Steven and Jerry walk into the house.
Tammi: Steven, Alysa called and left a message. She said to call her back, it was urgent. I’m surprised she didn’t just text or call on your cell.
Steven: We were playing basketball, I had my phone off.
Jerry: And I gave him quite the challenge for a man of my age!
Steven: I still won.
Jerry: I’m elderly, of course you won.
Tammi: Well, just call her back. Women don’t like to be ignored.
Ralph: I’m not gonna be ignored, Dan!
Tammi: Thank you for the input, Glenn Close.
Steven: I’ll go call her back. Dinner won’t be ready for a while anyway, right?
Cindy: We’re trying our hardest. Who knew clams casino took so long to make?
Ralph: I did! You look up the recipe, they tell you how long it is. And clams casino is an appetizer, not a dinner!
Cindy: Well I’m making a lot.
Ralph: That always speeds it up.
Betty: Hey, we should appreciate a quality home-cooked meal. We might be hungry afterwards, but it’s the thought that counts!
Cindy: Thank you for the backhanded compliment, mom. Always appreciated.
Betty: Any time!
Jerry: You know, Steven, you need to be careful anytime a woman says you need to talk. It’s never good.
Cindy: When have I ever dropped bad news on you when I asked to talk?
Jerry: 1989.
Cindy: That turned out to be good!
Jerry: It wasn’t at the time!
Danielle: What are we talking about?
Ralph: Tammi.
Tammi: No, they were talking about - oh. Hey! I wasn’t bad news!
Jerry: You were at the time.
Cindy: In hindsight, though, best day of our lives.
Karl: Best day of your teenaged, high school lives.
Steven: Well, that’s not what Alysa’s calling me about, and it’s nothing else bad, either. We have a science test tomorrow and she left her book here, I’m sure she’s just asking me to drop it off so she can study.
Jerry: That’s what they like you to think.
Cindy: Just make sure you’re home by dinner time. Clams aren’t very good reheated.
Jerry: So, ten?
Cindy: Everyone needs to stop being so mean.
Frank: Now you know how I feel!
Teri: Shut up, Frank!
Frank: Where did you come?
Teri: I heard your voice and came running to make sure I wouldn’t have to hear it any longer.
Steven goes to his room and calls Alysa.
Alysa: Finally! I’ve been calling and calling!
Steven: Sorry, I was playing basketball with my grandfather.
Alysa: It’s fine, it’s not like I was sitting by the phone or anything.
Steven: Ah, that’s good.
Alysa: Sarcasm is hard to detect over the phone, I suppose. I need you to come to my house right now. I need to see you.
Steven: Okay, I’ll be right over. I’m bringing your science book!
Alysa: My what?
Steven: Is that not what you called me about?
Alysa: We’ll talk when you get here.
Steven walks out of his room.
Steven: Going to Alysa’s, I’ll be back soon!
Teri: You don’t need to be back that soon, a problem has arisen in the clams casino.
Cindy: I’m figuring it out!
Teri: Sure you are.
Frank: Should I go to McDonald’s and get something for everyone?
Cindy: Shut up, Frank!
Ten minutes later…
Anita: Oh, hey, Steven! You here to celebrate the geood news?
Steven: Good news?
Anita: Didn’t Alysa tell you? The divorce is finalized! I’m free!
Steven: Maybe that’s what she wanted to talk about.
Anita: She might be upset about it. Who knows? I’m not! Finally, it’s over. Time to move on! Anita 2.0!
Steven: Sure.
Alysa: Steven, in here!
Steven: I’m coming as fast as I can!
Alysa: Close the door!
Steven closes the door of Alysa’s bedroom.
Steven: You okay? Your mother’s certainly in a good mood, I’m not used to that.
Alysa: Yeah, she’s quickly moved from being sad about the divorce to being… I’m not sure what to call it. I’m not great, though.
Steven: Your parents still love you as much as ever, even if your family situation’s changing.
Alysa: That’s not really what’s on my mind.
Steven: You stressed about the science exam? I know I am, I haven’t studied nearly enough. I have to cram tonight. I brought your book.
Alysa: Steven, I don’t care about the science exam.
Steven: What’s going on?
Alysa: You can not tell anyone.
Steven: What’s going on? Is there something wrong with you? We can get you to a doctor, it’s not l-
Alysa: So, I’ve been feeling off lately. Tired, I’ve had cramps, I just want to lay around, my stomach feels odd.
Steven: Uh-huh.
Alysa: Well, I, uh…
Steven: You look pale.
Alysa: Yeah, I understand why.
Steven: You are scaring me.
Alysa: Okay, let me make it clearer. I haven’t been feeling right, and - did you pay attention in health class?
Steven: Yeah.
Alysa: Yeah, so did I. So I know the signs of… you know.
Steven: I don’t want to say it.
Alysa: After school today - did you notice when I was in the bathroom for a while?
Steven: Not really, I focus on the teacher, I don’t need to get in trouble for spacing out.
Alysa: Well, I was in the bathroom throwing up, so I felt it was only appropriate to try and eliminate any possible doubt. I went to CVS, I bought a pregnancy test, I thought surely I was being presumptuous. My period was just late while all these symptoms were coincidentally happening. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Steven: Are you telling me -
Alysa: Yes, I’m -
Steven: You’re not letting me finish any of my thoughts.
Alysa: Steven, I’m pregnant.
Steven: Oh no. Not again.
Alysa: Again? Did you knock someone else up? We’ve been together for three years, so I’d hope not.
Steven: No, I meant, well, do the math. I’m seventeen, my mom is thirty-four, my grandmother is fifty-three.
Alysa: So it’s hereditary. Wonderful.
Steven: We were so careful! And it’s not like we did it a lot.
Alysa: Just on special occasions. We used protection.
Steven: You said you were on birth control!
Alysa: I sort of forgot to stay on it. I usually have my mother to remind me to take medicine, it’s not like you want your mother telling you to take birth control pills!
Steven: Okay, so mistakes were made.
Alysa: You’re telling me? I’m going to be pregnant doing the mile run!
Steven: Will your stomach fit behind the desk?
Alysa: Great, as if this wasn’t bad enough, I now have to think about that!
Steven: How are we going to tell our parents?
Alysa: I don’t want to think about that.
Steven: Can I tell you something?
Alysa: There’s nothing you can say to make this better, but go ahead and say what you must.
Steven: I love you so much, and I want to spend my life with you. This is earlier than we could have ever hoped for, and not at all what we were expecting to happen, but we’re going to be okay. We will make a beautiful family together, and we’ll always be there to support one another, and our families will help us out, too.
Alysa: I know. I’m a little angry that this happened, but I do love you. We’re so young, but I did always want to start a family with you. Preferably, not for another ten years, but sometimes life has other plans. I don’t know how to feel about this overall, but there’s no one I’d rather be in this situation with.
Steven: Oh boy. Our lives are about to change drastically.
Alysa: You think?
Steven: I know I just asked this two minutes ago, but… how are we going to tell our parents?
Alysa: I don’t know! Have you seen my mother? She’s practically high on life for maybe the first time ever, do you want to be the one to take that joy from her?
Steven: I’m not an expert on pregnancy, but it’s going to be hard to hide that pretty soon. Also, you’ll need to go to the doctor…
Alysa: HIPAA protects them from saying anything!
Steven: Are you also planning to strike everyone blind?
Alysa: Okay, fine, we need to tell them. But no more implications that I’m going to get fat.
Steven: Not fat! Just… everyone’s stomach grows when they’re pregnant.
Alysa: Who are we telling first?
Steven: Your mother would never listen if we told her not to call my family to tell them. She’d be on the phone screaming at my grandma immediately.
Alysa: That’s true.
Steven: Now, do we tell them together, or should we tell them both separately?
Alysa: Doing it separately would mean we both only have to drop that particular bomb once, so let’s do that.
Steven: I still can’t believe this is happening.
Alysa: Yeah, I’m not exactly thrilled.
Steven: When are we telling them?
Alysa: There’s no time like the present. I’ll give you a twenty minute head start.
Steven: Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?
Alysa: Don’t sweet talk me, you already knocked me up once.
Steven: I don’t think it can happen again while one’s already in there. I don’t really think we need to tempt fate, though.
Alysa: Okay, you better go before I start crying about this again and you’re left to deal with it.
Steven: All right, see you tomorrow at school.
Alysa: Oh, god! I just remembered school! What are the other girls going to say about this?
Steven: Does it matter?
Alysa: They are terrors. Hell is a teenage girl.
Twenty minutes later…
Jerry: Hey, Steven! You were gone a while! You’re white as a ghost, too, you all right?
Mitchell: Did the girlfriend lay into you about something? That’s natural, don’t let it get to you. Eventually, you learn to tune it out.
Velma: I can end you!
Mitchell: See, I barely even knew she was talking! Couldn’t even tell you what she said!
Velma:
Cindy: The clams casino is taking a bit longer than expected, but no worries, it will be ready soon.
Ralph: Next is “soon” to some people, I guess.
Steven: Nothing happened, it’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s great.
Steven runs off to his bedroom but trips over the rug.
Velma: He’s acting weird, right?
Teri: You think?
Tammi: Honey, is something the matter?
Steven: Okay, um, all right. I guess this is a good time for this. Family meeting?
Cindy: I busy working on dinner, can this wait?
Mitchell: It better, some of us have to eat today.
Velma: You don’t “need” to eat. You’ve got plenty stored.
Steven: It’s really an emergency.
Cindy: Ah, you know what, I can step away for ten minutes, they’ll be fine in there.
Karl: Betty says a family meeting was called.
Teri: She can’t hear anything standing when your’e right next to her, but someone says “family meeting” and she hears it across the house, up the stairs, across the street, wherever.
Steven: Okay, so everyone’s here, great. Um…
Tammi: You look like you’re about to pass out!
Steven: Oh, I feel like it.
Tammi: Did you hit your head when you fell? Do you have a concussion?
Steven: No, I’m fine. I just gotta get this out.
Mitchell: Did she dump you? That could’ve been dinner talk, it didn’t require a meeting.
Velma: Oh my god, you’re embarrassing!
Steven: Ok, this is difficult. I need you to not be mad at me. It was not done purposefully.
Tammi: Oh my god, I feel sick.
Teri: What’s happening?
Tammi: Steven, I know where this is going, but continue.
Jerry: I’m feeling a small bit of deja vu, but clearly this can’t be what I think it is.
Steven: Okay, Alysa called me over to talk with her because she has not been feeling well, and she wanted to be safe and cover all the bases and -
The phone rings.
Danielle: Should I get that?
Steven: No! Dammit, I was supposed to have more time!
Frank: We don’t say “dammit” in this house.
Tammi: Considering what’s about to be said, I ask in advance for forgiveness on breaking that rule.
Jerry: Granted!
Steven: So, back to the story. Alysa took a test and it confirmed that she is pregnant and I’m going to be a father.
Betty: Oh, not again!
Teri: It’s like they always say: like mother, like daughter, like daughter’s son.
Mitchell: I knew this was going to happen, FYI.
Velma: Mitchell, go to your room.
Mitchell: Okay…
Cindy: I can’t believe you would do this! You were always so well-behaved and responsible!
Tammi: What happened in London was bad enough, I find’t think you’d be dumb enough to keep doing it!
Frank: Look, I don’t think several people in this room are in any place to judge, including me.
Tammi: I just wanted him to do better than we did!
Cindy: Steven, we’re very disappointed.
Teri: I thought you guys loved kids.
Karl: Teri!
Teri: What?
Betty: Have you considered -
Cindy: Mom, no!
Betty: You did’t even know what I was going to say!
Cindy: I knew it was immoral!
Betty: Because everything that’s been going on here has been so moral!
Cindy: All right, go ahead. Try and push baby murder on him like you did to me.
Tammi: Wait, what?
Betty: That is not what I’m suggesting, I know how you all are. No, I was asking if he’s considered the potential living situations. I mean, they live very close, but it’s something to think about. The best sort of family unit is one that sticks together.
Steven: I just found out, I haven’t really thought about any of that. Now, can I go to my room?
Tammi: No! You have questions to answer. By the way, that bedroom, you’ll never close it again.
Teri: It’s a little too late to put the toothpaste back in the tube now!
The phone rings again.
Betty: Who could that be?
Steven: I have an idea.
Betty: Oh my god, no! Oh my god! I’m gonna be related to that horrible woman!
Ralph: Think on the bright side, I’m sure she’s just as upset!
Betty: That does make me feel slightly better.
Karl: Look, this has become an unfortunate family tradition, and this is a bad situation, but we’re going to be here for you, just like we were here for your parents and your grandparents.
Jerry: They were here for us when most other people would just be too embarrassed.
Steven: I’m very scared. I’m not ready for this.
Jerry: Have you considered, you know… the m-word?
Steven: Murder? No!
Jerry: Oh my god, marriage!
Steven: Oh. Well, I was thinking maybe eventually.
Betty: Any other situation, I’d say you need to get married. In this situation, I say maybe we all fake our deaths and move?
Teri: Mom, that’s not practical. I’m not leaving my book club because the kid couldn’t keep it in his pants. I’ve struggled through a really terrible book, I need to be rewarded for it with a bit of wine and gossiping with the girls!
There’s a knock at the door.
Steven: Oh no.
Betty: Who’s the lucky person answering?
Tammi: I’ll do it. She’d probably kill most other people.
Frank: She might still kill you.
Teri: Yeah, let Frank do it.
Tammi answers the door.
Anita: Boy am I mad!
Tammi: Lovely to see you, Anita!
Anita: I was on a post-divorce high, this was the start of a whole new life -
Teri: In a way, it still is!
Anita: Now I find out - do you know what your son did to my daughter?
Tammi: We’ve just been informed.
Anita: Is this acceptable to this “family?” Actually, this is par for the course, your son just seemed normal, so I figured he’s be respectable enough to not violate her.
Frank: Hey, it takes two to tango.
Alysa: It does. It was my choice. Well, choices, I’m not sure exactly when it happened.
Anita: No, no, no! I do not need to hear that!
Teri: None of us did, but I don’t see you concerned about our ears.
Betty: We’re bonded together forever now.
Anita: I should shoot you!
Steven: I apologize, and this was never my intention. I plan to do right by Alysa, I’ll treat her and the baby very well.
Alysa: Don’t say that word, please. Just give me a bit more time.
Jerry: Look, if I can accept Steven being a Democrat, you can accept this.
Anita: I don’t think that’s really the same thing.
Betty: Yeah, one’s bad, one’s good.
Anita: You know what? I’m actually glad you two found each other, you do love and support each other. I just wish this had not happened now.
Alysa: We’re not happy about it either.
Anita: Can I come in and just talk about this. We have a lot of things to figure out.
Tammi: Do you have a gun on you?
Anita: I’m not you. I don’t believe in guns.
Tammi: You don’t believe in them? Do you think they’re Santa Claus or something?
Anita: I don’t believe people should own them.
Tammi: In the name of fellowship, and this new child that I choose to see as a blessing from God, I will keep my thoughts on that to myself. Come on in!
Twenty minutes later..
Anita: So, onto religion!
Teri: Oh, this’ll be good.
Steven: Alysa?
Alysa: Yeah?
Steven: I’m sorry.
Alysa: I know.
Steven: I hope this isn’t the start of your mother having to see my family all the time.
Alysa: It is, but this was always bound to happen. Might as well get an early start on it.
Anita: Hey, you two! Stop whispering sweet nothings to each other, we talking through the facts of life! So, this is non-negotiable to me, the baby will be Episcopalian. Do we understand?
Jerry: That’s not even a real religion!
Anita: It is to me!
Alysa: She’s very serious about it.
Steven: I could learn to support that.
Jerry: This is the worst day of my life.
Karl: Does anyone smell something strange?
Cindy: My clams casino! I forgot about them!
Teri: As if Steven having a kid wasn’t horrific enough for today, now the house is going to smell like burnt seafood!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
