinerary for today. We’re about a half-hour behind on everything, so the lunch break in the middle is going to have to be cut.
Alysa: We didn’t eat yet, we’ll have to-
Betty: Oh, no time! Grab a snack from the buffet before we get off!
Jerry: Ah, the dream come true, getting your honeymoon meticulously planned out by your great-grandmother.
Betty: That’s not true! I only meticulously planned out the one day! They’re free to do what they want every other day!
Teri: We have three port days.
Betty: And I graciously agreed to let the other two be laid-back and to go with the flow. You know how hard that is for me! Now, time to go!
Twenty minutes later…
Mitchell: You know, this island has nothing on Fiji.
Rick: We get it, man. You were on Survivor.
Mitchell: I wasn’t just on Survivor. I -
Velma: Mitchell, your NDA.
Mitchell: Let’s just say, you’ll be seeing me for a solid portion of your spring, only CBS!
Teri: Every week I tune in and watch, and I’m always shocked they didn’t vote him out yet!
Danielle: His tribe hasn’t lost a challenge yet, they just haven’t been given the chance.
Teri: Probst should make an exception.
Mitchell: Hey, I’m right here!
Teri: I know. I don’t talk behind people’s back.
Velma: You have to respect that.
Betty: Enough chitchat, you guys! We have a cave to get to, and then a scuba diving appointment.
Alysa: I don’t mean to be a diva, but could we possibly stop for some food on the way? The six pieces of watermelon I ate at the buffet before I was dragged away are not really doing it for me.
Betty: Sorry, no time! Besides, if you eat before we go in the water, you’ll get cramps!
Alysa: I’m pregnant and starving, I’ve already got cramps.
Cindy: Can you go scuba diving when you’re pregnant, by the way?
Teri: Mom is taking her pro-choice views a bit too far!
Karl: It’s not actually scuba diving. It’s underwater walking. They just put some helmet on you so you have air to breathe without having to go back to the surface. It’s perfectly safe. I looked into it myself.
Cindy: Okay, I trust you. Mom, not so much. But you, yes.
Betty: You don’t trust me?
Cindy: To not lie? I trust you fully. To do proper research? Not at all.
Teri: Yeah, that’s about right.
Four hours later…
Alysa: I’m tired!
Tammi: We’re all tired, kiddo.
Cindy: Except, somehow, for the eighty year-old.
Jeanette: I’m fine, too. And trust me, I’m not eighty.
Rick: She’s seventy-six!
Jeanette: And I look damn good!
Cindy: She does!
Betty: Look, guys. We have three hours left, and a lot to cram in!
Alysa: How about food?
Ralph: Don’t worry, at a certain point, you’ll be so hungry that you’ll stop being hungry. It’s amazing how it works.
Teri: I think that’s the part where the stomach starts eating itself.
Tammi: Yeah, I think we should get her some food.
Betty: All right, quick run in and grab something. Nothing that’ll derail the itinerary!
Frank: That itinerary’s driving me nuts.
Betty: And you drive me nuts. So what now?
Frank: You are so mean to me. And on vacation!
Betty: Yes, you’re supposed to have fun on vacation. Mocking you is fun.
Alysa: Guys… something is wrong. I’m new to the family, I fear I’ll be shunned for this.
Jerry: You don’t have to be afraid to call us insane weirdos who need therapy. It’s clear for all to see.
Alysa: No, my purse is missing. I realized when I tried to order a sandwich, the guy looked at me like I was insane as I slowly backed out of line at the checkout because I had no cash on me.
Betty: So all that waiting we just did and you still didn’t eat?
Teri: Her purse is missing! She lost it somewhere! I think that’s more important than us having to wait for a moment.
Tammi: We have to retrace our steps and find it. Where did you have it last?
Alysa: The last time I certainly remember having it was that cave. It might’ve been with me when we went to that underwater walking thing.
Karl: We should go back there. Maybe you forgot to pick it back up when we got out of the water. In that case, it should still be there, we can just talk to the workers and ask if they located it.
Alysa: That’s a good idea.
Betty: We can’t go back! We already lost enough time so as it is! It’s just a purse.
Alysa: It has all my money in it, my phone, my emergency credit card, my ID, my passport…
Betty: Non-essential items!
Cindy: Mother…
Betty: Fine! We’ll go.
Alysa: I’m so sorry about this.
Steven: Not quite how I was hoping to spend this day of the honeymoon, but -
Jerry: I would hope that none of today is how you’d hope to spend your honeymoon.
Betty: What’s that supposed to mean?
Jerry: Well, he was trying to look at coral reefs and saline with his wife, and you grabbed him away to take a picture with one of those underwater cameras.
Betty: It’s a once-in-a-lifetime moment!
Jerry: Yes, that he was trying to experience with his, not his great-grandmother.
Betty: Is there a problem with that?
Steven: I had no problem with it, grandma Betty.
Betty: See!
Alysa: I had somewhat of a problem with it.
Betty: Enough out of you today!
Steven: Grandma Betty!
Betty: I apologize. We should absolutely go look for your purse, we can come back to Curacao any time!
Jeanette: You said that sarcastically, but I can hook you up with a trip here whenever you want. I have connections.
Ralph: Why have we never abused those connection before? We go to Maine every year instead of a real trip!
Karl: Because we have a perfectly good vacation home there, and we’re not letting it go to waste.
Teri: Ah, rich people problems.
Karl: Upper middle class.
Teri: We own a beach house in Maine that we stay in two weeks a year. Rich.
Rick: No, the name’s Rick.
Two hours later…
Betty: Two hours gone… one hour left. My itinerary incinerated.
Jerry: At least we found her purse!
Betty: But at what cost?
Danielle: I can’t believe Mitchell was the one to find it!
Alysa: Thank you, Mitchell!
Velma: I guess he is good for something after all!
Mitchell: Without fail, I will find money if it’s there to be found. I’m like a drug-sniffing dog, but for dollar bills.
Betty: If only you could’ve found it two hours ago! Now the trip’s ruined!
Jeanette: We still have an hour.
Betty: We have to get back to the boat so they don’t leave us!
Teri: Surely, something on that itinerary only takes an hour.
Alysa: We could always go out to eat!
Betty: That’s enough out of you for today.
Karl: Maybe we should just get back to the boat early, call it a day. There’s plenty to do on there to entertain us and get our minds off the last two hours.
Betty: Wait, I know something we can see quickly!
Teri: The Bellwoods rejoice.
Betty: It’s a bridge!
Teri: Never mind.
Betty: Hey, it’s something to do, and it doesn’t take long. Blame Alysa!
Alysa: Steven…
Steven: Yes?
Alysa: I need you to promise me that in twenty years, when our kid is grown and we can leave them at home, you will take me on a real honeymoon, just the two of us.
Steven: Oh, I was already thinking that. You’ve got my word on it.
Alysa: Thank god.
Teri: Now there’s a storybook ending to the day.
Betty: So are we not going to the bridge?
Ralph: It it’ll shut you up, we’ll go.
Betty: Yay!
Cindy: The happiest I’ve seen her all day, and she’s talking about a damn bridge.
Teri: This is the woman we put in charge of planning.
Jeanette: Tactical errors are made even by the best of us.
Betty: It’s a really cool bridge!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
