Tammi: Am I the only one still queasy over Steven’s recent news? I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Velma: I’d guess Alysa’s still pretty queasy over it, too.
Danielle: Maybe you’re pregnant, too!
Teri: That would be something!
Tammi: There’s no way I’m pregnant. It’s my, you know, time of the month.
Velma: So that’s why you’re cranky!
Tammi: I’m not cranky!
Karl: Look, I know this is not ideal, but they’re practically adults, they know what they’re getting into. They both say they’re ready, there’s no need for us to stress so much.
Tammi: Think of how much we’ll be judged for this once people in town find out!
Betty: Thankfully, the most judgmental person in town has no place to judge on this one, since her daughter’s the one that went and got herself knocked up. She can’t send her jackals after us, either!
Teri: That’s a great point, mom. It’s the only real positive to us being forever tied to Anita. That, and Alysa being lovely.
Tammi: She is a good girl. If my son was going to get anyone pregnant while still in high school, I’m glad it was her.
Ralph: That is the most white trash thing anyone in this family has ever said.
Jerry: It’s amazing that we don’t all live in a trailer park.
Teri: I didn’t get knocked up or knock anyone up in my teens, don’t drag me into this.
Betty: Nor did you get knocked up during any of the decades since then. Such a disappointment.
Cindy: Did those two crazy kids ever figure out what they’re doing about living arrangements for the baby?
Tammi: I really don’t know.
Betty: We have a big house, but do we have the room a baby?
Teri: They can’t exactly all fit in Steven’s room, can they?
Steven: Why are you guys talking about me?
Teri: No reason!
Tammi: We’re just discussing your… situation.
Steven: Ooh, guys, come on, it’s been four days! You aren’t over this yet?
Frank: You do realize there’s going to be another person in this world because of you, right? That’s not that easy to just move past in four days.
Jerry: Funny, I remember having that same conversation with you nearly eighteen years ago.
Frank: We don’t need to talk about that.
Teri: Yes, we do.
Steven: I don’t mean I don’t want you to think about it. Obviously, we’re going to have to think about it all the time. I just don’t want you guys obsessing over it. I’m handling it. Me and Alysa are responsible.
Teri: Are you? I mean…
Steven: It was an accident!
Tammi: There should’ve been no chance of an accident happening, but that’s neither here nor there. I do agree with you, though, I need to stop obsessing over it. I can’t change what’s already happened. We’ve got at least seven months, I can give myself some time to not think about it.
Steven: So, we’re going on our first date together since… all this. Actually, I have to stop somewhere first and pick something up. You know, several of you suggested this, and I had to think about it, but I want to as Alysa to marry me.
Tammi: Oh my god, are you trying to kill me? My heart can’t take all of this!
Jerry: Who suggested that? Do you really want to tie yourself down already?
Cindy: Tie yourself down?
Jerry: Bad word choice, dear. Love you forever.
Cindy: Couch. Tonight.
Jerry: Yeah, I knew that was coming.
Steven: Grandpa, you were the one that suggested it.
Jerry: That doesn’t sound like me.
Cindy: Yeah, he wouldn’t you to get tied down.
Jerry: I’m not explaining this any further.
Cindy: It’s unexplainable.
Jerry: Can someone help me out?
Teri: I’m not touching that.
Mitchell: You see, Cindy, what he means is-
Velma: You’re an idiot.
Mitchell: I know.
Steven: Okay, well I guess I’m gonna go now if no one has any objections.
Betty: Wait. What are you picking up for her? A ring?
Steven: Yeah, just one of those cheap ones you have for sale. Don’t worry, I’m paying for it. I can’t afford anything better.
Karl: We have rings of the highest quality.
Teri: Dad, it’s not a sales pitch, he knows they’re basically the same as a ring you can buy at Kohl’s for fifty bucks.
Karl: It’s real sterling silver!
Betty: Ralph, we all know you’re never getting married, right?
Ralph: No, absolutely never.
Betty: Steven, I want you to have a good ring to give Alysa. My mother left me hers, I only have one son, he’s not getting married. I want you to have it.
Steven: Are you sure?
Betty: I’m certain. I want it to be passed down to someone deserving. That’s what she would want, too. You two are starting your life together, I want you to do it knowing you have our full support.
Steven: I’ll repay you if you wan-
Betty: No. This is a gift of love. I want nothing in return but for you to be happy and have a good life with Alysa.
Steven: I guess it’s time to do this. I’m nervous.
Tammi: Don’t be nervous. This is maybe not the ideal situation, but you two love each other, and I know you’ll be happy. When you know you’ve found the one, you just know. I may have been pregnant with you, but I wouldn’t have married your father if I didn’t know he was the one.
Steven: Alysa’s the one.
Tammi: Then go tell her that. I’m excited for you.
Steven: All right, I’m going.
Frank: Good luck, son!
Steven: I’ll need it.
Steven leaves.
Tammi: I still can not believe this is real.
Cindy: I don’t think any of us can, really. It’s very surreal.
Teri: I can’t believe mom gave my ring away!
Betty: I’d hope your future husband, if he exists at all, won’t need your grandmother’s ring. At the very least, if he’s not shelling out the money for a new one, he should have his own grandmother’s ring, no?
Teri: You’re such a romantic.
At Anita’s house…
Alysa: Steven! You’re early!
Steven: Yeah, I, uh, I waned to talk to your mother.
Anita: Ah, the impregnator’s here. Come on in, you are family now.
Steven: I’m glad you see me that way.
Anita: It’s less that I see you that way and more that science does. But if anyone were bound to cause this, I’m glad it was you. Your grandmother’s an unstable disaster, but you’ve never been anything but kind and respectful.
Steven: I appreciate that. I actually wanted to talk about something, just us two.
Alysa: I can wait in the car.
Steven: It shouldn’t be long, that’ll work.
Anita: Okay, I’ll see you later, kiddo.
Alysa: You talking to me or the baby?
Anita: It’s just a fetus for now, it doesn’t have ears yet. I won’t be talking to it until then, I’m not insane.
Alysa: Okay, see you later then.
Anita closes the door.
Anita: All right, what’s up?
Steven: Mrs. DeFleur -
Anita: There is no “Mrs. DeFleur” anymore. Just Anita.
Steven: All right, uh, Anita. I want to ask you something.
Anita: You’re marrying her.
Steven: Excuse me?
Anita: You look scared, you’re clearly wanting to ask for permission to propose. You have it. You love her, she loves you, you’re about to start a family. I have many ideas for this wedding, I will run them by your family and we’ll set it up. You two just worry about being happy. I’m happy for you.
Steven: Wow, Anita, I’m shocked by how supportive you are about all of this. You seem so much lighter and happier lately.
Anita: You make her so happy. This is not the fairytale I imagined for her, but you’re definitely her prince charming. I’m grateful she found you. I’ve only ever wanted her to be happy. Certainly, you’ll make her happier than I was in my marriage.
Steven: You’ll find someone.
Anita: I don’t know if I will. And that’s okay. My daughter’s found someone. She’s the most important person in the world to me. Now, go out there, stop making her wait. I’ll see you two later.
Steven: Thank you.
Anita: Thank you. Just keep treating her well, it’s all I ask.
Steven: I intend to.
One hour later, at the Bellwood house…
Betty: Oh, a knock on the door. I wonder who that is.
Cindy: I don’t know, but I’m making dinner and there’s not enough for another guest, so don’t let them in.
Betty: I don’t just let people in. I don’t even answer doors. Karl, get the door.
Karl: Must I?
Betty: No one else is around, and what if they have a gun?
Karl: Then I’d get shot.
Cindy: Don’t worry, I’ve got my gun.
Karl: Well, at least you’d live in this hypothetical scenario that won’t happen.
Karl opens the door.
Anita: Where’s Tammi? We have a wedding to plan!
Betty: Oh no… I forgot about you.
Anita: I wish I could say the same. Tammi! Down here!
Tammi: Anita, do we have to do this now?
Anita: Yes! I want them to get married quickly. I want it to be a destination wedding at my house by the beach in North Carolina. I don’t want it to look like a shotgun wedding.
Tammi: But it is one.
Anita: no one needs to know that!
Tammi: They’re seventeen years old! I think them getting married because of a pregnancy looks a bit better than getting married for any other reason! I don’t want to look like we’re in some freaky cult, that’s becoming a trend.
Teri: We’re already in a freaky cult, it’s called the Bellwood family. And Anita, your daughter gets to join it!
Betty: Don’t rub it in my face.
Anita: I just want it to be a classy affair. Besides, they’ll need to get married in North Carolina, anyway: marriage under eighteen isn’t legal in Virginia, and I assume they want to get married before the baby comes.
Tammi: That’s such a lovely way to put that. Very romantic, a marriage that can’t legally occur in several states, including the one we live in.
Cindy: We’ve done it twice before in this family.
Tammi: Anita, I appreciate the offer, I think we have no other choice but to let you host the wedding at your beach house. I didn’t know you had a beach house, by the way.
Betty: Thank god she does, we get a month free from her every summer thanks to it.
Anita: Probably not this year, though, with all that’s going on.
Betty: Dammit, Steven!
Meanwhile…
Steven: Alysa, you look beautiful tonight.
Alysa: Don’t even say I’m glowing.
Steven: I wasn’t going to, but you are.
Alysa: We just don’t need to talk about… that.
Steven: I know. I do want to talk about something else, though. You know, I set up this nice, private sunset picnic by the lake for a reason.
Alysa: So we could be away from our insane families that keep asking us invasive questions?
Steven: That was part of it. Also, I know we’ve had a lot of serious conversations that should be beyond our years, but I need to talk to you about one more thing.
Alysa: This should be good.
Steven: Alysa Margaret DeFleur -
Alysa: Oh my god!
Steven: Life is filled with twists and turns, and this latest turn is never one I expected to be making yet, but I can’t imagine someone better to make that turn with than you. You are my whole world, the sunshine of every day, a dream come true. Getting to create a family with you is an honor I’ll never take for granted, and I hope that you’ll allow me to call myself you husband. Will you marry me?
Alysa: Seventeen years old, Steven…
Steven: I know, I know. It wasn’t the plan we had in mind, but -
Alysa: Yes!
Steven: Yes?
Alysa: Yes!
Steven: Yes!
Alysa: We should probably stop just screaming yes, it sounds like that scene in When Harry Met Sally.
Steven: I’m just so excited. And nervous.
Alysa: I feel the exact same way. It’s pretty terrifying.
Steven: It won’t change that much.
Alysa: This part won’t. The baby might.
Steven: Yeah, but we’ve already come to terms with that. Professing eternal love and commitment to each other in front of our families won’t be so scary in comparison, right?
Alysa: Why did you need to word it like that?
Two weeks later…
Teri: Okay, so we’re not playing You Never Can Tell by Chuck Berry.
Anita: Why not?
Teri: “It was a teenage wedding, and the old folks wished them well.” We’re not old!
Anita: Well…
Teri: Also, no I Got You Babe. Just, no songs that reference young love. We don’t really need to dwell on that. It’s a celebratory affair.
Tammi: Anita, Teri, what are you two up to?
Anita: Just finishing up the music selections.
Tammi: The wedding is starting in ten minutes.
Anita: Yeah, so no more fooling around. Heads in the game!
Tammi: They already picked their music. Everything’s set up.
Anita: They just need a bit of help. No TikTok music, this day is forever.
Tammi: Your daughter needs assistance.
Anita: I’m coming, darling!
Teri: Wow, she can run pretty good for her age.
Tammi: Just go sit down. You’ve done enough.
Teri: I have, I’m so charitable.
Teri takes a seat at one of the folding chairs in Anita’s yard.
Danielle: You know, for a shotgun wedding for two teenagers, this is a pretty nice wedding.
Velma: It’s nicer than our wedding, that’s for sure.
Danielle: You just say that because you had to marry Mitchell.
Velma: Well, yeah.
Betty: I truly hate Anita, but this is a heck of a nice house. We better be getting some in-law perks.
Velma: I think Tammi and Frank would get those.
Betty: Tammi wouldn’t be here without me, she can’t leave me out of this.
Karl: We have a beach house, honey.
Betty: Not one we can visit in March! Ours is in Maine!
Karl: That reminds me, we would’ve offered to let them have the service at our beach house!
Betty: Yeah, a marriage at the beach in Maine in March, that sure doesn’t scream “shotgun wedding.”
Karl: I think people are going to know she’s pregnant regardless.
Betty: Hopefully not for a while!
Ralph: By the way, why does everyone I know have a beach house?
Velma: Lianne doesn’t have a beach house. She has a beach community.
Ralph: She owns an island in South Carolina, yes.
Danielle: I wish I could own even one house, rather than just, like two and a half rooms.
Betty: They’re really big rooms, though. Nicest house in Lakey!
Ralph: That’s like being the kindest murderer on death row.
Betty: Don’t insult Lakey!
Teri: I just can’t believe Steven’s getting married before me.
Betty: You’re not alone.
Mitchell: Anyone know when this wedding’s starting?
Velma: Why, you got a nap scheduled?
Mitchell: I saw an ad on TV last night for one of the restaurants in town, they have a special for discounted wings and burgers today, but it ends at five.
Velma: You are pathetic.
Danielle: And so predictable!
Meanwhile, in Alysa’s room…
Cindy: Everything’s going to be okay.
Alysa: No it’s not! Mom!
Anita: I’m here, darling. What is wrong?
Alysa: The dress doesn’t fit.
Anita: What do you mean the dress doesn’t fit?
Alysa: My wedding dress does not fit around my body.
Anita: Oh boy.
Cindy: Didn’t you just get this?
Alysa: Don’t make me feel worse.
Anita: She was too embarrassed to go into the bridal shop, so I took pictures of all the dresses and then just bought the one she liked in the size she normally wears. I forgot about… you know.
Alysa: How do you forget about that?
Anita: With a lot of hope and determination!
Anita: Cindy, I have a letter opener downstairs.
Alysa: A letter opener?
Anita: Desperate times, dear.
Alysa: It’s my wedding dress!
Anita: You’re either letting me cut the back of your dress open or you’re walking down the aisle in jeans and a Fleetwood Mac t-shirt.
Alysa: All right, cut the dress.
Tammi: What a fairytale this is.
Meanwhile, Steven is in the guest room getting ready.
Jerry: You nervous, kid?
Steven: No, not at all.
Jerry: Good, it’s just family here, so no need to put on a show. Plus, marriage isn’t that big of a deal.
Frank: Isn’t it?
Jerry: No, you just love and protect the woman you love for the rest of your life. It’s not that hard. It’s really not that different than dating.
Steven: Rest of my life, yes, very good.
Frank: Are you getting cold feet?
Steven: No! I love her, I want to marry her. I just, uh, I’m young. It’s really scary to think about “forever.”
Frank: Forever is a good thing when it means spending it with someone you care about. It worked out for your mother and I, it worked out for your grandparents, it’ll work out for you. Oh, another thing, your grandfather - my father, that is - has the flu, so he couldn’t drive down from Jersey to officiate the wedding.
Steven: What? Who’s officiating the wedding?
Frank: Oh, your grandmother’s friend.
Steven: Who?
Jerry: The, uh… you know, it makes me upset to talk about it.
Frank: The Congresswoman. Alicia Spanheim.
Steven: A congresswoman is officiating my backyard teenage wedding at the beach in North Carolina?
Frank: Fun, right?
Steven: This has really been a very strange month,
Jerry: I promise you, from someone who’s had forty years of marital experience, it gets stranger!
Thirty minutes later…
Betty: They look so happy. It almost makes up for the fact that she’s related to Satan.
Anita: Shh!
Betty: Ah, Satan!
Alicia: Do you, Alysa Margaret DeFleur, take Steven Tyler Howerton -
Danielle: Wait, Steven Tyler?
Tammi: I was seventeen years old!
Alicia: to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Alysa: I do.
Alicia: And do you, Steven Tyler Howerton -
Danielle: I just can’t get over that.
Alicia: Alysa Margaret DeFleur to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Steven: I do.
Alicia: Then, by the power vested in me by the United States Congress and the State of North Carolina, I now pronounce you husband and wife!
Velma: Aww, Teri, don’t cry. It’ll happen for you one day!
Teri: Shut up!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
