Frances pulls into her parking spot at the set and gets out of her car.
Frances: Why were you standing in my way?
DeAnna: I wanted to talk!
Frances: Well, Snooki, all you had to do to indicate that was talk to me, rather than risk being flattened like one of the pancakes I’ll be making later today on my show.
DeAnna: Snooki? This tan is natural! In fact, it’s what I wanted to talk to you about!
Frances: You look ridiculous, did you fall asleep in the sun?
DeAnna: I look chic and stylish!
Frances: Girl, look how orange you look, girl! That’s from RuPaul’s Drag Race.
DeAnna: No need to be so aggressive.
Frances: I’m not trying to be, I’m just wandering why you look like you’re about to star in Finding Nemo on Ice in Disney World!
DeAnna: First of all, it’s Finding Nemo - The Musical. If you’re gonna talk smack, get it right. And second, I’ve just joined this ultra-exclusive celebrity country club in Malibu. I suppose I developed a bit of a tan there, spending all that time being sporty outside.
Frances: Oh, so this was your attempt at bragging. Silly me for not noticing sooner!
DeAnna: Yeah, you’re losing your touch.
Frances: You know, I must say, I’ve never seen the point in these fancy country clubs. I live right by the beach, I have a pool, I don’t like golf. There's no allure for me.
DeAnna: It’s not about the immunities, it’s about the exclusive status, about the social circles. You know who goes to the Malibu Sunset Country Club? George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Mary Tyler Moore!
Frances: Mary Tyler Moore?
DeAnna: She used to, anyway.
Frances: Oh, so it’s an old club? And you’ve just gotten in?
DeAnna: I may have been on a waitlist. Thank you, dear Mickey Rooney, for selflessly giving up your spot so that I could make it in.
Frances: Did you just thank Mickey Rooney for dying and insinuate that he died so that you could get into a country club?
DeAnna: I would never be so tactless and self-centered. The club told me themselves that I got his vacated spot.
Frances: That so?
DeAnna: Sure is!
Frances: Well, you enjoy your country club. I’m gonna go get my show filmed, I’ve got a big day today.
DeAnna: You just said you’re making pancakes, how is that a big day?
Frances: You know, they’re a lot harder to make than one would expect!
DeAnna: Maybe you’re just a worse cook than you like to consider yourself.
Frances: You’re certainly a worse person than you like yo consider yourself.
DeAnna: Wow, you got me there!
Frances: I know!
Frances walks onto the set of Frances in the Kitchen.
Marcia: You look positively thrilled on this fine morning.
Beverly: What went wrong to make you look so mad at the world at nine in the morning?
Marcia: I’d say traffic, but you’re actually on time today, unlike any time the 101 is backed up.
Frances: It’s DeAnna.
Marcia: Shocker!
Beverly: What did the Wicked Witch of West Hollywood do now?
Frances: She got into a swanky country club.
Marcia: Seems tame by her standards.
Frances: She was bragging about it in an obvious attempt to make me jealous.
Marcia: It’s DeAnna, we could assume that much.
Frances: She just really grinds my gears sometimes.
Beverly: Are you actually jealous of her country club?
Frances: Yeah, a little bit!
Beverly: Why? You don’t need a country club!
Frances: I know, but she’s rubbing the exclusivity in my face… I can’t help but have an ego!
Jane: Did I miss something? Did you guys start filming?
Marcia: Does it look like we’ve started filming?
Beverly: Frances wants to join a country club.
Jane: Do it! I don’t really know what a country club is, but it sounds fun!
Frances: I never said I wanted to join, I said I’m jealous that she did join. She’s got something to hang above my head, I don’t like that.
Jane: I don’t know why you worry so much about DeAnna. She’s a sad, mean little lady with a pitiful life. There’s nothing to envy about her.
Beverly: I refuse to believe that I’m saying these words, but Jane is right, and you should listen to her.
Jane: Yay!
Frances: The sad thing is, I also know she’s right, but it’s also very hard to just ignore DeAnna. She knows exactly how to push my buttons.
Beverly: You have no desire to join a country club, correct?
Frances: Correct.
Beverly: Then this is not a reason to envy her. Pity her for feeling so fulfilled by something so ridiculous and meaningless. Remember - sad, mean little lady.
Frances: Well, I do sort of envy the “little” part.
Marcia: You’re thinner than her, and taller. Best of both worlds.
Frances: You don’t have to tear other women down to lift another up.
Marcia: Just take the compliment, Gloria Steinem.
Later that night…
Louise: Howdy!
Frances: What the hell is going on in here?
Louise: With what?
Jimmy: I assume she means the pasta sauce all over her kitchen wall.
Frances: I didn’t even notice that! What happened there?
Jimmy: A simple accident. But what were you talking about when you walked in?
Frances: Well, my TV is on the ground, for starters.
Jimmy: I tried to reposition it so we could see it from the kitchen and it came off the way.
Frances: But you figured out how to blast Bee Gees music on your own?
Jimmy: Lauren showed us that a few weeks ago!
Frances: Great! So glad it sounds like the roller disco in here. I’m gonna go up to my room and change.
Jimmy: I think Greg is up there showering now.
Frances: He’s my husband, I don’t think he’ll mind me going in my own bedroom.
Jimmy: He locked the door to the bedroom, I tried to get in.
Frances: Why would you try to get in?
Jimmy: Well, I wanted to know how to reposition TV, but I decided to try to figure it out on my own.
Frances: Clearly that worked out well.
Louise: We’re gonna get all of this cleaned up, don’t worry.
Frances: I’m gonna go relax by the pool, I need to be alone with my thoughts before I have an aortic aneurysm.
Later that night…
Greg: What a day.
Frances: At least the TV’s back on the wall.
Greg: Unfortunately, we’re gonna need a power washer to get out those tomato sauce stains on the wall.
Frances: Hey, we’ve always said we wanted a tile backsplash anyway.
Greg: That’s true.
Frances: They really are a handful, aren’t they? Good thing we never had kids, we’ve already got our hands full with my older brother and his wife.
Greg: Don’t you ever wish you could just get away from it all for a while?
Frances: Are you kidding? That’s my dream! You and I on some island. No show, no relatives, no stress. I wish we could get that.
Greg: Heck, even just having some place for us to go and unwind, just the two of us.
Frances: How about Applebee’s?
Greg: I was thinking somewhere a bit less loud.
Frances: Yeah, I get that. Applebee’s is not for everyone.
Greg: How did Applebee’s get into this at all?
Frances: Jane. It’s her favorite restaurant.
Greg: Applebee’s?
Frances: What can I say, she’s different.
Greg: Well, we can keep thinking about some fun places we can go, we don’t have to figure a place out today.
Frances: I just got an idea.
Greg: That was quick.
Frances: A wonderful, awful idea.
Greg: Mrs. Grinch, what is your idea?
Frances: DeAnna was -
Greg: That’s not a promising start.
Frances: I know, but hear me out. She was bragging today - very proud of herself, it was so annoying - that she got into this great, regal country club where all these celebrities hold a membership. What if we join a country club?
Greg: Are we country club people?
Frances: Why not?
Greg: We don’t strike me as country club people.
Frances: I think we can be country club people so long as we don’t let the country club define us. We’ll just be people with a country club membership, not "country club members.”
Greg: Is there a difference?
Frances: To me there is. I’m not gonna go bragging about it and talking non-stop about “the club.” Well, maybe to DeAnna.
Greg: How do we keep Jimmy and Louise from tagging along? We can’t just disappear for entire afternoons and evenings without them noticing.
Frances: We’re grown adults, we can do what we want.
Greg: We’ll follow us!
Frances: And security will take care of them for us!
Greg: You’ve thought of everything!
Frances: If you walked in and saw what I did today after a long day at work that included explaining to Jane what the difference between a “crepe” and “crap” is, you’d also run scenarios through your head.
Two days later…
Marcia: Oh boy, coming in hot!
Beverly: What’s the story, morning glory?
Frances: I’m pissed!
Beverly: Oh boy.
Marcia: Good thing Jane’s not brought the coffee yet, that’d be across the room.
Beverly: What did DeAnna do now?
Frances: For once, nothing.
Beverly: Jimmy and Louise?
Frances: Nothing. Okay, it’s a little them.
Beverly: Greg?
Frances: Not Greg. Malibu Sunset Country Club.
Marcia: This again?
Beverly: Did you not listen to Jane?
Frances: What sane person would ever take advice from Jane?
Marcia: It’s worth listening when other people agree with it. She doesn’t always spit out nonsense. Just most of the time.
Beverly: So what did the country club do to upset you?
Frances: Well, I decided I needed to get in. They didn’t let me in. They threw me to the bottom of the waitlist and wished me luck.
Marcia: That’s it?
Frances: I’m a celebrity!
Marcia: Isn’t everyone at that club some sort of a celebrity?
Frances: They let DeAnna in!
Marcia: How long did she have to wait to get in, though?
Frances: I don’t know, but if she’s in, I should be in!
Marcia: Just wait your turn. You’ve never had any desire to be a country club member before.
Beverly: Maybe Brad Pitt will let his membership lapse and Clooney and Matt Damon will follow suit!
Frances: How do you know who’s a member of the club?
Beverly: I looked up the members after you told me they let DeAnna in. You know, Dana’s a member there.
Frances: What?
Beverly: Yeah. I just realized, we really know nothing about her life.
Marcia: We’re remarkably self-centered people.
Frances: I disagree. That being said, I need like twenty minutes before we start filming. I’ll be right back.
Beverly: Wait, what?
Marcia: Dropping that bomb on her might’ve been a mistake, Bevy.
Frances runs off the set.
Jane: Where’s Frances going? I just brought her an Egg McMuffin.
Beverly: Frances doesn’t eat Egg McMuffins, she claims that make her bloated. That’s what you eat. She gets the bagel sandwich from the cafe down the street.
Jane: Then what did I eat in the car on the way here?
Marcia: How does she still have a job?
Meanwhile, in Dana’s office…
Dana: Frances! This is becoming a more regular occurrence, what brings you here?
Frances: I need help!
Dana: Is something the matter?
Frances: Yes! I need to get into the Malibu Sunset Country Club.
Dana: Oh my god, I thought something was really wrong!
Frances: Something is wrong! You know who IS in that club? DeAnna! If she gets in, surely I’m worthy!
Dana: I never realized how large of egos hosts of cooking shows on cable TV could have.
Frances: Are you kidding? People are always complimenting us on our cooking and baking and thanking us for what we make for them. Nothing inflates the ego quite like that.
Dana: Well, I gotta say, it does make work more fun.
Frances: Thank you! I do think I’m quite fun.
Dana: For that reason, and because I don’t want you to keep pestering me about this, I will talk to the membership director and see if I can fast-track a membership for you.
Frances: Oh, that’s great!
Dana: Can I be honest with you?
Frances: You’re making me nervous now, but sure.
Dana: There’s no real limit to how many people can join. There is a waitlist, but if someone big really wants in, the club is willing to let them in without the wait if they feel they’re an asset to the club.
Frances: Seeing as I was thrown on the waitlist, I can’t dunk on DeAnna too much, but it does bring me joy to know that she fell for a lie just because it soothed her bruised ego.
The next weekend…
Louise: Where are you guys going?
Jimmy: You’re not dressed up like you usually do, you almost look like you’re going to exercise or something.
Lauren: You don’t have to answer that.
Frances: We’re going to the beach.
Louise: Oh, give us a minute, we’ll throw something on and join you!
Frances: We’re flying to a beach in Florida.
Louise: Florida?
Frances: Yeah. I’m rich, gotta use the money somehow.
Jimmy: When are you guys gonna be back?
Frances: Tonight!
Jimmy: Quick trip.
Frances: Like I said, rich. See ya later!
At the Malibu Sunset Country Club…
Dana: Ah, Frances, glad to see ya! We’re having our amateur golf open today!
Frances: This place is incredible! No wonder DeAnna was
Greg: Is that -
Dana: George Clooney? Yeah, he doesn’t like it when we point him out. Throws him off his game or something.
Greg: Is that Cameron Diaz playing mixed doubles tennis with Robert De Niro against Chris Hemsworth and Shirley MacLaine?
Dana: Yeah! Weird friendships form here.
Greg: Can I go talk to them?
Dana: Nothing stopping you?
Frances: Are those golf carts, like… ours to use?
Dana: Guys, you’re acting like you just won the lottery or something. You’ve known celebrities, you’ve had money for a while, why are you shocked?
Greg: Ah! Jean Smart!
Dana: Yes, many famous people are here. The whole cast of Designing Women used to be members. Then we had to kick Delta Burke out, it was very sad.
Frances: I think it just takes some getting used to. We don’t see this many A-listers at once, nor are we this pampered in our day-to-day life. It really brings up the question of how DeAnna got in at all.
Dana: Well, I’ll just say… it did take fifteen years. She was at the bottom of the list. You actually weren’t, you were in like fifteenth place, right behind Rachael Ray, Kathie Lee Gifford, and the mom from The Goldbergs.
Frances: The mom from The Goldbergs?
Dana: Isn’t it a laugh riot? Bob Iger helped push her up the list.
DeAnna: Oh my god! What the hell are you doing here?
Dana: Shh! Shh! you’re gonna upset Clooney!
DeAnna: I don’t care!
Frances: Hi, DeAnna! Isn’t it nice to be reunited?
DeAnna: No! How do I dangle this over your head if you’re in here now?
Dana: George is getting upset!
Frances: DeAnna, this isn’t about petty nonsense, this is just a nice way for all of us to unwind, and I look forward to hanging out here with you and enjoying the facilities here.
Greg: Now, we’re gonna to the pool, ‘cause I think I see Lily Tomlin over there. I love 9 to 5!
Security: Ms. Clifton, Mr. Clooney has complained about a noise disturbance. I’m afraid we’re going to have to ask you to leave the premises today.
DeAnna: Great, just great! You see what you did, Frances?
Dana: Frances was calm.
DeAnna: Don’t take sides!
Frances: I’ll see ya around, DeAnna.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
